


What the Soul Wants

by IsharaYar



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Circle of Magi, Complicated Characters, Complicated Relationships, Dark, Dreams and Nightmares, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Lyrium Withdrawal, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:53:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 35
Words: 106,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4535196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsharaYar/pseuds/IsharaYar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aleksia Trevelyan sheltered circle mage, now The Herald of Andraste or so they say.<br/>She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.<br/>Now the circle's are gone, the world is in disarray and she needs to begin healing the pieces of her shattered life before she can be what they need.</p><p>(Does not retell events from the game other then when it is required for the overall story! Set during Dragon Age Inquisition - There will be spoilers so be warned! )<br/>( Up to chapter 19 is the reposting. Chapter 20 onwards is new! )</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> I am reposting this 2 chapters at a time. New chapters will also be coming soon! Nothing has changed so if you have read it already you don't need to re-read :)  
> If your new to this story than I hope you enjoy it! Feel free to leave your comments as they are always much appreciated :)

Sunlight cascaded softly across the still surface of the lake. Just barely visible on the other side a weathered and worn looking dock resided, nestled into the snowy banks. No structures occupied that side of the lake, but the presence of the old dock left Aleksia Trevelyan wondering. Perhaps once, Haven had been larger than it now was. Out there the tension left her muscles as they relaxed. Taking in a deep breath, the air was cool against her warm lips. A faint earthy aroma most likely came from the elfroot nearby. The trees swayed gently whenever a soft breeze rippled through them. Absently she twirled a lock of black hair between her fingers. After the day she had endured, Aleksia _knew_ she must be a sight. She could still smell the foul stench of the demon blood that had splattered about her face and clothing during the earlier conflict on the way to the fade rift. The fingers in her hair hit a matted rough spot and as she pulled them away she could see the flecks of dried blood on her skin. A shiver traveled down her spine as she quickly brushed it off on to her robes.

"Your presence is wanted in the Chantry." The nervous elf had said when she woke.

They could wait. The event that transpired outside of the small cabin had left her unsettled, even sick to her stomach. What was it they had called her? The crowd that had gathered outside. Apparently they had all been waiting to catch a glimpse of her. Aleksia Trevelyan, technically an apostate. They had all called her the same thing.

_The Herald of Andraste._

_That_ is what they had called her. A chill curled and twisted its way down her spine. How did one go from being sentenced to Tranquillity to being thrown into a town full of people, perhaps even more than just the town, and having them believe that you were some sort of religious icon? It was her secret now. Even when being interrogated by Cassandra she never mentioned it. Aleksia did state the truth about one thing; she did not remember what happened at the conclave. What she failed to mention to Cassandra was the fact that it very possibly may have been her fault. What if she had made one last escape attempt that went horribly wrong? So many people. So many friends and those she considered family had died in that explosion. The colour drained from her cheeks as tears stung the back of her eyelids just thinking about them. She would gladly take being tranquil if it meant they would be returned.

A thoughtful voice spoke from beside her, intruding in on her thoughts. "It is good to see you're up and mobile. How are you feeling?"

Quickly she wiped away the tear that had snuck its way down her cheek. She turned her head and found herself staring into the most compassionate looking, light brown even almost amber, eyes she had seen for days. The retort she had been about to spit out, caught in the back of her throat and vanished as she swallowed.

Aleksia glanced down at her hand. A faint green glow was still visible on her palm as she flexed her fingers, "I'm fine, I guess."

Cullen's eyes had followed her gaze to the palm of her hand, "You have had a difficult day. It would be a lot for anyone to process. Leliana is biting at the bit for you to go and see her."

For the moment she ignored the comment about Leliana. The last thing she wanted was to go back in there. To face all those people as something she _knew_ she was not.

"I've met Leliana and Cassandra properly but I don't think we have been introduced," she offered him a weary smile. Remaining by the quiet lake engaging in conversation with him seemed far more appealing than facing what was waiting back in Haven.

"Oh. Right." He cleared his throat and looked a little perplexed. "Commander Cullen Rutherford, and don't worry the favour need not be returned. Cassandra already informed me of you."

Aleksia's expression changed almost instantly. Her eyes narrowed and the smile dropped, "Y-your a Templar?"

She _should_ have known, it was written all over him. The way he held himself. The way he never seemed to completely relax; even by the deserted lake his eyes were alert. Just the _thought_ of it set her stomach churning. His name had been passed all over the circles after the events in Kirkwall. Aleksia now knew exactly who and what he was.

"Well, Ex-Templar now I guess." He shrugged his shoulders and appeared puzzled by her reaction.

It mattered not to her that he had added in the 'ex' part. That he had been a Templar at all was enough. Suddenly, facing Haven seemed far more of an appealing option. Aleksia turned on her heels and headed straight for the snowy path that led back to the gate. Back to the waiting crowd.

~~~~~~~~

 

It had grown late and she was exhausted. The meeting seemed like it had gone on forever. No, not seemed like, it had gone on forever. Four long, grueling hours. Aleksia had spent most of the meeting in a haze when she was sure she should have been concentrating. For some reason, every time they could not come to an agreement they had asked for her to make the decisions for them. _Why? What is it that they want from me?_ All she wanted was to close the other rifts so she could get as far away from them all as soon as possible.

She had been right about a waiting crowd, remembering how so many had dropped to their knees as she walked by them. The mere thought of it sent her stomach lurching. She remembered wanting the ground to open up and swallow her. Instead she had looked straight ahead past all of those eyes, yet they still haunted her. Aleksia refused to add into their delusions by playing the role. All of it had to be some eccentric dream that she would wake from at any moment. Only it wasn't, there would be no waking from this reality. Gone was the safety and comfort of the Circle, her home, and the only life she had known. In its place were all of the things that made nightmares real. Her life.

As she rounded the next corner, moving between two cabins, Aleksia almost ran straight into the tall elf who she recognised from the conclave. He had been the one who held her hand upwards and encouraged her to close that first rift. The was moon high in the sky; almost full. and it reflected off the top of his hairless head. As if she didn't find a lot of elves intimidating enough, the ghostly appearance the moons light cast over him did more so. Perhaps it was the fact that almost every elf she had met towered over her in height. Or perhaps it was the fact that most of the Dalish housed so much of their own history in those minds of theirs, giving them the appearance of being smarter than the average human. Every attempt she had made to engage a Dalish in conversation left her feeling out of her depth, drowning in the sea of knowledge they left in their wake. At the same time, trying to figure it all out had an appeal all of its own. It was like unwrapping a gift only to find a blank box still waiting to unveil the secrets inside.

"It’s Solas right?" She asked, with a hint of uncertainty.

"You appear to have an exceptional memory considering what has transpired today." He replied. The expression on his face gave little away. _He would make an excellent Wicked Grace player._

The thought of Wicked Grace and the many late nights in the Circle playing made her look away. She closed her eyes for a moment, maybe two, as a sense of loneliness washed over her. How long had it been? A year?

Evidently her change in expression had not gone unnoticed by the elf, "Feeling a little, what is the human word for it? Homesick?"

She turned her eyes back to him and gave a small nod, "A little, yes. Although even home hasn't been the same for a while."

"Few of the Mages I have met refer to the circles as 'home'." His eyes now showed a little curiosity towards her, but not much else.

"You would be surprised." She raised her hand and ran it through her black locks, only to cringe when they stumbled upon another patch of congealed blood. "Argh, I need to get cleaned up." Her nose wrinkled in distaste.

"One of the servants should be able to assist you with a bowl of warm water." He offered.

"Right. Like that Elf who came with breakfast this morning? Why are most of the servants elves and why do they look so nervous?" In the circles, they had done much of what needed to be done for themselves. If anything it was part of the requirements to keep the mages grounded, to remind them that they were also normal people not all powerful beings.

"Most are city elves, sold into servitude at a young age, some even before they are born. Some rulers can be, harsh." As Aleksia watched, his expression showed a story of its own. This topic of conversation had made the otherwise calm elf uncomfortable. It was in the way his eyes narrowed when he spoke of the rulers and their treatment of some of the elves. It was also in the shifting of his feet and the way his hands moved to clasp behind his back, as if he was struggling to hold that composure.

"Don't they want to do something else, rather than running around after others?" It was risky she knew, to keep a conversation going that so obviously affected him the way it had. If she didn't ask questions she would never gain knowledge. Inside the Circle she had been sheltered from the outside world. Until now, she had never known just how sheltered she had been.

There it had been again, the shift of his body, the ever so slight hitch in his voice. She could imagine also that his hands behind his back would have been clasped tightly. "Did you want to leave your home in the Circle? For many, it is the only life they have known. A lot would give anything to work for a fair and just cause such as the Inquisition however. A place they are treated with respect."

"That does make sense." Aleksia had shifted her body weight now. The intensity in Solas' gaze left her feeling ill at ease. It had been time she knew, to change the subject, or to take her leave. "Still it is a little unnerving when they won't even look at you."

"I agree. I dislike seeing so many of my kind reduced to simply serving others when they could be so much more. Little can be done to change that now." Bitterness had crept into his tone. Although he had tried to keep his expression neutral, it was there buried deep, something she could not quite unmask.

"Maybe one day." The circles libraries had been full of texts containing centuries of history. Many times, one person or a group had worked to affect change for the better. She wondered if perhaps one day it would be the same for the elves in servitude of others. "It has been nice speaking with you Solas, I should be getting cleaned up, and get some rest."

~~~~~~~~

Back in the solitude of the cabin she had been assigned, Aleksia had placed the bowl of water down onto the small well worn wooden table. Her mind drifted away from the conversation with the elf as she stripped her blood stained clothing down to her smalls. It was the battles that had been fought at the rift that had occupied her thoughts when she took the water soaked sponge in the palm of her hand to scrub off the offending blood streaks.

In the circles it had not been uncommon for a mage to lose their way, for demons to be summoned or even a possession. Nonetheless, it had been the Templars’ job to deal with those issues as they arose. Some of the mages had been tasked with assisting when it was required, but she was no such mage. She could count her direct involvement with such issues on one hand, on one finger of that hand. Yet here she was, the only one who bore the green mark. The only one who could close the rift in the sky with so many relying on her to do just that.

Suddenly she couldn't breathe. The memories of those ear piercing shrieks had filled her mind as she rubbed off the splatters of blood from her arms. The memories of those hideously evil eyes overwhelmed her as she dipped her long black hair into the water to scrub the blood from it. Her whole body felt as if it were trembling. Shaking right from her toes to the tips of her fingers, at the thought of having to come face to face with those things again.

  
Aleksia Trevelyan, the Herald of Andraste, the person expected to save everyone wanted nothing more than to find the deepest, darkest hole, climb into it, and vanish.


	2. Chapter 2

Aleksia grasped the sides of her nightshirt lifting it up over her head. After a year of only fragmented sleep during the long nights, she had become accustomed to it. So when her dreams had filled with memories of the demons fought, the haunting green glow of the fade rifts and the body that had been on the ground that, at the time she had refused to look at, she still managed to feel more rested than the night before. Just as she adjusted her breast band into the right position, the door to her cabin swung open.

An elf scurried inside. Her eyes widened as she staggered backwards, quickly casting them downwards. She stammered, "Sorry Ma'am," as the colour rose to her cheeks.

 _For Makers sake anyone would think she's never seen a half naked body before._ Aleksia wondered how it was even possible that the elf could be so embarrassed at walking in on someone dressing. With the amount of barging straight into the room she had done, one would assume she had seen her fair share of bare skin. Or perhaps it was just her room that the elf liked to barge in on?

Aleksia's eyebrows hitched upwards in amusement, "Was there something you wanted?"

The elf stuttered, "I umm, message-"

"Oh for Makers sake, I'm not even naked." Apparently she wasn't going to get much out of the flustered elf dressed as she was. She reached over and grabbed a clean set of robes, pulling them over her head and then tugging at the garment to see that it was in place correctly. "There, better?"

She had only met her during the meeting the night before, but she knew Josephine had been responsible for the new robes that had been waiting at the end of her bed. They were made from a dark green material that almost had a shine, it reminded her of the leaf from a well watered plant. The top half of the robes hugged her lithe form comfortably. The bottom skirt flowed freely with slits down the sides that allowed an ease of movement. The colours were not entirely to Aleksia's tastes but she did find them more endearing than the standard grey or brown robes from the Circle. If she were honest, wearing something different to her normal drab attire left her a little self-conscious. It was easier to blend in when one wasn't wearing clothing that might catch the notice of others.

The elf recovered from her embarrassment once Aleksia was fully clothed. "Ms. Pentagast has requested you join them at the war table. Without delay."

The war table, _that_ turn of phrase made her cringe. Inherently it was inevitable that wars would take place. That after all, is what the meeting the night before had been all about. Overthrowing the current broken systems to put a new one in their place, the Inquisition. A new order of power that she was certain not everyone would easily accept. Chancellor Roderick had all but proven that point already with his objection. At least so far he only used words.

Aleksia had been about to snap again, more gruelling hours at the war table weren't exactly her idea of fun. She missed the solitude of the Circles large libraries, it was so easy for one to go unseen between the bookshelves of the large rooms. Despite all of that, it wasn't the elf's fault she had been caught up in it all and she felt guilt surfacing for having snapped already. There was no reason or excuse to treat the girl harshly. With a soft sigh, she shifted the tone of her voice to a more calm demeanour, "Inform them that I will be there shortly."

The elf bowed and mumbled, "Yes, Mi'lady." Before leaving the way she had come.

Although Aleksia did have the intention of attending the meeting as soon as possible, she also had one other stop she wanted to take care of first. So long as the Antivan was still behind her desk and not already at the war table, Josephine Montilyet. She felt she owed her gratitude for the woman's expediency in seeing to it she had some clothing to wear. However, there was also more than a little curiosity about the woman who probably knew more about her own family, her parents, than she did.

Aleksia was only three years old when her magical abilities surfaced and did not remember any of her life before the Circles. Once there she had been cast aside and forgotten. It was as if to her family she never existed. That was until the conclave when her presence had been specifically requested, the first she had heard from her family during her entire life in the Circles. She knew some of the Trevelyan family had been in attendance - now gone she suspected. There had not even been time to meet with them. Even though they had forgotten her, she needed to know if her parents or siblings had been amongst those lost. A part of her had always wondered what life may have been like if she had not been cursed with magic. What it may have been like to actually have a family, a real home and most of all freedom. Of course it was all nothing more than the idle fantasies of a child, nothing could change who or what she was. It was a fate she had long ago accepted, but sometimes... That inner child still spoke.

Nerves bubbled to the surface as she pushed open the door to Josephine's office. She had never lived the life of a noble, she knew that there was no way she could live up to those expectations. Josephine Montilyet, her family friends of the house of Trevelyan, however had. How would she, a simple Circle mage be received?

As it turned out, a friendly smile greeted her as she stepped in past the doorway. Just as the smile Josephine had given her one the night before during the war room meeting. It was discernible right from the first that Josephine had a way with people that was unparalleled. She had this ability to make Aleksia feel at ease in her presence and yet altogether socially inept, both simultaneously.

"Herald, just the very person I was hoping would stop by." Aleksia visibly winced at the title the Antivan used. The other woman's brown eyes softened, as did the tone of her voice, "I'm sorry. You are going to have to get used to that."

Aleksia's expression was solemn but she did manage to keep the bitterness out of her voice that was threatening to surface, "It would seem so."

"I am glad to see the robes are a good fit. They are not as elaborate as I would have liked but resources in Haven, among other things, are somewhat limited." Josephine folded her hands on the desk in front of her as she looked at Aleksia.

"They are fine really. I actually stopped by to thank you for saving me the embarrassment of walking around in blood covered attire." For the first time since the conclave, if she thought about it maybe even longer, the smile she offered Josephine was genuine.

"I am happy to help. If there is anything else you require you need only ask." It was easy to see Josephine meant the words she spoke.

"There is one other thing, a question really. I know the house of Trevelyan had a delegation at the conclave. My parents and my siblings, were they there?" Concern crept into her voice for the family she had never really known, no matter how hard she tried to remember that they never cared about her.

"No. Not unless there was a last minute change to the list of attendees." Josephine's words shouldn't really have surprised her and yet the relief, mixed with disappointment that she felt was very real. Why would she have expected otherwise? Why would she even entertain the thought that her parents may have actually tried to be there, to see her? Of course they wouldn't.

"Of course. Thank-," her voice broke off as another injected itself into the conversation from the doorway. Every muscle in her body tensed.

"Cassandra and Leliana are getting impatient. Please, come and rescue me before they start counting who out of them has the most kills." Cullen was almost pleading.

"Maybe you should join them with your mage kill count," Aleksia said with animosity as she turned around to face him whilst remaining at what she perceived to be a safe distance. She knew better than to be so harsh to unsuspecting victims, especially those who may not deserve the full force of her hostility. Sometimes the words just surfaced and stumbled out before she even had the chance to put a stop to them. She despised them all, the Templars, for what had been done to her even though she knew that to be irrational.

Cullen's expression had changed almost instantly. His eyes, his face, his entire demeanour went from an amused lighthearted one to looking as if.... As if he had been slapped. Pain was etched across his features as he cast his eyes downwards. His lips drew tight and the relaxed muscles of his shoulders tensed. She didn't want to regret what she had said and yet, unable to look away, guilt snaked its way to the surface leaving her standing silent. An apology caught in the back of her throat, words she knew she should say that refused to leave her lips.

When he did finally meet her eyes again his expression was unreadable at first and then something else crossed his face that she did not expect, sympathy. Her heart fluttered ever so slightly as her pulse quickened. His eyes had held so many secrets and yet at the same time shown a great deal of himself, it left her wondering just how much her own had given away. It was then that wordlessly he broke eye contact and turned back to the war room.

As Aleksia turned back to Josephine she could see the chiding expression on the Antivan's face. She looked like a mother who was about to scold a child for misbehaving and she couldn't say she didn't deserve it. "Not a word," she warned.

"Well that was somewhat unca-" Josephine's words came to a sudden halt when interrupted.

"I know." Aleksia's tone held a little frustration.

"The Commander is-" Josephine tried again, a little more forcefully but her demeanour still calm.

"I know." Aleksia's voice hitched higher.

"Well you could have at least-" Josephine's tone hinted at being close to defeat.

"I know!" Aleksia hissed in frustration. It was one thing to know your own shortcomings and another entirely to have someone else insisting on trying to point them out.

"Okay then. Why?" The Antivan was understandably puzzled.

"Its complicated and the meeting has already been delayed long enough." Aleksia didn't wait for Josephine to try again, instead she followed the Commander's footsteps and went into the war room.

She let out a breath and avoided looking at Cullen as she took up residence at the table. It was easier to focus her attention on the maps markers than to focus on any guilt that might befall her should she risk so much as a glance.

Cassandra's voice broke the silence of the room once Josephine was in position, "We have received the first scout reports from the Hinterlands. The situation is not looking good but about what we expected."

"The Mages and the Templars?" Cullen asked.

"My scouts have reported that both sides are attacking anything that moves, they are no longer even waiting to find out if they are fighting each other or civilians." Leliana added.

Aleksia raised her eyes from the table to look at Cassandra. "You are all far better equipped to deal with this situation than I. So why am I here?" It had to be fairly obvious by now to all of them that she was not overly combat capable. That and the fact that the moment Templar's had been mentioned her stomach had twisted into a knot.

Cassandra let out a sigh, "I would agree with that sentiment, however fade rifts have also been spotted all over. Not just in the Hinterlands either. You are the only one with the mark capable of closing them."

"Do you still think that the explosion was my fault? Am I still to be considered a prisoner?" Did it even matter to her either way? If she didn't help close the rifts, too many people would die. Demons would keep pouring through, threatening the innocent.

Cassandra's expression and her voice both softened, "No. I don't think you were responsible for what happened at the conclave. You are free to go, if that is what you want but the Inquisition does still have need of your help."

 _Maker, help us all._ Aleksia knew there wasn't really much choice. The mark had seen to that and the fact that she never could walk away from someone in need. That was what had gotten her into trouble in the first place. This was an entirely new world of trouble, one in which she was wholly lost. "There really isn't much choice is there? Rifts need closing and the mark is the only way." She only wished Cassandra's smile was a little less sprightly than it was at that moment.

"Welcome to the Inquisition Herald," Cassandra offered. The others, even Josephine and Cullen, nodded their agreement. They appeared to be almost relieved at her agreement to remain.

Leliana looked up from a binder that she was holding in her hands. As she turned her cool, light blue eyes in her direction, Aleksia found herself envious. Her eyes she knew to be dull and only ever so slightly blue but mostly grey much like the robes she wore. They were completely uninspiring which was pretty well how she felt about her whole self, not just her eyes. As she listened to Leliana speak, an entirely new level of envy emerged. The woman could also keep her expression so calm that it was truly impossible to read, "With that all taken care of, we need to arrange for a trek through the Hinterlands as soon as possible. The scouts are already in position."

"The Herald will need to choose her team," Cassandra added.

"Wait, why me?" Aleksia's, brow furrowed as her voice took on an almost panicked tone. She knew nothing about leading teams, especially into combat situations. Every time someone else spoke up in one of these meetings she plummeted further into a world that was out of her depth.

"With the mark, you will be out on the field more than most, you will need people you trust." As she listened to Cassandra, she was drowning in an ocean deeper than any other with the surface out of sight. Out of reach. Realisation was unraveling before her, this was to be her life now with no end in sight. She was expected to become the warrior, the hero, and the saviour they all needed her to be. All while walking head on into a war with the Templar's.

Aleksia took a step backwards, and then another, and another. She shook her head with each step, "No. I can not be what you all need me to be. I am not what you think I am." Her voice dropping to a whisper as her hand reached behind to open the door, "I'm sorry." With that she took one last step backwards out the door before turning and bolting as fast as she could out of the Chantry.

~~~~~~~~

The position up on the wall surrounding part of Haven allowed for an impressive view over most of the township. It was high enough that unless someone was walking around with their nose in the air she most likely would not be seen. Even so a simple shifting of her body would place her out of view again easily enough. Broken sections within the wall itself had made the climb no bother and it was peaceful. Unless someone was standing directly beneath her position she could hear no words, only soft mumbles. It was like being back in the solitude of the Circle library, her safe haven.

Aleksia had thought she had the memories of what happened under control but outside by the lake when she realised who, what, Cullen was they had all come flooding back. The nightmares that haunted her sleeping hours had increased in frequency. The memories of the attacks, of what they did to her were still so vivid that at times they could be all consuming. As she closed her eyes and rested her back up against the stone behind her she could see it all so clearly, as if she was still there in that moment.

_In the main hall of the Ostwick tower they were surrounded. The only way past was through the line of Templar's that circled right the way around them. Aleksia could see Lucas out the corner of her eye, she knew they were going to push him too far this time. If they did, out here in the open, in front of everyone there would be nothing she could do to cover that up._

_Nothing._

_"Please, just let us go. You are wrong about Lucas. He is not a blood mage and he is not possessed. Isn't that why we have the harrowings in the first place? He passed his as did I." This time, unlike in the past her pleas were ignored. The Templar's did not back down. It had been that way for a while, word of the uprising in Kirkwall had made its way around the Circles. Tensions between the Mages and the Templar's had been forever increasing._

_One of the Templar's took a few steps closer to her, unsheathing his sword at the same time. As he pointed the sword at Aleksia she could see Lucas trembling beside her, she knew what that meant._

_The Templar's voice echoed through the hall, "Tell me Mage, do you know what the punishment is for harboring a Maleficar?" As he spoke, the Templar extended his sword and hooked the tip under Aleksia's chin forcing her to look up. The cold metal dug into her chin breaking through the skin. A warm trickle of blood slowly oozed its way down her neck._

_Just as she was about to respond, a loud, inhuman growl came from beside her. A chill spread throughout her back and spine. It was too late now._

  
Aleksia gasped and tensed as she felt a hand on her shoulder, breaking her out of the memories that had surfaced. As she whipped her head around to see the intruder her hand raised, small flames danced across her fingertips, ready to strike.


	3. Chapter 3

"Geez Varric," Aleksia quickly dispelled the fire, closing her fingers into a fist. Heat rose in the palm of her hand, enough to evoke pain but it was better her than what she had been about to do. "Didn't Hawke ever teach you not to sneak up on a Mage?"

Varric chuckled as he sat down beside her on the rock wall, "I may have taken a little too much pleasure in having her remind me of that, often."

As Aleksia watched him, she wondered if Varric was ever without his bow holstered behind his back. "Did they ask you to come and find me?"

"Not exactly. I am pretty sure they are still looking for you. You do know how to cause quite the stir now don't you?" Although Varric's tone held mock amusement, his eyes showed concern.

Aleksia cocked her chin in the direction of the recruit training area, "Obviously Cullen isn't included in that." He was standing with a couple of the newer recruits deep in conversation.

Varric shrugged his shoulders, "I believe Curly said something along the lines of only making things worse if he were to find you."

"Probably true." As she was watching the training area, Cullen looked upwards and appeared to be looking right at her. With the distance it was difficult to tell for certain. She shivered and pulled her robes tighter. It would certainly be easier for her to deal with the Inquisition and the increasing number of Templars if she didn't distrust them so much.

"You know, you could have done a lot worse than landing on your feet with this lot." Varric's tone was soft, the sound of someone who cared about others and was willing to look out for them, but he also came across as someone who did not allow that side to show often. "Just don't tell them I said that."

"Not a word, I promise." Although she was still listening to Varric she had been watching Cullen. One of the recruits had needed to snap their fingers in front of his face to get his attention. It was then that he had turned away from looking towards the wall they were sitting on.

"So I take it Templars aren't exactly your favourite people to be around?" Varric's expression was thoughtful and he was clearly watching her, studying what he saw in her expression perhaps. She remembered clearly what she had seen in Cullen's and wondered again how much she gave away of herself with just her eyes.

"No really? What gave it away?" Her tone was sarcastic. A defense mechanism to drive people away both when they attempted to get too close or broached subjects she didn't wish to speak of. In this case Varric was bordering on both.

"Maybe the fact that the least offensive person here has worn the brunt of your hostilities since you arrived." Those words from Varric made Alexia cringe inwardly, as they fed on the guilt that she already felt for how she had been behaving. "You even almost make me feel sorry for him. Especially since I know Cassandra wants him to train you against Templars before approaching The Hinterlands."

"That is a very bad idea." Aleksia shook her head. She couldn't even hold her tongue against the man, how would she ever hold back her spells?

"Why? You're going to be fighting them, and you will need every edge you can get." Aleksia wondered if the concern she saw in him was for her own safety, or because of the mark. Was her safety now imperative to everyone else's? Her survival suddenly more important than anything else? How was she supposed to feel about that when only a week ago she could have been sentenced to execution and in a way - she had wanted it.

"Trust me Varric. Bad idea." Mark or not, it is Cullen’s safety that would be in question if she allowed the training to take place. She could not trust herself around a Templar. Any Templar.

"Well we are going to have to be friends then because I don't trust anyone who isn't a friend," his expression, the friendly look on his face, had the appearance of someone who could be a good friend. He certainly seemed to have stuck by Hawke if Cassandra’s suspicions were correct, and Aleksia could admire that. There was something about Varric and the way he spoke to people that instantly put them at ease with him. He had a way of making them feel as if they had known him for years, even if only a short conversation had taken place.

"I don't need need a friend, I need this stupid green glow on my hand to disappear so I can.... So I can...." She had wanted to say vanish. Even if the mark was not on her hand she wasn't entirely sure she could just turn her back to what she knew was happening, no matter how tempting it was.

"So you can what? The Circles are gone, the mages and templars are at war with each other and everything else that moves. If you weren't here what would you be doing?" Varric's voice had taken on a more frustrated tone. Aleksia wondered if perhaps he had the same thoughts as she. She knew Varric had gone through a war with the Qunari in Kirkwall, something that would be enough to scare most people off and yet he had done it. Now in the face of the breach that still remained in the sky he sounded... He sounded just as scared as she felt. If he was scared after all he had faced down already, how did everyone else in Haven feel?

"I don't know, but you can be sure that no one would be calling me some kind of religious figure. I don't even fucking believe their stupid Maker exists, because if he did then..." Then Lucas wouldn't have been killed. She turned her eyes away from him, looking anywhere else. "You know what it doesn't even matter. I do have this mark on my hand, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and every bloody person in Haven and maybe beyond expects me to fix everything." She knew her tone was bitter and that really, she had no right to be. If it wasn't her than it would be some other poor unsuspecting person. Maybe someone who deserved it far less.

"Are you worried that you won't be able to fix it all, or that you will?"

Aleksia pressed her lips together and remained silent. Either she was exceptionally easy to read, or Varric was exceptionally good at reading people. Either way felt dangerous to her.

"Talk to him," Varric said. "Whatever it is you've got going against the Templars, whatever it is they did to you. He is the most likely person here to be able to help."

Aleksia sighed, "You don't know what it is you're asking."

"I think I have an inkling and he has been through it all too, from the other side. He is one of the good guys, and you have nothing to fear from him." With that said Varric didn't wait for another rebuttal from Aleksia, and he climbed back down the way he had come up, leaving her with only her thoughts.

_Lucas lunged at the Templar whose sword was pointed in Aleksia's direction. The guttural growl resonated through the hall, and she knew it was no longer Lucas in control but Rage. Not even the other Templars had a chance to react before Rage was on him. The armor the Templar wore superheated, glowing red as all their noses were assaulted with the smell of burning human flesh. He only had the chance to scream out in pain once before he was silenced._

_Just the thought of what may have been left under that Templar's armor made Aleksia feel sick to the stomach. "Lucas no! This is not you, fight it. I know you can." Rage Lucas turned towards the sound of her voice and moved to her, he extended a hand to tenderly wipe the blood that had trickled down her neck. Even with Rage in control, Lucas was still there in part. Whilst she had his attention he was no threat to the remaining Templars. When she raised her hand to cover his, to coax Lucas back, four of the remaining Templars all struck at once. Their swords connected with his unarmored body, slicing right through. He stumbled forwards into Aleksia, blood pouring from all four fatal wounds, soaking her robes. It was impossible she knew, to stop the bleeding but she tried all the same, her hands reached for the wound sites in an attempt to cover them, blood oozed between her fingers and tears trailed a steady stream down her face._

_For a year she had kept him safe when Rage first emerged, she kept him grounded, kept Lucas at the front and Rage hidden. This time, as his body crumpled to the ground lifeless, she knew she had failed him._

~~~~~~~~

The location of the sun in the sky directly above by the time Aleksia made her way over to the training grounds, suggested it was about noon. She ran her hands along the front of her robes in a feeble attempt to stop them from shaking. It was maddening to her, having little control over her reactions when it came to the Templars. Until six months prior, she was the picture of control. A model student, friends with many in the circle of magi including some of the templars. She liked the company of others and was considered by many to be very social. Most of all she always had full control over her magic. Many of the first enchanters had felt Aleksia was in line to become one of them. Now she wondered how she had ever believed in the circles and their ability to protect the mages. All she could see them as now, were prisons designed to keep mages away from the mundane. Not for her own protection, or the protection of the other mages, but out of fear.

Standing back a distance from the training area Aleksia tilted her face up towards the sun. Inside the tower there had been few opportunities to even simply stand outside, to enjoy the warmth that now caressed her face. How many other simple pleasures had she missed by being in there? The palms of her hands were sweating, not from heat because although the sun was shining the air was still cold and the ground still covered in snow; it was anxiety and apprehension. The sun on her face helped to calm those nerves, and as she turned back to look, Cullen was already headed her way. He had been watching her and by the look on his face he seemed captivated. It was normal she surmised, for them all to be intrigued by the person they had no choice but to rely on. However there was something else there, distant, out of reach and even almost sad. In some ways he reminded her a little of Lucas when she first met him.

"Herald," Cullen gave a small nod by way of a greeting. "Have you spoken to Cassandra?"

Aleksia shook her head, and it took all of her effort to keep her voice from shaking. "No, not yet but Varric mentioned her intention of having you give me some combat training before The Hinterlands."

"You don't sound convinced," his expression was difficult to read although there did seem to be a hint of concern in his voice.

"I am not," Aleksia replied shortly.

Cullen turned his attention to a messenger that had interrupted as he took the binder to read over whatever it was that had supposedly been urgent. "Tell Leliana I will make time tomorrow, somehow."

The messenger bowed as he took the binder back, "Yes Sir." Aleksia watched as he scurried off.

"Is it always like this?" She raised an eyebrow slightly in the direction of the messenger before turning back to Cullen.

"Since joining with the Inquisition at least. I don't mind. It keeps me busy." Cullen motioned towards the combat training area and began walking in that direction.

Aleksia easily fell into step beside him, her eyes turned to watch those already training. "The constant activity is... disorientating."

Spread out over the snow covered field were recruits of all kinds. Some mages practiced magic with each other, others appeared to be training with Templars - a few of whom didn't seem to be so thrilled with the prospect of training with the apostates that Aleksia had insisted be able to remain. Between both of those groups were warriors fighting with shields and swords. Every recruit was focused on their task, even more so she noted, when the Commander moved into their field of view.

As they neared the area the Templars and Mages were skirmishing, Aleksia froze. She felt a nauseatingly familiar dragging sensation surround her. It was like having all of her muscles tied down by rocks one at a time until she couldn't move. All she could do was stand there staring as her head spun out of.control.

_Outside the door of her cell, Aleksia could hear voices. Both parties speaking were familiar to her._

_"We lost two Templars today and that mage in there was responsible for the death of one."_

_"She only acted out of grief. Until today her record has been exemplary. Surely that has to be taken into account?"_

_"It already has been! That is why she is in solitary and not already dead."_

_"This isn't over. Aleksia should not be in that cell and you know it."_

_"It doesn't matter what I know. The bosses orders are clear. She is to remain in solitary until judgement has been passed. No mages are permitted near her. If she didn't kill Jeron, we might have been able to let her off but for the sake and safety of every Templar here that is not an option now."_

_Aleksia sighed as she leaned her head back against the stone wall behind her. She knew the Templar was right; there was no way she would get away with this, not now. The cell was pitch black. Not even a small amount of light trickled in through the solid wood door, so after hours of being confined when the door opened and light came streaming inside she quickly shut her eyes at the sudden painful onslaught._

_"I hope you're pleased with yourself now mage, three people died today because you didn't report a possession when it came to your notice. Now you have to deal with the consequences."_

_The voice was so familiar to her, the Templar who stood in her cell, the one who spoke with a cold bitter tone. They had played wicked grace every week for over a year, a group of them some mages including Lucas and a few Templars. It had stopped when Rage first appeared. Aleksia couldn’t allow him near the Templars after that just in case. "Marcen?" Her eyes had still not adjusted properly to the light but she knew it was him. The only response she received to her whispered question was the sensation of the magic literally being drained right out from her. In the cell with no weapons, equipment or anything at all in sight without her magic she was powerless. A moment later searing pain shot through her leg as a metallic boot connected with full force. The natural reaction to the pain was to try and retaliate: lightning crackled between her fingers, struggling to reach its full power. The dragging sensation grew stronger, like it was feeding off the magic she was trying to pour into her spell._

_A cold, heartless laugh came from Marcen, "Nice try bitch but I don't think I'm going to be letting you do that."_

_Her eyes had adjusted to the light streaming in from the corridor, and she could see two more figures in full Templar armour standing back. They were silent and watching as Marcen stepped towards her again. Aleksia tried to get away. She tried to protect herself as best she could by pressing hard up against the stone wall behind her. She pulled her legs up to wrap her arms around them, as if the extra protection would help. It made little difference as his armoured boot stuck again hitting her in the side. She wasn't sure if she heard or felt the cracking of her ribs as the same spot was struck again and again. With closed eyes she tried to will away the excruciating pain that each assault from the metal clad boot inflicted. The cries that wanted to come out held back because she would not give him the satisfaction of knowing just how fiercely each kick hurt. Until she couldn't take it any more. Tears of intense pain welled behind her eyelids and flowed freely down her cheeks._

_Her voice, all she could muster, was barely above a terrified whisper, "Please Marcen. Stop." Her voice decisively louder with each additional thump into her ribs - she counted four before one of the other Templars stepped forward._

_"Hey Marcen, let up. Save something for the rest of us. Besides the boss wants 'er alive."_

_Aleksia braced for the next impact, which never came. Instead the door was closed and she was once again alone in the dark room. With every breath she took her body shuddered as broken ribs shifted, but the worst pain was not the physical. The worst pain was knowing Marcen had been right. If it wasn't for her trying to save one life, Lucas, an additional two lives would not have been lost. One of those by her very own hands._

Aleksia gasped as she broke out of her trance, and a set of strong hands were holding and gently shaking her shoulders. A concerned voice spoke her name but it was hazy and distant as if a blanket was placed over her head muffling everything. The hands dropped away but the voice spoke again, and this time it was clearer as the fog started to dissipate. Her eyes darted from one side to the other as reality set in. She was no longer standing in the training grounds. Somehow she had made it back to her cabin and she was sitting on the floor with her back up in the corner.

"Aleksia?" Cullen's voice was quiet and sounded laced with concern.

Quickly her hands went to her cheeks to wipe away the dampness. Apparently the tears in her memories had also fallen in reality and Cullen, who was crouched down low near her, had witnessed all of it.

"Leave," she said firmly.

Cullen appeared a little surprised at first, taken back by the force behind that one word. "I just wanted to make sure you are alright."

"I am fine. _Now_ go." He had already witnessed enough. How many of the others also saw her moment of weakness? Just the thought made her want to shudder. No one ever saw that, they had no right to.

"I am sure you are many things but right now, fine is not one of them." His gaze was intense and so open that she could read it like the pages of a book. She had been fooled by Templars in the past, those she thought actually cared. It wasn't something she would not allow again, _ever_.

"I am fine. Now get out!" Her back pressed a little harder against the wall behind it. She just wanted to be alone. It had been shaming enough thinking someone else had seen her like that.

Instead of leaving, instead of moving towards the door, Cullen stood up and held out a hand towards her. Aleksia's eyes narrowed as she scrutinised the offered hand and then, instead of taking the offer she used the wall to push herself up to her feet.

"You're not fine. If you go out there like this those Templars are going to eat you alive, or worse." Aleksia could see his eyes studying her face. The empathy and concern so clear that if they had physical form she could reach out and touch them. In actuality she realised she was fighting an almost overwhelming desire to reach out to him. It seemed like a lifetime ago that anyone had looked at her quite like that, or with anything other than hatred or distaste.

Aleksia knew that with her musings she had held his gaze for longer than she should have. To the point of awkwardness. Breaking eye contact she glanced over at the door knowing the meaning would not be lost on him.

"If you are fine, as you claim to be then, you won't be at all bothered by this," and just as Cullen finished speaking, Aleksia felt that all too familiar, nauseating dragging sensation. He was draining the magic right out of her with a skill stronger than any she had felt before.

It sent her reeling backwards, her arms raised up to her face as if shielding it would stop the agonisingly painful memories. There was only enough space for a step or two before she was against the wall again, and in some ways the hard surface behind her back felt comforting and in others terrifying. "Stop! Just stop!"

"But you're fine, right? Other than hindering your magical potency this ability alone can't actually hurt you so why do you look as if you are being burned at the stake?" There was no malice in his tone. The dragging sensations subsided. His point had been made. Tender fingers hooked under her chin to turn her face back towards him. "You're not fine."

  
Aleksia's hand shot up to grab his roughly and pushed it away, "Don't ever touch me." Her eyes narrowed as the expression on her face turned almost dangerously dark. It was enough to have Cullen to take several steps backwards until he was outside the cabin door. Not wasting the opportunity, Aleksia slammed the door closed and locked it.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Aleksia let out a long, trembling breath. One hand remained against the door to her cabin whilst the other combed through her long black hair.

"Shit," she voiced to the empty room. She had no idea what to do next. Remaining alone in the silent cabin with nothing but her own hellish thoughts, was almost as undesirable as stepping outside of the cabin where Cullen was in all probability still standing. The four walls suddenly seemed as if they were too close and moving intermittently closer. She needed to get out of the vexatious confines of that preposterously compact room. No footsteps had been heard moving away from the door, there was no way of knowing if he still remained. She was trapped by her own relentless need to stay away from him, yet desire to be anywhere that meant she would not be alone, solitary.

She needed people, she needed to hold on to some aspect of her life before. She needed, normality without an emotional context, without anyone getting too close. Time had no meaning as she remained standing just as she was by the door. Only when she was assured no sounds came from the other side did she risk unlocking it. As she reached her hand out to turn the knob, her heart rate increased. Her breathing quickened as she turned it and pushed on the wooden surface. It swung open to reveal an empty space outside. There were footsteps in the snow leading away from the cabin, that was all she needed to know that the path was clear.

Aleksia had spotted the tavern in Haven during her previous explorations of the small village and had committed the location to her memory. Being inside was a lot different to just seeing it from the outside. In her lifetime, even having taken a few trips away from the circle over the years she had never actually stepped foot in one. It was like an entirely different world all of its own.

The first thing she noticed, was the smell. The moment she stepped over the threshold her nose was inundated with alcohol, cigars and sweat. Patrons were scattered about tables, some in pairs, some in larger groups. All held beverages of a variety in their hands. A young bard was standing off to one side playing a lute, her voice was enchanting and reached all corners of the large open room. She certainly had the attention of several somewhat inebriated men.

The atmosphere, was decidedly relaxed. Muscles Aleksia didn't even know were tense about her body also started unwinding. Voices were low hums with the occasional belly laugh breaking out over the top of the music.

"Herald, I didn't know you would be stopping by. I'm Flissa. I would have-" her voice broke off as Aleksia interrupted.

"Please, no fuss. I'm just after an ale. Something local." Aleksia's eyes tracked from one side to the other, she let out a breath that had been unknowingly held. The last thing she wanted was for those who didn't already know who she was to recognise her. After Flissa gave the mug of ale to her, she turned her back to the bar completely and scanned the rest of the tavern slowly. What she happened to be looking for, she really had no idea. All she did know was that she did not want to be alone anymore, after over five months in solitary confinement she needed to remember what it was like to be social. She didn't even remember when it last was that she had really smiled, and meant it. Or when she had last shared a joke, the simple little things so easily taken for granted until one lives in a world where they don't exist.

Drinking ale was not something new, they had all shared many drinks over the games of wicked grace. Nonetheless it had been so long since her last that the liquid burned all the way down her throat, almost robbing her of breath at the same time. It only took a few mouthfuls to start feeling the warming effect of the alcohol. On reaching the bottom of the mug, there was a definitive fog cast over her mind. For that moment, she allowed herself to forget the nightmares of the past and focus on the present. Across the room, Aleksia noticed a set of very curious brown eyes looking in her direction. The man they belonged to had short, straight dark brown hair and equally dark eyes to match. He was not someone she knew but he was very noticeably looking in her direction.

Although her worldly experience was negligible at best, there was no shortage of couplings in the Circles in spite of the First Enchanters best efforts to keep such happenings to a minimum. Aleksia knew exactly what this strangers smile meant and that it was directed at her. He was interested, very interested. She offered him an alluring smile in return, as she raised one hand to coil a black lock of hair around her fingers. Thereafter she turned back to the bar counter and waited.

The wait was not a long one, it was however brimming with expectancy laced with apprehension. Picking up random strangers for the purpose of mutual pleasure was not her usual play, it was more something her friends had been likely to do. Now however it needed to be her, no questions asked but a close intimacy that theoretically would leave her feeling somewhat less alone. As she motioned for Flissa to refill her mug, a deep husky voice spoke from behind.

"I'll get this one, if the lady doesn't mind?" He sounded only mildly uncertain, as if there were a chance for rejection. Aleksia suspected that was more for show than how he actually felt about his approach.

Her spoken words held a confidence that inwardly she didn't feel, "On one condition."

"Oh? What might that be?" His eyes and his smile held a natural curiosity.

Aleksia turned her head towards him and ran her tongue over her lips, a slow deliberate action that did not fail to catch his notice. She cocked her chin in the direction of an empty table off to one side, "That you join me for this drink."

He leaned his head in closer to her ear, she could feel a puff of breath against her skin. As her heart rate quickened she was not entirely sure if it was due to anticipation or anxiety. "It would be my pleasure Mi'lady."

As he offered a hand out to her, she reached her own over to accept. His palm was warm against hers as his fingers closed around her hand. The warmth of another against her skin was not entirely unwelcome, it held a sense of companionship so that for the moment the world seemed a little less lonely.

~~~~~~~~

They had remained at the tavern for a long while, talking which was mostly flirting and drinking. At Aleksia's insistence no names had been exchanged, nor any personal details about their lives before that day. They spoke a little of Haven and the people who resided there and exchanged made up background stories of the other tavern occupant's based on clothing, hairstyles and mannerisms. All in all, the time spent had been enjoyable. As the evening wore on and the alcohol they had consumed started to melt inhibitions; the flirting started to take many steps forwards. Lips met and kisses deepened, hands had started wandering towards places inappropriate for a public venue, so she had invited him back to her cabin where they would be away from curious eyes.

At the old wooden door, he turned her to face him. As he leaned forwards and met her lips again she reached behind and fumbled with the door. She hadn't bothered with the lock as she had no personal effects outside of the robes she had been wearing the day they arrived in Haven. It should have been a simple matter of turning the handle but as his tongue teased her mouth and his body pressed up against her, the effect was more than a little distracting. Aleksia let out a sharp gasp as his lips found her neck, her hips suddenly having a mind of their own as she moved against him. She wanted, no she needed, to feel warm naked skin pressed up against her.

With one more attempt at the door handle it finally gave way and turned under her fingers. With their body weight against it the door flung open causing them both to stumble inside. She reached out one foot and kicked it closed again, almost tripping over in the process. Although she had slowed her drinking down a while ago, her reflexes were certainly still affected. She giggled as his arms caught her around the waist steadying her. Once inside, behind the closed door, he wasted no time at all in pressing her back up against the wall.

His body was against hers, her back arched off the wall grinding against him as his lips found her neck. The trail of kisses led back to her lips, his actions became more insistent, hungrier, even rougher than they had been at the tavern. It was then, inside the cabin pinned between him and the wall with the door closed, that her mind started to shift directions. It became more real as realisation set in. They were actually going to do this. She was going to have sex with a complete stranger, whose name she didn't even know in her cabin. She wanted this, or did she?

She found herself unable to return his hungry kisses as his lips devoured hers. His actions, the feel of a stranger's mouth on hers lacked a feeling, an intimacy that she was used to when kissing another. Her tongue retracted back into her mouth, suddenly his taste was bitter and uninviting. Her muscles involuntarily retracted at the feel of his touches as he tried to remove her clothing and as he succeeded in opening the front of her robes she recoiled at the feel of his fingers against her bare skin.

She couldn't do this. She couldn't. Her body was rejecting the emotionless hungry touches of his hands. Her lips no longer wanted to feel his rough kisses. It was so entirely different being touched by someone she didn't care about, there was nothing tender about it. It wasn't appealing, in fact it made her skin crawl and her stomach feel nauseated. She had to stop this. Placing both of her hands on his shoulders she gave a push, hard enough to indicate she wanted him to move. He ignored the cue, or hadn't noticed it because he pressed his body harder against hers. As her robes came open further she was starting to feel a little panicked. She managed to turn her head so that her lips were out of reach. It was only then, that he stopped long enough to speak.

"Why did you stop?" She could see the look of alcohol fueled desire in his eyes, it looked almost like a fire that even water couldn't douse.

"I'm sorry. I thought I could do this, but I can't." She was sincere in her apology, it really wasn't fair to wind someone up like that and then put a stop to it at the last minute.

He held her gaze for a moment longer and then his head tilted back as he laughed. It wasn't a joyful sounding laugh, not like earlier when they had been exchanging jokes about the taverns patrons. This laugh was more sinister and it took all of her willpower not to shudder visibly. "Funny, you almost had me there. After all the flirting and come-ons tonight, I know you can't really be serious."

The warmth was gone from his eyes, they now looked cold and distant. Aleksia was still pinned between him and the wall and he made no signs of being willing to move. A moment later he grabbed her hips roughly and pulled her body hard up against him as he attempted to cover her lips with his own, she could feel his arousal hard against her stomach. Instead of the stirring between her legs that should have bought to her if she really wanted him, it made her cringe and try to pull away. She had turned her head to the side just in time so that his lips missed hers and touched on her cheek instead. This elicited a low growl of frustration from him. "Please, I mean it. Stop."

She knew he heard her but chose to ignore her words. Every action from him had become rougher, more hungry and insistent, to the point of being painful. His hands moved under her robes against her bare skin, sliding upwards in an attempt to push the garment off her shoulders. In the process one of her breasts became exposed which he grabbed at roughly with one hand, pinching her nipple hard between his fingers. Her yelp in response was not one of pleasure but instead pain.

She could feel it building inside her, a fury, an anger, unlike any she had ever experienced. She had asked for him to stop and been ignored, she could not allow herself to be violated she just couldn’t. Aleksia pressed her hands against his chest, where he was still quite drunk, she was suddenly feeling a lot more sober. She pushed against him as hard as she could causing him to stagger. It wasn't enough, he recovered far too quickly and she was still pinned hard against the wall. So hard that it was becoming difficult to breath.

He grabbed hold of her partially opened robes and pulled, the action ripped through the remaining bindings that held it in place. The material still new and unforgiving burned against her skin with the roughness and force he had used to rip it free, red welts formed across her stomach. Aleksia seeing no other option, purposefully relaxed her body against him, it gave him the illusion of defeat. He also relaxed his body, just enough for her to slip a leg between his. With as much force as she could physically muster she pulled her knee right up between his legs. He staggered backwards as he grabbed his groin, she could see the pain etched into his eyes. As he collided with the bed behind him, almost falling on to it, a vial of lyrium fell from a pocket inside his jacket and rolled onto the floor.

"Andraste's ass! You're a flaming Templar bastard!" Her body shook with a rage she had no control of, the fear she already felt towards him intensified until it was almost blinding. An agonising pain shot up her lower arm as her hand started to glow green, the mark responded to the magic that was growing and expanding inside her. The sheer force of it was so strong that she had no choice but to release it, there was nothing she could do to hold it back even if she had wanted to. Her hand extended outwards facing him as a swirling green beam of light leapt forwards hitting the Templar directly in the chest. Aleksia could feel the veil tearing open inside him. His body twisted and contorted awkwardly as a micro rift opened, cries of pain came from his mouth as his bones shattered into little pieces inside his body, caused by the rifts attempt to pull him through. Aleksia averted her eyes, closing them tightly from the excruciating pain she could see on his face. She fought every second to pull back the beam and have the tiny rift close again. No matter what he had tried to do, she couldn't stand back and watch anyone be tortured like that by so much pain.

His cries and whimpers became quieter until they stopped all together. Finally the green beam of magic had expended itself, the Templar's lifeless body fell to the ground. As Aleksia built up the courage to open her eyes again she could see a look of sheer terror was forever etched into his motionless open eyes.

~~~~~~~~

The moments after the death of the Templar were something of a blur for Aleksia. By some means she had managed to pull on the clean bathrobe that had been left in her cabin, most likely by Josephine's direction, and make her way over to Solas' place of residence. She was sitting at his table with her shaking hand wrapped around a steaming mug of tea. He didn't seem bothered by the fact that she had not wanted to talk and had barely said two words since arriving. He had simply made her the tea and then set himself back to work on sketches that he had been drawing. It was a comfortable silence for Aleksia, he hadn't tried to pry into her personal life but rather seemed to accept the fact that she didn't wish to speak of it. It was almost as if he had sensed that she wanted company without conversation and was willing to oblige.

She suspected the reason for her comfort in his presence was the fact that Solas was a mage and an apostate, about as far away from the Chantry, the Circles and Templars as she could get. As she drank the last mouthful of tea, her hands had finally steadied some. She turned her body sideways on the chair so that she could face Solas, his silence and lack of attempt to pry was most likely also the reason why she broke the silence in his cabin. "They will be looking for me, either tonight or in the morning."

"Who? Maybe you should have some rest now while you can?" Solas glanced upwards from his drawing to meet her eyes. He seemed mildly curious,but mostly concerned for her.

"I'm not sure," she paused for a moment. She really did not know how much to tell Solas, the last thing she wanted was to drag someone else in to her problems. There was also her own aversion towards speaking about anything that hurt her. She was accustomed to helping fix others problems; not needing help herself. "I guess either Cassandra or Cullen, or perhaps a couple of guards. I... There will be questions."

He watched her for a moment as if he was considering his approach, "You don't have to answer anything, until you are ready. You can rest here if you would prefer."

Her voice was soft and uncertain, "I don't think I will have that option, not this time.. If I stay quiet, they are going to think that... that I did it on purpose."

"There might be another option. If you want it, you could tell me what happened. I can talk to the others for you, so that you don't have to. I can pass on only what needs to be said." There was only sincerity in his voice and expression. Aleksia could see that the only reason he had even suggested it, was to help her. He expected nothing more from her than she was willing to give, for her it was an almost refreshing change to the constant demands of others.

  
She found herself seriously considering his offer, however before she was able to reach a decision there was a loud knock at the door. Instantly every muscle in her body tensed. Of course, they wouldn't know she was there. They were most likely only be looking for her and asking those who may have seen her. She could have hidden but, she wouldn't risk the possibility of Solas getting into trouble on her account. So as he went to open the door, she remained at the table, in full view. She would take whatever came her way.


	5. Chapter 5

The incandescent full moon was high in the sky, casting a silvery hue over the snow covered ground. It almost looked as if it were glowing and made the night appear only marginally dimmer than the daylight hours had been.

The air was cold against his warmer cheeks as he ran his fingers through his disheveled blonde hair. The earthy scent of elfroot and newly fallen snow carried on the breeze. Needing time to arrange the funeral for one of his recruits was not exactly how Cullen had expected to be spending his evening. The young man had been a promising soldier, eager and competent, he couldn't help but feel the loss of the young Templar's life was also a loss to the Inquisition. However, the biggest cause for his concern and the frown lines wrinkling his forehead was the fact that he seemed to have completely misjudged the Herald. He would not have thought her to be capable of murder and yet the body had been found battered and broken by magical means and in her cabin.

The evidence was damning, but perhaps a little too much so. No attempt had been made to cover it up. In fact even her cabin door had been left wide open, inviting anyone who cared to look inside. That wasn't exactly the action of a cold-hearted killer, assuming of course that she was still in Haven. If she was his soldiers should have found her by then, Haven was not a large town. He eyed the door to her cabin that was still wide open with a look of wary apprehension. The body had since been removed so that the healer, who was really more of an alchemist than a healer, could look over it. He had instructed those who removed the body not to disturb anything, he had wanted to go over the remainder of the scene himself.

As a Templar, who at times had been tasked with tracking down apostates that did not want to be found, he had learned to be observant of his surroundings. Sometimes even the smallest, seemingly insignificant thing could tell a story. Inside the cabin not much had been disturbed, there were a couple of wrinkles on the bed cover that he suspected might have been from someone leaning against it. A picture frame on the wall near the door had been knocked off balance and was now sitting almost sideways. Most everything else appeared to be undisturbed. The scene in the cabin really gave little away as to what actually took place there.

Cullen sighed to the empty room. Whatever secrets it held it wasn't going to tell him. On the way back outside, as he was pulling the door closed behind him, something on the floor moved. The gust of air from the closing it had caught a piece of green material and caused it to flutter upwards before settling back down onto the floor. It was a familiar green and as he picked it up for closer study he knew exactly where it had come from. It matched the green material of the robes Aleksia had been wearing earlier that day. As he plucked it from the ground, the piece in his hand looked as if it had been torn. It also had a smear of blood, which he assumed had to be Aleksia's as the Templar's body had no signs of outward injuries.

"Makers Breath," suddenly he wasn't so sure he even wanted to know what had taken place. Ever since he had met Aleksia he had found himself constantly reminded of all the things he despised about the order, the circles and the mages. All of those things all at once. The most bothersome of all, was the constant reminder of all the things he detested about himself. The nightmares of the past that had plagued his dreams for years had increased in frequency and intensity. It had been that way since that very first day by the lake when she had introduced herself, it was what he had seen in the depth of her pale blue eyes and her obvious distaste for Templars.

~~~~~~~~

The knock at the door to Solas’ cabin had been two of Cullen’s guards tasked with locating and bringing Aleksia in for questioning. She was to be placed in one of the prison cells at the bottom of the Haven chantry. At first, Solas had only opened the door a small amount, he had given her the option to remain hidden so that she could at least have a full night of rest first. He had started to tell the guards that she had not been seen by him, Aleksia however had other idea’s. She wasn’t about to bring someone else down with her if it came to that. To that end, she had touched his arm after approaching the door. It was her way of saying that she would be fine and then handed herself over to the guards.  
  
She was fine, with handing herself over. She was fine with waiting to be questioned. She wasn’t fine with the cold, ominous, dimly lit, stale smelling prison cell that she was to be placed in. As the old hinges of the metal barred door creaked in protest at being opened her stomach clenched tightly. She could taste the bile rising to her throat as she peered inside. For the first time since giving herself to the guards, she hesitated.  
  
Her voice was small and feeble as it echoed through the all but abandoned prison walls, "Can’t I wait in the war room?"  
  
"Given the severity of the matter at hand, our orders were clear," the guards tone was matter-of-fact and left very little room for disagreement.  
  
She closed her eyes and counted three steps forwards, past the point of no return. Every muscle in her body jumped as the sound of the metal door being latched reached her ears. With her eyes still clenched tightly closed, she heard the footsteps of the guards moving away from the door. On opening them, once the sound of the footsteps dissipated, it wasn’t the Haven prison cell seen through them but the four walls of the Ostwick tower’s solitary confinement.

_The door opened casting a flood of light into the room. Two figures entered the solitary confinement cell, as her eyes adjusted she could barely make out the armour of one and the robes of the other. Most of what she did see was due to the memories of the two more than actually seeing clearly through the sudden onslaught of light that always stung her eyes. It was the same thing every day._

_"Heal her and remember our agreement." The familiar Templar voice ordered._

_Aleksia had given up her attempts days ago, after having tried appealing to this mages better nature. Evidently she didn't have one. So as the mage knelt beside her and followed the Templars orders, Aleksia remained silent. The all too familiar tingling washed over her as this time the cuts and abrasions across her back and stomach, that had been caused by a relentless whipping the night before, began to close over and repair._

_Each morning she was healed, each night she was subjected to horrors most had only ever heard about and then left alone with her pain and tears for hours after. If she was lucky a loss of consciousness would give her some reprieve for a couple of hours, but most of the time she was left rolling around the floor in sheer agony. The days and nights rolled into each other, she no longer even knew how long she had been in that dark cold cell. She didn't even care how long it had been for all that remained of her was a blank, numb shell. The only thing she felt was the pain from the beatings when they came that reminded her she was still alive._

_The tingling sensations ended as the mage pulled back and silently left, closing the door behind her. Aleksia's stomach pained and growled in hungry protest, that too was now familiar. It had probably been days again since she was last fed a meal, even then there was no guarantee the meal would remain in her stomach. Sometimes she was so hungry that she would forget to eat slowly; that caused an entirely different protest from her belly as it then rejected and expelled the food. Other times it was deliberate by those who fed her, laced with enough poison to have her retching for days._

_For the time after the healing the darkness was almost comforting. It was the only real reprieve as it would be hours before the next onslaught of pain and her only real chance to rest her broken, weary body. Although sleep rarely came and when it did her dreams also filled with the nightmares of her waking world._

~~~~~~~~

He had put it off for hours, filling the time with menial tasks that really could have waited. He had argued with Cassandra, and tried to convince her that she should be the one to question Aleksia but the arguments had fallen on obstinate ears. In an extremely exasperating way, she had been right. He did need to prove to himself that he could deal with the past and still perform his duties as the Inquisitions Commander. This was one such moment whereby he wasn't so certain he could.

As he looked into each cell on the way past, he had almost missed hers. The flickering lighting from the lit touches along the walls had done little to provide visibility. Nonetheless a small movement followed by a whimper draw his attention to her. The Herald was huddled up against the far back wall, in the shadows of the cells corner. Cullen picked up one of the torches and pointed it in towards her cell, illuminating it with a flickering orange hue. As the area lit up, Aleksia raised an arm to shield her eyes from the light. There was only a brief glimpse of her pained expression and glazed blue-grey eyes before her face was covered. He could see the raised arm shaking with vehemence.

"Herald?" His voice was uncertain. It was already difficult enough to ascertain how she would respond to him at any given time, let alone when she had been placed in a dank cell under his orders. However as he waited, she showed no sign of a response or even recognition and her arm remained raised.

"Aleksia?" He tried again. This time her head raised slowly with purpose. However her eyes as they turned towards him were emotionless and unseeing, she still remained silent with a stubborn set to her jaw. Cullen wondered if her silence and reactions were due to being placed in the cell, or if they were because of whatever transpired the previous night.

"I need to ask you about what happened last night. About why one of the Inquisitions recruits was found dead in your cabin." He kept his tone as even and professional as possible, which under the arduous circumstances was not altogether an easy task.

He waited perhaps a minute or two before continuing when she refused to respond, "Given that you don't appear to be in the mood for talking, I shall take my leave and return later."

Aleksia shifted, her hands clenching tightly. What could only be described as tormenting fear ascended into her eyes. Her voice was dry, like someone who had not spoken nor had anything to drink in hours, but almost pleading. "Wait."

  
He tried to turn around and take those steps out of the prisons corridor but as he looked at her, he couldn't avert his eyes. He wanted to. He needed to because to remain was reminding him of a past best forgotten. However part of him, the part that felt compassion and humanity couldn't. Against the backdrop of the cell she looked so tiny, vulnerable and terrified. He also noticed for the first time just how pale and thin she was. It was obvious to him now that she had been in a cell before, and that it had not gone well.

"Open the cell door," He barked to a nearby guard.

The guard hesitated, "Are you certain Sir? She did kill, without a weapon."

He held back a sigh "I am aware of what was found. Open it."

"Yes Sir." The guard stepped forwards and placed the key in the lock. It twisted into place with a clunk from years old grooves. The moment the lock released the guard couldn't move back fast enough and almost tripped over his own feet in the process.

As Cullen stepped into the cell, Aleksia flinched and sat up straighter with her back against the stone wall. Her lips pressed together tightly and the set of her jaw became rigid, it was almost as if she was bracing herself. Against what, Cullen didn't know but he correctly assumed there were no good images in her mind at that moment. What was an almost constant dull ache in his head from the withdrawals of Lyrium became sharper and more acute as he took a couple of steps forwards. He could scarcely keep his own demons under control, when it came to someone else's he was painstakingly at a loss.

"One of the reasons I left the order and joined with the Inquisition, was to prevent unnecessary harm to those who do not deserve it." He kept his distance with his hand ready to reach for the blade that was sheathed by his side if it was required.

"You seem to be doing such an amazing job of that so far," she replied with a tone that was bitter enough to make Cullen cringe inwardly.

"Obviously not everything can be prevented," he bit back with more venom than was intended.

Aleksia sighed as she closed her eyes, "I didn't ask to be dragged in to your Inquisition."

"Perhaps not, but you are still here even after Cassandra said you were free to leave. Why?" Although he tried to keep it out he couldn't stop the animosity that snaked its way into his tone. She hadn't exactly been the most welcoming towards him.

"I don't know," she answered.

"I think you do. You also obviously have a problem with me, have I offended you in some way?" As he asked his tone softened fractionally.

Aleksia opened her eyes and smirked, "I can't possibly imagine why I might have an issue with someone who made a profession out of hunting mages."

"Some of those rumours were exaggerated." He snapped at her, even though at the same time he was once again hit with the guilt of the things he had done.

"Are you saying you've never killed mages?" She asked in anger.

"Are you saying you have never killed a Templar?" He snapped back.

Aleksia looked away quickly as a spark of electricity jumped across her fingers. Cullen could feel the magical energy building but it was struggling as if she were attempting to hold it back as she closed those fingers into her fist. With a sigh her tone of voice was softer, almost more vulnerable. "Solas, if you bring him in I will tell him what happened last night but no one else."

"I will speak with Cassandra. If she is in agreement I will see to it." He wasn't sure bringing in an apostate to speak with her was the best course of action but he did didn't entirely trust himself to make that decision on his own. He also silently chided himself for being unable to hold the professionalism he had intended to, her constant remarks towards him where starting to wear on his nerves.

~~~~~~~~

The passage of time had little meaning inside a prison cell. It was something long since learned, especially when most cells were underground thereby making it impossible to ascertain night from day. Time simply ticked away in silence with the occasional sound of the guards boots on the stone floor, or the sound of the keys in his pocket rattling. At least no more memories surfaced that Aleksia wasn't expecting and a full breakfast had been served on time. That at least had been a reminder that she wasn't in the circles prison and perhaps a show of faith that the Inquisition might be better.

Even with all of those thoughts she couldn't help but feel relieved when Solas did come by and had the guard let him into the cell. There was a safety with Solas in the way that he held himself composed, restrained like he would rarely if ever lose hold of that control. In the face of her own lack of control it was comforting, as was not being alone any longer.

"I hear you have decided to take me up on my offer," he was studying her face with his eyes, as if trying to decide for himself how she really was.

"I have. I... can't really see the others being able to understand. Not really." She turned her eyes away from his close examination, even with Solas she didn't feel comfortable being studied that closely. To her it felt as if all her secrets would be revealed at once if someone looked too long.

With the door to the cell still open, the guard a safe distance and looking rather nervous, Solas moved the rest of the way inside to sit down next to Aleksia. He mimicked her by resting his back against the stone wall, "Just take your time. I have as long as you need."

It felt unusual to her, speaking the words out loud. She had never been one to speak of her own predicaments to anyone, not even her friends. She listened to others, she helped them when she was able to and always kept much of herself locked away. Most people had enough concerns of their own, without dealing with hers as well, so she had always worked through those inner demons herself. Not that she had many until Lucas became possessed, but even that she had kept to herself. No one knew what she had gone through with him over that year.

Solas was the perfect listener, he remained quiet throughout her recount of the previous night. He didn't judge her when she explained she had gone to the tavern for the purpose of seeking companionship, although she left out the specific details on why. His eyes showed some anger when she told him of her change of heart and her companion's unwillingness to comply with her wishes. He listened as she explained her anger, and how it expanded even further upon discovering he was a Templar and did not speak until he was sure she had finished telling him the whole story.

"I think had I of been in your place, I would have done the same," Solas remarked once she had finished speaking.

"I find that difficult to believe, you always seem so calm and in control." She turned her head sideways to look at him. "Do you ever even get angry?"

With that he chuckled, "I assure you it can happen."

"What do you do? Stare them down with a frown?" She teased.

"Pray you never find out." He responded with a light tone. However, even though his tone was light, there was that hidden thing in his expression again. The one that was far out of reach.

Aleksia's own expression turned more serious, "So what do you think happens now? Will they throw away the key?"

"The seeker is not without compassion, I will speak with her." Solas responded as he placed his hand on her arm and gave her a gentle compassionate squeeze. "I am sure it will all work out."

Instead of pulling away from the contact, Aleksia offered Solas a hopeful smile. "I pray you are right."

  
Solas slipped his arm across her shoulder and gently coaxed her closer. The warmth and comfort he provided was welcoming as she rested her head into the crook of his arm. It wasn't until that moment, feeling safe and secure that she realised how tired she truly was. It didn't take long for her eyes to droop and sleep to take over.


	6. Chapter 6

Even after talking with Solas it still took another couple of days before a decision was reached, leaving Aleksia in the cell. Sometimes she was able to deal with it and keep the demons of the past at bay. Other times it was near torture to be back in a cell again, even one that was more open than the circles solitary had been. The worst part of all was feeling so out of control when it came to the direction her life had taken. Just as it had before, her fate rested solely in the hands of others. That thought was swiftly replaced by the realisation that it had always been that way, someone else always had control from the moment she had been placed in the circles. Really, from the moment she had been born.

At times she could imagine their arguments as they discussed what to do with her. Cassandra she imagined was more than likely on her side. Roderick if he had a say in the matter would be back to wanting her shipped off to endure proper judgement for the breach. Solas if he was there would have been defending her. Cullen would most likely be against her, leaving Leliana with the deciding vote, or was it the other way around? The idealistic views she once held, that one day magic may be seen as a gift and not a curse, had long since left her. There was no mistaking the curse that ruined every life it touched.

Solas had stopped by when he could manage to steal himself away from his duties. Although few words were exchanged between them it was an easy silence. He offered the comfort she needed to feel less alone and often remained until she was sleeping against his shoulder. The next time he had returned, two additional guards had followed. As he had done with each visit, he asked that the cell door be opened. That time however instead of going in the cell he had Aleksia come out to him.

"What's going on?" She asked with a puzzled expression.

"They have reached a decision. You are permitted to walk Haven as before, however you are to remain under guard." His expression was solemn and his tone sympathetic. "They feel you are too unpredictable to be left on your own and yet can't ignore the threat that the rifts pose."

"I see." Aleksia pressed her lips together tensely. She was certain now if it were not for the mark on her hand, the outcome would have been significantly different. She didn't know if she wanted to thank it and be grateful for the chance, or if she wanted to rip the thing off so they could pass proper judgement over her.

"It will simply give them the opportunity to see what I do." Solas stated as they fell into step beside each other, with her newly appointed guards following.

Although it felt good to be out of that cell, it was also a very loaded sense of freedom knowing that her every move would now be under close scrutiny. The person she used to be would have found the situation highly amusing. She no longer remembered how to be that person, or if she even still existed. "And what is that?"

"That you are a person of great integrity who is having a run of bad luck." He answered easily.

"I wish I had your confidence, but thank you for saying so." The person he spoke of, was the person she used to be. The person she used to be would never have bitten Cullen's head off as she had done, nor would she have gotten herself into the situation she had been in with the other Templar.

"I speak only of the truth. Just give yourself some time." Solas then appeared to hesitate for a moment before asking his question. "Do you wish to return to your cabin or you could remain with me, I can take the sofa for a few nights."

Aleksia smiled at his offer as she shook her head, "I fear I have already imposed on you enough. I don't want to risk outstaying my welcome."

"It is no bother, if that is what you would prefer. I would welcome the company." Solas' tone and expression appeared genuine. It was his hesitation that had her feeling uneasy. She hoped he had not been reading more into the time they spent together than friendship.

"It is nice to know the offer is there, but I will be fine. Really." She offered him another smile, however this one she had to work at.

"Of course. I shall take my leave and see you tomorrow. You know where to find me if you need anything." Solas gave her a small nod of his head as they parted company just outside the chantry.

Aleksia let out a small sigh as she made her way over to the cabin. She knew the guards were behind, she could hear the clinking of metal from their full suits of armor. She didn't know if their presence was comforting or troubling. The sky above had darkened by cloud cover as snowflakes began falling. At first it was just a light hazy snowfall but as she neared the cabin the sky and the weather had become more menacing. The snowfall increased and a wind howled its way through Haven, she shivered and pulled her robes tighter around her body as her steps increased. Voices of others also scrambling for cover could be heard through the wind. The weather had certainly taken a more sinister turn and although it was tempting to insist the guards remain outside, with the increased snowfall and wind indicating a storm was not far behind she just couldn't do it.

"You two better come in before this gets any worse." All she could see of the guards behind their armor was two sets of grateful looking eyes.

"Thank you. I believe you are right." Both guards followed Aleksia indoors as she pushed open the door to the cabin and then quickly closed it behind them after a gust of wind blew a light snow cover over the wooden flooring.

"Feel free to remain indoors until the weather improves. It has... been a trying few days, rest is calling me." Her voice was quiet and as weary as she felt. She didn't really even have the energy to feel uncomfortable about the fact that two people would be standing watching her sleep as she slipped down between the covers and turned her back to them. By the time her nightmares woke her from a deep sleep, covered in a sheen of sweat the sounds from the wind and snow outside had subsided. One of the guards had already exited the cabin but the other had remained and was looking at her with concern.

The voice that spoke was heavily accented but still easy enough to understand, "Herald, are you okay?"

Aleksia extracted herself from the bed covers and made her way over to sit down at the table. "I am fine." She placed her head between her hands to massage out the tension from her temples.

"Do they happen often? The nightmares?" He seemed to hold a natural curiosity about the person they all called the Herald of Andraste.

"Most nights of late." She responded with a tired voice.

"Are they caused by the mark on your hand?" The guard asked.

Aleksia dropped her hands down to the table and shook her head in response, "No. Since before then. Lets just say it has been a difficult year and leave it at that shall we?"

The guard bowed his head slightly, "Of course Herald. I didn't mean to pry."

"Its okay, I'm sure curiosity is normal considering. There are just some questions I'd rather not answer." Deciding a change of conversation would be best, Aleksia raised her eyebrows slightly, "So who did you get on the bad side of to end up having to babysit me anyway?"

The guard shifted a little uncomfortably before answering, "Actually I volunteered."

"Why in Andraste's name would anyone do that?" The question just tumbled out before she could even consider the fact that it might be inappropriate or make the guard uncomfortable.

"I asked myself that same question at first but, it's not looking too bad." He responded with amusement.

_Is he flirting with me?_ "Well, I'm glad I can at least provide some amusement. I am sure you must have been asking yourself if you were going to end up staring at the wall all night whilst I slept on."

"Actually you have been tossing for a while, it's why I remained inside to make sure you are okay." He responded easily.

"You weren't concerned you might end up the next victim of the unstable Herald? Maker.. I can only imagine what people are thinking of me now." Frown lines appeared across her forehead as she lowered her head into her hands again. Varric had been right, she did know how to cause a stir it would seem.

"Not everyone automatically believes rumours. Some do prefer to make their own judgements " he said with a softer tone to his voice.

"Is that why you volunteered? So you could see for yourself?" She lifted her head up to meet his eyes, given that was about all she could see behind the full suit of armor anyway.

"In part, I guess it was." He replied after a moment of thought.

"Well, in that case I hope I don't dissapoint." Aleksia's tone was light and filled with amusement but in a way she meant it. The guard had in part just given her the opportunity to prove to someone, maybe even to herself as well, that she wasn't completely insane.

"Doubtful. However the shift change is due to arrive so I should take my post. I'll see you tomorrow night Herald." He turned towards the cabin door and started to turn the handle but paused in mid action when she spoke again.

"Oh? Planning to volunteer again already?" Her tone and question was perhaps a little more eager than she had intended.

"The roster has already been planned for the week." He turned his head to look over his shoulder, which in full armor really meant shifting his body sideways as well. "It would seem as if you are the one stuck with me, for at least that long."

Aleksia tried to hide her smile as she stood up from her chair. "Until tomorrow then."

~~~~~~~~

 

In spite of the extra snowfall causing the mornings air to be even crisper than it had been previous mornings, Aleksia still turned her face towards the shining sun. In the cell she had wondered more than once if sunshine was something she would experience again. Now she had just been grateful for the opportunity, even if it did mean guards in tow. Her boots had left prints in the newly fallen snow which was also softer underfoot.

She had managed a couple more hours of sleep after the guard had left before nightmares again woke her. The day ahead looked to be a busy one, before she had even managed to finish eating her first meal a messenger had arrived. Solas wanted her to meet him for the combat training they had discussed whilst she was imprisoned. That was where she was headed when voices from just inside the chantry door caught her notice.

"Your Herald should already be on her way to Val Royeaux for sentencing, especially after this latest incident." The first voice belonged to Chancellor Roderick. He had already been willing to express his views on that at Aleksia's first meeting. His words came as no surprise to her. As she stepped into view the second person involved in the conversation was already speaking. His back was to her, so although the Chancellor had spotted her approaching Cullen had not.

"I don't entirely disagree with you Chancellor, she probably should be in a holding cell at the very least. However who do you propose close the breach should the Herald be unavailable to do so?" Aleksia's eyes narrowed as she stared at the back of Cullen's head. By then it was too late for her to turn around and go back where she had come from, as much as she had wished it at that moment. Cullen was already turning around to see what had caught the Chancellor's eye.

  
As soon as realisation had shown in his expression, Aleksia was sure Cullen's face paled somewhat as he stood staring at her. Her own cheeks felt suddenly warmer as she did the only thing she was able to in that moment. She broke eye contact and continued towards Solas' cabin and when she heard Cullen's voice call after her, she ignored him. It wasn’t until she was certain they would no longer be able to see her that she stopped walking. She leant forwards and placed her hands on her knees gasping for air with tears stinging the inside of her eye lids. It was one thing to wonder about being kept around simply to close the breach and another entirely to actually know it.


	7. Chapter 7

Aleksia's chest felt tight as she gasped. It was as if the air was being pushed right out of her lungs from the inside and the muscles in her chest wouldn't release to allow more in. She rested a hand against the outer wooden wall of a cabin that was close by to try and keep her balance. Segments of the words that had been spoken rolled around in her mind on a loop. She probably should be in a cell. Who else do you propose will close the breach? Her purpose, her continued existence came down to one thing; that she was the only one who could close it. If the mark was not on her hand she wouldn't have been standing in Haven. Did any of them at all even care or were they just pretending so that she would do their bidding for them? Did everyone believe her to be some kind of monster just waiting to strike? Perhaps they were correct, maybe there wasn't enough of her left any more to be anything else.

Her head felt heavy and black spots appeared in front of her eyes. Just before she could lose consciousness she was finally able to take a deep breath inwards. The tears that were threatening burned the inside of her eyelids with a stinging pain but she refused to let them go. None of those who had hurt her would be given the satisfaction of knowing she was breaking, of seeing them falling down her cheeks. Her mind continued to race with incessant thoughts and questions. What part of her had wanted to believe that Cullen had thought differently? He was just another Templar, like the rest. Like those at the Ostwick circle who had mistreated and scarred her. All she had done was antagonise him with her hatred and distrust. Of course he wouldn't actually stand up for her. Why would he when she had given him no reason to and more to the point why had she wanted him to?

Carefully she slowed her breathing and regained the strength that had threatened to leave her. Aleksia forced her thoughts to turn back in the direction of training with Solas. He at least seemed to believe in her even when she couldn't believe in herself. It was something to hold onto now when everything else seemed lost.

After she had arrived Solas quickly lead her to a large open area amongst the tree's on the other side of the lake. The ground was still soft after the snowfall, boots sank ankle deep with each step. They stood face to face each with a wooden staff in their hands.

"So, the plan is no magic. Staffs only, with you on the defensive to begin with." Solas instructed as he shifted his hands on his own staff so that they were positioned evenly apart, towards the centre of the shaft.

Aleksia raised her eyebrows, "Your telling a mage not to use magic during combat training?"

"We are going into the middle of a war zone between the Templars and the Mages. One of the most hazardous skills a Templar possesses against us is their mana draining abilities." Solas explained. "Lyrium potions will help but you may need to defend yourself until you can drink one."

Aleksia eyed her staff with apprehension, "So you want me to defend myself with a stick?"

It was one of those rare times that Solas actually laughed. His head tilted back slightly and amusement crept into his eyes, "In a manner of speaking, yes. It can be surprisingly effective."

Aleksia shrugged in defeat, although there was a smile curling her lips upwards. "Ok. Let's do it then."

As she tried to mimic his hold on the staff he interrupted her, "Move your hands further apart like mine are. It's a balance, too close and you won't have enough control to move with speed. Too far apart and you lose the ability to strike or defend with force."

Aleksia shifted her hands so that they better matched the distance Solas had between his, "How's that?"

"Better. Now I want you to defend against my strikes by blocking with your staff. Are you ready?" He waited for Aleksia's response and upon receiving a nod in return he swung his staff up high and arched it down towards her head.

Aleksia reacted without hesitation, she raised her staff to connect with Solas', the resounding clunk of wood upon wood vibrated through her fingers. The force of the vibration took her by surprise for a moment but she managed to keep her grip on the wooden surface. As Solas swung his staff down low aiming for her side, she couldn't meet the incoming strike quickly enough. It moved straight under hers as she missed the connection and it landed directly against her hip bone. A mild pain traveled down her leg but it could have been a lot worse. Solas had already anticipated her miss and had slowed his attack somewhat so that when he connected there was no longer full force behind his strike.

He pulled his staff back and rested it down on the ground by his feet so he could look at her. "You need to make sure you keep your staff close when you are defending. If you move it away from your body to meet my strikes you have further to go to defend against the next one. I also have less distance to pull back to make the next strike. However if you wait and make me work for it, you can defend faster. You can also wear your opponent out faster this way. Let us try this again."

Solas started over with the same high attack as previously. This time Aleksia was more patient and blocked his strike a split second before it would have connected with her head. She was also prepared for the vibrations that traveled through her fingers as the two staffs connected again. He continued on to swing towards her side. Aleksia lowered her staff, gripping onto it firmly as she defended against his second strike. Their staffs connected with a louder clunk than the first.

He held his staff downwards against Aleksia’s and nodded towards them, "If you look now, one move downwards along the length of your staff and mine will go right over your fingers. If I was fighting with a sword as most Templar’s do rather than a staff I don’t have to tell you what the result of that could be. You need to move that hand up to your other one as soon as possible on a low strike, before you lose a few fingers. At the same time step backwards so you can buy enough time to regain your grip."  
  
She followed his instructions in slow motion at first and then they followed through with a re-enactment at full speed. Aleksia cursed under her breath as Solas’s staff ran right across the top of her knuckles after she failed to move her hand in time.  
  
"If that was a sword and not a staff your fingers would be gone by now. Do it again, and move them quickly." He instructed firmly.  
  
"I hope you are aware that until the rifts at the conclave I have never actually seen real combat beyond magic training at Ostwick." Aleksia’s voice held a tone of complaint.  
  
"That is exactly why you don’t have time for me to go easy on you now. The enemies out there…" he motioned out towards the mountains of Skyhold and beyond, "will not. I would rather you made it back from the Hinterlands whole." As he was speaking, Solas began again with the high, over the head swing towards Aleksia.  
  
She held her staff back and only connected with his at the last moment before quickly swinging downwards to defend her exposed side as Solas’s staff made another pass towards her. "Why? So I can close the breach? That’s what everyone wants me for isn’t it?"  
  
As he went to slide his staff down along the length of Aleksia’s her hand moved away and gripped the top. His own just narrowly missing her fingers. "There are many lives at stake if the breach is not sealed."  
  
Aleksia’s eyes narrowed in Solas’ direction. "Why should I care about all of those people who would rather I was dead anyway?" She had stepped backwards, allowing herself to regain her grip on the staff ready for Solas’ next move. As he swung downwards to make an attempt at hooking his staff behind her legs, Aleksia moved with a speed that surprised even herself as her staff connected with his. She then slid it along the length of Solas’ staff, right over the top of his knuckles. The anger that was behind her words fueled her actions. It drove her to not only defend herself but strike back. Only it wasn’t Solas she was really striking out at but everyone and everything that had been done to her in the past. "Are you just like the rest of them? Did you defend me because I am needed or because you wanted to?"  
  
She took a step forwards swinging her own staff sidewards at Solas. He easily defended against her sudden attack and then took her by surprise with another swing of his own. This time his staff did connect with the back of her legs. Aleksia’s knees buckled underneath the onslaught, sending her down to the snowy ground. Wasting no time at all, Solas moved in behind and grabbed her across the top of her chest and shoulders, holding her securely as his other hand with his staff held it up under her chin, pressing against her throat. On her knees and in Solas’s death grip there was nothing she could do to move.   
  
"Would you believe me even if I answered your question?" He replied with a question of his own.

"I… don’t know." She responded as her body started trembling against his.  
  
"I defended you because I believe you are worth defending. Not just to seal the breach but for everything that you can, and will accomplish afterwards." Solas’ voice lowered as he leaned in closer to her ear, "You just need to stop fighting those who are on your side."  
  
The trembling from Aleksia turned into the many unshed tears she had been holding back. They crept their way down her cheeks. Solas’ grip around her relaxed and he moved the staff away. His other arm joined the first one and went from holding her in position, to holding her for comfort as the tears fell. He pulled her back with him so that they were both sitting on the snow covered ground. It was at that moment as if the tears were something else she had lost control over, as hard as she tried to stop them she just couldn’t. They held all of the emotions she had been holding back since Lucas’ death. The pain of his loss, the pain of being tortured by those she had once considered friends and the more recent pain of being marred by a mark that had everyone relying on her.

  
As the tears continued to flow down her cheeks, Solas held her in silence. He asked no questions, he was simply there for her because that was what she needed. It was all the answer she really required for her question to know the truth. When she finally did manage to pull herself together again, at her request they went back to training.

That was how it continued for the following hours, with Solas striking and Aleksia defending. Regular pauses had been required to remind her to hold the staff closer and let his strikes come to her. Or to move her fingers out of the way before a sword could pass over the top of them. Pauses that increased in frequency as time moved onwards and Aleksia became more fatigued.

The muscles in her arms had started to feel as if they were weighted down by stone. Every movement had become an effort. Even in the cold mountain air a sheen of sweat made her black hair stick to her head in a matted mess. As she missed blocking yet another strike, Solas' staff connected with her upper leg. Aleksia let out a yelp, he had stopped going easy on her an hour or so earlier. She was certain she must have had bruises on her bruises, almost every part of her body was screaming for a break. She tossed her staff aside and purposely threw herself backwards into the soft snow.

"I yield." She said in defeat. One thing she was certain of was the fact that Solas had worked her hard. He had been unrelenting for hours and barely looked ruffled. Aleksia on the other hand laid her head back in the snow with her arms stretched out on either side and was wondering how she would even make it back to her cabin. She doubted the guards nearby would carry her no matter how nicely she asked them.

"I'll see you the same time tomorrow then." Solas said in response.

"You mean if I can even move tomorrow." Aleksia mumbled.

"Even if you can't. We have only three days for you to be ready to face the Hinterlands." He said firmly, it was clear he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Aleksia grumbled her response, "I'll be here."

~~~~~~~~

  
  
The next few days had been filled with more combat training with Solas, leaving Aleksia exhausted by nightfall. She thought that there had been some improvement but she doubted it was nearly enough to actually take on enemies without magic. She wasn’t even certain she could do it with magic. This Solas also agreed, to which Aleksia was grateful because the lack of combat ability wasn’t her only reason for not wanting to face Templar’s on the battlefield. She wasn’t entirely certain she was even ready for that. The last time in the training grounds she had frozen and then found herself back in her cabin with no memory of what transpired in between. If that were to happen on the field it could place her entire team in danger.  
  
As it turned out, they intended to try and keep her from those battles as best as they possibly could. She was to remain behind in the camp grounds and only go out in the field when a fade rift had been located. That was when she would join the fight. The guards following her had also become a constant in her life and at night one had even become something of a guardian angel. He had taken it upon himself to enter her cabin and be there when she awoke from the nightmares. He came now holding a steaming mug of herbal tea that he insisted would help her go back to sleep. She thought it was more likely the pleasant conversations they shared that eased the tension and helped her relax more than the tea did.  
  
They were easy conversations that stayed far away from the past. Instead they focused on hopes and dreams for the future. They also spoke of their likes and dislikes, Haven and the day to day activities that took place there. He even listened when she complained about aches and bruises after her training with Solas. He also shared with her many amusing stories of practical jokes the Inquisition's soldiers played on each other. She knew it was there way of easing the tension for the battles ahead. He too was fast becoming a friend whose company she enjoyed.  
  
Scouts had already been deployed across the Hinterlands, mapping out the best routes to take to reach the crossroads in the first day of the trip. All of the preparations had been completed and the team was to consist of herself, Varric, Cassandra and Solas. Some of the guards who had been assigned to watching Aleksia had also been assigned to the trek through the Hinterlands. They were to continue the rotation with a few changes required for those who were needed to remain behind in Haven for other duties. The only real disappointment from that, was the fact that the guard she had befriended would be remaining in Haven and another night time shift guard was to be assigned. At least that would give her a reason to see to it that the trip ran as smoothly as possible, for a fast return to Haven.


	8. Chapter 8

By the time they reached their destination the sun had just begun to set. White fluffy clouds took on pink and orange tinges, these joined with the already blue sky and all converged on the green glow of the breach. It looked as if someone had taken a child's painting, awash with splashes of painted colours and pinned it up where the sky should be.

The crossroads were alive with activity. Guards stood watch along the roads just outside of the village, tasked with keeping the civilians safe from any Templar and Mage activity. The civilians lined the roads inside the village, standing in small groups and conversing quietly. It was now overrun with far more people than the standing buildings had ever been intended to house. Tents that served as shelter and homes to many had been erected on any patch of ground open enough to place them. Inquisition banners had been positioned in key locations, indicating that the village and those that resided there were now under the protection of its army.

As they passed the groups of people, brusque fragments of conversations could be heard. The tone varied from one person to the next, however it was increasingly obvious that the Inquisition was not yet trusted. Predominantly the morale of the civilians was noticeably low which given the unfathomable circumstances that lead them all to the one place, it was probably to be expected. Homes had been lost and livelihoods destroyed, all by a war that was not even their own. Many loved ones had been killed or were still missing, those that remained feared for their own lives. Aleksia found herself wondering if there was anything she might be able to do that would help ease the pain and suffering of the survivors.

She had actually found the walk from Haven to the crossroads, out in the fresh air, to be surprisingly relaxing and the roads had been clear of any opposition for the entire day. Aleksia also found out that she actually didn't mind Cassandra's company. Underneath her stern exterior was a woman who, like many others, questioned her decisions to the point of being almost insecure about them. When Cassandra questioned her quick decision on declaring the Inquisition, Aleksia had found herself defending that choice. She could see no other options to try and bring back a sense of stability to the lands. As she walked through the crossroads to their camp, it was evermore obvious that people needed to believe in something to give them hope.

After traveling for the majority of the day, they erected their tents at the crossroads straight away, only just managing to make camp before nightfall. The evening was spent sitting around the campfire sharing stories. Mostly it was Cassandra and Varric who shared stories whilst Aleksia and Solas listened. Overall the mood was easy and relaxed amongst the team. Although for Aleksia it was still laced with some uncertainty and apprehension for what may come in the following days. They all retired early that night, tired after the many hours of walking.

~~~~~~~~

_Light flooded the cell as the door swung open, her eyes protested as they always did at the sudden onslaught of brightness in the dark. However Aleksia did not need her sight to know who it was entering the cell. She had been healed hours before which meant only one thing was to come with this visit; more pain at the hands of Mercen. It was almost always him, he was the more ruthless of the Templar’s and seemed to take pleasure in coming up with new ways to inflict pain. This time as he entered her cell he was carrying a flaming torch in one hand._  
  
_"I hope you had a restful day, because you are going to have a very long evening," his voice held a seductive tone. As if he thought she should actually enjoy whatever he inflicted upon her, just as he enjoyed inflicting it. "Now, unless you want your robes destroyed this evening. I recommend you remove them."_

_"What?" She blinked as she tried to force her eyes to adjust to the new lighting. She knew her voice was already shaking. Just the sound of his voice was enough to set her on edge. Nausea almost instantly assaulted her stomach the moment he spoke._

_"You heard me correctly, remove them. There will be no stick beatings, no whips, no boots to your ribs. Tonight you are going to burn." His head tilted back as an inauspicious laughter filled the room._  
  
_Her hands shook as she fumbled with the ties on her robes, all the while trying to remain as far away from Mercen as she possibly could. As far away as was possible in a small cell, even though it would be a futile effort in the long run. Finally the ties came lose and she slipped her robes off her shoulders, leaving them discarded on the floor by her feet. Cool air instantly raised goosebumps across her bare skin. The only thing that remained were her small clothes. She had no intention of even considering removing them._  
  
_"Turn around." Mercen instructed._  
  
_Aleksia knew better than to disobey his orders. It only ever served to anger him, which oftentimes lead to a sudden onslaught of pain rather than a slower build up. The slower build up was easier to tolerate, she could build up a resistance against the pain as it gradually increased. However this day it mattered not if she didn’t anger him as slow was not part of his agenda. She turned her back and placed her trembling hands against the wall. Heat rose against the small of her back almost instantly. She could picture the burning torch in his hand moving ever closer to her bare skin. Suddenly she was alight with a burning pain as flames licked her skin. Her nose was assaulted with the smell of burnt flesh right before agonising pain took her breath away._

Aleksia woke with a start, gasping for air. Her body was covered in sweat, the pain against her back was still fresh enough in her mind that she could _feel_ it. From beside her a kindly woman's voice spoke, one that had almost always came across as harsh and firm was now tender and concerned.

"It's okay, you must have been dreaming. You're in camp." The voice said.

Reality slowly began to return as Aleksia took in her surroundings. The canvas walls of the tent that held back some of the cooler night air came into focus. As did the bed rolls that they had placed on the ground for sleeping and the tie up bags that held only the essentials for travel now placed near the front flaps. She glanced over and focused on the set of eyes that were studying her intently, "Cassandra... I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"Do not be concerned about that. Are you okay? That must have been some nightmare." Cassandra was still laying on her bed with her head propped up on one arm.

"I'm .... fine." Her voice wavered. She had said that word so often since her arrival in Haven and at first she had almost believed it. It was becoming increasingly obvious to Aleksia that she was not as fine as she pretended to be.

"You're not a very convincing liar. Your reactions both times you have been incarcerated, and your dislike of templars. I had believed the Ostwick circle to be one of the more stable of them all, but watching you.. That was not the case was it?" Cassandra was ever the Seeker, always looking for answers to questions. Of course Aleksia could understand it, that was after all her job. This time however, it seemed more than that.

"It was, for a long time. At least I had thought so. There had been rumours of happenings in the other circles, none of which had ever seemed to be true of ours. Not that I knew of in any case. That was until the uprising in Kirkwall. Some of the mages started to grow restless and the templars methods to subdue them became more harsh. They also became more frequent, sometimes for smaller things that would have been overlooked before." Aleksia took her time as she spoke, putting a great deal of thought into her words.

"So Cullen had truly been right to question the order and what it was becoming. If even the most stable of the circles could fall it was a flawed system." A frown crossed Cassandra's features.

"Do you see now why your decision to declare the Inquisition when you did was the right one? The circles must not be allowed to rebuild as they were." This time Aleksia was the one studying Cassandra closely. Could she really have an ally in her? Someone who was outside of both the Templar's and the Circles but understood them. As a Seeker she also had a power of her own, a voice people would listen to, to effect change. If a Seeker of Truth could see the real truth behind the circles and the order, perhaps there might be a chance for the Inquisition to do better.

"Yes. I suppose there is some truth to that. So what of you and your experience within the circle, the nightmares, the reactions you had to being incarcerated. They had you in a cell before, didn't they?" As she asked her question, Cassandra's voice sounded sympathetic, it no longer held the tone of accusations as she had done after the incident at the conclave.

Aleksia breathed in sharply and looked away. Her voice was quiet when she finally responded, "Alright. Since you ask, yes I was in a cell during my time in the circle."

"And you were not treated favourably." Cassandra stated.

"I would have thought that was fairly obvious by now." Aleksia replied sarcastically. She hadn’t intended for her tone to be as harsh as it came out but she also figured by now it was no secret amongst them that she had not handled being in the cell. It certainly was no secret that she didn’t respond well to Cullen.

"You are right. I am sorry, I shouldn't pry. It really is not any of my business." The tone to Cassandra's voice had gone back to her softer, more concerned tone. She was clearly not without compassion no matter how she had come across in the beginning.

"No." Aleksia shifted her eyes back to look at Cassandra. "You're a Seeker, it is your job to learn the truth of any situation. You are also right about that, I was not treated favourably. They held me for two and a half seasons. It took them that long to decide my fate, most likely on purpose so that they could keep me locked away. During that time..." Aleksia's voice caught in the back of her throat. She hadn't realised just how hard it was to actually say the words.

"It's okay Aleksia. I think I can fill in the rest myself, or close enough. Was there anything that they didn't do during that time?" Cassandra asked softly.

"Just one thing, what the Templar the other night tried to do.." Her voice raised a little as a moment of panic hit her. "I swear I didn't know what he was until I saw the lyrium vial."

"There was lyrium? It's strange that Cullen never mentioned it." Another frown came across Cassandra's forehead, that time one that was laced with concern.

"It fell out of his pocket and landed on the floor when I pushed him off me. It should have still been there when I left." Aleksia replied.

"Cullen went back to your cabin later, after the body had been removed. He never mentioned seeing it." Cassandra responded.

"So now we have a missing vial of lyrium? The only people who would even benefit from that are mages or templar's." Aleksia was the one to frown now, what good would one vial of lyrium do anyone? It made no sense for it to be stolen. A single vial wouldn’t take any of them far.

"Leave it with me, I may have an idea of what happened to it. We also have a long day ahead of us and should try for more sleep." Cassandra had rested her head back down on to her bed and spoke with a weary voice.

"Goodnight Cassandra, and thank you." Aleksia said as she also laid her on head back. Although the dream had fully awaken her, there was wisdom in attempting more rest if she could manage it.

"Thank me for?" Cassandra asked with a voice that sounded as if she were ready to drift off to sleep at any moment.

"For believing me and not judging." Aleksia answered clearly.

"I think you just need someone to.. " with each spoken word, the gap between them had grown and her voice sounded heavier. Before Cassandra had finished speaking Aleksia heard a snore coming from her direction. It was something she had only ever read about people doing in stories and yet, there was Cassandra sound asleep in mid sentence.

~~~~~~~~

 

The following morning had been a rush of activity as Cassandra, Varric and Solas ran off to assist the guards on the main road between Skyhold and the Crossroads. Templar's had staged an assault and Cassandra had insisted that Aleksia remain behind. Despite her protests the Seeker had remained steadfast in her decision.

When Aleksia found herself pacing around the campfire hoping the others would be able to hold their own in the battle they faced, there really was only one thing left to do. She needed a distraction. With that in mind, she wandered around all of the camp sites and structures stopping at each in turn to speak with the occupants. She carried with her a binder, ink well and quill making note of everything that was needed to make lives easier. She wrote down each request the people had. Items that they needed but didn’t have access to any longer and even for some items that held sentimental value they wanted returned. She promised to do everything in her power to bring what she could. There had also been smaller tasks that she took care of on the spot, such as an elderly lady who had been unable to reach a book located on the highest shelf of her bookcase. By midday when she made her way back to the camp for refreshments she had three quarters of a page filled with requests.

Many of the requests required a decent amount of travel, items of interest that the group would need to acquire in their travels. One request however stood out as something that was more pressing of an issue. The fact that there were a lot of mouths to feed and not enough meat or food to go around. It was especially difficult with the mages and Templar's causing trouble for the hunters. However, Aleksia knew the templars were occupied with the attack on the crossroad’s front lines. That left only the mages to deal with in the immediate area, if any even still resided there. It did seem as good a time as any to make the attempt herself, and it would keep her busy. Surely hunting a few rams in the nearby woods couldn't be that difficult. Not for one who had magic on her side.

Right after she was done at the camp, she set off into the nearest forestry. The air was cool, but not nearly as cold as Skyhold. Snow covered only parts of the ground with tufts of green grass peeking through the white. It took her the better part of the afternoon just to locate one of the animals. She could see a Ram grazing on a small area of grass between two trees. As she stepped closer, her foot came down on a twig. In the quiet forest the crack as it broke underfoot echoed throughout the area. The ram looked up, startled by the sudden noise and as it's eyes rested on Aleksia they widened in fear. It ran at full speed in the opposite direction to where she had been standing. She cursed under her breath as she tried to make chase but quickly lost sight of the exceptionally fast beast. It wasn't until she slowed back to walking pace that she heard a sound coming from her left.

Turning in the direction of the sound she carefully approached, watching every step to be sure not to stand on anything that might alert the beast to her presence again. She moved up ever so slowly behind it until she was close enough to cast a spell. One hand raised as she focused in on the natural moisture in the ground below the beast's feet. She could _feel_ the droplets as she pulled them in towards each other, solidifying them together as she froze the ground under the Ram into a slippery mass of ice. The Ram bleated in protest as it's feet slipped out from under it. After it fell to the ground with a thud, Aleksia made a sudden dash forwards. She lept into the air intending to land on the fallen Ram. However the ice on the ground had all too quickly melted and the fast beast scrambled to it's feet. She landed with a thud of her own, right into the pool of slush that remained where the ice and Ram had been only a moment before.

"Andraste's ass! Just how quick are those things?" She cursed with a sigh as her robes soaked with freezing cold water and muddy snow. "Go hunting, it will be easy right? What in the makers name was I thinking?" She was still cursing to herself as she got back up to her feet. The ram had stopped not far away to eat some more fresh grass.

In an annoyed frustration, mixed with determination not to let it get away again, Aleksia's eyes narrowed as she watched it. Flames danced and grew on her fingertips as she summoned them. Opening her hand she could feel the heat against her palm as a fireball formed hovering in the air just above it. With a flick of her wrist she sent it hurtling across the empty space between herself and the beast. The fireball grew in size as it reached the Ram and engulfed it. Flames licked against its fur and the scent of burning flesh reached her nose. The Ram kicked and bucked in protest before falling to the ground silent, unmoving and burnt right down to the bone.

"Shit.." she exclaimed just as the sound of laughter came up behind her.

"I am pretty sure that is a little more cooked than most prefer their meat Shorty." Varric declared as he came to a stop beside her, his eyes looking in the direction of the very well barbequed Ram.

"You're calling _me_ shorty? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" Aleksia asked, her voice a mixture of amusement and frustration.

"Hey, I'll have you know I am quite tall for a dwarf. You on the other hand are rather short for a human," Varric responded with a chuckle. "You know I think you have actually managed to look like even more of a mess then the rest of us. Combined."

  
Aleksia glanced down at her robes to see them covered in wet mud and grass stains. That elicited another groan of annoyance from her. "One more word from you and I will burn you like that Ram."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyas!
> 
> Sorry for the delay in getting these chapters back up. I haven't been very well, I am still battling the flu and other things which is delaying just about everything!

The scent of fresh meat cooking on the spit over the fire drifted through the camp. Stars twinkled high in the clear skies as the crossroads residents were gathered around filling hungry stomachs. Some kind of amber liquid that Aleksia suspected was a form of ale was being passed around between soldiers, friends and even strangers. It must have been a fairly potent mix for the laughter of those consuming the beverage increased considerably after only a mug or two. The atmosphere had come a long way since the day before when all that had been seen were sad longing eyes or angry faces. Now there was laughter and jokes coming from relaxed looking people. The eyes of some still glistened with unshed tears, those Aleksia suspected had lost loved ones. Instead of standing alone in their sorrow they now stood together quietly conversing, sharing stories and memories of those they loved and now missed.

When the smell of the cooking meat had reached her nose, Aleksia's stomach growled a hungry protest. However as she looked at the carcass that was cooking over the fire, all she could think of where the beasts eyes as the life drained from them. The images still fresh in her mind where only moments before they had taken it’s life the Ram had been running free happily grazing in the field. It was one thing to know meat came from what was once a living animal, apparently it was another entirely to witness the act that took it's life before it ended up as dinner. A shiver curled it's way up her spine as she tightened her robes around her body.

"Are you feeling cold?" Solas' concerned voice spoke from beside her.

"Hmmm? Oh, no I'm fine. It was colder at Haven," she replied with the tone of someone who had been distracted by her own thoughts.

"On the way back to camp we got stopped by a few people, they wanted us to pass on their thanks to you. It would appear you managed to keep yourself busy in our absence and make a few friends in the process." Aleksia thought she could hear a hint of admiration in his voice, which she quickly shrugged off in her mind as an over active imagination. All she had done was talk to a few people, it wasn’t that much of a feat.

Aleksia shrugged her shoulders, so it turned out she had been right with what she had done but she thought her reasons at the time had been purely selfish. "I needed a distraction. There really was nothing more to it than that."

"Most people would take a walk or something similar to distract themselves. You on the other hand chose to help others, a very noble gesture and one I am certain they appreciate." Solas responded whilst taking in the faces around the camp.

Thinking about helping others only served to remind her of a past that was long gone. Hours spent in the circles helping her fellow mages and even sometimes a new templar who was still learning the ropes. She shifted from one foot to the other, "Can we perhaps talk about something else?"

"Of course. I apologise, I did not intend to make you uncomfortable," he turned to look at her, drawing his eyes away from those around the campfire. His expression appeared to be somewhat bewildered. She knew the conversation topic he had chosen wasn’t overly intrusive, at least it certainly wouldn’t have been intended that way.

Aleksia sighed softly, "No I am the one who should apologise. Sometimes it is just the realisation that nothing will ever be the same again but I should not remain lost in a past that will never be again."

"See now Shorty, that's how a Ram should be cooked." Varric interrupted as he stepped towards them waving his arms towards the camp fire.

Aleksia both groaned and laughed softly, "I am never going to live that down am I?" Truthfully she was grateful for Varric’s distraction.

"I think I will be telling the story of the fearless Ram hunter for some time to come," Varric agreed with humor in his eyes.

Aleksia placed an arm around his shoulder in a friendly gesture, long enough to steer him towards the fire. The hunger in her belly had won out over the images in her mind of the Ram dying. "How about we go and test that theory with a full platter of food for us all? After all you are only assuming they have done a better job with the cooking than I."  
  
They had all spent hours that night, talking, laughing and meeting new people. In the end they had all gone to bed probably far later than they should have done with a full days travel looming ahead. Cassandra was asleep before Aleksia had even finished changing. When she did finally crawl in under the blanket her mind had gone back to the friends she once had and the man she had once loved.  
  
_She let out a yelp of surprise as walking down the deserted corridor she suddenly felt a pair of arms about her waist. The fear in the surprise only lasted half a second before she realised who belonged to the familiar embrace. "Lucas, you are going to get us both caught one of these days," she chided, which lost a little of its intent as her lips curled upwards in a smile._  
  
_Lucas trailed kisses along the back of her neck as he pulled Aleksia against him, "I can’t help it if you are too irresistible."_  
  
_"Sweet talker. I bet you say that to all the girls," she murmured as she closed her eyes, the feel of his lips against the back of her neck sent tiny shockwaves across her skin._  
  
_"There’s only one I stalk through the abandoned corridors at night," he turned her gently around in his arms to run his fingers across her jawline._  
  
_Aleksia opened her eyes to meet his intense brown ones, "See now last night I thought you said you weren’t stalking me."_  
  
_"I guess that depends. Is it stalking when you fully intend to grab someone, hold them close and kiss them until they can barely breath?" He asked with a husky voice only just barely above a whisper as his lips moved closer._  
  
_Aleksia shifted a little, suddenly uncomfortable as memories from the night before flooded her mind. The problem was, he never remembered when Rage took over and she hadn’t told Lucas what had actually happened._  
  
_As she turned her head away, Lucas cupped her cheeks and turned her back to face him, "What did happen last night? Aleksia if I hurt you…"_  
  
_"Only a little. When we were kissing, Rage took control and pushed me away. He told me to stay away from you," she trembled a little at just how forceful Rage’s words had been. Not physically so, but the hate in his eyes when Rage had taken over was immeasurable._

 _Lucas sighed as his arms dropped away from around her, "It’s happening all the time now. Every time we try to… get close. Isn’t it?" He looked at Aleksia for confirmation of what took place during the times his mind held nothing but blank spaces._  
  
_"Yes.." she whispered in response to the question. "I am so sorry Lucas. I want to be there for you, I am not going to abandon you but maybe… maybe we should hold back from anything more intimate for now."_  
  
_"Forever you mean? He isn’t just going to go away." Lucas said with anger in his voice._  
  
_"You don’t know that. I doubt anyone here has read even half of the texts in that library to know what secrets they hold. There might be a way to cure possession that we just don’t know about." Aleksia took a step forward and reached up a hand towards his cheek, as she did Lucas took a step backwards. He moved out of her reach. "Lucas.."_  
  
_"Don’t. Just don’t. I can’t risk hurting you. I can barely even touch you without Rage now and we are never going to find a cure. I don’t need any sense of false hope." He took another couple of steps backwards and looked as if he was just about to turn and leave._  
  
_"So, just stay and talk then like we used to. I am not going to give up." Aleksia was almost trembling. He needed her, she was the only one who knew about Rage. Someone always needed to reach through past Rage to bring Lucas back to the surface when he took over._  
  
_"Not tonight," he responded as he finally did turn and walk down the corridor._  
  
_Aleksia wanted to call out to him, to get him to turn around and come back but to do so would have woken the others. They weren’t even supposed to be walking the corridors that late at night. All she could do was stand and watch him walk away._

~~~~~~~~

She reached out a hand to pull the shrub aside, her blue-grey eyes intense with concentration as she peered out into the clearing. "Shades," she whispered to the others knowing they were crouched down low just as she was behind the shrubs. "I see four of them. There doesn't seem to be any fear demons this time." _At least not yet._

The green glow on her hand was almost blindingly bright with the close proximity to the fade rift. It felt as if the mark were pulling or tugging her towards the rift.

"Well, Bianca's ready when you are." Varric whispered back. Both Cassandra and Solas also whispered their own state of readiness. With a small nod from Aleksia, they all burst forwards from behind the shrubs.

She reached her hand to her back and clasped her fingers around her staff, pulling it free from its bindings. With a hard tap on the ground a bolt of ice shot forth from the very top and landed directly against the midsection of a Shade. The attack instantly caught its attention causing it to turn on her. As the Shade moved closer Aleksia shivered involuntarily, not only did they look dark and ominous but they felt it as well. It was like there was an aura oozing outwards from them, something that was cold and inhuman.

She felt a build up of magical power shimmer around her and realised that Solas must have cast a protective barrier. Out of her peripheral vision she could also see Varric aiming his bow. As the Shade closed in on her it swiped a clawed looking hand outwards. If Aleksia had not turned at the right moment it would have connected with her chest, instead she felt the barrier press inwards against her arm as it blocked the clawed hand from cutting into her skin.

An arrow embedded itself into the the Shades torso causing it to stagger only momentarily before regrouping and changing its focused target. As it started moving towards Varric it bought Aleksia some much needed time, she slammed her staff down on the ground and shot out another ice bolt. At the same time her mana gathered and gained power right before she flung a fireball at the offending creature. It writhered in pain as it burned and then vanished in a puff of shadowy smoke.

She turned her attention to the rest of the battlefield just in time to see two more of the Shades vanish as Solas and Cassandra finished them off. They then quickly focused in the remaining shade as Aleksia turned her attention towards the rift. The build up of power in her right hand as she pointed it at the rift opening was almost staggering. The effulgent green glow amplified and channelled out from her palm directly to the centre of the opening. The beam tugged at the sides drawing them ever closer together before it finally collapsed in on itself with the booming sound of an explosion.

"Is everyone alright?" Aleksia asked with a breathless voice.

"We are all fine." Cassandra responded as she sheathed her sword by her side. "We should get moving, if there are any templars nearby they would surely have heard that."

"Agreed," said Solas who was not so quick to put his own weapon away. He still held the staff in his hand.

"Wait." Aleksia said quickly, "look over there." She pointed in the direction of a line of trees, coming out from behind them was what looked to be a cloud of smoke growing and rising up towards the sky.

"The area is too damp for a bushfire. Perhaps we should go around the long way." Frown lines appeared on Cassandra's forehead as she watched the smoke pouring out from behind the trees.

"I had some time yesterday to look closely over the scouts maps." Aleksia continued," I am sure they had a cabin marked in that area. What if someone needs help? We can't just ignore it." There was far more smoke than a simple campfire or fireplace that much was obvious.

"And if we walk right into the middle of a Templar battleground?" Cassandra responded with an apprehensive tone.

"That's a risk we have to take," she didn't even wait for the others to respond before she started walking quickly in the direction of the smoke. She was quite simply not going to take no for an answer all but forcing the others to follow her. She knew they would not leave her behind when they needed the mark she possessed.

As they drew closer to the line of trees Aleksia could see the orange glow of flames. The smell of burning wood filled her nose and almost took her breath away, "I was right. It is the cabin that is burning."

As she glanced over at Solas she could see a look of concern cross his face. She wondered if they shared the same thoughts. It could just as easily be the waring templars or mages who caused the fire and they could be walking right into them. Aleksia also knew she couldn't just turn away in case someone was in need of help.

The smoke on the tree side of the cabin was so thick that they had been forced to go around to the far side. Flames rose high, right up to the cabin's roof and the heat from them could be felt even from a distance. As she studied the damage she couldn't help the sense of foreboding that rose from the pit of her stomach. The fire engulfing the cabin looked purposely lit from the outside. As the breeze shifted direction her stomach clenched tight. With the breeze came a distinct smell of burning flesh taunting her nostrils.

Suddenly footsteps and voices could be heard above the crackling sounds of burning wood. Armored boots traversed the ground along with the sounds of swords being unsheathed and armor clinking as the assailants moved into view.

  
_Templars._


	10. Chapter 10

Every muscle in her body suddenly felt as if they had been weighed down as her eyes were greeted with the all too familiar sight of Templar armor. To Aleksia what was once a symbol of safety and protection was now the foreboding sight of pain and anguish. Her heartbeat fluttered and thrummed uncontrollably as the muscles in her chest and stomach clenched fiercely, sucking the air right out of her. From beside her she was barely aware of her companions movement as they snapped into action. What was most likely Solas' hands tugged at her shoulders to move her backwards before taking a protective stance in front.

Aleksia's mind screamed at her to move, to join in the fight and cut those templar bastards down. It was body that refused to cooperate and her eyes were glued to the Templar symbol on the armor of the closest enemy. It wasn't until the Templar turned to the side, causing the symbol to move out of view that reality began to fight its way back to her. At first the scene before her seemed chaotic, swords, spells and arrows flying everywhere. As the fog lifted it all became clearer.

Cassandra had two of the Templars slightly off to one side and appeared to be holding her own. Varric was firing shots from his arrow only a short distance away to get the attention of a third Templar who had been about to join the fray with Cassandra. His shots successfully deflected the third and drew its attention away. Solas had one Templar stunned and was preparing to cast again. That was when Aleksia noticed another sneaking up behind him. Just as the Templar was about to raise his sword, she reacted. An electrical charge shot forth from her fingertips hitting the Templar’s armor directly on the back plate. The charge reacted with the armors metals spreading out from the central point to encase the entire suit before it dissipated, shocking the body of the person inside.

Having heard the gasp from the surprised Templar, Solas looked behind seeing the enemy who had only moments before been attempting to sneak up on him. He then glanced over at Aleksia giving her a short nod. Before she could nod back in response he was already moving towards his original target and away from the one that was trying to attack him from behind. The shocked Templar was also regaining his senses and turned his attention away from Solas towards her instead. An unshakable sensation of anger and hatred burned from deep inside as she looked into the Templar's eyes, the only part of him that was visible behind the full suit of armor. Holding her staff in both hands she swung it three times in quick succession, with each swing a bolt of ice released from the white globe attached to the top. The first two bolts hit the templars armor causing only minor damage as he closed the gap between them with a sword raised ready to strike. The third hit with precision, right against the armoured hand that was holding the sword. His hand shook, most likely from the freezing cold strike, struggling to keep hold of the weapon. However those tightly clasped fingers remained locked around the sword's hilt.

The magic from within Aleksia was rapidly gaining strength, demanding to be released. She slammed her staff down to the ground, letting go of one more bolt of ice. The Templar shifted, causing the bolt to only narrowly miss his arm. Just as she was preparing to cast, her power started weakening. An all too familiar dragging sensation washed over her so that all she could manage to summon in place of what should have been a large fireball were a few flames dancing across her fingertips. She struggled against the terror of her inner demons to keep focused against the fog that threatened. As the templars sword came bearing down on her position she moved just a split second too late. A cold metal blade pierced through the flimsy material of her robes, cutting into the skin and flesh of her upper right arm. She made no sound as she bit back against the sudden onslaught of pain. A gurgling sound came from the Templar a split second after, the sound of blood traveling through airways and into his mouth as a sword from behind cut right between the platings of his armor. As his body fell forwards, staining the white snow crimson, Cassandra was standing behind with a concerned look on her face.

"Are you alright?" She asked as she stepped around the Templar's body to inspect the injury on Aleksia's arm.

With too much adrenaline still coursing through her veins, Aleksia shrugged her off. "I've had worse," she responded whilst heading straight for the door of the burning cabin. As she reached for the door handle the heat was already hurting her hand before it even connected with the metal. She pulled her hand back quickly and then kicked out at the door with her foot. As it busted inwards, falling off damaged hinges, a sudden burst of heat and flames burst through the opening. Aleksia quickly shielded her face and eyes with her arms, she could feel the heat against her skin but nothing seemed to be burning. The sudden burst vanished as quickly as it arrived, after which she raised her head to peer inside.

The floor was littered with bodies in various condition, most of them burnt beyond recognition. On some she could make out the smouldering mage robes and on others a staff that still had flames burning through the wood. Nausea rose in her stomach rapidly as she took a few steps backwards.

"Apostates. They locked themselves in here for safety and the Templars set it on fire," Cassandra said, her voice filled with what sounded like sorrow and anger. "They never stood a chance."

Aleksia's stomach lurched and clenched, she could taste the bile in the back of her throat and knew this time there would be no holding it back. She turned and ran for the closest tree placing her hand on the base to hold herself upright as the contents of her stomach spilled onto the ground.

"You okay shorty?" Varric asked as he made his way over to her.

"Those people.." she gasped. "Bloody Templars."

"Not the nicest of sights to see. That would be enough to turn anyones stomach. It's not all the Templars though, sometimes it’s hard to remember that," Varric continued. "I can tell you tales of mages equally as disturbing. Also of those who don't belong to either group. There is good and bad all over and some of us who are forced to be witnesses, or victims or both."

After taking a few deep breaths to calm the rising nausea in her stomach, Aleksia stood up straight to look at Varric. "How do you deal with it? I mean you were there in Kirkwall and now you choose to stay with the Inquisition even knowing what you know."

"In Kirkwall, Hawke needed the help. Here you need it." Was all the answer Varric gave before he turned back towards the others.

"Varric.." Aleksia called after him and waited until he paused and turned his head. "Thank you."

~~~~~~~~

After it had been determined no survivors existed within the cabin a search of the Templar's bodies revealed a letter and a small map leading right to the main encampment. The following day, Aleksia's thoughts had been consumed by them as they prepared to take the encampment head on. She seethed with malicious fury over what had been done to the apostates. Over what had been done to her and every other mage who had ever been a victim at the hands of those who had been sworn to protect them. Part of her knew it was wrong to blame every Templar for the actions of some. That part was silenced by the hatred that burned inside.

She spoke very little to her companions other than to make it clear she would not be sitting idle in camp. The remainder of her time was spent running over thoughts in her mind of how she would make every Templar she encountered suffer a painful death by her hands. She was done being the victim. She was tired of fearing every shadow that cast over her head. The next day they would fight and she would be the one to walk away from it while the Templars burned.

And burn they did. She fought alongside Cassandra, Varric and Solas as they removed every Templar from the camp. Aleksia was more focused than she ever had been as she brought destruction by fire down on the Templars. Spell after spell. Lyrium potions were downed and Templars burned. As they writhered in pain with flesh bubbling and blistering, begging for their very lives she had felt nothing. No satisfaction was to be found with their deaths, no sense of remorse or regret either. Just an empty hole where her feelings should have been.

The remainder of the time spent in the Hinterlands was a flurry of activity with time for little else other than rest and meals in between. A message had been received from Leliana which lead them to the location of a Grey Warden. Her letter had shown concern over the rest of the Grey Wardens disappearing which had apparently taken place at the same time as the attack on the conclave. Leliana was concerned that there might have been a connection between the two. As it turned out, Warden Blackwall knew nothing of the missing Wardens and had shown an interest in joining them to find out. Their team of four, became a team of five.  
  
Aleksia also remembered her promise to the crossroads residences and fulfilled each of their requests in turn. The location of the mages encampment had also been discovered and whilst she had intended to open a dialogue with them, the mages allowed no option for that. As the Templars had done, they attacked on sight forcing the team to retaliate in kind. The destruction of her own people was entirely different then the attack on the Templars. With the death of each mage, a small part of Aleksia went with them. It felt all wrong to be fighting against those who she once held in high esteem. In a way, she was just like them, desperately fighting against a world that hated everything mages stood for. Lost and alone, without what was once the support of the circles allowing them to live and practice in peace. It seemed an impossible task for the Inquisition to even be able to begin fixing that.  
  
It had been close to three weeks by the time they arrived back in Haven. Horses had been secured for the Inquisition with the Horse Master also agreeing to join with them to care for and train the mounts. Other agents also joined with the Inquisition, those whom Aleksia hadn’t requested remain behind to assist with the refugee’s. With the destruction of both the Templar and Mage camps, travel throughout the Hinterlands had become safer again allowing travelers to move more freely along the roads. The use of her title The Herald, or The Herald of Andraste for those who wished to say it in full, had traveled to the Crossroads. Although she still cringed inwardly each time someone used it she couldn’t help but notice the look of hope in the eyes of those who addressed her. They needed someone to believe in, she just wished that it had been someone else.

Word of the Inquisition had begun to spread rapidly, that on it's own would have suited Aleksia just fine. Nevertheless along with word of the Inquisition had also been word of The Herald, so when the invitation came through from Val Royeaux her presence had also been requested specifically. They had only one day back at Haven to clean up, rest and then leave again. During that time her guards were still assigned to following her every movement.  
  
The trip back to Haven had been long and exhausting. Somehow Josephine had managed to secure a tub and had it filled with steaming hot water, that was what awaited Aleksia when she returned to her cabin. She wasted no time in stripping off her blood soaked, dirt stained robes and slipping into the enticing water. The agreeable mix of both heat and pleasantly scented floral aromas soothed her aching muscles as she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. It was the first time she remembered ever being able to completely immerse herself in steaming water and the effect was almost intoxicating. She didn't immerge again until the water had gone icey cold and her body had begun shivering. That was one luxury she would gladly indulge in again.

It was much later when she heard a light tap on the door to her cabin, just after she had awoken covered in sweat with her black hair sticking to her head. She mumbled a sleepy, "Come in," that was so softly spoken she wondered how he had even heard her from the other side of the closed door. Her evening guard entered with a steaming hot mug of herbal tea which he sat down on the table in front of her. Just as before, he made no mention of the state she was in from the nightmares that plagued her sleep.

"How was your trip?" He asked as he took up a place near the cabin door.

"It had it's moments," she answered as she closed her fingers around the warm mug to sip at the contents. "How was Haven?"

"The same as always. You didn't miss much. I bet you also didn't miss the meetings, I heard they dragged you into one almost the moment you returned." His eyes watched her from behind the armor, it wasn't the first time Aleksia wondered what he actually looked like under there. All she knew of him was a name, Drake, and a set of very friendly tentative looking dark hazel eyes. She wondered if they would even be lighter if it weren't for the helmet shading them. She realised after a moment that she had actually been staring and turned her attention back to the mug of tea.

"We are leaving again the day after tomorrow for Val Royeaux," she wrinkled her nose in distaste, this trip would simply be yet another meeting. "The enchanters specifically asked for The Herald of Andraste."

"You don't think much of that title do you?" He asked quietly.

"I guess it might help if I could actually remember what happened, but no. Stories have a way of getting out of hand all too quickly." She raised her mug to her lips for another sip of the steaming liquid.

"I can't argue with you there. I think we have all been a victim of the exaggerated tale at one time or another." So far during their conversations Drake had given little of himself away. Aleksia figured it was probably part of the job description, keeping a distance from those he was supposed to be guarding. She couldn't help but feel he had already broken some of that distance the first night and if she admitted it to herself she was tempted to have him pull down that barrier even further.

"So just what secrets are hiding in Drakes closet I wonder?" It was as much a question as it was a thought that had been spoken out loud. Even so she could stop the playful grin that curled up the corners of her lips.

There was a spark of life in his eyes as she imagined a smile behind that armor, but also something darker that was hidden, almost even sad. It surprised her how much one could pick up from someones eyes when that was all you could see of them. "Ahh now that would be telling wouldn't it?"

"Not even one little secret?" She pushed gently, a tone of curiosity both in her voice and the expression on her face.

"Alright.. I give in. There was a charge once, I was assigned to her protection. Somehow over time I began to develop feelings for her, it never went anywhere. I wouldn't allow it. Sometimes I still find myself regretting that decision." As Drake spoke, his eyes never once left Aleksia's. It was almost as if he was trying to unravel all of her layers whilst he removed one of his own.

She felt a very definite flutter in her chest, there was just something about him that had her wanting to see what was under that armor. "And now?" Her voice was low, almost seductive as her eyes bore into his.

They remained looking at each other, in his eyes Aleksia could see he was struggling within himself for a response. Before he could give one there was a knock on the cabin door and a voice from the other side.

"Our shift change is here. Time to knock off for the night."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little update!
> 
> Expect that I will push through the rest of the chapters up to 19 over the next few days because... the newest chapter is almost ready for posting! I am in the process of writing it now :)

As he noticed Cassandra was approaching Cullen motioned for one of his men to take over the training for him. Going by the frown lines that wrinkled her forehead, whatever it was that had her headed his way was not good news. He had the uneasy feeling he knew what she was going to ask him about. His long strides closed the gap between them faster and had the added benefit of them being far enough away from the trainees that they could speak in private.

"Cassandra, is there something wrong?" He asked, the sinking feeling he had sunk even further into the pit of his stomach.

"I was hoping you might be able to answer that question." The frown left her expression and a look of concern appeared in it’s place, "I don't suppose you happen to know anything about a vial of lyrium? It was with the body of the Templar in the Herald's cabin and now it seems to be missing."

Cullen broke eye contact with Cassandra by looking over towards the training grounds. He knew it had been a moment of weakness on his part. The vial of Lyrium that had been laying on the floor beside the body. At the time it had been so tempting that he had picked it up without even really thinking it through. "I didn't take it. I mean, I took the vial it's in my tent, but I didn't use it."

"I know you don't want anyone else aware of your intentions towards giving up lyrium. You are making that difficult when I have the Herald questioning why no one had mentioned the vial being found." Her tone of voice had taken on the more firm tone of The Seeker that she was, over the concern she had shown before. He knew she was both a friend and a colleague who believed in the Inquisition. He knew that she would do whatever was necessary for it to succeed should he put that in jeopardy. It was why he had gone to her in the first place, if he failed in his duties as the Commander of the Inquisitions Armies or looked as if he was going to Cassandra would do what was necessary to protect it.

"I apologise, I really did not intend to put you in this position. I was... tempted to just take that one vial. With the discovery of the body of my recruit, the headaches and the Heralds continued hostility, it was a bad day. It wont happen again." Sometimes the desire to feel in control of his Templar powers and of himself was so overwhelming that he could almost taste the lyrium without having even touched it. At the same time he also knew that to be a weakness that he couldn't allow himself to give in to. It was when the addiction to the substance ran highest that it tugged and pulled at him. It tempted him with everything it had including the memories of how it felt on his tongue. How sweet and refreshing it tasted when he opened the lid and swallowed the contents. How clear and in control he felt once it took hold. However the real strength, the real control was in resisting the temptation.

"How are the headaches?" The concern of a friend crept it's way back into Cassandra’s expression.

"Getting worse I think. We have all been busy of late, especially since the declaration." He answered.

"I won't say anything to the Herald. Perhaps she will just forget in time or think that it is gone for good," Cassandra didn't seem to be as convinced as her words tried to imply. "Next time you are feeling tempted like that, come and talk to me. That's what I am here for. It is still your choice, if you do decide to take it again we have supplies."

Cullen let out a long sigh, as genuine as her offer was he normally preferred to work through things on his own. He had only confided in her so that someone would keep an eye on his work productivity. He really didn't want to start taking the lyrium again unless he could not perform his duties without it. He also really didn’t wish to discuss just how bad the withdrawal symptoms became at times with anyone, "So long as you keep your end of the agreement we have, I will be fine. Thank you."

Cassandra nodded and looked at him for a moment longer before she continued on her way over to her usual training spot.

Cullen found himself left with his own thoughts, mention of Aleksia reminded him of something else that had been troubling him. Originally he had taken on the extra guard duty because he did not trust her. He felt that a templar who could dispel magic should be there on guard if it was ever required. Not knowing how she would have reacted to another templar should she ever find out he hadn’t been prepared to risk someone else's life. For that reason he had taken on the task himself. He knew his voice would have been too easily recognised by her so he had accented it on purpose. Only because on the night of the storm communication had been required. Until then he had intended to simply guard quietly without word. It was the early evening shift he had taken on. It still gave him time for sleeping, at least as much as he ever normally slept and time to attend his other duties throughout the day.

In guard of Aleksia during and after the storm was also when he had realised something else. As an armored unknown guard and not the Ex Templar, she spoke more freely with him. In fact, her company had even been enjoyable. Behind those walls she erected whenever he was Cullen the ex-templar, was an easy going friendly soul whose diplomacy skills could even give Josephine pause. An entirely different personality had emerged in her that he had not seen, one that he found himself looking forward to spending time with.  
  
He knew now that she was no real threat to anyone, at least no more so than any other mage. However with the attention she had been gaining as the Herald he kept the guards in place now more for her protection than for any other reason. Although he could assign someone else to his shift, because a normal non-templar guard would suffice, he hadn't been able to bring himself to do it. It would mean giving up those late evening conversations that he had begun to look forward to.

It was wrong and even deceptive to keep up the facade now. He knew he should just walk away but there was also a sense of excitement in the risk of being caught. Even more so after their last conversation that was saved by the knock on her door, she was like one of those lyrium vials tugging at him and pulling him in a direction he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to go in. He had managed to resist the pull of the lyrium, he was having more difficulty in resisting her. It wasn’t like he always did the right thing… What harm could a few more conversations do?

~~~~~~~~

The one full day back at Haven had really been anything but restful for Aleksia. The morning had been spent in Josephine's office going over the details of noteworthy dignitaries who insisted on meeting The Herald of Andraste. It seemed like no matter what she tried to do to shake the title, it became more determined to stick to her and the Inquisition. So she played nice and went along with it, shaking hands, smiling where it was appropriate and listening to whatever requests happened her way. At least through it all they had managed to make a few agreements that she felt would aide the Inquisition in the long term. When the conversation with Josephine shifted to mention of her own family however, Aleksia remained steadfast in her choice to have nothing to do with them.

In the end it had been a morning of one meeting after another. In some ways it was more exhausting than spending the day walking over mountainous terrain. By the afternoon she was glad for the break and had been looking forward to the small training session Solas had insisted on. When she arrived at the clearing, Solas was no where to be seen. Normally he was the one to be waiting on her because she was always late. Aleksia found a flat rock to sit down on and wait. Just watching the trees gently swaying held its own fascination for her, little things that so many took for granted that, until Haven she could have counted on one hand the times she had been able to experience it for herself. The fresh air, sunshine and trees held her attention well enough that she had not even noticed the passage of time until the sky had taken on the shades of the setting sun. It became clear by then that Solas wasn't coming. Given that she had only known him to be punctual, that he had missed their training session entirely gave her cause for concern.

On her way back through the Haven gates she had decided to try Solas' cabin first. She had received no answer from inside when she had tried knocking several times and the door was locked. She also stopped each person she passed to see if anyone knew where he was. Those who had seen him that day gave only the same response, that they last saw him in the morning and hadn't seen him since. No one had. By then her concern was growing evermore stronger, it was almost as if he had vanished. She was also sure by then her guards must have been tired of trying to keep up with her dashing around Haven. On the way back to the Chantry, Varric was in his usual place by the fire outside his tent.

"Varric, I need you, " she called over to him on the way past.

"Don't people normally try dating first before using lines like that?" Varric asked as he fell into step beside her.

Aleksia smirked, "Well we did go on a three week camping trip together. Doesn't that count?"

"Sure, if you enjoy dates that have you up to your knees in demon spawn and blood why not?" His expression changed to one a little more serious, at least as serious as Varric usually got, "So where's the fire?"

"Solas is missing, I think. I'm heading over to talk to Cassandra now but I may need you to pick the lock on his cabin door." Aleksia pushed open the large Chantry doors hoping Cassandra would still be there with both Leliana and Josephine. Although the old hinges creaked in protest, the large doors themselves opened with ease.

"That figures. Leave the dwarf to be the one the scary mage gets angry with when he finds his room has been tampered with." Varric said as he pulled a face at the thought.

"I'm sure he will make it quick and relatively painless." Aleksia responded with an amused tone. She could always count on Varric to ease the tension of any situation.

As they reached the war room doors Aleksia could hear voices from inside. It appeared that she had been correct in her assumption as all three advisors were still engaged in a somewhat heated debate over the finer details of diplomacy. After a brief conversation with them it turned out that for once they were each in agreement. Looking over Solas' cabin was the best place to start in locating him.

Cassandra joined Varric and Aleksia and all three stood at the door as Varric manipulated the lock until it gave in. It had taken long enough that Cassandra had almost been ready to kick the wooden door off its hinges. Just as she was demanding Varric move so that she could kick it in, the lock clicked into place and the door partially opened.

"I'll go in and have a look around." Aleksia said. She knew Solas to be a private person, it was unlikely he would want everyone traipsing around in his cabin.

"Just yell if you need anything Shorty." Varric responded.

"Perhaps one of us should go in with you," that recommendation came from Cassandra who looked a little concerned.

"It will be fine, as Varric said I can always yell for help." Without waiting for any more protests Aleksia stepped inside the cabin.

With the sun outside fast disappearing over the horizon, the cabin was basked in darkness. Thinking back to the night she had come to Solas after the attack, she managed to locate a candle and light it without tripping over anything. It did help that Solas was a tidy person. With the candle lit it took only a moment for Aleksia's eyes to adjust. Everything in the cabin seemed to be in the same place as it had been the last time she was there. However, on the bed just around the other side of the jutting wall was Solas' form.

She moved to the side of the bed and spoke his name softly. There was no movement at all other than the steady rise and fall of his chest, by all appearances he was sleeping and yet her earlier loud knocks had not woken him.

_The fade._

That was the only explanation. He wasn't simply asleep or in a normal dream state, he must have purposely entered the fade. Aleksia frowned with concern, he had mentioned the fade a few times but her own experience's had been limited and anything but pleasant.

After going back outside to inform Cassandra and Varric of her findings, she opted for remaining with Solas until he woke. She knew the dangers of the fade all too well. When mages returned, they didn't always return alone. Just as Lucas had not. She couldn't leave him to wake up by himself just in case something went wrong.

Aleksia pulled a chair over beside Solas' bed. For hours the only sound in the cabin was the sound of his even breaths as he continued to sleep. It reminded her of the time she had sat by Lucas whilst he entered the fade. His dreams leading up to that day had been plagued by a demon, in the end he had decided to go into the fade and confront the demon. His intent had been to destroy it but the demon had been too strong. It had forced its way into his mind and it took Aleksia the better part of two hours to calm him after he woke. It was most assuredly not an experience she wanted to relive.

By the time Solas stirred and his eyes fluttered open, the candle had almost burned away. He blinked a few times before focusing on Aleksia and then quickly sat up on the bed with surprise registering in his expression.

"Aleksia.. How long was I..." his eyes rested on the candle. "It's dark. I missed our training. I apologise, I did not intend to be in the fade for so long."

"It's fine, really. I was just concerned when you didn't show up. I thought perhaps something was wrong." She knew her concern must have been showing, she had never really been very good at hiding her emotions from others.

"In the fade time can be difficult to measure sometimes." He explained apologetically.

"Just how often do you enter the fade? Aren't you concerned about possession?" Being a mage and seeing what it had done to Lucas. What he may have been capable of doing to those he cared about when rage took over. It was certainly one of her biggest fears.

"The spirits of the fade are less concerning the more you understand them. Even the corrupted spirits. I do not fear them." He responded with confidence. There was even awe in his expression when he spoke of the fade.

"I wish I could say the same.." she paused for a moment as she considered her words. "I had a friend in the circle... No he was more than a friend. Someone I cared about a great deal. He came to be possessed by a demon of rage. I helped him for almost a year to keep it hidden from the others. Whenever the rage emerged he was... very different."

"I imagine that would have been a difficult time for both of you. Do you mind me asking what happened to him?" Solas asked. Although Aleksia suspected he had already guessed the answer.

"Eventually the templars found out. He was killed. The stupid part was the fact that he lost control and rage emerged because he was trying to protect me." The tears that she had expected to show themselves didn't, instead bitterness snuck its way into her mind and voice.

"Is that how they got you as well?" He asked carefully. Aleksia probably should have been surprised that he was asking questions now when he had avoided asking them previously. However she wasn't. She was ready to talk with him and she suspected he knew that too.

"Yes, mostly. When they killed him.. I was already reaching Lucas past rage but they didn't care. I was so angry at the time, even furious." Just talking about it bought some of that anger back to the surface and into her voice. She stopped long enough to take in a deep calming breath, "I lashed out and as a result one of the templars lost his life. They placed me in a solitary cell."

"I am sure anyone would have reacted the same way in your position." His tone was sympathetic.

"We spent hours in the libraries researching everything in the hope of a cure. Every chance we got. Who knows? Maybe it is true that no cure exists other than death." Aleksia shook her head slightly. At the time she had wanted so badly to find the cure, to believe that there was one to be found.

"Perhaps you weren't looking in the right places." He said quietly, "The answer could be in immunity before possession takes over. Immunity to demon possession could be in the fade and understanding the spirits. As an example I believe you have a better understanding of them than you think you do. I believe it would be exceptionally difficult for a demon to even try possessing you."

"I don't think that is a theory I wish to test anytime soon," Aleksia said quickly, amusement creeping into her voice.

Solas chuckled, "I guess under the circumstances I can understand that."

She stretched her legs out infront of her and then stood up from the chair she had been sitting on for hours. "I really should get some sleep. We are leaving for Val Royeaux in a few hours."


	12. Chapter 12

The trip to Val Royeaux had taken a little over two weeks. The mountain terrain had been difficult on both the horses and the riders. By the time they arrived back in Haven the team, Aleksia included were all exhausted. As she trudged her way towards her cabin, Blackwall fell into step beside her.

"Are you okay?" He asked a little warily. Aleksia had barely spoken to any of them during the journey back.

"I'm fine. Just tired, as I imagine we all are." She responded, tension resounded throughout her body. She was more angry with herself then she was with the rest of the team. Her behaviour and the intensity behind what had caused her actions in the first place was starting to wear on her.

"I haven't been able to find the right time to say this but, I am sorry for helping to hold you back. We all should have just let you go. Those bastards would have deserved anything they got." The tone of Blackwall's voice was difficult for Aleksia to ascertain but she thought there was a hint of anger behind his words.

"I am not even certain who was at fault." She responded truthfully, "The templars or the enchanters for inviting them there in the first place. What were they thinking? What did they expect to happen?" The situation in Val Royeaux had been maddeningly frustrating. Cassandra, Blackwall and Varric had all needed to hold her back when the templars stormed onto the scene. Aleksia was so livid that she would have been willing to walk head on into them, with all spells ablaze. The result would most likely have been devastating for all, including the civilians in the crowd.

"I don't know, but the templars still earned a good ass kicking. We should have let you at them and helped," he responded with regret.

"The whole situation reeked of a setup, they all deserved an ass kicking and yet I am not certain I would have touched the mages, unless they forced my hand. It was the templars I wanted to kick." Aleksia stopped walking and turned to look at Blackwall, "You all did the right thing. I am just sorry it was necessary in the first place, a lot of people could have been hurt or worse." She let out a slow sigh. The burning resentment towards the templars that was continuously strengthening had started consuming her thoughts far more than she felt was acceptable. Acts of revenge played out in her mind and sometimes even her dreams, each one more disturbingly violent than the last. She wasn't certain it was something even Solas would understand.

"You are sure you're alright?" Enough concern flickered across his features that had Aleksia wondering what of her own emotions she had allowed to show again.

She managed to summon a smile and a nod, "I'm fine, really. There is a tub of steaming hot water and soaps with my name on it. I intend to take full advantage of it especially after that last rift battle." She wondered when it was that being covered in demon blood, dirt and grime had actually started to feel normal. Not that she didn't still enjoy the chance to finally be able to scrub it all off. Smelling like flowers once more rather than the sickening smell of blood and sweat certainly had it's appeal.

"Ah well in that case I won't keep you any longer Mi'lady." He offered her a small bow before turning back towards the stables.

"Blackwall.." she spoke his name just before he took the first step in the opposite direction. "Thanks for having my back. That last fight was rough I don't think I would still be standing if it weren't for you."

He shrugged but she could see a smile curling his lips upwards, "All in a days work."

~~~~~~~~

The heat from the water and the soothing aromas helped, a little, to ease the tension from her aching muscles. The water also had the more pleasing effect of warming her chilled bones. The last rift battle had been two days prior and at the time, she had found herself covered in snow after a couple of tumbles. With no spare changes of clothing left, she had been forced to spend two days in damp robes whilst traipsing through the cold ranges. Her throat felt like daggers were slicing through it every time she attempted to eat or drink and, her head felt as if it had been replaced by a heavy boulder on her shoulders.

The water had started cooling all too quickly, forcing her out of the tub before she could become cold again. Just as she placed one foot down on the ground, the door to her cabin opened.

Cullen moved just inside, his hand resting on the door handle as he came to a sudden stop. His eyes widened and registered surprise as he realised what he had done. "I.. sorry," he mumbled under his breath.

Aleksia smirked in amusement as she lifted her second leg out and placed it down beside the first, it seemed everyone was far more embarrassed about walking in on her than she was. "I would have thought you of all people would be used to seeing mages naked, it's not like there is a lot of privacy in the circles."

She did notice however that unlike the elf servant, who now knocked before entering her cabin, Cullen was not so quick to look away. She shifted to reach for her white bathrobe, suddenly feeling self-conscious when she realised it wasn't her features that had drawn his attention. It was the many scars that marred her skin. Although the healing she had received each morning had lessened the scars left behind, dulled some of them and even removed others completely. They still marked her stomach, back and sides in all directions. Some had faded over time, the earlier injuries she had received. Others were still pink, some even almost red in colouring. She quickly slipped the robe on and pulled it closed tightly around her body.

"Aleksia.." he started saying before she cut him off. The look on his face had said enough.

"Don't." She warned as she walked right past him and plucked a piece of fruit from the plate that had been left for her. No doubt also thanks to Josephine’s attention to detail. She held the fruit ready to bite into it as she spoke again, "Is there something you needed Cullen?"

"Oh, umm, right. Some messages came for you while weren't here," He answered as he placed the stack of messages on to her table.  
  
She remained quiet until after she had finished chewing. It at least gave her a reason to pause. "You couldn’t have sent a runner for that?" She knew her tone was tense, but she was still feeling unsettled by what he had seen. The pressure building up in her head was starting to feel like it was going to explode. That and it was Cullen, he instantly had her on edge most of the time. At least with the distraction of eating she had managed to keep her hostility to a dull roar  
  
"Yes, it would seem as if I should have done that wouldn’t it?" He snapped back. "Cassandra mentioned you might not be feeling well. Next time I will tell her to check for herself rather than volunteering to do it." With that, he took a step backwards, the door handle had still been resting under his hand so he started to pull it closed as he exited the cabin.

Aleksia realised that he had been quicker to anger this time then during their previous conversations, not that she could blame him. Her constant hostility would have been wearing thin and he really did not deserve it. In fact, other than the one conversation she had overheard with Roderick he had been welcoming, receptive and even sympathetic towards her and that was how she repaid him?

_Ex-Templar_. She reminded herself, not a current templar. He had chosen to leave the order, if she had actually taken the time to speak with him she might even have known why. She dropped the fruit down onto the table and reached the cabin door quickly. As she opened it and looked out Cullen was already a little distance away from the cabin but, still close enough that she shouldn't need to shout.

"Cullen.." she said with uncertainty. She waited until there was an acknowledgment so she knew he had heard her, "You volunteered to check up on me, even after all those times that I have treated you poorly?" She asked after he had turned around.

"I did," he answered warily as their eyes connected.

"I am sorry for how I have been behaving. Thank you." She remained there holding eye contact for a few moments before she slipped back inside and started to close the door behind her.

Just before she got the door closed all the way the wooden panels suddenly looked as if they were swaying. She reached a hand up to grab the doorframe for balance as a wave of dizziness washed over her. Aleksia was sure she heard her name spoken but it sounded muffled and broken. Her legs weakened and gave out from underneath, buckling at the knees. She was aware of the sensation of falling, a moment before everything went dark.

~~~~~~~~

Aleksia blinked several times but it had no effect whatsoever, she still could not see anything even though she was sure her eyes were open. The last thing she remembered had been talking to Cullen, everything after that was a blank spot in her mind.

Suddenly she heard the sound of footsteps and a blindingly bright light assault her eyes. Instinctively she raised her hands to her face and shielded them. The sounds had been all too familiar, the sudden burst of light was also familiar and yet she knew she wasn't in the circle tower any more. Or was she?

Carefully she parted the fingers that covered her eyes just far enough to peer between them. Standing there in what looked to be an identical doorway to that of her solitary confinement cell, was the looming form of Mercen, and yet at the same time it wasn't. His form was shadowy, like a mere whisper of the real Mercen. She could see straight through him to the wall behind. The room was identical, right down to the marks she had carved into the floor and walls. There, cowering in the corner of the cell was a shadowy whisper of herself. She was standing on the outside watching her very own memories roll out in front of her like the scene of a theatre play.

Mercen roughly pulled the shadow Aleksia to her feet and pushed her face first against a wall. A moment later the sound of a whip cracking filled the cell and echoed down the corridors. She remembered that night, like many others. It was the night he had attached a stone to the end of the whip, so that it would inflict even more damage when it connected with her back. As the shadow form of herself started to plead for mercy Aleksia closed her eyes to the images. With every crack of the whip resounding in her ears she could almost _feel_ the pain. She most certainly remembered clearly how it had felt at the time. The cell door had remained open and she found herself rushing out unhindered and running at full speed down the corridor.

As she turned the corner at the end of the corridor she suddenly found herself back in the solitary cell, surrounded by four bare grey walls and a closed door. The shadowy images had changed position. Her form was chained to the wall with her arms raised high above her head. The shadow had been striped down to her smalls and Mercen was hovering in front of her with a sharp dagger in his hand. Slowly he pressed the dagger to the shadows stomach, blood pooled under the blade and dripped down her stomach. That too was a night she remembered all too well. Her entire stomach had been marred with a series of cuts, her head had started spinning from the loss of blood. It was the first time the mage had been called in to heal her right after Mercen was done with her. She had woken to the sensation of healing magic washing over her and the sound of the mages voice, she had warned Mercen that he had almost gone too far. Aleksia had been near death from loss of blood under his knife.

As the images before her faded away to nothing but the lightest of shadows the cell door swung open. She reluctantly stepped out into the corridor and made her way around the next corner. Just as the last time, she rounded the corner and found herself back in the cell. Instead of the shadowy forms from her memories residing in the cell, this time there was the bright form of what looked like a spirit dressed in a long, flowing white robe. For some reason, the spirit felt familiar and yet whatever triggered that sense was out of her minds reach.

"You must remain strong. Do not fear what can no longer hurt you," the spirit said.

"Who... or what are you?" Aleksia asked with a trembling voice.

"That is not important, but you must know it is coming for you, as he is." The spirit answered before vanishing.

As the spirit vanished the shadowy forms appeared in its place. Mercen was standing in front of the shadowed version of herself, there as barely a hairs width between them, he softly trailed a finger along her jawline. Aleksia closed her eyes against the images, she didn't want to be reminded of those memories, or of what they had lead to over time. Mercen's voice sounded like an echo as it reached her ears.

"You know my little pet mage, it doesn't always have to end in pain. If you would allow it, I can be very gentle." He coaxed with a seductive tone. Aleksia couldn't see the shadowy forms with her eyes closed but she remembered every detail clearly. He had trailed his finger down the side of her neck to the edge of her robes, his touch had been soft, even tender. It had been the first time in weeks anyone had touched her for any reason other than to inflict pain.

She had missed gentle contact but, even so his touch had made her skin crawl that first time. He had leaned his face in closer and brushed his lips against her cheek. She had closed her eyes, part of her hated him touching her whilst at the same time, part of her had longed for tenderness over pain. That night the hate had won out, she pulled a knee up hard between his legs. He had doubled over in pain at first, hissing between his teeth.

"You stupid little bitch," Mercen's voice echoed through the room again. "You could have had a night of pleasure, instead all you will get for that is a world of pain."

Aleksia could hear the sound of thumps, she knew Mercen was hitting her shadow self with full force. In time whimpers of pain came from the shadow and then everything fell silent. As she peered out from behind her fingers the shadows had disappeared and the door had opened. That was how every night from that moment on started. Promises of tenderness if she would surrender to him. Pain if she would not.

As she moved back into the corridor, her shoulders were slumped downwards. Her steps had become more wary. She expected that down the end of the corridor lay only more intrusive memories that she would be forced to relive. She felt only a minor sense of relief as she turned the corner, instead of the solitary confinement was a large set of stone stairs leading upwards. As she ascended them, the stairs seemed to go on forever, one foot in front of the other, one step after another. Her legs had started protesting and feeling heavier with each step. The roof of her mouth, tongue and lips all felt dry enough that her mind was imagining what it would be like to feel nice cool water swirling around in it.

She stopped for a few moments to catch her breath and rest her aching muscles before she continued the climb. Never in her life had she experienced such a long set of stairs, she knew no such thing had existed in the Ostwick circle tower. Finally she caught a glimpse of what looked like an opening up ahead, with renewed energy she climbed her way towards it.

Just before reaching the opening, a low deep growl echoed down the stairwell. Aleksia froze for a moment and then instinctively reached behind her. She let out a sigh of relief as her fingers found the familiar grip of her staff. Taking one more step allowed her to peer into the opening. What she could see ahead wasn't a room, it appeared to be outdoors or at least some form of outdoors. Instead of a normal sky it was green and swirling with electrical charges jumping from one swirl to the next. The ground surface appeared to be some kind of flat rocky terrain with larger rocks surrounding and closing in the area that the opening lead to. Her breath caught in the back of her throat, just up ahead she could see the back of a large creature. At first glance it was shaped like a bear however, growing out from its fur was a series of black sticky looking tendrils that moved and swayed as if they had a life of their own. As it turned to the point where it was almost facing her, Aleksia could see a set of gleaming red eyes. It's face was also shaped like a bear but was marred with what looked like rotting flesh. As it moved bits of flesh dropped off its face onto the ground and yet, it seemed to be missing none of what had been on it’s face to begin with.

The creature matched the exact description of a story they used to tell as children, to scare each other before bed. The story was the reason Aleksia hated bears of all kinds and now, that nightmare was looking right at her.


	13. Chapter 13

Right at that very moment only two options remained available. She could continue on forwards and face the demonic bear, or turn around and travel back down the stairwell that, would more than likely take her back to the memories she wanted to forget. Memories that _needed_ to be forgotten. If it was indeed the fade she was in, fighting the beast was the only real way it would ever end. The demon growled and snarled menacingly in her direction. Aleksia backed away stepping down a couple of the stairs until she could no longer see it, or it her. Her heartbeat thrummed uncontrollably in her chest. It sounded so loud in her ears that it almost drowned out the sounds from the creature. Both the physical and emotional exhaustion from the last few hours had taken it's toll. She wondered if she just rested for a little while she might regain enough strength to fight.

As she sat down on one of the steps she attempted to push back the memories that had been forced to the surface. Aleksia laid her staff down on the step above where she was sitting and then held out her hands in front. Both were visibly shaking and, no matter how hard she tried the memories would not stop taunting her mind. The memories the fade had shown her reminded her of what took place after those last images. Memories that flooded her mind with unwanted visions of things _she_ had done. Thoughts of Drake also joined them. How could she even consider starting anything romantic with him, or anyone else, after the things that she had done? The only answer that came to her was that she couldn't, he deserved so much more than the person she had become in that prison cell.

The only thing she could do now was defeat the demon up ahead and hope in doing so, she would eliminate the risk of taking it back with her. It was the only way to keep Haven and the Inquisition safe from any risk she might pose. Those who she had come to consider friends, those who she had even come to care about. She was a mage and this was the fade. If she failed they would all be in danger. She needed to pull herself together just long enough to make it back there without a demon in her head. Without turning into an abomination and attacking them all. What would happen if she turned into one of those things with the mark on her hand? What would that do to the people she cared for? There were no answers. There was only the knowledge that she could not allow it to happen. With a renewed determination she grabbed her staff and stood up. Aleksia turned to face the opening just up ahead and the fear demon that resided there.

As she peered into the opening for the second time, her staff was gripped unusually tight in her hand. She held it so tight that the knuckles on her fingers had begun to lose all colour. As she moved up onto the last step the red glowing eyes of the demonic bear turned in her direction. Jagged teeth snapped and snarled. Large front paws scratched fervently at the ground as the beast sniffed the air. Aleksia took in a deep breath and focused inwards on her magic. She could feel the power within her veins building and bubbling under the surface. Just as she moved past the opening a buzzing sound came from behind. With a quick glance over her shoulder she saw a red shimmer as a magical field covered her only exit.

A low throaty growl came from the demonic bear as it pawed at the ground once more and then, charged right for her. In that moment Aleksia was grateful for the combat training Solas was always so insistent on. She ducked under the mouth that snapped directly for her throat. At the same time she thrust upwards with her staff and hit the underside of the beasts jaw as she channeled magic along the wooden shaft. Its mouth froze over just for an instant, eliciting a growl of annoyance from the creature. Two large paws came down on her back forcing Aleksia to her hands and knees. She bit through the sudden pain of eight claws piercing through her robes and digging into the flesh on her back, with a throaty growl of her own.

Aleksia could feel her arms buckling under the weight of the overly large bear pushing down on her. Beads of sweat formed across her forehead as she fought against the threat of her arms and legs buckling. She pushed her body upwards as hard as she could to catch the bear off-guard, before she dropped down to the ground and rolled herself back up to her feet. The wounds on her back felt like eight large spikes had pierced her all at once before suddenly releasing. They throbbed in protest as she straightened up. She could feel the sticky wetness of her own blood that soaked her back and caused her robes to cling to her as she moved.

With a little distance between herself and the creature that was winding up for another forward charge, Aleksia brought forward the magic that had been bubbling under the surface. It had been begging to be released, compounded by the fear that she might not make it out of the fade at all. A jolt of electricity shot forth from the palm of her hand and hit the demonic bears head. It growled and writhed in protest as electrical charges encased its body. The smell of burning hair and flesh filled the air as the spell dissipated. She backed herself up to the rock wall behind her and swung her staff releasing a series of ice bolts that connected with one of the creature's legs and, she waited.

The bear was already shaking off the effects of the electrical charge and was rearing up for a second attempt to ram her. It bolted forward with a speed that was uncharacteristically fast. Aleksia held her position until the last moment, she maintained eye contact as if she were daring it to come after her. Just as the creature was about to slam her against the rock wall, she moved quickly and decisively. It had no time to slow down or stop and thusly slammed head first against the unforgiving surface. It had been so close to her that Aleksia could smell the rot wafting from it and almost gagged as it filled her nostrils.

The demonic bear fell back onto its rump. It was stunned and growled in pain from the collision. She could see an almost black looking liquid that she assumed was the creatures blood oozing out from its nostrils and running out of its ears. As she backed away to put some distance between them she continued assaulting it with ice bolts from her staff. When the bear turned around to face her its movements had visibly slowed. Pain was etched into the nightmarish features of its face.

"Aww what's wrong? Is the poor little demon not feeling so well?" Aleksia taunted it with a glare in her eyes. The pain that still stabbed at her back, was a stark reminder of the creatures power. Even slowed it was still dangerous and it was headed right for her. Aleksia was fighting a battle within and without. Even though she was moving the demon was closing the gap between them and her magic was still regaining it strength. She had put everything she could into that first lightning bolt.

A clawed paw swiped at her as she dodged to the right. The material of her robes made a ripping sound as a slight stinging sensation assaulted her upper arm. If the bears swipe had been any deeper her arm would be sporting more than a spray of minor scratches. Her heart rate increased as the rotting smell of the creatures decaying skin reached her nose and turned her stomach. It was still far too close for comfort. As she ducked another swipe, panic gripped her and caused her magic to come streaming up to the surface. Fire rose from the palm of her hand drawing in oxygen and gaining strength. She hurled it at the demonic bear, only it was still too close to her. Heat burned at her face as she raised her arms to cover it. The skin on her cheeks stung as blisters instantly formed.

The bear recoiled with painful growls of protest as the rotting flesh on its face burned and flaked off. Embers fell to the ground in front of it, a mixture of burning flesh and blood. It banged its head repeatedly against the rock wall to douse the flames as Aleksia continued her staff assault from behind. After the last of the flames went out the demonic bear turned once more to face her. She recoiled at the sight, half of its face had been burned to the bone leaving a gaping hole where one of its eyes had been. Even with the damage her spells had caused the demon didn't stop. If anything it moved with the frenzy of an animal that knew it had nothing left to lose. This time there was no time to move out of the way.

Aleksia let out a gasp of pain as she felt herself rammed up against the rock wall behind her. From inside her body she felt, rather than heard, the cracks from several ribs as they crushed and broke. She slumped forward onto her hands and knees as coughs wracked through her body. Each one sent a frenzy of pain across her back and shoulders that stabbed right through her. She could taste blood in her mouth as the coughs eased for a moment and knew one of her lungs must have been pierced by a rib. Through the delirium caused by each painful breath she could see the demon backing up for another run at her. She dropped to her side as she raised her hand in one last frantic attempt at finishing the creature off.

The mark on her hand began to glow with a faint green light. Out the corner of her eye she spotted a blue glowing rock. Aleksia rolled onto her back and was wracked by another violent series of coughs as she attempted to reach for it. Her fingers fell just short of touching the glowing stone. The bear was pawing at the ground, rearing up and leaping forward, towards her. She took in one last deep shaky breath as she stretched her arm as far as she could. She could feel the cold surface under her fingertips as they connected. A surge of lyrium flowed from the rock, through her to the rapidly intensifying green glow. A green beam of crackling light shot forth from the palm of her hand and hit the bear directly in the open eye socket. Her entire body shook from head to toe as she fought with the darkness that wanted to overcome her.

_Just a little longer._

She could feel the micro fracture tearing through the veil inside the bears head. Her ears were assaulted with blood curdling growls. Straight afterwards the sounds stopped almost as quickly as they had started. The ground vibrated near her head as the beasts large form came crashing down only mere inches from landing on her.

Aleksia's hand fell to the ground as the glow faded and darkness consumed her.


	14. Chapter 14

A vague sense of awareness slipped its way into her mind. Everything _hurt_ but it was a different kind of hurt to that of being beaten or losing a fight. This pain wasn't a stabbing pain it was aching everywhere. A soft groan of protest passed her lips as she stirred.

"Just take it easy. I've asked for a runner to be sent over. Surely one of those apostates you have bought in must know some healing," Cullen spoke gently from by her side.

Suddenly everything rushed back to her all at once. The feeling of dizziness when she was standing at the door, her conversation with him just beforehand and the memories of the fade along with the demon. As reality set in, so did Cullen's words. Aleksia's eyes snapped open. As she went to sit up and speak her breath caught causing a series of uncontrollable coughs to vibrate through her body. She didn't even have time to consider the fact that somehow he had gotten her over to the bed.

"No.. no.. healers." She managed to squeak out breathlessly between coughs.

"Listen to you, you can barely breath, you have a fever and you just passed out. You need a healer." He responded with a mix of both frustration and concern.

She reached over and grabbed his arm to get his attention, "I mean it Cullen. No healers." Although she could barely speak above a whisper, her eyes were pleading with him as they met his.

"Ale-. Herald, I do think you should reconsider. You are clearly very ill," He answered quietly.

The look in Cullen's eyes was unmistakable concern. The look that passed between them was something else. It was similar to that of her exchange with Drake before she left for Val Royeaux. As it had then with Drake, her heart rate quickened. Aleksia quickly extracted her hand from his arm and looked away.

_Maker, what is wrong with me? Suddenly I'm attracted to every male in Haven? I have to be losing my mind._

It was the only explanation she could think of. Now she couldn't even trust her own feelings, she had to be losing it. Especially when they steered her into the direction of someone who was once a Templar. It had her wondering if, what she thought she had felt for Drake was as real as it seemed to be at the time. Maybe it had simply a moment of loneliness that had her reacting to him? Otherwise why would Cullen have had any effect on her as well? It wasn't like she normally went out of her way to look for possible male suitors. In fact, before being imprisoned Lucas was the only person she had ever been with. Perhaps all that time in the cell had changed that as well? All of her thoughts were quickly extracted from her mind as her body was wracked by another fit of coughing that left her gasping for air.

"There has to be some way of getting you help," Cullen said.

Aleksia was still refusing to look at him again, she couldn’t trust herself or the way she reacted to him. It was both crazy and frustrating. "Why do you even care? If I was off in some prison in Orlais like you said I should have been, you wouldn't even know I was unwell. They probably would have had me executed by now," she was rewarded with another fit of coughing for the exertion her hostility required.

Cullen sighed and stood up from the chair he had been sitting on by the bed, "You know what? You're right. I don't care. Have fun getting better on your own." He rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration as he made his way over to the door.

Aleksia swung her legs over the side of the bed. Just as she was about to speak her chest heaved and her breath caught. Another fit of coughs made it impossible to follow through with what she had been about to say. That, she thought was probably for the best, no good words ever came out of her mouth when she spoke to him. At least not for long. The door to her cabin slammed behind Cullen as he left, the sound sent a jolt right through her. As she glanced over at the chair he had been sitting on she spotted a small basin of water and a cloth. She realised whilst she was unconscious and Cullen was waiting on the runner, he must have been trying to bring her fever down. He had genuinely been trying to assist her. "Why can't I learn to just keep my big mouth shut around him?" She asked the now empty cabin. Her emotions constantly felt like a small boat on the ocean, being tossed and turned by the waves with periods of calm in between. Just when she thought she was figuring something out a new wave jostled her off course. Her 'thank you' earlier had been intended as a truce, one she was certain she just now destroyed.

She pushed herself up off the bed with effort after she was done coughing again. Every cough was accompanied by pain from muscles she didn’t even know she had. Just when she thought the muscles in her chest and stomach couldn't take any more and her lungs almost felt as if they were on fire, she leaned over the back of a nearby chair consumed by yet another series of coughs. Fatigue was starting to set in both from feeling atrocious and because she still had not fully rested from the trip. Aleksia stumbled her way over to the door and locked it to prevent any further intrusions and then managed to make it back over to her bed to collapse on to the soft surface.

That was where she spent the next several days, refusing to answer her door to anyone but the elf servant who bought her meals. Even when Solas knocked on the door to see how she was going, Aleksia denied him entry. Physically she was too exhausted to feel like dealing with visitors and conversation. Emotionally, after everything the fade had forced her to relive she just wanted to curl up into a ball and shut the world out. On the fourth morning she finally changed into her robes and forced herself to attend the war room meeting despite still feeling lousy.

Just before opening the large door, she paused and ran a hand through her wavy black locks. She had not bothered to do anything other than brush her hair. Trying to pin it back as she normally would had proven to be too challenging when wracked by coughing. She knew she must still look like a wreck but this meeting had been delayed long enough. As she pushed the door open and slipped inside she did not need to look around at all the faces to know that the eyes of each of the advisors were upon her. The conversation that had been taking place came to a sudden halt. For just a moment as Aleksia's eyes met Cullen's she was sure he had almost smiled before his expression turned to a frown and he looked away. It was always the first reactions of a person that showed their true nature and intentions, it made her feel even more guilty for how she had behaved.

"Go ahead and continue, no need to stop on my account." She covered her mouth for a moment, stifling a couple of coughs that the simple act of speaking had invoked.

"It is good to see you up and about again Herald," Josephine said as she offered Aleksia a smile.

"We were just discussing the outcome of the Val Royeaux trip. In fact it has been the same discussion every morning since your return," Leliana added with a tone of frustration.

"It is true," Cassandra said warily. "With invitations from both the Mages and the Templars on the table. It would seem we can not agree on which direction would be the most beneficial."

"I still think it would be wise not to discount the Templars and their abilities. The Inquisition could benefit from having them on side." Cullen spoke up from the other side of the table, although he still avoided eye contact.

"The breach was caused by some kind of magic. Wouldn't it be fair to assume that additional mages helping with closing it may increase our chances of success? " Leliana responded.

Aleksia stood off to one side and only half listened as they all continued to delve into yet another heated debate on whose point of view was right and whose was not. Her thoughts on the other hand had taken an entirely different direction. When she finally did speak up her tone was distracted, "The Templars. We need to take up their invitation."

That, she knew had gotten Cullen's attention because he was looking right at her with disbelief. In fact, they all were. She needed to think quickly which was not easy when she was overcome with sneezes, one right after the other, followed closely by a bout of coughing. Finally she managed to regain her thoughts and her voice.

"Cassandra, you said it yourself. Lord Seeker Lucius was behaving differently. Even out of character, that alone is enough to warrant an investigation. They are up to something, my feeling is that it is nothing good. We need to know what they are doing. The mages will have to wait." As she watched each of them, Aleksia could see her cover up was working. She was still using her distrust of the Templars as a reason. It was a good one. It was far more convincing than trying to pretend she thought they would be good for the Inquisition when nothing could be further from the truth. She had no intentions of ever allowing them to walk free, but more then that she wanted to draw out the remaining Templars. She needed to know if _they_ still lived and that was the best way she knew of to find out. Only then could she be sure they got what they deserved.

"I will make the necessary arrangements." Josephine responded, "I don't believe you should leave Haven until you are well again though Herald."

"I agree," Cassandra added.

"I will be fine but, if it will make you feel better we can wait a few more days. That will give us more time to prepare for the trip anyway and give me time to rest." Although Aleksia was reluctant to wait any longer what they said made sense. She needed to be ready to face whatever the Templars might throw at them and she couldn’t do that if she had to stop for a coughing fit in the middle of a battle.

As everyone was leaving the war room Aleksia felt a tug on her arm. Cullen pulled her back inside. His action was not a gentle one, the grip on her arm was tight. He closed the door behind them before he released her.

As he turned to look at her Aleksia could see the darker clouds over his expression. That was until she started coughing uncontrollably, then his expression flickered more towards concern. She raised her eyebrows and smirked at him, "You know if you wanted to get me alone with you in the war room; You could have tried asking." It was a deflection because she had a feeling she knew what was coming.

"What are you doing Aleksia? You might have the others fooled with your story but not me. I know you are up to something." As Cullen spoke, Aleksia found she couldn't read his expression as well as she had been able to previously.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she responded with a stubborn set to her jaw and a confidence that she didn't feel.

"I heard what happened in Val Royeaux. They had to hold you back so that you didn't single handedly step up there and attack those Templars," he said firmly.

"Look, I'll admit when they stepped up onto that stage and started knocking the clerics around, after they had said they would protect them," Her hands clenched into fists by her side. "I saw red. They betrayed them and what the order was supposed to stand for! How would you have reacted? By inviting them over for dinner?"

"Not by running head on into numbers far greater than that of my own team," as he spoke some of the conviction behind his words had faltered.

"I never expected them to follow me nor did I ask for it," she said with frustration. Her chest also felt like it might burst as she tried to hold back the coughs that threatened to surface.

"They would have because, if you like it or not, you are the Herald." The tone Cullen had now adopted was akin to the one he used when addressing his troops and one of them needed chastising.

Just as she was about to speak, the coughs she had been holding back spilled out and felt as if they would never end before she finally got her breath back. Her voice was raised and filled with irritation, "I didn't ask for that either. I am no Herald. I am no icon. I am no one! I am not even sure I believe in their stupid maker. When that mark jumped on to my hand or whatever it did, it chose the wrong person! Don't you see?"

"You may not have asked for the mark or for what has come with it but you are stuck with it. If you don't step up and claim the responsibility that comes with that a lot of people could end up hurt or worse. You are the _only_ one who can." His tone held a frustration all of it's own. The worst part about it was the fact that Aleksia knew he was right. She had been thrown a power that she did not want but one that affected the lives of many innocent people.

She also knew that she had to follow through with her plans. There was no way she could turn away from that, she would just have to be more careful in the execution of those plans so as not to drag anyone else down with her. "No one will be harmed who does not deserve it, the rest I will bring back here to you. That is the best I can do."

"I just pray you are able to tell the difference," he said with a tone that was almost impossible to read.

Aleksia’s eyes narrowed as she glared at him. "I am somewhat insulted by your lack of faith in my abilities Commander," the tone of her voice sounded equally as insulted. She knew she may have made a mistake with her actions in Val Royeaux but that didn't mean she couldn't be responsible. It only meant that she was not used to being in such a position. Aleksia was the one to step out of the room and close the door firmly behind her. She had never, in as long as she could recall, met anyone who was so completely frustrating.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh, I have to say I am not super impressed with my writing in this chapter. I have neatened it up as best I can without rewriting the whole thing. I must have been in a bad writing day the day I wrote this one!
> 
> Next one will be edited and up in a few minutes as well. I might even try to get all of the reposted chapters up tonight AND my newest chapter I just wrote. :)

The Templars, seriously what had she been thinking when she had made _that_ choice? If they couldn't find evidence that the Templars were up to something, she would be expected to bring them all back to Haven. The place would be _crawling_ with them. Once again, her mouth had opened before her brain had the chance to catch up, revenge only ever lead to trouble of the worst kind. Was she seriously considering condemning the Inquisition to a potential army full of them just to satisfy her own morbid sense of justice for what had been done to her? Chances were she wouldn't even find those responsible, they were more than likely dead already. Cullen's words rang loudly in her mind. She had been angry with him at the time, but only because she knew he was right. He was always right, for the most part. She was the one who continued to mess everything up. She needed to step up to what had been placed on her shoulders, even if she had not asked for it. She should be making decisions for the Inquisition's benefit, not for her own. Aleksia knew these things and yet the opportunity had been too good to pass up.

Just as she placed her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands with a sigh, and several coughs, her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on her cabin door. She glanced at the window and noticed it had become dark out. Lost in a whirlwind of thoughts she hadn't even noticed how late it was, her heart skipped involuntarily. It was likely the guard change at her door had taken place. Aleksia hadn't even spoken to Drake since her return as she had shut everyone out. Now she was looking forward to his easy nature and conversation to take her mind off everything else.

"It's open," she responded and then suddenly found herself combing her fingers through her hair. She knew it was still a mess and with her fever still coming and going at times, it clung to her damp forehead. As her door opened she caught sight of his familiar armor, it was too late to back out now.

"Ahh so the infamous Herald finally has her door open again. I heard you had taken ill. Are you feeling better?" Drake made his way over to the table and placed down a steaming mug of liquid in front of her. Although Aleksia's sense of smell was still somewhat affected by her congested nose, she was fairly certain the blend of tea before her had changed from that which he normally offered.

"Maybe a little. Not really though," she admitted.

"Well in that case you may enjoy the tea, it's a special herb blend designed specifically to clear the nose and ease coughing," he said sounding somewhat proud of the concoction he had placed in front of her.

"You really are just full of surprises aren't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. She picked up the steaming mug and had a careful sip. She half expecting it would taste horrible as most remedies usually did. The effect was pleasantly surprising, she found the taste was more than palatable, it had a slightly sweet yet spicy flavour that almost caressed her taste buds.

"My mother used to make it if any of us fell ill," he answered as a flicker of nostalgia crossed his eyes.

"She sounds lovely. I was only three when I was placed in the circles. I don't really remember my family," Aleksia said quietly, a little distracted as her thoughts wandered. Having nothing to compare her life to, she had always wondered how different it may have been living with family and not in the circles. She was absently sipping the tea he had given her and had to admit she was already feeling a little better.

"You are of noble blood aren't you? I thought most nobles were given more freedom? Like family passes so to speak." His tone held a curious interest as he watched her closely.

"They were, especially in the Ostwick circle. However among the noble lines, those with mage blood are also often frowned upon." Her tone changed to what could only be bitterness at her family's lack of interest. "It seems my family was more interested in keeping up appearances than they were in keeping contact with me."

"I am sorry, that must have been difficult for you. Especially so young," he responded with sympathy.

Aleksia shrugged her shoulders. Absently she gave him her generic response at first. "As I said, I was too young to really remember them." Then she looked over and met Drake's soft, concerned eyes something compelled her to tell him the whole truth. "I did sometimes wonder what it might have been like to know my family. I know I have siblings but I know nothing about them. If they are married, have children, jobs. My family requested I attend the conclave, the explosion took place before I was even able to find out who it was, or why they wanted me to attend. I guess now I will never know."

"Maybe someone else in your family knows? You could try contacting them to find out?" He sat down on the chair opposite Aleksia making himself comfortable, or at least as comfortable as one in a full suit of armor could be.

"No. It's better this way. They didn't want anything to do with me before. I can't imagine anything good will come of it." That bitterness crept its way back to her again although it was difficult to hold such conviction when she was looking into his hopeful eyes. It amazed her how easily he did that and how easily she spoke to him. In many ways the hours she had spent talking to Drake, reminded her of the hours she used to spend talking to Lucas.

"And if it does? What is the harm in trying?" His expression was almost hopeful and very hard to resist.

"I've not had much success there so far. The circle was my family and look what happened to them? Then there was the conclave and my first attempt at meeting blood relatives, that too turned into one huge mess. Now there is the Inquisition and this whole Herald thing. What if I am cursed and everyone around me is destined to meet a terrible fate?" Part of her knew they were childish thoughts, one couldn't really be cursed in such a manner. Could they? Maybe she could be destined to live a life where nothing ever went right for long. Such a life would only condemn those who got close. Even with those thoughts some pulls were hard, if not impossible to resist. Like talking to Drake.

"You don't really believed that," he replied softly. The look in his eyes made Aleksia's heart start racing. His compassion was unmistakable as he held her gaze. As much as she tried to tell herself to look away, she just couldn't do it.

"Don't I? So far to evidence speaks for itself. If I was you I would keep your distance, clearly I am not safe to be around. Or to get close to.." Despite the bitterness of her words, her tone faltered. She knew part of her was almost pleading with him to challenge that theory, to get closer to her and prove she was wrong.

"What if I don't want to?" It was in the raise of his eyebrows that had her wondering if there was also a smile under that helmet that matched the look in his eyes.

"Drake.. The other night before I left. I know I was behaving inappropriately. I'm sorry." It was an attempt, if not a feeble one, to defuse the intensity behind the looks they were exchanging. If she could just drag her eyes away from his, she might have had a better chance at succeeding.

"I'm not. I should be, but I'm not." He seemed as if he were struggling, just as she was and yet, the eye contact remained. He couldn't look away either and his gaze burnt right into her as it caught her breath.

Whatever resolve she had melted away. The words tumbled breathlessly from her lips before she could stop them, "Have dinner with me? Tomorrow night at the Tavern. No armor. No helmets. Just us."

"Aleksia..." His eyes flickered with indecisiveness.

"You're hesitating. Do you have any idea what that does to a persons ego? It's not like mine is overly confident in the first place." In that moment she didn't care what the consequences might be in the long run. She wanted it and part of her even needed it. He had to say yes.

Finally Drake sighed and looked away. Her heart almost felt as if it stopped beating altogether. "You have to believe that I really want to, but I can't. At least not yet. I am sorry."

"What's stopping you? Let me guess, you can't tell me that either?" Had she read the signals wrong? Was he not interested and was letting her down gently? She didn't think she had, in fact she was almost certain of it. So what was it that had him holding back. Her stomach clenched tightly as if it were knotting up.

"I'm sorry," his tone almost sounded miserable as he avoided meeting her eyes again.

"Bonus points for a unique rejection, however I think you should go now. I am sick after all. I should be resting." She knew she had no real right to feel as dejected as she did but it was impossible for her not to.

"Aleksia-." As he met her eyes, his expression was pained. Seeing that in his eyes hurt almost as much as his rejection had.

"Just go," she cut him off as she looked away. Just as with everything else apparently this was just one more thing for her to mess up. Her shoulders drooped as she heard the click of the cabin door behind him.

Aleksia let out a long sigh. At least the tea had her feeling better, if only temporarily. Now she felt miserable for an entirely different reason and more than a little lonely. She had already been cooped up in her cabin for days. Another night of that with Drake's rejection playing on her mind was entirely unappealing. She moved over and sat at the small dresser Josephine had managed to sneak into her room at some point; Most likely during the Val Royeaux trip and set about pinning her unruly black locks behind her head. It took some effort, after having neglected them whilst she had been away and since her return, but eventually they submitted to her administrations and sat neatly pinned in place. By now, also due to Josephine's care and attention, she also had several different robes to choose from. Each decorated in their own colours and patterns and crafted to fit her form snuggly. In all her life at the circle Aleksia had never seen such finery, other than on the other noble mages whose families had not rejected them. True fashion was something of a mystery to her, each of the newly tailored outfits held an appeal of their own to her untrained eyes. Eyes that had never seen more than drab greys and browns sitting loosely on her shoulders and around her waist.

Finally she settled on the pale blue robes with white swirls that reminded her of the sky, when high wispy white clouds cast patterns across it. Those robes had darker blue leggings to wear underneath to contrast the pale bodice and skirt. She slipped them on and then glanced in the mirror. The bodice clung snugly to her upper body accentuating her curves and having her feeling, for a moment, a little self conscious. The skirt flowed loosely with four slits, two on either side, allowing the tight fitting dark blue leggings to be seen underneath. Aleksia swayed her hips slightly and watched as the skirt moved easily. She stifled a giggle, suddenly feeling younger, excited and more than a little daring. All the things she had never really had the chance to experience having been cooped up, even sheltered. Now she had a freedom to move, explore and even _feel_ freely. Or she would have had, if all eyes weren't constantly on the Herald of Andraste.

For just one night she was going to force herself not to care about those responsibilities either. The only intentions she had for the night, was to make sure a certain guard knew exactly what it was he had rejected when he had chosen to keep her shut out. She knew his duties meant he would have to follow her to the Tavern, if he wanted to or not. At least until the shift change.


	16. Chapter 16

As she entered Haven's Inn her ears were instantly assaulted by a higher pitched, very loud voice from across the room. Aleksia instantly recognised the voice and the elf it belonged to. To say that the woman was memorable from the very first meeting was a understatement.

_Sera._

Even her method of contact in Val Royeaux showed her more colourful personality. The arrow with the note had only just marginally missed her head but at least it had gotten her attention. The elf was chaotic and her language more than a little colourful; a stark contrast to Solas and his calm, polite demeanour and yet, Aleksia had found her intriguing. She was looking forward to having Sera along on some of the trips to provide a distraction.

"Arrow to your face, that's what cheaters like you should get." Sera declared loudly with her face right up in front of a rough looking male. Aleksia could practically see the elf shaking with rage even from the other side of the room. Whatever was going on it didn't sound like it was going to end well; so much for leaving the Herald behind. She closed the gap quickly as she approached Sera and the object of her rage.

"Didn't think you would get caught? Ha showed you different." Sera exclaimed somewhat proudly as she shoved her face up in to the mans, she was practically nose to nose with him. He looked as if in that moment he would have rather be anywhere but under Sera's scrutiny.

"What seems to be the problem here?" Aleksia asked calmly but loudly enough to be heard over Sera and across half the Inn. All thoughts of keeping a low profile that night vanished the moment she realised, half the inns patrons had stopped to stare at her.

"This piece of shite needs a lesson that's what." Sera said as she turned to look at Aleksia, in doing so she had to step back from the man she had been raging at. With a gap between them forming and Sera's attention shifting to look at the Herald, the man took the opportunity to try and make a run for it. As he did, Sera instantly reacted. She raised her bow and aimed with the intent of firing on him.

_Shit._

Aleksia quickly snapped into action. She grabbed Sera's arm causing the shot to fire harmlessly up at the ceiling. With a nod of her head towards Drake he stepped in front of the fleeing man and quickly restrained him.

"Hey!" Sera protested. "What'd you do that for?"

"Maybe I thought we could all sit down and discuss this like rational adults _before_ someone gets hurt." Aleksia said firmly.

"Well that's boring innit?" Sera said with a sigh as she slumped down onto a nearby chair.

Aleksia motioned for Drake to bring the offending party over to join them. He coaxed the man to join them at the table across from Sera and then stepped back, remaining close by in case he was needed again.

"So, I still don't know what actually happened here. Would someone care to enlighten me?" Aleksia asked, remaining standing in case she needed to defuse anything quickly.

Sera snorted, "Ask the cheater, go on, dare ya!"

The man was sitting at the table looking defeated with his head hanging low. As she watched his face, Aleksia almost felt sorry for him. "I don't believe we have met, do you have a name?" Her tone was not unkind but not overly friendly either.

"Bert. My name is Bert." He said with a defeated tone and then all of a sudden a flood of further words sprung forth. "I didn't mean anything by it I swear. The wife 'n kids need food 'n works 'ard to come by. I didn't want to cheat but I got nothin' left, not even for trade." He sighed sadly. The defeat in his eyes was clear, not only did he get caught but he was also empty handed.

"Well, shite." Sera muttered under her breath. "Same for the ones you tried to cheat. Meal ticket and all that."

Aleksia frowned as she glanced in the direction Sera was looking. There was a man and a woman who appeared to be his wife. "There are more people arriving in Haven every day." Aleksia mused. It was mostly to herself even though she was speaking out loud. She turned her attention back to Bert but, spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear her. "Anyone else who is looking for work, meet in the morning at the Chantry. The Inquisition can use all the hands we can get and the pay's decent. I will talk to the Commander and see what we can do for each of you. In the meanwhile, I will also see about some meals being prepared. As well as warm clothes and blankets for those who need them. On one condition," she held Bert's gaze before continuing. "You all act the part as well or I will personally throw you in a holding cell myself. The Inquisition has a reputation to uphold, no cheating or other inappropriate behaviour will be tolerated. Is that clear?"

"Yes ma'am, thank you." Bert responded, his expression instantly brighter.

"You may go, let's hope we don't need to have a discussion like this again." Aleksia pushed herself up from the table holding back a sigh. Those promises meant she now had work to do as she started to make her way back out of the Inn. It was probably for the best, by now everyone in there knew exactly who she was and she had just gotten done declaring the Inquisition had a reputation to look out for. It would hardly be good form to go back on that now.

"Hey! Miss Bossy Pants," Sera called after her causing Aleksia to turn her head in the direction of the elf for a moment. "You're alright for someone who glows."

~~~~~~~~

Aleksia was bemused by how quickly and languorously she had stepped back into that role. The actions of a peacemaker of sorts, a role she had been well known amongst her peers at the circle for. It was also one that she had forgotten during the time she had been incarcerated. A moment of nostalgia washed over her as she remembered, there were many times she had stepped into the middle of arguments between mages and calmed the waters. For a moment it almost felt as if she had been back there during an easier time in her life, everything had seemed so simple then. How blind had she been to what was right there under her nose the entire time? She hadn't seen the circles for what they truly were, a prison for mages to keep them out of everyone else's way. She had believed the lies, that the circles were to protect them from harm and, to allow them the chance to practice their art in peace. How easily one's entire life could stumble and shatter under the realisation that it had all been a lie.

After two hours of helping Josephine scour Haven looking for willing cooks and rifling through food supplies, they came up with a menu that the Inquisition could afford to provide on a regular basis. Followed by overseeing the meal preparation taking place for that night, Aleksia was exhausted and the effects of the tea Drake had given her was starting to wear off. Still she was determined to make sure the night, and her plans, weren't a total loss. By the time she perched herself at the counter and ordered a drink, most of the patrons from earlier had left or where too drunk to remember previous events.

A deep male voice spoke up from behind her, one she easily recognised, "Get the Herald a drink on me. I think she has earned it tonight."

Aleksia stifled a groan, "Don't tell me word of the earlier debacle has already spread around Haven?"

Blackwall chuckled as he sat down on the stool beside her, "I am afraid so, apparently you were quite the hero of the hour. After staring down the crazy bow lady with your super magical powers until she submitted."

"Oh good grief, poor Sera," she was positively mortified by just how badly that particular tale had already been twisted. "I assure you the truth is far less colourful."

"Ah it usually is, but not nearly as interesting a tale for the masses to retell." A smile played on his lips that curled his mustache upwards. As she watched him Aleksia also noticed that his eyes had a way of lighting up at the same time. "Don't worry about Sera, she was actually the one who told me the current version. She seems to find it all highly amusing."

"Of course she does," Aleksia said with an amused tone. She bit back a gasp as the liquid she had just sipped burned its way down her throat and warmed her insides. It took a moment for her to be able to speak and as he watched her face Blackwall appeared to be highly amused by her reactions. "Oh go ahead and laugh if you must. I refuse to be held accountable for the circles lack of decent ale being smuggled in. It wasn't nearly as strong."

"Wait. You actually smuggled in ale?" He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Well, not me personally but, we may have had a deal with a few of the more accommodating Templars. Something along the lines of wicked grace, ale and cigars once a week." She said with a grin that stopped just before it met her eyes. Thoughts of those nights also reminded her of the fact that Mercen had been one of them. What should have easily been happy memories of a better time were now tainted by his misdemeanours. Instead of dwelling on it, she pushed the thoughts into the back of her mind with a long sip from her mug.

"I certainly wouldn't have picked you as the rebellious type," he said after Aleksia ordered herself another drink.

"Oh I am just full of surprises," she said as she flashed him a more daring smile. One thing about the stronger ale was that it didn't take nearly as much to start numbing painful memories and lowering inhibitions.

"I think I am starting to see that," He cleared his throat and shifted a little bit on his stool but the smile and amusement in his eyes remained.

Aleksia was well into her second drink as she looked at Blackwall again, "Has Leliana had any luck in tracking down the missing Grey Wardens yet?"

"No. Not so far but I'm not about to give up until we do know what has happened to them." His tone took on a more serious note, along with a stubborn set to his jaw that indicated he meant his words.

"Well Ser Blackwall with a hero willing to stare down crazed bow ladies at your side," she joked as she leaned in towards him. "You're sure to find them in no time," Her eyes quickly tracked over to where she knew Drake was. As soon as he realised she was looking at him he turned away but it had been enough to tell her that he was watching.

Blackwall's head tilted back slightly as he laughed, "When you put it that way, I am certain we will." As his eyes met her's again Aleksia held his gaze.

She only broke eye contact briefly to glance in Drake's direction. He hadn't turned back to her but she knew he would if for no other reason than the fact that it was his job to guard her. She knew he would see soon enough. She leaned in close to Blackwall's ear and lowered her voice, "Do you dance?"

"I have been known to once or twice," he responded with a slight hitch to his voice. Being so close to him Aleksia could smell a mix of his masculine scent and ale.

She raised her eyebrows slightly with a coy smile, "I never have that I can recall. Dances just invite romance, it wasn't something the circle wished to encourage. Would you teach me?"

Blackwall moved back from her as he stood up and offered Aleksia a hand, "It would be my pleasure Lady Trevelyan."

She smiled as she reached her own hand over and placed it in his as she stood. Her eyes briefly ticked over to Drake, on making eye contact with him her stomach involuntarily fluttered. He looked, for a moment, as if he were almost silently begging her not to do what she was doing. For an instant she questioned herself and her actions. Guilt snaked its way into her mind causing her to break the eye contact. When she looked back again Drake was looking elsewhere.

It was the knowing look on Blackwall's face that surprised her the most when she looked back at him. Yet whatever realisation he had come to didn't stop him from reaching for her and pulling her in close.

"Just follow my lead, and watch the feet," he grinned as he showed her the standard dance hold. "Okay, now I am going to turn you outwards this way and pull you back in to me. Are you ready?"

Aleksia nodded and then laughed, "I think so. The worst that can happen is me showing the whole Inn that the Herald doesn't know how to dance right?"

"I will be careful and try not to allow that to happen." He smiled back at her giving a little wink before he carefully guided her out, away from his body and then pulled her back in close. As his arm slipped back around her waist their bodies pressed together, he held her firmly in position. "You are a quick study."

"You are a good teacher," Despite the fact that having a warm body pressed up against her was having an affect on hers and caused her breath to catch. It wasn't the person she really wanted to be against, or in the arms of, he was across the room stubbornly refusing to even so much as glance in her direction.

Over the following hours Blackwall tirelessly taught her some of the more basic dance moves and she wasn't entirely useless at it, in the beginning. However between dances they stopped for a drink. Each time heading back to the dance floor and starting again afterwards. As the evening wore on and the effects of the alcohol took over there were far more steps on his toes then there should have been. Aleksia also regularly checked to see where Drake's focus was. The more she flirted with Blackwall and the closer she danced with him. The more she found Drake had been forcing himself to look elsewhere. When the guard changeover took place he had looked as if he couldn't get out of the Inn fast enough.

By the end, Aleksia could barely stand let alone hold a decent dance step. Blackwall offered to escort her back to her cabin, a request she was quick to accept. Once inside, she turned to him. Her body was swaying, mostly because her head was also swaying making it almost impossible to stand up straight and remain still.

"I have had a really good time tonight, thank you," she said with a smile and a sway.

"The pleasure is mine, I have not enjoyed myself this much in longer than I care to admit." Blackwall responded as he returned her smile.

Suddenly Aleksia's swaying had her stumbling forwards. Blackwall instantly responded by catching her around the waist. With their bodies pressed together, the next sways of her hips held a purpose as she rubbed against him. She reached up a hand and brushed her fingers against his stubbly cheek as she whispered, "Stay."

~~~~~~~~

Sun was streaming in from the small window, enough to irritate her aching head when she attempted to open her eyes. The series of coughs that followed shortly after caused her head to start pounding fiercely. Suddenly Aleksia froze as she became aware of movement beside her and the warmth of another body sharing her bed.

_What have I done?_

 


	17. Chapter 17

She gripped her pillow with her fingers and pressed it to her face stifling the groan invoked by her pounding head followed by the violent coughs that wracked through her. The last thing she was ready to deal with yet was risking waking the sleeping form beside her. Once the coughing subsided Aleksia risked peeking out from behind the pillow. His dark hair looked a little more unruly than normal and as her eyes traveled a little further they rested on his fully clothed body. Slowly through the fog in her mind, her hazy memories from the night before started creeping back to her.

She let out a breath of relief at the realisation that nothing had actually happened between them. Well, nothing much. He had been the perfect gentleman. It was her own actions however that had been worthy of the shameful blush that crept it's way to her cheeks. After having asked Blackwall to stay, she had kissed him. At first he had kissed her back. In fact, she had even enjoyed it in her drunken state as well as the inner stirrings the kisses had bought to the surface. Given the chance at the time, she would have taken it further, much further. That was until he pinned her arms down by her side and stepped back. That was when he had informed her of his observations, the continual glances that had been exchanged all night between herself and the guard. Instead of allowing Aleksia to work out her frustrations over Drake on him; An act he said she would regret the following day, they had resorted to talking instead. In the end he had been concerned about her state of mind as well as her illness and had stayed to keep a watchful eye over her. As it turned out, he would have been right. She knew she would have regretted anything really happening, even if she had wanted it at the time.

That as why he was there when she woke and also why the last thing she wanted to do was wake him. That would mean facing the embarrassment that coiled in the pit of her stomach. She carefully extracted herself from the bed and stopped only long enough to see the even rise and falls of his chest and to steady her pounding head. At least her coughs remained at bay for the moment. Quickly unpinning the last few pins that actually remained in her hair, she grabbed her brush and ran it through the unruly black waves a few times. It would do for the time being she decided before slipping quietly out her cabin, still dressed in the same robes she had on the night before. She knew the mornings war room meeting would be starting soon enough and was actually looking forward to the distraction for once.

~~~~~~~~

As he pushed open the large Haven gate, Cullen's head throbbed painfully. He couldn't remember exactly when it was that he had taken his last ever dose of lyrium. What he did know was the more pressure he found himself under the worse the aching in his head became. Maker knew there was more than enough responsibility riding on his shoulders at that time. He knew the final push towards the breach wouldn't be far away, his men needed to be ready. The Herald also needed to be ready and he had his doubts about that. She had another agenda when she had agreed to the meeting with the Templar's he was certain of it, if only he knew what that agenda involved. What no one else knew was at that very moment agents of Leliana's were more than likely turning what was left of the Ostwick circle upside down at his request. They were tasked with finding any information on the Herald they could and returning it to Haven. Leliana had promised to let him know the moment she received word back.

_The Herald._

She was the other reason for the increased pain and the reason why he had reached for that lyrium vial more than once, only to change his mind at the last moment. She was trouble, he knew it right from the first time he had met her. The magic within her was strong enough that he had been able to sense it before he had even approached. Although at the time she had tried to cover it, the haunted expression she wielded had cut right to his core. She had both a strength and a vulnerability about her that had instantly reminded him of another mage in another time and place. As soon as she had realised who he was there was also that unmistakable fear that had filled her expression right before she had walked away. Then there was the prison cell. All the strength she had shown previously, at that time had vanished, leaving a scared and vulnerable being in its place. That was when he had wanted to reach out to her, to give her strength.

She infuriated him with her hostility towards him when she knew him to be the Templar. She had compelled him with her vulnerability when she had lost the ability to hold it back and she had wooed him with her kindness towards others. More than that, she took him back to a place he had never wanted to tread again. He had been left longing and caring for someone he could never have in the past, in the circles when it had been forbidden, and now it seemed as if he were to endure the same fate over again. She was their Herald, she was a mage and as himself she hated him for what he was and yet his infatuation with her was ever increasing. No matter how much he tried he just couldn’t shake it. She was trouble of the worst kind, the kind that brought all of the memories and nightmares that he wanted to forget back to the surface. After having to endure hours of watching her with that Grey Warden the night before, she was also the kind of trouble that added to his already high stress levels. He had come so close to taking that lyrium when he had returned to his tent, just to ease the headache she had caused. If it continued she would be his undoing and he knew it. The nightmares that plagued his dreams had once been demons with the Hero of Ferelden's face, now they took on her face and interrupted his sleep sometimes several times a night.

As he neared the path that lead to the cabins his eyes involuntarily glanced in the direction of her cabin and suddenly he froze in mid step. There stepping out of her doorway in the same attire he had been wearing the night before, with his hair still a mess on top of his head was the Grey Warden, Blackwall. Cullen felt as if a dagged had plunged right into his chest.

~~~~~~~~

Before going on to the war room meeting Aleksia had stopped by Solas'. She had asked if amongst the various potions he seemed to enjoy concocting, was something that might be effective against a hangover and perhaps even ease her coughs for a time. He didn't need to voice his disapproval as he searched through his collection, she had seen it on his face as he handed her the vials. She had thanked him quickly and left just as fast. He was but one more person she had disappointed with her actions the night before. She started to wonder what rumors might have already been circulating and hoped for his sake, that Blackwall would be spared from too much disapproval because of her.

By the time she made her way back to the Chantry, Haven was bustling with activity and evidently rumours as well. Several groups had stopped speaking or, started whispering as she got closer to them. By the time she actually made it inside the Chantry looks of disapproval were cast her way by a number of people. She hurried her steps and let out a sigh of relief the moment the war room door was securely closed behind her, but it was short lived. Inside as she glanced around at the now familiar faces, Cullen was avoiding looking at her entirely. Josephine's lips were pressed tightly together. Cassandra grunted in disgust and Leliana was the only one out of them all who simply looked amused, maybe even a little curious. Aleksia was secretly hoping a rift would form in the ground under her feet and drag her into the fade. She was certain her cheeks must have been a bright shade of pink by that point because they felt as if they were alight with burning embers.

Josephine cleared her throat as she picked up her binder and glanced down at it, "Now that the Herald is here we should begin."

Aleksia looked down at the war table. Studying the small figures that had been placed over the map was suddenly a far more appealing option than looking at the rest of them and wondering how much they knew.

"Scouts have begun clearing a path to Therinfal Redoubt but so far none have actually been able to get overly close," Cullen began. By the sound of his voice Aleksia knew he had not raised his head to speak.

"My people haven't even managed so much as a glance into what is actually taking place over there. We will be going in blind," Leliana added with her usual confidence although there was a level of concern to her tone.

"That is why we are securing alliances with a number of noble houses," Josephine said. "So the Herald won't be going in alone and because it will be much more difficult for Lord Seeker Lucius to ignore the Inquisition if we have a show of power."

"If it is a trap we will be sending the Herald right into their hands, alliances or not" Cullen said forcefully, his voice projecting further. Aleksia looked up to see that his eyes were on her. Whatever he might have thought about her actions, if he even knew about them, his concern for her well being was still evident. As she studied him closer he looked away but not before she had seen the pain in his expression. It tugged at her in a way that she couldn't explain even to herself. There were beads of sweat lining his forehead, her brow furrowed with a concern of her own before her attention was drawn elsewhere.

"What choice do we have?" Cassandra chimed in. "Without support the breach remains. Doing whatever is necessary to change that has to be our priority."

"Cassandra is right. We need to focus on the larger picture before we run out of time. The longer the breach remains, the larger the threat becomes to everyone. Josephine, how much success have you had?" Aleksia asked as she turned her focus from the whole group to Josephine.

"Well," Josephine hesitated for a moment before pressing forwards with her report. "Three of the Six noble houses that had offered an alliance pulled out first thing this morning. I estimate we will need at least ten on our side to be effective."

"Wait, why would they agree to an alliance and then-" Leliana started but was cut off as Aleksia interrupted.

"Because of me.." She mused out loud.

"It would seem as if the Herald's recent, dalliance was not favourable with some. Particularly given that whilst she is of noble descent the umm object of her attention was not," Josephine explained.

The heat began to rise to Aleksia's cheeks again, it had been beyond foolish to think that she would not be noticed. It was increasingly obvious that whatever freedoms she had thought herself to have were only an illusion even now. "Whatever assistance is required to secure further alliances, you will have my full cooperation." She said to Josephine with a quiet voice.

"Well it would be of help if you withheld any further interacti-" Josephine began before Aleksia cut her off.

"That won't be an issue," she said shortly.

"So you and the Grey Warden aren't-" Josephine started saying.

"No." Aleksia replied, "Not that my personal life is anyone else's business."

"Of course not. My apologies Herald." Josephine responded quickly.

"Are we done here?" Aleksia asked. Silently she was willing them to say yes, she had suffered enough embarrassment for one morning even if she had brought it upon herself.

"I believe so. Unless anyone else has anything further to add?" Josephine asked as she addressed them all. On receiving headshakes from each of them the meeting was quickly drawn to a close. Aleksia knew she would be spending the morning with Josephine working to secure the alliances they needed to move in on Therinfal Redoubt. Her only hope was that she hadn’t completely ruined their chances.

Cullen had been so quick leaving the meeting that Aleksia hadn't even managed to ask him if he was alright. He had certainly looked ill to her during the meeting. On missing that opportunity she had intended to check up on him later but as it had turned out time didn't favor that option either. Her entire day was filled with assisting Josephine and securing what alliances they could. By the time they were done it was well past dark, she was tired and her voice felt as if it would never recover from so much talking. At least they had the ten houses they needed, that meant the following day the team she had chosen would be leaving for Therinfal Redoubt. When she went back to her cabin for some much needed rest, the two guards took their place on either side of her door as they always did. The only difference to previous nights was that Drake wasn't one of the two.


	18. Chapter 18

The journey to Therinfal Redoubt and back again had taken them a little over four weeks. The events that had unfolded when they arrived where the kinds of events that changed people, there was no way to endure a situation such as that without coming out different. Even Vivienne and Sera had curved their bickering on the way back to Haven and Blackwall had taken a more protective stance over the group. At least they had been spared the fade, Aleksia thought as her mind replayed some of what had taken place. Seeing what fate would befall the Inquisition should the demon have succeeded was her burden to bear alone. Those scenes, and others from their journey’s now took their place within the nightmares that woke her far more often throughout the nights then she would ever care to admit.

Although she was very much looking forward to a tub of hot water to soak away weeks of dirt and grime she wasn't looking forward to what would be coming. A decision had to be made on the spot to give the remaining Templars a new direction. During the time they had been forced to work together to defeat the envy demon she had developed a small amount of respect for those she had fought alongside. However, they were Templars and in part responsible for what had happened she still didn't really trust them. To Aleksia giving the Templars their freedom as allies wasn't an option she even wanted to consider, so she had disbanded the order and conscripted them. To work with the Inquisition and help close the breach they were required to give up the Templar order and work under the Inquisitions banner. It was as close to destroying the Templars once and for all as she could get and those who remained would be where they could be watched, closely.

The moment they were back in Haven those who had taken the journey scattered quickly, heading in all directions. Most likely to clean up and rest, which were the only two items on Aleksia’s agenda at that moment. At least that was until the Herald found herself met at the gates by a messenger.

"Seeker Cassandra said you must be summoned to the war room, at once." The messenger said with haste.

Aleksia didn't even want to think about what was in her dark hair as she ran a hand through it. "So much for getting cleaned up," she mumbled under her breath. "They certainly didn't waste any time," she said to the messenger, who agreed with her because he was too timid for anything else. Right afterwards he scrambled away as fast as he could. She couldn't really blame the runners for always looking so frightened, how many times had they delivered news people didn't want to hear and worn the brunt of retaliations she wondered.

As she reached the path that lead towards her cabin, Aleksia paused. It was extremely tempting to make them wait. To at least go and get herself cleaned up first. She let out a long sigh before continuing on towards the Chantry. Best to get the drama out of the way first and then relax.

As Aleksia approached the war room the door was already partially open, she could hear the raised voices from inside. "Perhaps we should wait until the Herald arrives and at least hear what she has to say first?" She heard Cassandra ask.

"Does it matter?" Cullen's voice came filtering out the door just as Aleksia was about to open it the rest of the way. On hearing the anger in his tone she paused and listened. "What was she thinking making a decision like that without even consulting us first?"

The Herald, that was who she needed to be at that moment. As much as she detested the title and all that came with it. If they were to have a chance of making it out of that meeting any time soon as opposed to spending the next four hours arguing, she needed to stay calm. On taking a deep breath she pushed the door open the rest of the way, held her head up and started speaking, "She was thinking that the entire Templar command structure had just been decimated by an Envy demon. The men who were left needed direction. If we left them there without giving them that who knows what might have happened?"

"You disbanded the entire order." Cullen said with frustration as he ran his fingers through his hair. Aleksia had to admit, as she turned her attention in his direction, he looked stressed. They all did. She also couldn't hold back the images that sprang to her mind almost instantly when she saw him. The fade had forced her to watch a possessed Leliana slicing Cullen’s throat open, seeing him again whole and so full of life was a far more welcomed sight than she was willing to admit. It also reminded her of how haunting the image had been at the time and how it was one of those memories that now replayed in her dreams.

"There has been red lyrium circulating the command structure, who knows how widespread it is? Even Varric has no idea what the effects of actually ingesting it is or how fast it works. The risk was too high." Aleksia said defensively.

"Taking on Allies would have been preferable." Josephine added.

Aleksia held back a sigh and kept her attention on Cullen, "You have your Templars Commander. What happens with them now is up to you and the Inquisition. It was the right choice to make."

"There are a team of veterans coming ahead of the rest to help seal the breach." Cassandra added. As Aleksia looked over at her, the Seekers expression was difficult to read.

"Then as soon as they arrive we need to begin preparations for the final push. That is what we should be focusing on. Now if you will all excuse me I would finally like to get cleaned up," Without even waiting for any further responses she was about to march straight back out of the room when suddenly Cole appeared on the table.

Leliana, Cassandra and Cullen all snapped to attention drawing weapons on him.

"Wait!" Aleksia exclaimed quickly as she turned back to them. "Relax, Cole is a friend. He helped me at Therinfal." Each of them put their weapons away in turn but they all seemed to remain on alert. Even she had to admit, appearing out of no where probably wasn’t the best entrance Cole could have made.

"I can make you forget." Cole responded as he stepped down off the war table.

"Is that... A demon?" Asked Cassandra as she took a couple more steps backwards.

"I think, he is a spirit." Aleksia responded. "Cole, what is it you want? Why did you follow me back here?"

"Spirits, demons. What is the difference?" Cullen mumbled mostly to himself.

"So many minds, loud, crying, painful," Cole said as he paced the room and then came to a stop in front of Aleksia. "I can help. I want to help. Your mind is too loud. Knives cutting into flesh. Blood on the floor. So much pain, blinding, can't think. Stop it hurts. It wasn't your fault."

Aleksia's face went pale as she stepped back from Cole, how could he have known that when they drew their weapons the sound reminded her of him? She wanted to let Cole stay, she knew Solas would be very interested in speaking with him but just how dangerous might it be to allow him to dig into the depths of her mind? Perhaps a little too dangerous, but then again what if he was right and he could help? Aleksia had a feeling she might come to regret the decision later but she could probably change her mind if he became too much of a problem. She thought it was better that than to risk disappointing Solas again if she didn't need to.

She spoke with a quiet voice, "Alright Cole, you can stay. For now."

~~~~~~~~

As he neared the clearing light snow was falling, the sky had darkened threatening a heavier fall to come. Given that everyone had been working overtime and then some, himself included Cullen had decided to call it a day slightly earlier than normal. The painful aching headaches had been almost constant over the past weeks as had the nightmares that plagued his sleep. At least the cooler air outside helped to ease the pain. Even with the wind increasing and howling through the trees he could still hear the voices up ahead with reasonable clarity.

"You are spending too much time on the offensive, if you don't focus on your defense then the fight is already lost." As he concentrated on the first voice, Cullen recognised Solas' tone. He knew Cassandra had been reluctant to allow the Elf's assistance, at the time he too had been suspicious of both Solas and his offer. Now here he was, hiding out amongst the trees engaged in combat training with someone. That he thought was worth investigating, to his knowledge Solas’ had not been given authorisation for combat training any recruits. Not even the apostates that Aleksia had bought in to the Inquisition herself.

A second person scoffed and then sighed, "It's useless. You are always going to break through my defense's considering you have had a million more years of practice than I have." He didn't even have to concentrate on that voice to know Aleksia was speaking. At least it suddenly made more sense. Solas wasn’t just training a random recruit, he was training Aleksia. Cullen had thought her increase in skills came from her time spent on the field. Now he knew she had in fact gone to someone else for training. What he found frustrating was just how much that knowledge bothered him.

"I don't always break through, not any more. Only when you're not concentrating," said Solas' voice, louder as Cullen came closer to the location they must have been at.

"You're right. I'm not focused today." It was Aleksia's voice again, from what Cullen could hear she sounded tired.

"Perhaps we should end it here for today and try again tomorrow." Solas' said calmly. Cullen thought he could also detect a hint of concern there. As he made it to the edge of the tree line he hesitated, remaining out of sight.

"That is probably for the best, I am sorry for being a difficult student today," Aleksia responded with an apologetic tone.

"Just try not to make it a habit," Cullen could hear what sounded like Solas sheathing his staff behind his back.

"I will do my best. Solas, do you mind if I stop by later? I think I could use a friendly ear. The events at Therinfal where... difficult." There was hesitation in her voice, like she wanted to talk to someone but she wasn't sure. It seemed that she didn’t only go to Solas for training, but also as a confident as well. That bothered Cullen even more, what was it about Solas that made him easier to talk to? He wished he hadn’t spent so much time hoping, one day, she might lower her defenses and let him in.

"Of course not. My door is always open." As Cullen heard footsteps departing he risked a glance. Solas was headed back towards Haven but Aleksia had perched herself on a rock and seemed to be in no hurry to leave even though the snowfall was slowly increasing.

He hesitated for a moment and then approached her carefully, although not quietly. He thought sneaking up on her wouldn't be the best approach. As he spoke his tone was wary despite trying to keep it even, "Herald?"

He noticed the almost instant tensing of her shoulders. It happened every time he was near her. That was one of the other things that frustrated him. As Drake she was always at ease with him but as himself she instantly went on the defensive and he had no idea how to change that. Or even if he should.

"Commander, what brings you out this way?" She asked after a slight pause, almost as if she was carefully choosing her words. Her head was tilted upwards with her eyes studying the tree's and perhaps the sky beyond. Light snowflakes melted as soon as they touched her warmer skin leaving droplets scattered over her face. There was a slight pink flush to her cheeks that was most likely caused by both training and the cold air. Whenever he watched her there was just something about her that made it difficult for him to look away.

"I was just out for a walk. The men were all exhausted so I let them off early," he answered.

"Lucky for them. I hope they enjoy it, I know most have earned a break," Aleksia added whilst still looking up at the tree line.

"Especially since it seems as if the weather is going to turn. I umm heard voices and thought I would see if everything was okay. Would you like some company? If not I can continue walking..." He let his voice trail off. He mostly expected her to decline and either leave or say she wanted to be left alone.

Aleksia turned her head slowly, as their eyes met she raised hers slightly. "Well... that may depend on what kind of flag you're waving."

"A white one, I swear," Cullen responded, placing a hand over his chest for emphasis.

"Alright Commander. I'll see your white flag and raise you a truce. I can't offer a chair but this rock is surprisingly comfortable if you would like to sit down." As she slid over to make sure there was enough room, the tension in her posture seemed to relax somewhat.

When Cullen sat down on the rock beside her his heart rate involuntarily increased. It was strange finding himself alone with her, even if it was only partially away from the activities of Haven and the Inquisition. He was also more than a little concerned that whatever conversation they had might just as easily end like all the others had so far, with hostility.

"You seem well, compared to when you left. Are you feeling better?" He asked and then silently chided himself for asking the obvious for want of anything better, or perhaps safer, to say.

"I am, mostly." Aleksia answered as she looked back up at the tree's, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, what's on your mind?" He asked as he also looked up at the tree line. He couldn't for the life of him figure out what was so fascinating about a bunch of snow covered tree's, unless it was simply her way of avoiding eye contact.

"Do you still think I should have been sent to face trial for what happened at the conclave even now?" She asked with a quiet voice. There he thought was that vulnerability in her that in a way was far too powerful for the hold it held over him.

"No, I don't and I didn't even the day you overheard my conversation with Roderick. He had been hounding me for over an hour. At that point I would have said anything just to shut him up. I didn't know you were nearby..." Cullen pressed his lips together as he thought back to all the events in those early days. What he wasn't going to tell her was that the deciding vote had been his, if he had wanted her in prison she would have been. Instead he had defended her and voted for her remaining. Not because of the mark on her hand but because he had seen something else in her and also had known her actions against the recruit had been purely defensive. His only hope was that his instincts had been correct.

"What happens after the breach has been sealed? Assuming I am able to. I mean I won't really be needed any more..." Aleksia's attention moved away from the tree's as she looked downwards and started fiddling with the sleeves on her robes absently.

"You're worried that the Inquisition will have no need of you after you close the breach?" Cullen watched as she rubbed her marked hand, the glow was only just barely visible. Most probably wouldn't have noticed it unless they were looking specifically.

"The circles are all I have known, right up until we left for the conclave. I heard the stories of what happened afterwards, I know they are all gone now including Ostwick. I think it was the last one to fall. I stepped right out of the circles and into the Inquisition beyond that..." Her voice trailed off as she finally turned her attention away from the tree’s to look at him. After Leliana's investigation he knew far more about her then he probably should have, all it took was finding one diary amongst what was left at Ostwick. At that moment she seemed both scared and lost and really he couldn’t blame her. He imagined there must be a great many mages out there in a similar position, wondering what to do with themselves without the circles. The desire to reach over and touch her, to comfort her, was almost overwhelming. He couldn't but more than anything he wanted to.

_Don't ever touch me._

He hadn't forgotten her words, it had been different when she was sick and unconscious. Someone had to do something then so he had helped her but she wasn't sick now. He would have to be far more certain of her before he would even make such an attempt again. Unless, he could give her an option.

Cullen jumped down off the rock and held a hand out to her, "Come with me. I want to show you something."

Aleksia raised her eyebrows slightly at the gesture from him. Last time he had offered her a hand, she had ignored it. This time however she carefully reached over to place hers in his. When their hands connected, Cullen let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Her skin was slightly rough, most likely from hours of holding a wooden staff and her palm felt icy cold from the snowfall. He closed his fingers around her hand and helped her down from the rock. For a moment it actually felt as if her hand was becoming colder. When her feet touched the ground Aleksia was standing right in front of him and as their eyes met Cullen thought he could see the hint of a smile. She was close enough that he could smell a faint floral scent from her damp hair and if he just raised his other hand to her face he could have wiped away the droplets of water that had formed on her cheeks from the snow.

"So, where are we going?" Aleksia asked as she slowly extracted her hand from his.

Cullen cleared his throat and took a step backwards, her voice had interrupted his thoughts "Uh. The Inn actually." He gestured in the direction of Haven.

"The Inn? Are you asking me to dinner Commander?" She asked sounding a little amused but then she hesitated as Cullen started walking. "I am not so sure that's such a good idea.."

  
"Please... Just trust me. You will see when we get there," he said as he paused, waiting to see if she would catch up with him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last repost Chapter.. The next is a new one!!

"Some Templars like to hurt Mages but others are softer, like Cullen, and remember that Mages are people too."

It was Cole's words from an earlier conversation that had been on Aleksia's mind when Cullen approached her in the clearing. At first, her reaction had been involuntary, the tensing of her muscles always happened when she knew a Templar was nearby. Relaxing them again afterwards had taken reminding herself that she needed to learn how to trust some people again. A feat that wasn't easy when one's nightmares continued to remind them of past betrayals.

When Cullen had jumped down from the rock and offered her his hand, Aleksia had been surprised. It wasn't something she had expected him to try again so soon, if ever. It took a little self reminder of Cole's words for her to reach over to him. After training with Solas all afternoon but not using magic, her abilities were at their highest. The magic was simmering right there under the surface. When she touched his hand the connection was stronger than she had expected. For just a moment, until she got it under control, it had bubbled over threatening the release of an ice spell. To prevent a loss of that control she had carefully extracted her hand from his, silently chiding herself for reacting to him at all.

The most interesting part of the entire encounter had been as she stepped down from the rock. Her eyes were watching his and as she moved, her body cast a shadow over his face. The shadow made his eyes darker. In that moment she found herself not looking into Cullen's eyes but Drake's. Suddenly it all made sense, perhaps even more than she wanted it to. It felt as if a thousand thoughts had started a race in her mind to see which would be the one to surface first. The only way she could slow them was to focus on the one thing, whatever it was that Cullen wanted to show her. Aleksia bit back the first words that had sprung to her mind the moment she realised his deception. Just once she intended to have all of her thoughts well worked out _before_ she had that particular discussion with him.

As they drew near the Inn's door Cullen came to a stop and turned to face her. The look in his eye's almost made her feel a little uncomfortable. She had seen it before a few times but only ever when he was looking at her. Now that she knew about him, Drake had also given her that same look. Aleksia shifted as her heart rate quickened. It was an involuntary reaction to _him_ that created far more complications than she was ready to deal with.

"So, why the Inn specifically?" She asked. It was easier to focus on what was happening in the moment. It allowed her to push everything else away.

"You will see and when you do, just remember that you did this." Cullen replied as he opened the Inn door and stepped aside so Aleksia could go inside first.

It was almost a relief to be indoors again with the warmth. Outside the snowfall had increased considerably and the winds that came with it had been cutting right through her robes. Her nose was greeted by the smell of freshly cooked stews. At the front counter both Varric and Sera were serving up steaming bowls to a line of people. Almost all of the tables and chairs were filled and those that occupied them looked content as they ate. Over the general noise of a filled room, snippets of conversations stood out. Mostly comments about how she had arranged a menu and jobs for those who needed them. So that's what Cullen had been talking about. She did this by helping those people. By having the Inquisition help them. As she turned to speak to him, Aleksia realised that he was no longer there. Whilst she had been taking in the sights Cullen had slipped away unnoticed.

In a way it was probably for the best. It was the first conversation they'd had that did not end in an argument. If he had remained, she probably would have ended up finding a way to mess that up. Even so her shoulders drooped a little as she turned her attention back to the Tavern. Cassandra had joined both Varric and Sera in handing out meals to the others. Aleksia had to admit, she was surprised to even see Cassandra in the Inn at all. As she neared the front counter, the scowl on the faces of both Varric and Cassandra was more noticeable and yet Sera seemed to be rather enjoying herself. The three of them were a rather unlikely team, Aleksia found herself becoming more curious as to how it came about that all of them were working together at all.  
  
With a slight hitch of her eyebrows, she looked at each of them. "So, who lost what then?"  
  
Sera chuckled as she handed a bowl over to the next person in line, "Well, Varric is shite at cards... Who would have thought? Talks big, but loses."  
  
"Varric lost, to you?" Aleksia said with an amused tone whilst watching Sera.  
  
"Has to do what I say, one whole day." Sera said with a smug tone.  
  
"I could have done without the reminder," Varric grumbled.  
  
"What about you then?" Aleksia asked as she looked at Cassandra who so far had remained rather quiet and particularly focused on her task. It was almost as if she was avoiding the conversation entirely.  
  
Varric’s expression turned from a scowl to one of his own amusement, "The Seeker lost a bet and that’s all I am going to say."  
  
"You know for a writer you seem to have a lot of stories you refuse to tell." Aleksia commented.  
  
"I don’t think he needs any more encouragement," Cassandra added. "He already writes and says far more than he should."

"Well, you two may not be impressed but…" Aleksia glanced over her shoulder for a moment towards the rest of the Inn. "Everyone else seems to be happy."  
  
"I have to admit, it was a good idea," Cassandra said as she focused on Aleksia for a moment. "There were many who needed something to focus on. Settling them into specific tasks has done that and now they also have meals to look forward to."  
  
"That and the big people are serving the little people, even if it’s only for a day." Sera added as she put some more stew in to the next bowl. "That should earn about a week, maybe more of good vibes an' all that."

Varric set a bowl down in front of Aleksia, "You look as if you could use a good meal yourself. Dig in while it's hot."

"Thanks Varric," she said distracted as she noticed the guard change over taking place. A pair of very familiar eyes peered in her direction from behind his armor.

Varric glanced in the direction Aleksia was looking, "Maybe you should go and talk to him."

She shook her head and looked back at Varric, "I already scared him off guard duty once. Some things are best left be." For a moment, she wondered if Varric knew it was Cullen behind that helmet. The others as well. Was it possible she had been the only one who didn't know?

"What have you got to lose?" Varric tried again.

She looked over to see that Cassandra and Sera were both busy up the other end of the counter serving out meals. She was beginning to regret having confided in Varric during the last trip but he was so easy to talk to. Aleksia turned her attention back to him and lowered her voice, "You know, don't you?"

"I know you would have to be pretty blind not to see that he is crazy about you," Varric responded with rather than answering her question.

"Was it your idea or Cullen's?" Her eyes narrowed as she continued to watch him.

Varric sighed, "I might have suggested the accent as a way of keeping a Templar guard near you without you knowing. I thought it might be a good way for you to get to know each other without-"

"Varric you have no idea what you are dealing with, or what you have done. None. You are very lucky this Inn is full of people right now," Aleksia hissed as she cut him off.

"There's no reason to be like that. You weren't going to ever give him a chance the way you were going." He said defensively. Aleksia could see that his heart had been in the right place, or so he thought but that didn't change anything.

She clenched her hands in her lap before pushing the stool backwards as she stood up, "Next time you get it in your head to try and help someone. Do them a favor and don't." One day... One day they might know everything but for the time being she wasn't about to tell them. The last thing her friends needed was to get mixed up in her problems. She wasn't going to help them do it.

As she passed Drake, no Cullen, on her way out of the Inn. He reached out an armored hand and touched her arm to get her attention. "Herald, are you alright?" He asked in that heavily accented voice.

"You can drop the accent Cullen," she replied without stopping.

"Maker's breath," he mumbled behind his helmet. He must have followed her out because his next words had come from not far behind. "You're mad then. Is that it?"

Aleksia sighed and slowed her pace just enough for him to catch up with her. "No... Maybe... I don't know and right now I don't have time to figure it out," her tone was calmer than she expected it to be. At that moment she was in the perfect position to push him away again. Keeping him at a distance is what she needed to do. He was the one who stood to be hurt if she didn't. When she thought he was Drake he could have been anyone under that helmet but now... Now she knew the truth it changed everything.

Cullen stopped in his tracks, right in front of Aleksia so that she had little choice but to stop as well. She made an attempt to sidestep him but he moved into her path again. He reached up and unsnapped his helmet. As he lifted it up her breath caught in the back of her throat as her eyes rested on Cullen's face. Maker knew she should have looked away but the falling snow was landing softly on the ends of his blonde hair. The gentle yet intense expression in his eyes. The scar on his lip that slightly curled it upwards. Everything about him was mesmerising. Her eyes refused to look away. Her heart thrummed in her ears so loudly that it was a wonder he couldn't hear it. It was one thing to know Drake and Cullen were the same person and entirely another to actually see it so clearly. He was like the heat against the snow. She was melting and felt powerless to stop it.

Aleksia could see he was watching her closely. His lips curled upwards into a smile that made her bite her lower lip to hold back any thoughts that crept into her mind. She couldn't. It didn't matter what she felt or what she wanted. There was a letter in a small box in her cabin that she received on her eighteenth birthday that said it all. Her life had never been her own, tranquility would have been preferable. A gruff voice spoke up from behind that snapped her back to reality.

"Ah, the Lady Herald. Just the person I was looking for." Blackwall said in that calm way that he did. The three of them must have looked a sight standing out in the open under the increasing snowfall. Aleksia couldn't help but notice the darkening of Cullen's expression as he glanced in Blackwall's direction. Or the fact that his smile had quickly vanished.

"Sir Blackwall," she said in greeting as she turned to face him. A smile set on her lips that she didn't really feel but felt the need to offer all the same. What she could feel was Cullen's eyes on her. Now was her chance to break away without making it awkward, or at least not too much so. "I have been meaning to come and see you as well. However the time to do so has not presented itself since my return."

"Do you have the time now?" Blackwall asked with an unreadable expression as he looked over at Cullen and then back to her.

"As it turns out, I do." She replied, ignoring the look Cullen gave her. He was clearly not impressed with the interruption at all. Aleksia suspected even more so with who it was that had been the cause. "If you will excuse us Commander?"

Cullen was left with little choice but to nod and mumble, "Of course," Under his breath. He stepped aside so that Aleksia and Blackwall could continue past him in the direction of her cabin.

~~~~~~~~

The apology to Blackwall for her behaviour that night in her cabin had been uncomfortable but necessary. She also needed to make sure he knew she didn't mean anything by it. He seemed to have taken it all well enough as he had been his usual polite self. Allowing Blackwall's interruption had also provided her with the means to avoid Cullen again. The first time she had even caught a glimpse of him again had been as they were all gathered to leave the next day for the final push towards the breach.

  
_That_ had her more than a little nervous. Not only was she unsure if she could even close that huge hole in the sky. She also had to rely on a group of Templars to have her back _while_ she did it. There simply was not enough mages in the Inquisition to provide the back-up. Knowing Cullen would be there with them might have provided a little extra comfort if she knew she would succeed. Instead it only added to the concerns she had that she would not. Maker knew what kind of horrors might descend upon them all if she were to fail with him right there as part of the front lines. Failure was not an option, even if it took everything she had. Every last breath, Maker willing she would see that thing closed for eternity.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!!
> 
> Enjoy the read :) Feel free to drop me a line at any time, I love hearing from people.

The snowfall from the night before made the trip up the mountains to the breach more treacherous than it otherwise would have been. Loose snow above threatened the release of avalanches. Thick snow underfoot made each step a strain on aching leg muscles. In the end each member of the team arrived safely at their destination. The Templars were ushered into position after only a small break. Given the fact that the journey had already taken longer than they intended, there was already a high chance of not making it back to Haven before nightfall.

The closer they had moved towards the breach, the brighter the mark on Aleksia's hand became. It was the pain that constantly pierced through her palm and shot up along her arm that created the largest problem. Not that she was one to complain or even mention what she felt at all. It must have shown itself on her face once or twice because, despite his attempts to avoid her during their travels, Aleksia caught a concerned glance from Cullen now and then.

Right above her head the sky swirled with various shades of green. It was a rift that made all the others seem tiny by comparison. With the Templars all in place and her hand burning with raw magical power, it took all of her effort to hold it back until the order was given. It gave her that one last moment to push the remaining nerves away and focus on closing the breach. She had no choice but to work with the templars who now surrounded her, to draw upon the extra power that they would provide. With the final nod from Cassandra she raised her hand towards the sky. The magic that sprung forth felt like nothing she had ever experienced before. It was more refined and pure. It was far stronger than any of her other spells combined. She draw in the raw power of lyrium from the Templars and it _felt_ as if it were flowing directly through her veins to her hand. It twisted her stomach into a nauseating knot. Her entire body felt as if it were alight with magical power as it flowed through her, reached out from the mark on the palm of her hand and hit the breach dead centre. She shook from the tips of her toes to the end of her fingers, straining to maintain the level of magical power needed to keep the sides of the breach closing in on itself. Her body was aching, like it was screaming from the inside as she fought against the desire to give in to exhaustion. Just as the walls of green swirls finally gave way, Aleksia collapsed to her knees gasping for air and everything went dark.

~~~~~~~~

By the time she had regained consciousness, Aleksia had found herself back in her cabin in Haven. Mother Giselle had been tasked with watching over her and for the most part it seemed as if she had done a reasonable job of it. From outside came the sounds of cheerful voices, crackling fires and even singing. Well, mostly drunken singing. From what she could tell it sounded as if most everyone from Haven had gathered to celebrate the successful closure of the breach. Aleksia was quick to send Mother Giselle on her way again and the woman although meaning well, really got on her nerves at times. She needed a few moments to herself before even considering joining the festivities. Now with the breach closed she finally had time to breathe and to think. As she glanced into the small mirror Josephine had placed in her cabin, she could just hear Vivian's voice in her head telling her how badly she needed to use herbs to cover the dark rings under her eyes. Maybe she should, to keep up appearances, but she wasn't going to. They could insist on calling her the Herald all they wanted to however, they were going to see she was just as imperfect as everyone else.

The biggest question was what to do next. Would she remain with the Inquisition and help in whatever goals they had next or run as far away from all of it as she could? Running would also distance herself from whatever was happening between her and Cullen. That needed to happen one way or another. She let out a long sigh and glanced towards the door of her cabin, putting in an appearance wasn't really going to be optional. Not that she had ever actually celebrated anything in her life before or even really had any idea _how_ to. Aleksia carefully opened the door to her cabin and peered outside, at least the path there seemed to be clear. With any luck she could sneak her way over relatively unnoticed.

She followed the sounds of music and laughter to the main path in Haven. People were scattered all over and extra fires had been lit. Thankfully at least most everyone seemed to be intent on what they were doing and paid little mind of one extra person surveying the scene. It didn't take her long to locate Solas who was standing off to one side, mostly away from the main festivities. She followed her way around the outside of the crowds and took up a place beside him. "I see I am not the only one here who would have preferred a quiet night," she said quietly.

"No," he responded easily, a frown appeared on his forehead as he observed the drunken antics of some soldiers by one of the fires.

"How does one 'celebrate' anyway?" She asked.

"It would appear that vast amounts of alcohol is involved. I think perhaps even the fade is less dangerous," Solas said with a hint of humour in his tone.

"I have a feeling you could be right," she added just as one of the more drunken patrons only barely stopped himself from tumbling into a fire.

They stood side by side in comfortable silence for a time. As Aleksia was scanning the crowds she spotted Cullen with a couple of the Templars who had assisted them at the breach. They appeared to be deep in conversation and sharing a few drinks. The fire's dancing flames almost made him appear as if he were glowing, the way the orange hues reflected off his blonde hair was almost mesmerising. Her eyes traveled over his face, his eyes flashed with the flickering light. There was a smile in them at something one of his companions had said, she realised he didn't smile nearly often enough.

His lips parted as he spoke, curving the corner of his mouth where his scar was, they were full and firm looking. She found herself wondering how they would feel against hers. He was a warrior so most likely his actions would be firm, he also wouldn't want to cause any harm so there would be a gentleness about him at the same time. Her heart rate increased just _thinking_ about the warmth of his body near her. If Blackwall had not interrupted when he did she may very well have found out what his lips felt like. As she realised the direction of her thoughts and the danger of them her eyes lifted and she found them meeting his. At some point he must have noticed she was there because he was looking right at her. Aleksia's cheeks flushed with embarrassment at having allowed her thoughts to wander in the direction they had. Unspoken words passed between them before she could draw her eyes away, it was almost as if he knew what she had been thinking.

By the time she looked up again he had turned and all she could see was the back of his head. She let out a slow sigh of relief. It was the slight hitch of Solas' eyebrows as she turned her attention back to her companion that surprised her.

"I have heard the Commander is quite approachable, you could try talking as opposed to staring. I believe it works better," the words had come from Solas but they couldn't have because he didn't pry into such things. He was the tall silent type who offered quiet companionship leaving her thoughts to herself and yet, he did just break the silence. The knowing look he gave her was, unsettling.

"It's complicated," she mumbled under her breath, expecting that Solas would drop the subject as he always did if she didn't wish to pursue it.

"Everything is complicated, including the massive breach in the sky that you just closed. However, you still did it," he said carefully. It was the way he often spoke, as if he was considering each word carefully and only saying what was important.

"If it wasn't sealed, people would have been hurt," Aleksia took in a deep breath. What she was about to say would be an admission that had not been voiced. It would make it _real_. She couldn't, but perhaps a hint would be enough. "He would only stand to be hurt, he deserves better."

"I don't believe the breach will be the end of this. The elder one you spoke of, you have disrupted his plans twice now. You need to surround yourself with those who make you stronger, to be prepared." His tone was serious and his voice was firm. What she couldn't figure out was, what did being prepared have to do with Cullen?

"I have no idea what one has to do with the other but, I can say this. I am promised to someone, it was arranged from birth. When my magic was discovered it was thought that the arrangement would be invalid. However, on my eighteenth name day I received a letter stating that the union would go ahead, if I was to find myself legitimately free of the circle and if he was still unwed. He isn't just _any_ noble, he is a highly regarded political figure, to deny the union would create political chaos for both families. A nightmare even Josephine most likely could not repair." She paused for a moment before continuing, "he is Thadeus Cousland, the Hero of Ferelden and he is supposedly arriving in two weeks."

"You wouldn't be the first one to enter into a political marriage and have a lover on the side," Solas said far easier than Aleksia would have even thought him capable of when suggesting such a thing.

"He deserves better than that," she stated for the second time and he did, a relationship based on infidelity was not something he should ever have to deal with nor was it something she would ever do.

"Perhaps you should allow him to make that decision," he said quietly. Aleksia had already turned her attention back to the festivities and to Cullen. Just as she went to turn and give Solas another protest she noticed he was already gone.

What in the maker's name was that all about?

If there was one thing she knew about Solas it was the fact that he said very little unless he had a reason. What possible reason could he have for trying to push her in Cullen's direction?

Before she could even finish asking herself that question, her feet had already seemed to have a mind of their own. She was heading straight in Cullen's direction. What was she doing? She knew she was still angry over his deception but the anger wouldn't form into words. No doubt that would change once they were face to face, that was how it always worked wasn't it? She would have an apology set but then anger would follow.

Cullen must have felt her eyes on him because he turned before she could reach the fire. His eyebrows raised in question, was she heading in that direction to speak to him or someone else in the general vicinity? She must have somehow answered his question without words because she could hear him excuse himself from the company of his companions before he closed the gap between them.

"Do you have a moment?" She asked quietly. Well, as quiet as was possible over the bard who was playing the lute nearby.

"I do. Although I am surprised you haven't been mugged by now," he said easily with a hint of humour in his eyes.

"It would appear everyone is too busy with their own celebrations. Or too drunk." She responded lightly with a smile.

"Most likely both. We should find somewhere a little less... loud," he said over the increasing sound of drunken singing.

Aleksia only nodded in response as trying to speak over the noise had become pointless. She followed him down the path towards the chantry and they came to a stop near the tent Leliana often used for work, the number of people had thinned greatly with the bulk closer to the Haven gates. Although the sounds carried it was far easier to speak without having to raise their voices.

As they turned to face each other, they both started speaking at the same time. They also both stopped at the same time the moment they realised what had happened and started laughing.

Aleksia spoke again as their eyes met, she became acutely aware of the fact that there was not much space between them, "Let me go first, before I find a way to mess it up again."

"I am not entirely blameless," he said before she could say any more. When he was laughing she noticed that his eyes looked so much softer but, now there was an intensity about them and something more. A sadness and pain that ran deeper than what was on the surface.

Her hand twitched and it took all of her effort not to reach for him. Not to try in some way to wipe away the pain. This was a mistake, she shouldn't have gone over to talk with him, to put herself back in temptations reach. She had however, it was too late to change that. Now she needed to speak before silence lingered into awkwardness. Aleksia was completely lost for words, she never lost them. She had lashed out in anger when she shouldn't have, she had put people at ease in her presence but, losing her words? That was an entirely new and uncomfortable experience.

"I.. just," and then they came to her all in a rush. "I just wanted to thank you for encouraging me to go to the Inn last night. I really did appreciate the sentiment. You were right. I don't know if I will be staying with the Inquisition but I do realise now there could be a place here for me."

"I hope you do stay," he said quickly and just as quickly corrected his meaning. "F-for the Inquisition. It would be losing a good member if you don't."

"I am also sorry for leaving last night before we had a chance to talk." The words were just tumbling out, she _needed_ to stop them but her mouth wouldn't oblige. "I wanted to avoid getting into another heated argument, not when I finally managed to get through a conversation with you without turning it into one." _Shut up! Stop talking. You can't do this._ She did manage to stop her mouth from saying anything more but, it was already too late. She could _tell_ by the look in his eyes and the change in his stance as he watched her. They were _simmering_ with heated desire and confidence. The wariness and uncertainty was gone and in its place was someone who knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to take it.

He was closer, too close. She could feel the warmth radiating between them and spreading throughout her body. Her mind was screaming at her to move away but a more powerful need to draw from his strength, to feel his warmth, wouldn't allow her feet to comply. It was all starting to make far too much sense. Her continued hostility towards him had nothing to do with the fact that he had been a Templar, she didn't see in him what she had seen in others. It had everything to do with the fact that she had been drawn to him from that first moment, only one other man had ever made her feel that way before. He was dead because of her. Everyone she had ever cared about was, because she was cursed. Instead of running like she should have been, she found her tongue parting her lips and moistening them.

A hand brushed against her cheek, his thumb extended out to trace the outline of her lips. She trembled involuntarily under his touch. She found herself reaching for his hand and pressing his palm harder against her cheek.

"I want you to stay," he whispered as he leaned his head in closer.

"Cullen, I can-" she started saying before the brush of his lips against hers drowned out the words and caused a sharp intake of breath to replace them. It was such a soft touching of lips that it was almost impossible to tell if they really had connected at all.

  
A sudden bustle of activity broke out at Haven's main gates as they swung open. Words traveled down the line of a Tevinter mage and something about an attack. Words that caused both Cullen and Aleksia to snap apart as the tender moment unfolded into chaos.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter!
> 
> PTSD, Anxiety, Panic Attacks.   
> Please be prepared if you suffer from any of these.

Pain. It was all she could feel and it was blinding. When she blinked her eyes, it was impossible to tell where the pain was even coming from. Everything seemed to hurt and her eyes refused to focus. After a couple more blinks of her eyes the pain shot up her arm. _The mark. It's coming from my hand._

It all came back to her in a frenzy of unwanted memories. The attack on Haven. The dragon, people _screaming_ in agony as they burned. They managed to get a lot of people out, but not everyone. She couldn't save them all.

Mother Giselle was there trying to fuss over her but Aleksia wanted no part of it as she rolled on to her side, turning a back on her. She was clearly right about one thing, everywhere she went destruction followed. She _was_ cursed. If that wasn't bad enough, every time she closed her eyes her mind was assaulted with images of death and destruction. All of the bodies they were lining up after the conclave destruction, the soldiers at Haven who went down to Corypheus's army and the image the fade had shown her of Leliana killing Cullen. The last one was the worst, it had replayed over and over in her dreams since she had come back from Therinfal Redoubt. It reminded her of the dagger that had plunged right through her heart, the day Lucas had been taken from her by the Templars.

After another attempt at fussing over her, Aleksia sent Mother Giselle out of the tent. She really was not in the mood to deal with overly _nice_ , or well, anything really. Outside she could hear raised voices. She couldn't hear what they were saying, only know that they had been at it since the moment she had opened her eyes.

The flaps on the tent parted and Varric stuck his head inside. "Do you want me to smuggle your staff in so you can blast them all apart when they really start brawling?"

Aleksia pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked at him with a smirk, "That's probably the best offer I've had all morning."

He pushed the flap open the rest of the way as he stepped inside, "So what's this I keep hearing about you sending everyone that comes to see you away?"

She swung her legs carefully over the side of the cot to sit up, "None of them offered to bring me a weapon. Blankets, books, cupcakes - no idea how she expected to cook them out here, pillows, a drink, a potion for the pain, no weapon. So you, can stay."

"How are you doing, really?" He asked with concern as he sat down on the cot next to her.

"Was it my imagination or did some bastard, demonic looking human thing with a bad ass dragon just kick our asses and destroy Haven?" She asked as she leaned against his shoulder.

"Yeah, that really happened," Varric said with a solemn expression.

"Well shit. What are we supposed to do next?" Not that she really expected an answer to that question but, Varric wouldn't sit there trying to pretend that everything was fine and going to be fine when it obviously wasn't true.

"I think that's what they are trying to figure out." Varric said as he pointed a thumb towards the tent flap and the direction of an arguing Cassandra, Leliana, Josephine and Cullen.

"So, basically we're screwed," she said with a long weary sigh.

"We really are," he responded with a sigh of his own.

Aleksia smiled and then let out a chuckle, "Thanks Varric."

"Anytime Shorty, you should probably get out there and crack some heads together," he said as he patted her arm before standing again.

~~~~~~~~

It took a little over a week for them to arrive at Skyhold. Aleksia spent the majority of the days at the front lines with Solas, Blackwall and Varric. They kept the path clear of predators to get the civilians through safely. The four of them really did make a good team on the field, although at times she wondered if perhaps both Blackwall and Varric weren't a little too overprotective of her.

Varric because, well that was just Varric and he was protective of his friends. Aleksia loved the evenings around the campfire listening to Varric's crazy tales more than she would ever admit. Mostly because it was fun picking on him for them, and because he knew she wasn't serious about it.

As for Blackwall she wasn't entirely certain of his motives but, she had caught him watching her more than once. It left her feeling a little guilty for having lead him on that night at the Inn. He was a good friend and she did rely on him a lot in battle because, she knew he would have her back. She also relied on him a lot for company as he was often awake late and, her nightmares saw to it that she didn't sleep as much as she should. It led to many hours talking until way after the flames of the camp fire had turned to nothing but embers.

The craziest thing happened after everyone had arrived at Skyhold safely, including those with the civilians who had been about half a day behind the front line team. Cassandra, Leliana and Josephine had all pulled her up to the top of the stairs, in front of _everyone_. They had held a ceremonial sword out to her and asked _her_ to lead their Inquisition. No matter how much she had protested, they insisted no one else could do it. It was the first time she had ever seen them all agree on _anything_. With the hopeful eyes of the entire crowd, including Cullen's, on her she had taken the blasted thing and probably condemned them all to a fate worse than death.

Because she was cursed.

Skyhold itself still needed a lot of work, very few had personal quarters assigned to them until the rooms could be mended. Some tents had been erected in the courtyards and, most everyone else was laying out bedrolls in the main hall at night for sleeping, Aleksia included. She was fine with that until the Templars started arriving. Groups of them at a time over a couple of days, with more still to come.

Her mind was preoccupied as she came out of Josephine's office, they had been working on getting word out that the Inquisition was still very much alive. She had also received word that the Hero of Ferelden would be arriving within a few days. Between that news and Skyhold _crawling_ with Templars, every muscle in her body was in a constant state of tension. Her hand raised to rub the back of her neck as she rounded the corner into the main hall. Just as she turned, she ran head on into a full suit of Templar armor. Aleksia gasped and then froze on the spot. Each and every nerve throughout felt as if it were vibrating her to pieces.

"My apologies Inquisitor," the Templar behind the armor said quickly. "I didn't mean to startle you.

She managed to stammer out something resembling, " Its fine," as her lungs felt as if they were collapsing in on themselves.

Aleksia's head felt light, faint, she _needed_ to get outside into air. Each breath was a short gasp letting in very little oxygen. Somehow she pushed past anyone who was in the path between her and the large doors. She gasped for each breath until, finally, the warmth of the sun above encased her. Even that didn't help, the stairs under her feet looked as if they were swirling in a mass of different patterns, causing her to lean against the stone wall for support.

"Oh dear," Dorian said as he moved up the stairs quickly and to the Inquisitors side. "White is so not your colour."

Aleksia swayed as the world around her threatened to turn to darkness. Dorian managed to grasp her arm before she stumbled on one of the steps, "Now, you don't want to go mixing in red as well. Trust me that wouldn't help to improve things. Perhaps sitting would work better." He guided her down on to a step, with her legs feeling weak she wasn't really in a position to protest. "Now try a deep breath in, and then out," he instructed.

She breathed in a shaky breath, deeper than the short shallow breaths she had been taking. Slowly she let it out again and repeated the process.

Solas spoke from behind the two of them, "What happened?"

"It would appear my charming good looks were a little too much for the Inquisitor here to handle. It's a good thing I am used to people almost falling over me," Dorian responded. Despite his joking there was an obvious air of concern about him.

With Dorian's jokes, the breathing and then Solas appearing just at the right moment, Aleksia was starting to feel a little better. It was only a little but, at least she could breath again. "I am fine," she lied. "I have probably just been over doing it between the trip and helping to get Skyhold in order."

"Perhaps a visit to the healers wouldn't hurt, just to be sure," Dorian suggested.

"Maybe it is a sparing match like the first one in Haven that you require?" Solas asked.

"What I want is for both of you to stop fussing!" Exclaimed Aleksia through gritted teeth. Alone, she just wanted to be left alone. What she really wanted was for all the Templars in their blasted suits to be gone from Skyhold but, that wasn't going to happen because she had been stupid enough to invite the bloody lot of them. "I am going to get some air, _alone_."

She stormed off without looking back. After a few minutes, and tensing as another Templar in full armor walked past her, she realised she had no idea at all where she could go in Skyhold that wasn't crawling with them. Everywhere she looked, they were _all over_. She felt like she was in the grips of a dragons claw crushing her ribs tighter with each suit she saw. The only thing she could do was keep walking. Blindly she stumbled her way through the courtyard, taking in short sharp breaths with darkness threatening to consume her. Aleksia's heart was thrumming in her chest, she needed to breathe but she couldn't make the air reach her lungs properly. The large barn near the stables was in her sights. Surely it would be clear of Templars as it was the stablehands job to care for the horses, no one else would really have need to go in there.

The inside of the barn was empty when she approached. Her mind was her own but at the same time it wasn't, all she could think about was finding a place to escape the suits. Hay bales were stacked near one wall with just enough crawl space to position herself down behind. She crawled right in behind them until she reached the corner and sat with her back up against the wall. Her arms curled around her legs drawing them up to her chest. Trembles vibrated through her entire body and wouldn't stop, even careful breaths didn't stop them.

She was going to fail them all because she couldn't do this.

~~~~~~~~

Cullen took the stairs back down from the tower two at a time. He had already spoken to Cassandra, Josephine and Leliana, none of them had seen the Inquisitor for hours. At first, during the journey to Skyhold and in the days following he had been avoiding her and focusing on work. He knew something had happened between them just prior to the attack on Haven but he didn't know _what_. She also had not appeared to be in a hurry to speak with him about it either. Even in the war room meetings she had been avoiding eye contact with him and it was starting to drive him crazy, along with the headaches that had only gotten worse.

When the avalanche came down on Haven his heart had felt like it stopped in that moment. He remembered the frantic searching afterwards and the _relief_ he had felt when they found her. Maker he had it _bad_ and he knew it. Every moment he was alone or not busy she would creep into his thoughts. He had almost lost her and in the end that was the thought that drove him to find her now. They _needed_ to talk. He needed to know if there was even a chance or if it was impossible now because she was the Inquisitor or, if she really just didn't care at all. He knew he needed her and maybe, just maybe she needed him too. Only he couldn't find her and, that fear that had gripped him after Haven was starting to sneak its way back.

The last time anyone in the hall had seen her they said she had looked almost scared. That she was rushing as if she couldn't get out of there fast enough. Had they pushed her before she was ready? Had she somehow ran from Skyhold unnoticed? What if they never found her? As he stopped to speak to Varric in the hall he learned the dwarf didn't know anything but, Solas overheard him.

"You're looking for the Inquisitor?" He asked.

Cullen ran a hand through his hair and nodded, "No one has seen her in hours and no one seems to have any idea where she might be," Cullen said solemnly. He was really starting to worry, what if she was hurt?

"Dorian and I saw her out front. She was in a bit of a state but, insisted on being alone. She was heading towards the courtyards when I lost sight of her," Solas replied as he regarded Cullen carefully. "You really care about her, don't you?"

Cullen pressed his lips together and looked away, Solas' glares could be disturbing enough without being under his scrutiny. "We are friends, I think." Cullen mumbled under his breath as he avoided the knowing glance from Solas.

"She requires help. You may be the only one out of her friends who really understands," he said thoughtfully.

Cullen paused for a moment and finally raised his eyes back to Solas. The meaning had not been lost on him. What Aleksia was going through was much like his own struggles after the attack on the Ferelden tower. He did understand but he wasn't sure he knew _how_ to help her. He gave Solas a nod all the same, one that spoke of a promise to do what he could. As he turned to continue his search, all he could do was hope that she was still somewhere in Skyhold.

He thought back to the diary Leliana's agents had found at Ostwich, although he hadn't read it himself Leliana had told him enough of the contents. Aleksia had every reason to fear Templars and now they were all over Skyhold. He should have realised that it would be hard for her. They all should have. If he were in Aleksia's shoes he would have tried to find somewhere away from them for a while. As he walked through the courtyard his eyes searched all over.

"Has anyone taken any of the horses out today?" He asked as he approached one of the stablehands.

"No Sir, a few have come in with some Templars this morning but that's all," he answered.

"Have you seen the Inquisitor?" He asked.

"No... Wait, I think maybe she went into the barn. Didn't see 'er come out again neither, but that was hours ago," he answered.

Cullen mumbled a thank you as his feet were already moving again. The barn was as chaotic as the rest of Skyhold with equipment everywhere. Crates waited to be unpacked, saddles for the horses were lined up and feed had been dumped in corners until the rest could be sorted through. If she truly wanted to hide and not be found it certainly was a good place for it. If she hadn't come out and no one had seen her for hours, there was a good chance she was still in amongst the barns mess, somewhere.

"Inquisitor?" He spoke towards the middle of the building before he started looking behind crates. If she really wanted to avoid everyone, he knew she could sneak past at anytime that he was looking behind them but, there was not much he could do about it.

"Aleksia?" He tried again, a little louder then the first time. He stopped and listened carefully for any signs of movement that was not his own. A quiet sob reached his ears. It sounded as if it came from the other side where the bales of hay were located. As he approached he said her name quietly again so that he wouldn't risk startling her.

There she was behind them, huddled in the corner with her head down. She was _shaking_ so hard that he could see it. Grateful that for once he wasn't wearing armor he bent down and crawled in behind the bales. Sharp pains shot through his head, tension always made them worse but he tried to ignore it all as he sat down near Aleksia. Seeing her like that reminded him of all the things he felt after the mages had tortured him for weeks. After they had forced him to watch as they slaughtered his colleagues, his friends.

How. How could he help her when he could barely keep his own demons at bay?


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a few warnings here so make sure you read them all!
> 
> Firstly, this chapter is NSFW. It also contains strong language in places.
> 
> Secondly, as a continuation from the previous chapter there are still trigger warnings in place for -
> 
> PTSD, Panic Attacks and Anxiety.
> 
> When you have finished this chapter please read the end of chapter notes and... don't hate me too much, please? :)

The ground was barren, little more than a flat rocky surface. It stretched out as far as he could see in every direction, an empty void of nothing that was completely uninspiring. Solas wasn't there for the views though, not this time. The spirit was close, he could sense it lurking but remaining out of sight. "Cole?" He asked out loud, towards the empty space in front of him.

The ground by his feet shimmered like heat coming off the surface just as Cole came in to view. In the fade he looked just as he did in the real world, like a young man wearing an over-large hat. He looked at Solas with curious eyes, "You want to know about her, but you already have the answers."

"So I was right, there are demons after her?" Solas asked thoughtfully.

"Yes." Cole answered.

"One went after her on Haven, didn't it?" He thought he had sensed it but he wasn't certain. It was the slightest hint of a demon presence in her dreams on one occasion and then it was gone.

"Yes. She defeated it, but it was strong. She almost lost herself," Cole responded.

"Now there are more, a lot more. I can feel them pushing against the veil when she sleeps, trying to pull her into the fade. Into her nightmares," Solas mused out loud.

"The Templars scare her. She is strong but they make her weaker. He gives her strength but she resists, that hurts her too." As he spoke, Cole was also pacing

"She has extraordinary strength to even make it this far, can you help her?" He asked.

"Maybe," Cole responded. "I want to help but she is tired."

"That is not a good sign, if she gives up this fight then possession is very possible. Do what you can, we will speak again soon." Solas closed his eyes and as he opened them again, he was back at his desk in Skyhold with a worried frown creasing his forehead. He had always intended to keep a distance from those around him but that had proven impossible. The Inquisitor had become a closer friend than he expected and because of him she was marked and facing far more dangers than she should have been.

~~~~~~~~

She had not wanted him to see her like this, or any of them. They needed a leader, someone who could save them all from the threat of Corypheus. The person she used to be was the one who didn't fear anything, the one who wasn't afraid to step in and fix what was broken. The person who trembled in the corners, who was afraid of the shadows, that person couldn't fix a damned thing. When she first heard his voice in the barn she had tried to stand, to keep her head held high and be the leader they _all_ needed. Everything had started spinning, the strands of hay had all swirled in together making it impossible to see one from another. Her chest clenched tight as it sucked the air right out of her lungs.

She let out a startled gasp as she fell back down on to her bottom in the corner which, sounded more like a frustrated sob. She couldn't stop Cullen from finding her then as he crawled his way in behind the hay bales to sit near her. "They are looking for me, aren't they?"

"Josephine and Leliana were talking about putting a search team together," he answered quietly. Aleksia tensed. "Don't worry. I talked them out of it, I said I would find you myself."

Her shoulders relaxed a little knowing a whole team of people weren't about to come busting into the barn. Still she couldn't meet Cullen's eyes and the shaking had barely subsided at all. In her mind all she could see were Templar suits all over Skyhold with Mercen's face behind them.

"Did something happen? Did one of the Templars threaten you in any way?" He was concerned, she could hear it in his voice without even looking at his eyes.

Anger and hostility, those were her defences. It was like they just jumped out of her mouth all on their own to protect her when she was vulnerable. "No, nothing like that happened. However, I am a Mage. How long do you think you can keep them inline when they find themselves working for a Mage? You saw what happened in Haven."

"Do you doubt my ability as the Inquisition's Commander?" He asked with a hint of frustration.

"I.. No," she sighed and finally turned her head so that their eyes met. The tone in her voice softened as she tightened her arms around her legs. The concern in his eyes, it was too much. Her mind flashed back to the moment in Haven when she had insisted on staying behind. The unspoken goodbye between them and the _ache_ in her heart that had been mirrored in Cullen's eyes. "No one else could even come close to being able to do the job you do. It's me, I can't..." She was shaking uncontrollably as tears stung the backs of her eyes. "I never should have taken that sword. I am not their Herald or their Inquisitor. I can't even walk through Skyhold past a few Templars without being blinded by fear and they... they expect me to save the fucking world."

Aleksia felt Cullen's warm hands against her cold ones as he carefully pried them from the grip she had around her legs, "During the blight in Ferelden a group of mages, including Senior Enchanter Uldred, turned to blood magic. They were responsible for murdering all of the Templars," anger crept into his voice as he spoke and Aleksia could feel his grip tighten around her fingers. "They made me watch while they slaughtered my friends. For weeks they tortured me before we were rescued. They summoned abominations, many of the mages were also killed and yet I still asked for the death of those who remained, out of fear. I became someone else for a time, someone I am not proud of. I shut everyone out and became a monster." Cullen paused for a moment as he raised her hands up to his face. When she looked away he let her hands go and placed his on both of her cheeks. He turned her carefully until she met his eyes, "I don't want to see you making the same mistakes I did, you are not in this alone there are people who care about you. Don't shut them out, don't shut me out."

 _If only it was that easy._ It wasn't and it never would be. "Cullen.. the Hero of Ferelden is due to arrive in Skyhold in two days... to discuss the arrangements of our marriage." She was certain she could see the colour draining from his face as he quickly pulled his hands away from her.

"Your what?" He asked distracted. On one hand she wanted to know what was going on in his mind and on the other she was glad she didn't. "I wasn't aware you had even met."

"We haven't. Our families entered into an agreement when I was born. I have heard stories though, during the blight and after." It was a struggle to keep her voice from cracking at the thought of _marrying_ someone she had never met before, someone she didn't love. Even from her place of shelter in the circle the game had been played and now with the Inquisition, as the Inquisitor, she had to be one of the key players.

"You don't want to do this," Cullen stated.

"I don't see that there is much of a choice," Aleksia said as she rubbed the palm of her hand, although the glow was gone now unless she was close to a rift, whatever Corypheus had done when he tried to rip it from her hand hurt a lot and continued to hurt. The pain was a constant reminder of the marks presence and what it meant. "The Inquisition needs the Hero of Ferelden, the Grey Wardens have all vanished that can't be a coincidence."

"Now you sound like Leliana," he responded.

"That's because she is right. We can't just dismiss the possibility of their involvement. There is also the matter of the Hero having close ties to The King of Ferelden and the Trevelyan's ties to the chantry." The more she spoke the longer the list became. All of the reasons why she couldn't simply ignore the political implications if she were to reject the union.

"It all always comes down to politics and the fucking game," he grumbled under his breath as he rubbed the back of his neck. Aleksia broke eye contact, it was all too much and hard enough without seeing the pained expression on his face as well.

At least for the moment she had stopped shaking and stopped thinking about the Templars momentarily, "You should probably go, before they start looking for you as well."

"What about you?" He asked.

"I'm fine," she lied and even managed a ghost of a smile to go along with it. On the inside she was just barely holding herself together.

"I meant what I said about not being in this alone," Cullen reminded her.

"You can't help me Cullen, I'm sorry." She whispered and then louder, more forceful she added, "Just go."

She managed to hold them back until he was gone but afterwards the tears rolled down her cheeks. He couldn't help her because she realised she loved him and she knew she couldn't be with him. She was finally away from the oppressive circles, in love and she still couldn't act on it freely. If there was a Maker, then it had to be some kind of cruel joke.

She wiped the tears away from her eyes and crawled out from behind the hay bales. She couldn't face going back to the main hall with all theTemplars around, she just couldn't. She knew before she had even gone to the barn that Blackwall had been staying in the loft there. He had been out scouting with a couple of the soldiers because he had needed something to do but, he would be back before nightfall. So, she stayed and waited because, she couldn't go back to the hall and she didn't want to be alone. There was no one else in Skyhold that she trusted like Blackwall, other then Cullen.

When he returned Aleksia was leaning up against the workbench he had put together. His eyes locked on to her blue-grey eyes. They still glistened from the tears she had shed and tears she held back as she stepped towards him. All she knew at that moment was the fact that she needed comfort, in the arms of someone who wouldn't and couldn't hurt her. Without saying a word he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close when she reached him. He held her as her tears soaked the leather armor he was wearing and he wiped her damp cheeks as she tilted her head up to his face. Aleksia laced her fingers together behind Blackwall's neck as she pressed her lips against his. It wasn't a soft kiss and she didn't take her time being chaste, she parted her lips and slipped her tongue between his kissing him hard. He growled as he pressed his body against hers, clothing was the only thing left between them.

He returned her frantic kisses, as he licked and tasted her mouth. He helped her when she started fumbling with the buttons on her suit. As he parted the fabric she gasped, her stomach muscles involuntarily tightened under his fingers when they brushed against her bare skin. His lips trailed along her neck as he undid the ties of her breast band and dropped it by her feet. There was no pretense of tenderness, only an animalistic need for the contact of warm skin against her own.

He laid her down on top of the soft hay after they shed the remainder of their clothing and covered her body with his. A strangled moan escaped her as their bare skin connected, his hard cock pressed up against her belly. He cupped one of her breasts with his hand as his mouth sort out the other, taking her nipple between his lips. As he pushed himself up onto his arms to look into her eyes, cool air hit her wet nipple where his mouth had just been making her shiver beneath him.

Her body was aching with the need to feel him inside her as she hooked her legs around his waist. Her back arched as his hard cock pressed against her folds near her entrance, "Blackwall.." She gasped as he pinned her arms above her head, entwining their fingers as he held her in place. Aleksia squirmed under him to rub her clitourus against his shaft. He shifted his hips so that the head of his cock was pressed against her opening. She was desperate and wanting as she tried to rub against him but he moved each time she did, remaining just out of her reach.

"Tell me," he growled between gritted teeth. "Tell me what you want."

"Fuck me. Just fuck me, now," she demanded as he pushed the head just inside her. She could feel her skin stretching to accommodate his size, by the sudden sting as he rolled his hips and plunged his cock straight into her. Pain quickly gave way to pleasure as his shaft slid against the clusters of nerves within her. Even with the cool air, sweat lined their bodies as they established a fast, frantic, paced rhythm of rolling hips and arching backs. She cried out, her fingers gripping his tightly as her body trembled beneath him. His eyes never left her face as she came undone. His hips thrust back and forth several more times, burying himself deep inside her until his body jerked. Panted moans escaped his lips as she felt a damp warmth spread within. The grip of their entwined fingers relaxed as they both took in deep breaths to steady their breathing.

He rolled off her body but held her close as they lay sated in the hay and drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~

Aleksia had woken just before the first rays of sunshine appeared over the horizon. She carefully extracted herself from the entangled mass of limbs, thankful that she didn't wake Blackwall who was still sound asleep. She retrieved a blanket from his loft, to cover his naked form, before she recovered her own clothing and slipped out of the barn. The early start gave her a chance to freshen up and be in the war room, before those sleeping in the main hall had even stirred. It had also allowed her to move through Skyhold without coming into contact with any of the Templars, much to her relief.

She took her time flicking through the reports as she came across one that mentioned missing soldiers in the Fallow Mire. It would take weeks to cross the hinterlands and locate the soldiers. She knew Thadeus Cousland was due to arrive in only a couple of days but she couldn't leave the soldiers out there to fend for themselves. Everything else, including the Hero of Ferelden would just have to wait. Truthfully she wasn't sorry that she had an excuse to set up an emergency mission. It would take her away from Skyhold and the Templars that plagued it.

She wasted no time in setting preparations for herself, Blackwall, Sera and Vivienne to leave by that afternoon in search of those who were missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, when I first started this story I did think there was a chance Aleksia might end up in bed with someone else before Cullen but I wasn't sure if it would happen or not. Now it has BUT the end result wont change. There will be a Trev/Cullen pairing eventually, I promise! My characters just like to have minds of their own and take their sweet time in getting where they should be! Her responses are also rather accurate for PTSD ( I did a lot of research on PTSD for this story before I started it ), lets hope her friends can help her in the long run.


	23. Chapter 23

"Tell Leliana I will have some of the troops moved to the south. That will cover her agents on their way through the pass," Cullen responded without looking up from the message he was holding in his hand, until he was done speaking.

The messenger bowed slightly as he started stepping backwards. They were always on the move, rarely stopping long enough for an entire message to be read, "Yes Sir. At once Sir."

Cullen sighed as he raised his hand to the back of his neck, his fingers unsuccessfully trying to massage the tension away. His head was thumping sharply, even more so than normal. He didn't really have to guess at the cause, the headaches had increased in severity since the night he had gone back to the barn. He had wanted to check on the Inquisitor again before retiring, only to find her fast asleep and naked in Blackwall's arms. Afterwards he had come so close to downing a vial of lyrium to dull the pain but, deep down he knew it wouldn't have really helped. Just like going to the tavern, getting blind drunk and bedding Lissa hadn't helped. He had never really enjoyed the act of bedding women he had no emotional attachment to, it was something he had long since given up doing during his early days in Kirkwall. He had just needed a diversion, something to take his mind off the vial of lyrium in his desk drawer. It had done that much at least.

His eyes scanned the battlements observantly. Each of the soldiers under his command that was currently stationed in Skyhold, were receiving vigorous training. It was something he insisted on over-seeing himself. If he knew the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier under his command, he would know exactly where to place them in battle and when. It was a burden he placed solely on his own shoulders. Not only were the lives of the people his soldiers protected of utmost importance, but the lives of each soldier also was. In a way, the Inquisitor had shown them all that much every time she insisted no one was to be left behind. He respected her for that. He respected her for a lot of things, he just couldn't figure out what was going on with those blasted mixed messages. He wasn't even certain he should try to, she was the Inquisitor, and evidently also betrothed. Even with all of that knowledge, it was still so hard to tear his eyes away from hers when they connected. He was almost certain she had equal difficulty in looking away from him as well. He had never seen that same look in her eyes with anyone else. It was a look that was marred with painful longing, heated and at times even almost smouldering under the surface. Surely it couldn't all be in his imagination? Yet she had slept with Blackwall and that burned harder than he would have ever thought possible.

His back was to the Skyhold gates as they started to open. The sound of the large wheels grating metal on metal did not really surprise him. He knew the team along with the Inquisitor were due back from the Fallow Mire at any time. He had even managed to convince himself not to turn around but instead to hold his focus on the soldiers training in front of him.

"You there," he pointed to one of the newer recruits. "Hold your shield up higher, lest you want a sword across your neck, and you," he pointed to another. "Tighten up that grip, your holding a mace not a nug!" Yes, he was seething and his recruits were in the firing line. Mostly though he was just tired and over all of it. Enough was enough, all that was left now was to try and forget about her.

Behind he could hear the sounds of both horse hoofs and also footsteps. It wasn't uncommon for a crowd to start gathering when the Inquisitor returned but, he had already assigned guards to deal with any problems should they arise. At first came the usual exclamations of "Look, she is back." However, it didn't take long before that tone changed completely. In place of the excited exclamations, was the sounds of fear. Small haunted gasps followed by comments of, "What's wrong with her?" Then another comment he heard straight afterwards, "I hope the Inquisitor will be okay."

His blood ran cold as he snapped his head around. Something wasn't right, he could both feel it in the atmosphere of those gathered and hear it in their tones. His eyes searched the area near the front gates, in an almost frantic attempt to see what was happening. If by chance or some other hidden force, he didn't know but, the crowd parted enough that he could see the horses. Sera was on the horse upfront but as she coaxed it aside he could see Aleksia's form, slumped over the front of Blackwall's mount. She wasn't moving and her skin was deathly pale.

The stabbing pain radiating throughout his head instantly increased in tempo. No matter how much he was seething over her and Blackwall together it in no way prepared him for this. She looked so still and _lifeless_. She was the Herald of Andraste, she wasn't supposed to fall in battle but, that wasn't truly what caused so much trepidation seeing her like that. He took in a deep, shaky breath and pushed all of those thoughts to the back of his mind as he descended the battlement stairs two at a time. On the way he motioned to a couple of soldiers nearby. "I will clear a path through the crowd, you get the Inquisitor and take her straight over to the healers," he barked the orders the moment they were within earshot.

"Yes Sir," they both agreed at the same time.

Cullen started parting the crowd, leaving more than enough room for the soldiers to bring Aleksia back through. It took only a few minutes but, it felt more like an eternity before her lifeless form was carried past him towards the healer's tent.

"The rest of you get back to work. As soon as we know how the Inquisitor is doing we will send word around Skyhold," Cullen said clearly, in an attempt to disperse the gathering crowd.

It took time for him to convince the majority of those gathered to go about their normal duties. He found himself bothered by some of the comments, even if in part he understood them. 'If the Inquisitor dies, who will close the rifts?' It was a fair question but showed little regard for the fact that they were talking about an actual person. That irritated him far more than he would have liked.

Once he finally managed to have the majority of the crowd dispersed, he found himself standing face to face with Blackwall.

~~~~~~~~

In the beginning when she first started to come around, her mind was too hazy to really comprehend what was happening. Even with healing magic pulsing through her veins, stabbing pain radiated through her side. She remembered the sensation of the blade cutting right through her flesh. For a moment she thought she was back in the circles solitary cell between the blade and the magic that was healing her, until she remembered. A band of assassins had jumped her, one of their knives penetrated right through her robes, before she even knew what was happening.

Her stomach twisted into a knot, nausea threatening to take over. The all too familiar sensation of healing magic clawed at her from the inside. "Stop," she managed to squeak. Nothing wanted to work properly, not even her voice. It took her a moment to have her sluggish limb respond but, she finally managed to reach up and grip the arm responsible. "Stop. Just stop," she groaned as her eyes finally started to open. Solas was staring at her exposed side, his face intense with concentration. It was as if he hadn't heard her, or felt the hand on his arm. With as much strength as she could summon she pushed the offending hand away.

Solas finally turned his head to meet her gaze, "Inquisitor. I was not done yet."

"Just don't," she whispered.

His eyes register understanding, "There is still a lot of damage. It could take weeks to recover from that."

"I'll cope," she said quietly.

"If it becomes infected? There is always that chance," he prodded gently.

"I will deal with that _if_ it happens," she grumbled under her breath.

"Ahh a grumbling patient, that is usually a good sign," Varric said as he slipped inside the tent. "Josephine asked me to come and see how you are, she is currently busy dealing with the minor panic your grand entrance has caused. I did try to tell them nothing would keep our fearless leader down for long but I don't think they were listening."

Aleksia groaned at Varric's words, "Poor Josie. You can tell them I will live."

"However, she needs to rest," Solas added which elicited an attempted protest from Aleksia.

"But-."

"Or be healed the rest of the way, with magic." Solas countered.

She sighed in defeat and looked away. From outside, the sound of angry voices increased in volume. She was almost going to ignore it, figuring a couple of the noble visitors had gotten into a heated debate. Until she recognised Cullen's voice.

"What is the point of assigning soldiers to protect the Inquisitor if they are going to be moved on to errand duties?! We _have_ people for that!" He growled.

"It was her decision," Blackwall responded, although his voice was raised he was trying to maintain a calmer tone.

"What was she doing at the front then? If you knew the soldiers weren't there, you should have taken the lead!" Cullen added, his own tone far less calmer. Aleksia swore she could hear scuffling, the sounds of armor clinking against armor.

"Just calm down, this isn't going to solve anything," Cassandra injected.

"Cullen is right," Blackwall said with sorrow. "I should have been up front."

"If she dies..." Cullen spat out, "I should just deal with you now to save me the trouble later. You had a job to do!"

Did she just hear the unsheathing of a weapon? At first she wasn't certain, until she heard it again from the other one. "Andraste's ass they are going to kill each other!" She exclaimed as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Pain shot through her side causing her to gasp out and grab Solas' arm.

"What are you doing? I thought I was clear about resting," Solas reminded her.

"Either help me out there or get out of my way," she hissed through gritted teeth.

Solas hesitated for a moment and then gave a small nod as he took Aleksia's arm and helped her stand, "I am only helping so that you don't do even more damage."

Solas helped her out of the tent with Varric not far behind them. Blackwall and Cullen were in a small clearing just past the tent. They were standing a distance apart with swords and shields ready, both wearing similar dark expressions as they stared each other down. Aleksia's heart was thrumming in her chest. Maker help her if either of them actually ended up hurt or worse.

A crowd had already started gathering around the two men. Bystanders who were looking for action and trying to goad them into fighting.

"Get me in there, I have to stop this." She demanded to Solas. Beads of sweat were starting to line her forehead from the pain of the knife wound in her side. She wasn't taking no for an answer. She was already pulling Solas, whose hand was firmly gripped on her upper arm, towards the gathering people.

"You should let them sort this out for themselves. You are only putting yourself at further risk," Solas objected.

"This is my fault. I can't just let them kill each other!" Aleksia exclaimed. She didn't think he would but, if Solas tried to pull her back to the tent she was really in no condition to stop him.

She shook herself free of Solas' grip as they reached the back of the crowd. Ignoring the intense pain in her side, she started pushing her way through. A gasp escaped her lips now and then as she found someone's elbow pressing against the wound. The sounds of swords hitting shields ricocheted throughout the courtyard, each clang only strengthened her resolve to reach them before someone was injured. She bit down on her tongue and pressed forward until finally she broke through into the clearing. Someone behind grabbed her arm as a wave of dizziness washed over her, she hadn't recovered enough of the blood she had lost to really be walking around.

"Thank you. I will be fine now," she said quietly to the stranger before focusing in on the fight. Blackwall was just rearing up to lunge at Cullen after spotting a potential opening. Aleksia gasped out of fear, her voice boomed out over the sounds of both the crowd and the fight, coming from somewhere deep in the pit of her belly, "ENOUGH!"

Both Blackwall and Cullen froze on the spot at the same time that the crowd fell deathly silent. Now that she had their attention, and everyone else's, she continued with a firm tone. "Both of you go and cool down. The only fighting I want to see in Skyhold should be on the training grounds," she swayed a little but managed to keep her footing. She knew she had to be careful and say very little so as not to talk Cullen down in front of his recruits. "The rest of you have places to be, now go, all of you."

There were groans of protest from the crowd as people reluctantly started shuffling away. Blackwall and Cullen remained in their places, at first glaring at each other until the entirety of the situation must have sunk in. Then they both looked at Aleksia with a mix of surprise and relief. She waited until the majority of the crowd had moved on before approaching them.

Her eyes rested on Cullen first. She swallowed and forced herself to ignore the relief she could see in his eyes. She tried to convince herself that it was because they all needed the stupid green glowing thing on the palm of her hand. "It was my decision to ride up front," she said quietly. "You can't blame Blackwall for that." She turned her eyes to Blackwall, "Any more than you can blame yourself."

"If we did not have that argument you wouldn't have been so stubborn about it," Blackwall responded.

"That too was my fault," she responded regretfully. She turned her focus to both of them at the same time, "I want you both to calm down and promise this will never happen again. We all need to be working together, not fighting amongst ourselves."

Blackwall gave a nod and then resheathed his sword. Cullen hesitated for a moment but, as she held eye contact with him, silently pleading for this to all be over, he finally relented and put his own sword away with a nod as well.

Aleksia let out a breath that she wasn't even aware she had been holding, "Good." She looked from one to the other, "Blackwall, see to it that the horses have been tended to." They had stablehands for the job of course. However, it was Aleksia's polite way of telling him it was time to go. "Cullen, we need to talk," She gave a small nod in the direction of his office.

Again Cullen hesitated and she found it difficult to read his expression. It was almost as if he was holding neutrality on purpose, "Of course, Inquisitor."

~~~~~~~~

Aleksia stepped through the door to Cullen's office just after he did, leaving it slightly ajar behind her. The moment she was clear of it, the door slammed shut. She spun back around quickly to face it, there hadn't even been a hint of a breeze that could have been responsible. A moment later, clicking sounds resounded throughout the office from each of the doors, both downstairs and up above.

"What was that?" She asked as she reached for the door handle and tried to turn it. "It's locked," she said with a hint of both confusion and fear.

Cullen tried one of the side doors, holding the handle in his hand. "This one is locked as well, but the keys are in my desk drawer." With a few large strides he was behind the desk and opened the draw, "Or not. They are gone."

  
There was a very brief shimmer in the middle of the office room and barely a whisper of a voice, "I want to help." Then it was gone and the office was silent, save for the almost deafening sound of Aleksia's own heart beating loudly in her ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops I almost forgot!
> 
> If you want to follow me in Tumblr my link is here:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/keliandrada
> 
> Feel free to do so, then you will know what stories I am working on and when :)
> 
> Thanks for the Kudos and comments so far, these are always greatly appreciated!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!
> 
> I am sorry it has taken so long to get this chapter up. First I will admit I was a little disappointed over the lack of comments I have received of late towards chapters I have been writing. As much as I hate it I am one of those people who prefers contact with readers - rather then feeling as if I am writing in to the void so to speak.  
> Sorry, sorry, sorry! Sometimes I am paranoid about my writing and think that it is no good.  
> On top of that I have had visitors and been camping! So real life has also played a part.  
> Anyway, I got there in the end so here it is!  
> Enjoy :)
> 
> If you would like to keep up to date with delays and what not you can follow me on tumblr here too: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/keliandrada

Aleksia placed her shaking palms against the closed door. Her side was aching almost constantly but, even that wasn't enough to really take her mind off being _trapped_. "Cole open this door now!" She yelled loudly, although she doubted yelling was really necessary. The spirit was probably close by listening in on their thoughts. "Cole! I mean it!" She could feel the increase of her heartbeat and the quickening of her breath. All she could think about was how much she needed to get that door open.

"Somehow I don't think he is listening, or at least has no intention of opening the door even if he is." Cullen said calmly.

His voice sounded distant and muffled to her as she struggled to catch a breath. "Messenger! We need a messenger!" She yelled at the door.

A voice came from the other side, "What message would you like to send Inquisitor?"

"Varric," she said breathlessly. "Get Varric over here to pick the lock in the door."

"Ummm," the messenger said with uncertainty.

"I can answer that myself," came Varric's voice from the other side. "I am not unlocking the door anytime soon,' He sounded _smug_ when he answered. If this was some idea of a joke she was going to kill him.

"Varric! What the hell?" Aleksia exclaimed. First Cole and now Varric, had they all lost their minds?

"Lost again. Told you he was shite at cards," came Sera's voice from somewhere near the vicinity of Varrics. She was going to kill them all, just as soon as she got that blasted door open.

Aleksia's head felt like it was _spinning_. The wooden door that her hands were still placed on swirled before her eyes, each panel appeared as if it was moving. If it weren't for the feeling of _dread_ that overcame her whenever she felt trapped, she may have been able to see the humorous side of things. Instead she couldn't see much of anything, all she knew was the fact that her side hurt and she needed to get out of that blasted room. She had even forgotten that Cullen was also trapped with her. At least that was until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Inquisitor are you oka-" he started and then shifted from a clinical tone to one of surprise, "You're shaking."

She tensed almost the instant she felt a hand upon her. Aleksia's mind filled with images of the holding cell and Mercen. She expected the pain to follow the touch on her shoulder. She ducked down low as she recoiled from his hand, it was a reaction born out of reflex to defend herself. Only it wasn't Mercen's cold and calculated voice that spoke. It was Cullen's warm and compassionate voice instead. She was down low and leaning against the door of Cullen's office, not the hard stone wall of the circles prison cell. It was actually a little embarrassing to realise that, when only moments before she had been breaking up a fight.

"Cullen," she almost whispered. "I can't... being locked in, it hurts."

"Look at me," he said with a firm, almost commanding tone.

Slowly she raised her head. Her eyes traveled from the boots on his feet, along his legs, gradually working their way up until she met his eyes.

"Now, take a look around the office. There is no one else here but us and it is my job to protect you, not hurt you." He was using his command voice, the same tone he used out in the training grounds when addressing troops. His voice and his demeanour had always been more gentle when he was speaking to her but now, it was like he was guarding himself from her.

She cringed when pain shot through her side as she tried to stand, part of her regretted not being able to let Solas heal her completely. Cullen reached out and gripped her arm firmly as he helped her back up to her feet. At first his face held that same look, the one of the more distant Commander of the Inquisitions armies. Until his eyes trailed down her side to the opening in her robes where the assassin's knife had struck her. His expression then was almost impossible to read, she could only guess at what he may have been thinking as his fingers found their way to her bare skin. Her muscles involuntarily contracted at his tender touch as he trailed the outline of the knife wound.

"Why wasn't this healed properly?" There was a hitch in his voice followed by a swallow as he looked back into her eyes.

She was very aware of just _how close_ he was standing. Close enough that she could feel the heat radiating from his body in the cold office. She could smell the scent of sweat from that days training mixed with sandalwood and leather. Maker, she wished her heart didn't respond to him in the way that it did. The way that it picked up speed inside her chest and caught her breath. She wished she didn't _ache_ with the knowledge that she needed to keep her distance, that she could never give into her desires with Cullen. He deserved so much more than the life of a lover to someone who was married to another.

"Aleksia?" He prodded. Making her suddenly aware that she had been staring at him without having answered his question.

"I.." the words were there at the back of her throat, all she had to do was say them. To tell him the truth. Although by now Solas had probably figured it out, she hadn't even told him much. She hadn't spoken of what she endured in that cell to _anyone_.

Cullen pulled his hand back when she didn't say anything more. It was the look in his eyes that made her chest clench tightly, for as hard as he may have tried to keep it locked away she could see the pain in his expression. She caused that. In her attempt to keep him at a distance so she wouldn't end up hurting him she was _already_ hurting him, more than she realised. Why had she not seen that earlier? Would it have made a difference? She was all wrong for him, even if she refused the arranged marriage. She was a weak, pathetic excuse for a human who cowered in barns away from a few Templars in armor. She was cursed, everyone she cared for always ended up hurt and to top it all off now she was also a false prophet. There was also the fact that she constantly argued with him even when he was only trying to help.

It had to be her imagination, there was no way he would be interested in her like that.

The kiss, I didn't imagine that.

He had initiated it. They had been interrupted but, he was the one who had leant forwards. He had been the one whose lips brushed hers. There was no imagining what had been real. "Why me?" She asked softly. Cullen was over by his desk facing away from her. When he didn't turn around, she continued speaking to his back. "I've yelled at you. I have argued with you," her voice gradually raised in volume and frustration as she spoke, "I have given you reasons to be suspicious of me. I have shut you out and pushed you away when you have done nothing but show me kindness and compassion that I didn't deserve. Damnit Cullen, why me?"

"I have asked myself that very same question," he replied without turning around. It was impossible just from the tone of his voice to know what he was feeling. "It would appear as if I have an affinity for caring about those I can not be with."

Her knees felt weak. She didn't know of it was from the pain, the loss of blood or Cullen's words. It was one thing to know he cared and something else to actually hear it. He cared about her. He did. She may not have been able to see his face but she could see the slump of his shoulders. She could see the clenching and unclenching of his fists by his side. He had been through so much, too much. He deserved to be happy. She couldn't give him that, she would destroy him. At the same time it seemed as if maybe she was the only one who could because, he cared when he shouldn't.

She hadn't expected that again, ever. After Lucas she had thought that would be it, that she would never feel those things for another. Somehow Cullen had snuck his way into her mind, into her heart, perhaps even into her soul. An ex-templar no less. She had tried to deny it. She had tried to resist it but the feelings were strong, too strong. He had melted the walls she had carefully constructed, the walls that kept people at a distance and she hadn't even seen it coming. He was the reason she had let others in, the people of Skyhold, those she had come to respect and care for.

Lives that were now in her hands.

She had turned to them because she had been blinded by her intent to keep him out. In a way, he had allowed her to start healing. Now he was hurting because of her.

All she had to do was refuse. Refuse to marry the Hero of Ferelden, a man she had never met before. Someone who had no feelings towards her, or her towards him. The political fallout, well that couldn't be predicted, it could be a nightmare or not.

Was it really that easy?

Just refuse and... take a chance with the one person she wanted to be with more than ever. The one person who also wanted to be with her. What was really driving her insane was not knowing if it would be better for Cullen to keep him distanced, or to let him in. She was a mage, he had been hurt by mages before. He was a templar and she had been hurt by templars, what if that alone caused them both to do more harm to each other than good?

The air behind her took on a coldness that at first she was puzzled by, and then Cole's form appeared beside her. "You know but, you are scared. He is scared too."

Cole stepped around Aleksia until he was standing in front of her, his head was tilted as if he was listening intently to a conversation that she couldn't hear, "Pain in her eyes, intense, it shouldn't be. Young eyes should smile and laugh, not hurt and cry. How can I make them smile?" Cole paused for a moment, his attention focused back on her, "he sees your pain, like you see his. You think you can't, but you can help each other. He wants you to see that not all templars are bad, like you want him to see that not all mages are. He already knows but you don't, not yet. Let him help you." With his words spoken, Cole stepped back so that Aleksia could see Cullen's back again. He didn't need to make sure they forgot because they know him and they understand what he does. Instead he vanished from the room, leaving them alone with their burdens a little lighter than they had been.

"Cullen.." she whispered painfully into the silent room.

She could see his shoulders move as he let out a breath before turning around to face her. Their eyes met across the room but, still he remained silent.

"The healing," she said quietly. "I didn't let Solas finish because I couldn't. I can't. Every morning a mage, the same mage, would heal the damage he had done through the night," her voice cracked several times as she spoke but she didn't look away. She wanted to and, almost did but she managed to maintain eye contact with him through the pain of her memories.

"Why Blackwall?" He asked. His tone was flat with perhaps a hint of bitterness coming through. Even his expression was difficult to read.

"I am not sure what you mean," she responded. He didn't know, how could he? No one had said anything, not even Leliana.

"You know what I mean," he replied with a raised voice. The hands by his sides clenching into tight balls that caused his knuckles to turn white. "Are you two.." he didn't finish his question but he didn't have to. He knew, somehow he knew.

"We are friends, that's all," She replied carefully. It wasn't up to her to divulge Blackwall's feelings, only to make sure Cullen knew hers.

"I went back to the barn, I saw you both. It looked a bit more than 'friends' to me. Or do you do that with all your 'friends'?" The moment the words were past his lips he instantly looked as if he regretted them.

She broke eye contact with him for the first time since Cole had left. She knew the signs by now, she could almost feel the defensive walls in her mind raising. It was how she always responded now to anything that hurt. Cullen really had no right to question what she did, none. She already regretted her actions as it was because she had hurt Blackwall.

She was still over by the door, with her eyes cast downwards. She hadn't even heard Cullen move but his boots came into her vision and then fingers were under her chin. His fingertips felt rough against her skin but warm and gentle. She remembered the feel of his thumb moving across her lips the last time he had been this close and the soft brushing of his. Even as he tilted her head upwards she was almost to scared to meet his eyes, to see, to _feel_.

"Aleksia," his voice was soft and husky. She couldn't stop the currents that ran down her spine when, she felt the hint of his breath against her cheek as he breathed out. Her eyes had a will of their own as they battled against her mind and raised to meet his. "I am sorry. I... have no place to be asking those questions. What you do and who you chose to do it with is no business of mine." He dropped his hand back down to his side, "you are the Inquisitor. I shouldn't even-"

Aleksia cut him off as she raised her fingers to his lips, slowly she traced a line across them. Maker knew she had tried to keep her distance from him but, she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough to keep resisting the _pull_ she felt towards him. "Once. It happened just the once and it will never happen again. I needed... you. Instead I turned to someone else because it was easier. It shouldn't have happened."

Cullen blinked and studied her closer, he seemed _surprised_? At least that's what it looked like to her, "Wait. What did you say?"

"That it will never happen again?" She asked, puzzled as to why that would need clarification.

"No," he responded softly. "After that."

Realisation began to sink in as she thought over her spoken words, she hadn't even known she said that until he made her think it over, "I said that I needed you."

"You told me to leave. I would have stayed," he slipped one arm around her waist, on the side that wasn't injured. Maker forgive her for letting him carefully inch her in closer to his body. She could feel the heat radiating from him against her cooler skin. The closeness, the feel of his hand resting against the small of her back and the increased pitch of her racing heart made her skin feel as if it were aflame.

It was all wrong and all so right, both at the same time. Her eyes never strayed from his as her fingers locked around the back of his neck. She tilted his head downwards until their foreheads were touching. The words whispered past her lips before she could even consider stopping them, "I need you." Every one of her senses were so full of _him_ that she couldn't think. His scent, his warmth, his eyes, the lips she so desperately wanted to feel against her own. She was the Inquisitor and a mage, he had been a templar and was the Commander of the Inquisitions armies, her armies. She should have pulled away but, she was powerless.

They both leaned in closer at the same time, removing the gap between them as his lips met hers halfway. Even the dry warmth of their chaste kiss stole her breath. Her eyes closed as their lips parted, the gentle caresses of his tongue against her own made her legs feel weak. Aleksia stumbled backwards a little but his arm around her waist kept her steady enough to lean against the wall behind her. Warmth spread throughout her veins and pooled in her belly. A soft moan against his mouth as he sucked her tongue between his teeth. If she was going to the void for this, at least she would be going content. As he let her tongue go his snaked back between her lips. She caught it softly between her teeth, sucking just as he had done because, it had felt so _good_ that she wanted to get him back for it.

She was rewarded with a groan from Cullen as his hips rolled forwards, pressing his body flush against her. At first all she could feel was the _heat_ building between her legs when she felt his arousal pressed against her. Then she was forced to break the kiss. She buried her face against his neck trying to stifle the hiss that passed her lips as pain shot through her side.

"Aleksia?" Cullen asked after her, puzzled at first until realisation dawned on him, "oh.. dammit I am sorry." He said quickly as he took a step back. His eyes traveled down to the side the assassin had stabbed her.

"It's okay. I just wasn't expecting it," she responded quickly. Even though the pain had subsided her head felt light and her legs weak. Too weak, like they were giving out from under her.

Cullen was quick to react as he took hold of her again and eased them both down to the floor. "Your pale," he said with concern. "You should be resting, not running around breaking up fights and..."

"Kissing you?" She asked with an amused tone. Although she did have to admit she wasn't feeling well at all.

"As well as being stuck in here," he added. "I don't think they intend to come back this evening. When was the last time you slept?" He asked as she stifled a yawn behind her hand.

"I.. I can't even remember," she admitted knowing full well that meant it had been too long. "Does being unconscious count?"

He pulled her to him so that she could rest her head against his shoulder, which she did gratefully as she soaked in his warmth and comfort. "No," he answered straight up without adding anything more.

Aleksia breathed in deeply, taking in his scent. She could smell leathers and a faint spicy aroma, most likely from his aftershave. "Thank you," she whispered against his neck.

"For what?" He asked as his fingers traced a lazy line down her back.

"For not giving up on me no matter how crazy I have been," she said with a soft, sleepy tone.

  
For a moment she thought she felt his muscles tense before he spoke. "Shh, just rest now."


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!  
> I made it, woot! I tried to get this one out for Christmas but I didn't quite make that. I am very happy I did make it in time for New Year :)
> 
> I apologise for the long delay. I am sorry if anyone considers this over sharing but I try to be fairly much an open book across the board. I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder, around the time of posting my last chapter my panic disorder took a turn for the worst with almost daily panic attacks. However with help things are getting back to normal again. I like to be honest because I know there are a lot of people out there who suffer from such disorders and I like them to know that overcoming them and learning to cope is entirely possible :). I did however discover I am unable to write when my anxiety and panic is high so here is hoping it keeps behaving :)
> 
> In the mean time, I hope everyone enjoys the latest chapter. Of course it's not really what I would have liked to be able to post for new year, I am sure Aleksia and Cullen smut would have been much better but that will come in time! I do recall someone mentioning having expected more of a confrontation when Aleksia found out Cullen had been her guard in secret, well I was saving that larger confrontation for ..... well you will see in this chapter! ;)

Cullen let his eyes wander to the face of the woman sleeping in his arms. She looked almost peaceful, all the muscles across her features were relaxed in a way he had never seen when she was awake. With each breath he took, he could smell the lingering scent of berries mixed with the blood and sweat of battle. She was both gorgeous and dangerous.

She was dangerous to him because he couldn't be sure anything she did in the state she was in, was real. He cared about her he knew that much, it angered him to think of what she had been through and that was just the little bits he did know. Her actions with men however, the templar who attacked her as well as Blackwall meant that he couldn’t be sure if she actually felt anything towards him or if she was simply looking for the attention of any man who would give it to her.

As he watched her face it went from looking peaceful to being contorted with what looked like pain. A mumbled "please don't," escaped her lips in her sleep as she started thrashing around. Cullen had to wrap his arms around Aleksia to stop her from slipping off him and onto the floor. She let out a loud gasp before she startled into wakefulness. He could feel the thrumming of her heart as he held her, caused by what must have been the fear invoked by her dream.

"Shh, you’re safe," he whispered quietly. He could feel her shaking against him. It was impossible not to notice how warm and fragile she felt against his body as he held her but, then he noticed something else. Her hands were pushing against him, as if to push him away. Underneath her palms heat was building up rapidly, as magic built up within her he could feel it growing rapidly.

"Get off me, leave me alone!" She trembled loudly.

He had no choice but to let her go as the heat rose to point that it was painful. Her fingertips were burning scorch marks into his shirt. Cullen was fairly certain she was still delirious from whatever nightmare woke her. With a little distance between them he tried again, "Aleksia, it's me. You’re safe in my office. I am not going to hurt you. "

Aleksia blinked a few times and her eyes began to look clearer, "Cullen?" She asked quietly, "Oh maker. I didn't hurt you did I?" Her voice was filled with a different kind of panic. This panic sounded more like concern.

"It's okay, nothing serious. That must have been some dream," he said calmly and then after a pause he added, "do you want to talk about it?"

"No." She responded defensively as she scrambled to her feet. Her movements were slowed by cringes of pain. As Aleksia turned her back on Cullen he could hear an attempt to open the door. "It's still locked," she grumbled under her breath.

He rose to his feet behind her, "Under the circumstances you are probably safer locked in here. Someone did just try to kill you." He was trying not to feel offended by the fact that once again she seemed to be pushing him away, refusing to talk about what was troubling her. It seemed that every time they took a step forward, they took two more backwards, or at least she did.

Aleksia shook her head as she turned around to face him, "Just a bandit who got in a lucky swing."

"No bandit did this. I have seen you training with Solas, you’re better than that now. Only an assassin would have been able to strike you down so effectively," Cullen said gravely. He felt as if claws were gripping at his insides at the thought of the dangers she faced constantly. Dangers now made worse by her appointment as the Inquisitor.

"Do you really still distrust me so much that you feel the need to spy on me?" She asked. Her tone was too flat to be able to ascertain any hidden emotions behind her words. "Is that why you pretended to be some random guard? So you could see for yourself how much of a threat I pose? Maybe I should feel flattered that you don't seem to think anyone else would be able to take me down if I step out of line." By the time she was finished emotions had started seeping into her words. Cullen couldn't tell if it was anger, frustration or hurt that he could hear in her voice.

"Aleksia.. You are exhausted and injured. I don't think now is the time to be going into this. You should know one thing, I do trust you." He stepped forward until he was standing directly in front of her. "I trust you with the lives of everyone who is part of the Inquisition." He reached over with one hand to caress her cheek. Her skin was soft and warm under his fingers and it took all of his willpower to pull his hand back again. Especially after the expression in her eyes softened. "The rest can wait. Right now I am going to get some blankets from upstairs so you can sleep."

"Alright but, this isn't the end of it. We will talk about this later," she said firmly and he had no doubt of that.

Cullen nodded as he held back a cringe. It wasn't a conversation he was looking forward to having. As much as he knew it was inevitable eventually, he was purposely avoiding it now. He did take on the role of her guard originally because he didn't trust her. There was no good way to explain that and he didn't want to lie about it.

He descended the ladder a few minutes later with a pillow and two blankets tucked under his arm. As he turned to look at Aleksia the first thing he noticed was the look in her eyes. It was a look he wouldn't forget for a long time, raw pain and betrayal was not something that left one’s mind easily when seen on another. The second thing he noticed was the leather bound journal that she was holding in one hand. The reason for the hurt and betrayal etched into her features.

"Where did you get this?" Aleksia asked. Her voice was calm, it could even be described as cold.

Cullen could feel the colour drain from his head all the way to his toes. It felt like a cold chill running right through him. He had always intended to tell her about the journal but, certainly he had not wanted her to find out like this. More than that though, although outwardly she appeared to be calm, underneath the surface Cullen could feel the magic burning within her just as he had when she had woken from her dream, only worse. Without a recent dose of lyrium his Templar powers weren't as strong as they once were but he could feel her struggle to hold back from casting. Words weren't exactly his strong point but, he had a feeling choosing them carefully now was essential.

"Where did you get this?" She asked again, more forceful than the first time. Silence clearly wasn't the correct response.

"Leliana’s agents found it," Cullen responded carefully.

"She sent them to Ostwick? Why?" There was an obvious shake in her voice as the calmness she had displayed faltered. Given what little Cullen had read in the journal before he had been unable to read any more, he could understand her panic. The templar who had harmed her was cruel and callous that much had been obvious by the words in his journal, the complete lack of remorse. He had enjoyed what he did to her, every second of it in a sick and twisted way. "Did she send them to check up on me?"

He couldn’t lie to her, not again. There had already been enough deception even if he had felt it warranted at the time. Cullen had the terrible feeling that his answers would not be well received. "I asked her to send them, to find out what they could. You killed a templar, you had an obvious dislike for them, for me, and then suddenly you were sending the Inquisition to ask them for assistance over the Mages. I had to know if the Inquisition needed to be concerned about your presence. I am the Commander of the Inquisitions armies, responsible for the safety of everyone and you were an unknown."

"And you speak of trust! Every time I turn around all I see is a lack of it. I never asked for any of this and yet I am still here, I could have walked away at anytime. How can I lead people who don't even trust me?!" He could feel the magic inside Aleksia strengthen with every word she spoke. The one thing that he hated was the feeling that he was helpless to stop it, to help her see how needed she was. How much he needed her.

He was to blame for going behind her back in the first place and now there was nothing he could do or say to fix it. It was a storm that would have to be endured in the hope of eventually regaining what little trust they had built up over the past months. If that would even be possible.   
  
His biggest fear was that she may have lost faith in the Inquisition entirely, not just in him. That she might put herself in danger by trying to leave. As the Inquisitor he had no doubt there would be those who wanted her head by now, as well as those who already wanted to crush the Herald of Andraste, in fact he knew for certain there was. As the Commander of the Inquisitions armies, with the help of the Spymaster’s eyes and ears they had already stopped a few attempts on her life. They hadn’t felt the need to concern her with the details because those responsible never got close enough to her to do any harm. Now he was wondering if they should have, she was completely unaware of the additional dangers out there.

"Aleksia, you have people here who care about you. Friends and followers, they only want to see that you are safe and to help you when it is needed. Surely you have to see that by now?" Cullen pleaded, even though he doubted it would do any good.

"Do I?!" She exclaimed. "All I see is a bunch of mistrustful fools who care only about their own skins and this damned mark on my hand that can save their asses. That is the only reason anyone gives a damn about keeping me safe! You… you even kissed me in Haven knowing you had sent Leliana to spy on me!"

He could feel the magic inside her building to exploding point and it no longer seemed as if she wanted to hold it back. Flames licked at her fingertips as she whirled around to face the door. A large fireball sprung forth and connected with the wood, exploding it into burning shards.   
  
Aleksia barely waited until the flames had cleared before she was out the door and heading down the stairs towards the courtyard. A few steps down, Cullen saw her stumble and grab the stone wall for support. There was no doubt she was still in a weakened state, that would at least give him a chance to catch up to her. He couldn't leave things like this, there was no telling what she might do.

"Aleksia! Please just hear me out," he called after her. She made no signs of stopping, even though there was no doubt she had heard him. Just as Cullen emerged from his office he felt a hand grab his arm to hold him back. He was just about to shake off the offending hand until the owner of it spoke.

"If I was you, I would let her calm down first," Varric said sympathetically. "I take it things didn't go to plan?"

"This would never have happened if you all minded you own business and didn't get involved," Cullen grumbled. Of course he knew that wasn't entirely true. No one made him have Leliana investigate her. It was just easier to lash out at Varric because he there.

"Don't look at me. I told them this was a bad idea," Varric explained as he held up his hands in surrender. "I mean it's not like you have any idea how to charm the ladies, anyone can see that."

"I was _not_ trying to charm the Inquisitor," Cullen snapped back. Maker, was it so obvious that he had feelings for her? He thought he had been discrete and all she ever did was fight with him.

"I hope for your sake that is the truth, otherwise you really need to work on your approach."

~~~~~~~~

Once she was finally out of sight of the office doorway, Aleksia leaned up against one of the Skyhold outer walls and took in a deep, shaky breath. Her side hurt far more than she was willing to admit, she must have stopped Solas’ healing spell long before it would have been completed. However that was the least of her concerns as she clutched the journal tightly in her grasp. She had only read a little before Cullen returned but even that had been enough, it was one thing to live through the experience of what Mercen had put her through in that cell and, something else entirely to read that experience from his sick and twisted mind. To think that someone else made have also read those same words, something so deeply personal to her, it didn't even bare thinking of.

Her chest clenched tight as her stomach twisted into knots so tight that, she couldn't prevent herself from losing what little contents remained in her stomach. It left her dry retching before she could straighten herself back up again. They had no right at all to pry into her life like that, none. Although part of her had wanted Cullen to stop her, to find some magical words that would take all of the pain away and restore her trust. She knew no such words existed. It was unforgivable. Clearly he had only been trying to get close to her to keep an eye on her and not out of any sense of concern, she had been a fool to think otherwise. That was what she did though wasn’t it? Trust in people only to find out that they had another agenda. Care about them only to find out that they never returned those feelings. How could she have been so stupid as to allow it to happen again?

All she had left now was to focus on two things, continue being the Inquisitor they all demanded and to follow through with the plan she had when she first agreed to bringing in the templars. There was no longer any reason to delay no matter what the consequences and personal cost might be. If Mercen was still alive, she would personally see to his demise for what he had done to her. She no longer had any illusions that her life could ever again be what it once was. She had been starting to believe she might be able to trust people again, those in the Inquisition that she worked with. Now she was reminded of her poor judgement when it came to placing her trust in others. It couldn't be done, she couldn't even be sure her trust in Solas, her closest friend, wasn't misguided and wouldn't end in disaster eventually. It was clear now that she truly was and always would be on her own. Maybe she didn't even care if she died taking down Mercen or Corypheus, it would be better than living a life of pain and betrayal.

Even with her damaged and bloody robes still on, she straightened herself up the rest of the way and started towards the main hall. She forced herself to walk as if she wasn't in any pain, no matter how much more it hurt. She also forced herself to hold her head up high as she entered the always occupied hall. Appearances were everything, no matter what it took she would show no weakness. She would keep it up for as long as she needed to complete her tasks.

Aleksia was barely halfway across the hall when she spotted Josephine approaching. "Are you working late again Josephine?" She asked calmly with feigned concern.

"Inquisitor, it is good to see that you are on your feet again. I heard about the attack and the injuries you sustained." Josephine greeted her with a friendly smile and a look of concern. It seemed genuine enough but, so did a lot of people and it didn't mean what she saw in them was the truth.

"Well as you can see, I am perfectly fine other than a few lingering twitches," Aleksia responded.

"I was hoping to have the chance to speak with you before I retired for the night. I wanted to inform you that your own personal quarters are ready. I saw to the preparations whilst you were away. It is the final door on your left, just past the throne." Josephine concluded. She seemed to be proud of her efforts and Aleksia had to admit she would be more than a little grateful to have her own room to retreat to.

"Thank you Josephine, that will be most helpful." Aleksia responded and then gave Josephine a smile. She didn't really feel the smile, it was for appearances. All she really wanted to do was vanish into the depths of that room, away from everyone and her clear lack of ability to read people's true intentions.

"I also took the liberty of having a tub filled. That was some time ago now though so I will send someone to be sure the water is still warm. I am sure you will want to wash up after your trip," she added.

"That sounds perfect. I don't know what the Inquisition would do without you," Aleksia gave her another smile whilst inwardly she was pushing away the pain in her side. Not to mention the exhaustion from lack of sleep whilst she was away, the confrontation with Blackwall hadn’t helped with that.

"Are you sure you are fine? You do look a little pale," Josephine said with concern.

"I am probably just tired, it was a long trip," Aleksia replied as she pretended to stifle a yawn.

"Of course Inquisitor. I shall take my leave so that you can retire for the night. The meeting with the Hero of Ferelden is set for tomorrow morning. I am sure you will want to be well rested for that." Josephine gave a small bow as she took a couple of steps backwards and then turned to leave.

Aleksia let out a sigh, she had all but forgotten about the scheduled meeting with everything else that had happened. That meant that somewhere within Skyhold was also the man she had been expected to marry, despite never having met him before. If she didn't already have a headache as she made her way to her new quarters, then she did now just thinking about how that meeting may end up going.

At the top of the stairs she suddenly felt her breath leave her lungs. In front of her was a room far larger and more elaborate than anything she had expected, or ever remembered living in before. The bed looked soft and inviting, the room was spacious and even the tub looked large enough that two people would fit comfortably. After a lifetime of shared accommodation in the circle with uncomfortable small beds and even smaller wash tubs, it was far more than she ever imagined.

A moment later she forced herself to snap out of it, she couldn't give into how inviting that comfortable bed looked. She needed to clean up and then go and see Leliana. Not even a large, soft bed with comfortable pillows and warm cosy blankets could be allowed to delay her. The only resolution was that it would still be waiting for her when she returned.

Behind her Aleksia heard footsteps in the stairs, "Inquisitor, we have jugs of hot water to warm the tub for you."

"Of course, then please see to it that no one else disturbs me until morning," Aleksia responded.

"As you ask Ma’am," the elf servant replied with a bow. Three others followed her as they each emptied the contents of their jugs into the tub and then left again.

It still felt strange to Aleksia to be the one giving orders rather than taking them. If she were honest it made her more than a little uncomfortable. That was soon forgotten as she slipped into the warm tub of water, tension oozing from her muscles as the water surrounded her. She could smell the faint aroma of Lavender and was that… elfroot? Someone must have suggested it to help with her healing. Who?

She shrugged it off as she rested her head back, at least it wouldn't hurt to take a few minutes to enjoy the warmth of the water easing her aching muscles. Aleksia allowed herself to close her eyes and breath in the scents as she carefully wiped away the blood and grime. Once she felt cleaner than she had in days, she relaxed. When she finally came around again the water had gone cold, it only took a moment to realise she must have fallen asleep.

She wasted no time in scrambling out of the tub and dressing in clean robes with one goal in mind. She picked up the journal she had placed down on the bed and carefully locked it away in the desk drawer. She would confront Leliana about her hand in finding the journal in time but, first she needed something from her. Although her name was littered all over the journal in Mercen’s handwriting one thing was missing, his name. She was still the only one who knew who was responsible for what had been done to her.

She intended to get a list of names of all the Templars in Skyhold. If he was one of them then she would finally be able to end him herself, and she would. No matter what it took, that monster would pay.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter of the year! I must be on a roll :)  
> Comments, Kudos and bookmarks are always appreciated.   
> I hope you enjoy :)

Aleksia pushed away the pangs of guilt that had started to plague her after dressing and leaving her new quarters. Letting her mind wander to Cullen and the fact that she had destroyed the door to his office was a distraction that she didn't have time for. By the time she wrapped her fingers around the door handle of Leliana's room and turned it, she had her mind solely on the task at hand and, was in no way prepared for the sight that greeted her as she opened it.

Leliana was completely naked and straddling over a man that Aleksia had never seen before. She had not even been aware of the fact that the spymaster was dating anyone. If they had not heard the door open, then they surely heard the gasp of surprise from Aleksia the moment afterwards.

A surprised, "Inquisitor," came from Leliana as she removed herself from on top of the man and grabbed for a sheet to cover herself with at the same time.

"That's the Inquisitor?" The man asked as he all but casually rose from the bed, almost as if he was unaware of his naked state (or didn't care which was more likely), to open the closet and pull out a robe to slip on.

Aleksia did her best to avert her eyes from the scene in front of her and remain professional at the same time, "I apologize for the intrusion. I am afraid I must speak with Leliana in private as soon as possible."

"Of course Inquisitor," Leliana replied. "I can meet you in the tower at my desk as soon as I am suitably dressed if that pleases you."

"That will be fine. I will await your arrival," Aleksia agreed as she quickly made her leave from the rather embarrassing situation. Once she was in the hallway she closed the door behind her gratefully. The moment the door was closed, she heard a fit of giggles coming from Leliana that made her smile in return. As embarrassing as the situation had been it was also not difficult to see the more humorous side to which laughter was the only viable response.

~~~~~~~~

As she made her way towards the next set of stairs that lead up to the tower and Leliana's desk, Aleksia heard a rustling sound coming from the direction of the bookshelves. By that time of night, other than a few guard around Skyhold, most everyone should have retired for the night. For a moment as she approached the books her breath caught in the back of her throat. By instinct her hand moved to her staff ready to pull it out of the holster if it was required. She only relaxed again when a familiar figure came into view.

"Dorian! What are you doing up at this hour?" Aleksia asked as she perched herself, somewhat carefully so as not to aggravate her injuries, up on the side of a table that was in front of the bookshelves.

"I could ask you the same thing," he replied as he stood up straight and stretched out an arm to lean against one of the shelves. His expression was one of curiosity as he looked at her.

"Uh huh, you could but I asked first," she chided playfully.

"So you did. I thought I would see if I could find something worthy of bedtime reading but, this selection of literature could really use some flare," he wrinkled his nose in distaste at the spread of books that lined the shelves.

"Well, I am sure you can do something about that. Although I doubt you can do much tonight, at least not at this late hour," she absently picked up a book from the table and turned it over in her hands.

"Right you are," Dorian added and then narrowed his eyes as he peered at her. "So, now it is your turn. What brings you here at this hour? I was under the impression that you would be occupied with the Commander tonight."

Aleksia groaned in protest, "Not you too? Is there anyone in Skyhold who wasn't in on that little scheme?"

"I doubt the servants in the kitchen where aware. So do tell, leave no details out!" He exclaimed with excitement in his voice. His eyes almost appeared as if they were dancing with interest.

"You mean the part where I blew Cullen's door into tiny pieces and escaped?" Aleksia asked gravely.

"How is that even possible? I mean I know how, mage and all but, anyone with eyes can see the way the two of you look at each other across the room. Those long lingering stares, the heat, the chemistry! How could you not take advantage of the situation that was presented to you?" Dorian asked, truly bewildered.

"It's complicated," she responded.

"Show me one thing around here that isn't complicated," Dorian chided as he wiggled a finger in the air between them. "Anything worthwhile usually is."

Aleksia paused for a moment, turning the book over in her hands a couple more times as she was deep in thought. "How do you manage it?" she finally asked.

"Manage what my dear Inquisitor?" he asked puzzled.

"To always see the good in people, even with everything that is going on around us?" Aleksia responded.

"That is just one of my many endearing qualities," he answered with a grin. "Well, so long as you promise not to tell them I said this, it is easy when you are surrounded by good people who are fighting for a just cause."

"I promise, I won't say a word," Aleksia agreed lightly. A moment later her expression turned serious and she hesitated once more before asking what was on her mind, "Do you think Cullen is one of them? Someone who can be trusted?"

"If I answer that question I will never hear the end of it, especially not from the Commander should it get back to him. However, I think you already know the answer to that question. 

You just don't want admit it or, you aren't ready to," Dorian answered with one of his own rare but more serious tones. "These things can take time but I don't believe running from the past solves anything. He is not the past but he could be the present and the future, if you can stop running long enough to see what is right in front of you."

"It may already be too late for that," Aleksia admitted reluctantly. "I may have ran one too many times already."

"I very much doubt that," he replied. "You won't find out by sitting here talking about it to me though. Even if my company is the best Skyhold has to offer."

It was in that moment Leliana approached them. She was on her way to meet Aleksia at her desk as she had agreed to do. "Hello Dorian, a pleasure as always. Inquisitor, I assume you still wish to talk to me?"

"Yes. I will be there in a moment. Thank you," Aleksia responded. She watched as Leliana nodded and then continued on her way towards the next set of stairs. She turned her eyes back to Dorian once Leliana was out of sight, "Thank you for the enjoyable, if not somewhat insightful conversation. I shouldn't keep our spymaster waiting after having disturbed her at such a late hour."

"Of course. I do hope we can do this again soon, I have rather come to enjoy our little chats as brief as some of them may be." Dorian admitted as he gave Aleksia a small, playful bow.

"I would like that," she agreed as she pushed herself up from her perch on the side of the desk and set off in the direction Leliana had gone.

Leliana was seated comfortably behind her desk as Aleksia approached. Several of Leliana's birds were happily squawking and flying around the top of the tower, apparently they had either lost their sense of day and night inside the tower or they didn't care. It did make Aleksia consider just how smart those birds might be, perhaps they were aware of the safety the tower provided. At dusk birds found a safe place to roost for the night, to keep predators at bay but perhaps these birds knew that wasn't required there.

As she sat down on the chair opposite Leliana, the spymaster turned her cool blue eyes in her direction, "So, what was important enough that it couldn't wait until morning?" Leliana asked her with a mixture of what looked to be curiosity and concern.

Aleksia took in a deep breath, "This is just between you and me and is not to go any further. I am assuming you have a list of names for all of the residents in Skyhold?"

"I do," Leliana answered easily. As the spymaster it was her job to know everything and everyone that had any connection to the Inquisition. Her response came as no real surprise, in fact it was expected.

"I require a copy of that list as soon as possible," Aleksia said with a commanding tone. It would have been easier to have asked for a list of only the templars but that would have also been far more obvious. Although Aleksia knew Leliana was no fool and could probably figure out why she wanted the list without too much effort. That is where she was hoping her position as Inquisitor would see too it that her request for it to remain between the two of them, would be granted.

"That is no small request. Is there a problem I should be aware of?" Leliana asked as she eyed Aleksia thoughtfully.

"Nothing that I can't deal with myself. I just need to see to it as soon as possible," she answered cryptically but, she wasn't foolish enough to think that Leliana couldn't see right through her request. Not when she was the one who had found the journal in the first place.

"I will have it sent to your quarters within the hour. Was there anything else?" Leliana asked as she sat back in her chair and folded her arms.

Aleksia shook her head, "No. That is all I need, thank you. I am also truly sorry for the interruption, I wasn't aware you were entertaining anyone."

Leliana chuckled, "Is that what they are calling it these days?"

Aleksia smiled in return, "Now you are starting to sound like Varric."

Leliana wrinkled her nose in feigned distaste with amusement showing in her eyes, "I am aren't I? Perhaps I should spend less evenings in the tavern indulging in his stories."

"They are a little far fetched most of the time," Aleksia agreed.

"Most stories are. At least any worth listening to. Just wait until you meet our Hero, now he has some stories to tell and the best part about them is that they are actually true." Leliana had a very clear tone of admiration in her voice as she spoke of the hero.

"That's right, you travelled with him during the blight didn't you? I have to admit I wish I was looking forward to that meeting a little more than I am. I am sure a lot of people would give anything to be in my shoes," she said, afterwards a small sigh escaped her lips. It was the Hero of Ferelden after all but, it was also someone she was supposed to be betrothed to. A betrothal that somehow she had to get out of, without affecting the Inquisitions potential alliance with the Cousland family.

"You may be surprised with how that meeting turns out. I am sure it won't be nearly as dreadful as you're imagining," Leliana said knowingly.

"Well, I hope you are right. In any case I won't keep you any longer, I am sure you want to get that list organised so that you can return to your guest," Aleksia said as she stood up from the chair to take her leave.

"Inquisitor...," Leliana said. She waited until Aleksia turned her head around to look at her once more before she continued, "If you find what you're looking for on that list, I want to remind you of something I was recently reminded of myself. Now is precisely the time to hold on to ideals. I would also like to remind you that you have friends here who would be more then willing to assist you with anything you need and I do mean anything. Even matters of a more personal nature. You aren't in this alone."

Aleksia hesitated for a moment with no idea how to respond. In the end she simply gave Leliana a small nod before she continued on towards the safety of her quarters. She really did appreciate Leliana's sentiment but, this situation was entirely different and she did have to deal with it on her own. No matter what anyone else thought, it was her problem, not the Inquisitions and using Inquisition resources to deal with it was out of the question as far as she was concerned.

~~~~~~~~

 

Cullen sat down at his desk the moment he returned to his office. It hadn't taken his men long at all to fix the door. The task had been completed before he even returned from the morning's war room meeting. At that moment he was glad to be back in his office again and away from that meeting. Although they had both behaved professionally throughout, he could feel the tension between them throughout the entire meeting and he was certain he wasn't the only one who could. Focusing on work would take his mind off Aleksia and the fact that she was at that very moment in a meeting with the Hero of Ferelden, he was very well aware of what that meant. Work was easier than allowing jealously to bubble to the surface. As far as he was concerned he had no right to feel that way and so he wouldn't allow it.

Just as he placed a stack of reports in front of him and began reading, Leliana breezed into his office. Like most around Skyhold she didn't bother knocking first, that irritated him slightly but not enough to make mention of it.

"Commander, do you have a moment?" she asked as she came to a stop on the opposite side of his desk.

"I believe I can spare one or two," he replied as he placed the quill in his hand back down beside the report.

"I need to speak with you about the Inquisitor," she continued.

That had his attention a little faster then he would have liked, "Has there been another assassination threat?"

Leliana shook her head quickly, "No, at least none that have been brought to my attention. This matter is a different matter."

Cullen narrowed his eyes, the last time they spoke about the Inquisitor that didn't involve assassination attempts was when Leliana had acquired the journal. He was certain whatever this was he didn't want to hear it. No good could come of yet another incident like that, "If this has anything to do with her past, then I want no part in it."

Leliana frowned, "This is important Commander and you need to hear it."

"She found out about the journal and do you know what her response was? To destroy the door to my office and leave as quickly as possible. Rightly so, we had no right to go prying into her personal life. Unless this is Inquisition business then I want no part in it," Cullen added with an air of irritation. Part of him blamed Leliana, even though it was irrational, after all he was the one who had asked her to send agents to Ostwick in the first place.

"She could be putting herself in danger. She asked for a list of names for everyone in Skyhold. Cullen..." Leliana's tone softened to one of genuine concern, "I think she is going after him and I think she is going to try doing it on her own."

Cullen let out a long breath as he ran his fingers through his hair. If Leliana was right, there was no telling what might happen to Aleksia. As much as he wanted no part in it, he couldn't very will sit back and do nothing. Not if there was a chance she could be in danger. "How long will it take her to go through that list?"

"A day, maybe two." she answered. "That is assuming he is even here, there is every chance he died along with the other templars at the conclave or in the uprising that followed."

"She would have known if he was at the conclave, I think it is safe enough to assume he was not. What are the chances that he is here? We don't even have a name to go by and it's not like I can place guards on her, that would be a little too obvious." He curled his hands in to fists, just barely resisting the urge to smash them down on to the desk. Would she have come to him for help if that journal had never been discovered?

"Maybe not but... I can have agents watch her discreetly," Leliana mused.

"I don't see that we have any other choice," Cullen responded reluctantly. "They would have to monitor her every move, and be prepared to set in if she appears to be in any danger. We need to know everyone she meets with. We need that blasted name, if we had that we might be able to act before she does."

"As a seeker, Cassandra might be able to get a list of which templars served and where or know who can," Leliana added thoughtfully.

"She is going to want to know why we need that information," Cullen said hesitantly.

"Perhaps we should tell her," Leliana suggested.

"No. Leave Cassandra to me, I think I can come up with a plausible reason for wanting a list of templars who served in various circles," Cullen responded quickly.

"If we don't tell her, she may not see the urgency in the situation. Who knows how long you will have to wait for that list?" Leliana prodded.

"We will just have to hope she doesn't take too long. The less people who know about this the less chance there is of Aleksia finding out that we are spying on her, again." Cullen reached a hand to his nose, pinching the bridge between his thumb and index finger, "Maker help us if she does."

Just as Leliana reached the door to leave, she turned back around to look at Cullen. "You really care about her don't you?"

Cullen pressed his lips together as he hesitated on answering Leliana's question. After the scheme that had taken place the night before, it was fairly obvious that the advisors and Aleksia's assembled team at least thought that there was something between them but, that didn't mean he was willing to admit it out loud to anyone.

"Don't worry, you don't have to answer that question. I can see it written all over your face and in the words you aren't saying," Leliana continued. "I could see it in hers too last night when I was talking to her. Maybe if we are lucky she will come to you before any real damage is done. Perhaps it is the romantic in me speaking but I think you could both use a little happiness amidst all of this chaos. I know I for one would like to see it happen and It probably wouldn't hurt for others to see something good come from all this either."

Cullen remained quiet and lost with his own thoughts. He offered Leliana little more than a nod as she turned back around and left the office. He thought perhaps there was some truth to her words, but he wasn't about to admit it out loud to anyone. At that moment it also seemed very unlikely it would ever happen, nothing he could say or do would change that.

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> Just letting you know there is a trigger warning for this chapter for withdrawal symptoms. Please be wary if such things trigger you and be prepared! :)  
> Otherwise I hope you enjoy this latest chapter.
> 
> As always comments, kudos and bookmarks are much appreciated! They make my day, give me warm fuzzy feelings and help me to keep writing. Thank you all so much for your support so far.

She straightened her already straight robes for the fifth time in as many minutes, before she turned to face Josephine, "Are you certain I am dressed appropriately?" Aleksia asked again for the third time.

"You look fine. I assure you this won't be nearly as difficult as you imagine it to be," Josephine responded with a tone of amusement that Aleksia felt was in place to mask her own concern over the upcoming meeting.

Aleksia let out a long nervous sigh as she leaned up against the war room table, "I an sorry. I know I’m being impossible, it’s just that I've never met anyone as well known as the Hero before and he is expecting a Trevelyan. I haven't been a Trevelyan since I was a small child, not really." She added quietly, "I don't even remember how to be one."

"I am sure he knows you have been in the circle for many years, just relax and be yourself. Everything will be fine," Josephine reassured her with her usual friendly smile. Normally that smile was enough to relax her, at least a little, before any important meetings but not this time.

"I wish I had your confidence. I know the Inquisition could use the support of the Cousland family but Josephine, I just can't agree to a marriage like this," Aleksia says with a worried expression. This was the first time she had said that out loud and she knew it was the truth. She had known love before with Lucas and the idea of a loveless marriage to a complete stranger, almost made her shake just thinking about it. Before she would have handled brushing the idea off with ease, hell she would probably have even said something witty, or charming to the Hero was she let him down. Now she was certain she had forgotten _how_ to deal with people because she had no idea how to even begin.

"I doubt anyone is expecting you to go that far just to secure an alliance for the Inquisition," Josephine responded with that same reassuring tone.

"What if he does and I mess this up by saying the wrong thing?" The Hero of Ferelden would be walking through the door at any moment and her hands had just started shaking, nothing she did would make them stop. "I can’t do this," she whispered.

Josephine moved in front of Aleksia and held both of her hands outwards, the palms facing upwards, "I want you to try something. Take my hands and look at me."

Aleksia glanced down at Josephine's hands for a moment. There was a time when she wouldn't have hesitated at any kind of physical contact, a time when she was always there with a hug for a friend who needed one. Now she hesitated all the time. She cringed if someone so much as touched her arm unexpectedly, she purposely kept herself at a safe distance from others most times to prevent them from being able to reach her. Rarely did she feel relaxed but instead tense and on edge, even more so now after finding Cullen with the journal.

Aleksia had welcomed Cullen's kisses, the night with Blackwall and Solas’ hugs because she had craved the contact and yet at the same time she also hesitated. It dawned on her that she didn't trust anything or anyone any more, she always expected an ulterior motive behind friendly gestures.

She extended her shaking hands to Josephine's and raised her eyes to meet the other woman as had been requested. She tensed when she felt the cooler fingers against her own.

"Now take in a deep breath, hold it for a moment, and let it out," Josephine instructed. Aleksia followed the instructions and as she took in a lungful of air then released it. She felt her nerves starting to leave with the air she exhaled. "Again," Josephine continued.

After following those instructions a few more times the shaking in Aleksia's hands was almost completely gone. She was still tense but at least she wasn’t shaking nearly as badly as she had been.

"Now relax," Josephine said. "Remember one very important thing, although he is the infamous Hero of Ferelden he is also only just a man like any other. It should be no more difficult talking to him than it is talking to Varric and, if it helps you could always try picturing him naked. That way, at least in your mind, he will also look like any other man without the fancy attire," Josephine flashed her a grin as she released Aleksia's hands.

She couldn't help but smile back, there was clearly a cheekier side to the ambassador that she didn’t show very often. Of course Aleksia doubted picturing the Hero naked would really help much at all but, she had to admit she did feel better, "Thanks Josephine. I'm glad you are here to make sure I don't completely mess this up."

Just as Josephine was about to speak again the door to the war room opened. Aleksia spun around and found herself looking directly at the naked man from Leliana’s quarters, only this time, he was fully dressed in formal attire with the Cousland family crest neatly fixed to the shoulders. "You’re the naked man!" She blurted out before she could stop the words from exiting her mouth.

Josephine’s jaw dropped and then she mumbled under her breath, "That's not exactly how I meant it."

Aleksia didn't respond to Josephine's comment because she was too busy being horrified at herself for the words that had slipped out. If she wasn't, she probably would have burst out laughing at the expression on the other woman's astounded expression. Instead she kept her attention on Thadeus Cousland, the Hero of Ferelden and someone she just completely embarrassed herself in front of, for the second time. "Why didn't you mention who you were last night?"

Thadeus’ blue-green eyes wrinkled with amusement, overall he was actually rather good looking with short dark brown hair, friendly eyes that looked as if they had seen more than any one person should ever have to see and, an athletic figure that would turn the eyes of many women, perhaps even some men. All of which was over shined by his obvious amusement, "If I did that, I wouldn't have had the pleasure of seeing you embarrass yourself first. I fear it will be my turn to do so next, which made this opportunity too good to pass up," He responded with ease.

"What makes you say that?" Aleksia asked curiously. She noted that he was clearly better at dealing with people than she was because, her nerves had already started to fade in the face of his easy going nature and open expression.

"I know what deal our parents believe they have agreed to with each other, for the benefit of both families and I am afraid it is one I can not honor," he answered sympathetically. "For obvious reasons," he added unnecessarily.

Aleksia was certain the relief she felt must have been written all over her own face, "Leliana. How long have you been together?" As Aleksia glanced over at Josephine she realised that this was not new to her, she had clearly known about Thadeus and Leliana’s relationship. There was no sign of surprise registering across her features at all, "You knew about this?" She threw at Josephine.

"In your ambassadors defense, I felt it would be better coming directly from me. We weren't certain how you might react to this revelation," Thadeus stepped in before Josephine had a chance to respond.

"Relieved would have to be the honest response," Aleksia said. "I mean I am sure you would be a perfectly acceptable husband, I just.." Her voice trailed off as she wasn't entirely sure how to word the remainder of what she had been about to say. The reasons she had were complicated, beyond just wanting to wait for love to marry. There was also Cullen, or at least maybe the chance of Cullen once she had sorted out the mess that was her life. She just wasn't ready to admit that, not even to herself.

"You too believe such a union should be with someone you care for and not a stranger?" He prodded and Aleksia could see that he too, was just as relieved as she was.

"Yes, that is part of it," she admitted. "I am also just not ready for my life to take such a leap yet. So what happens next? I am sure I don't have to explain how helpful it would be for the Inquisition to have the support of the Couslands."

"Unfortunately our family politics have taken an unknown direction recently." Thadeus began as he turned to the war table, absently studying the maps laid out on top. "If it were simply up to my brother and myself you would have our full support. However, it has recently been brought to our attention that we have a cousin who also holds some claim to the Cousland estate. Our father's health isn’t what it once was, he is currently in no condition to run the family estates himself. With my absence the task had fallen to my brother, now with this latest development we may also require the approval of our cousin to lend the Inquisition aid."

"Is there any chance we might be able to set up a meeting between the four of us to at least discuss the possibility?" Aleksia asked. She had the distinct feeling there was something Thadeus was holding back.

"I will certainly do my best to see that happen but I can't make any promises," he replied as he turned around and raised his eyes to meet Alexia's. "I have to be honest, I am not sure what our chances are at this point. My cousins motives remain, unclear. It’s just a feeling I have but, something about him seems wrong."

"I appreciate you being honest with us." She said with sincerity. "Let's not be too concerned at this point, at least not until we know if he will agree to a meeting." Aleksia had to force herself to resist biting her lower lip, if the Hero of Ferelden was concerned about this cousin of his there was most likely a good reason for it. So despite her words she too was worried and, judging by the expression on Josephine's face, she wasn't the only one. "I am leaving with an expedition to the storm coast at noon today. Our business there could take a week or longer, that should be time enough to receive word back from your cousin, we can discuss it again when I return."

"I agree, that does seem to be the best course of action at this point," he replied. "You should know I have also been trying to find out what I can about the missing Grey Wardens but, I fear I've not had any more luck than the Inquisition has. If I do find anything I will be sure to let you know," he promised.

As Aleksia studied him more closely she could see the signs of someone with a lot on his mind. There were clear dark rings under his eyes which indicated a lack of sleep, she suspected Leliana wasn't the entire reason for that. The slight slump of his shoulders also hinted at a deeper concern, with all of the Wardens seemingly missing she could only imagine the stress of the situation for him. Especially with people questioning their loyalties given the timing of the missing Wardens and Corypheus showing himself. "I will do the same for you the moment we know anything," she also promised and was granted a grateful look in return.

"I won't hold you up any longer Inquisitor but I do look forward to speaking again when you return," he said with a small bow and a smile that she was sure had probably melted a lot of hearts over the years. She watched as Thadeus left through the war room door that Cullen had just left open as he entered.

As Aleksia’s eyes met Cullen’s, Josephine was quick to excuse herself from the room. She was mumbling something about having rooms to organise for guests arriving later that day, although it was more than likely she did, her hasty exit was more likely so she didn’t end up caught in between their more recent arguments. Either way it left them alone for the first time since she had blown up his office door the previous night, something Aleksia had been trying to avoid.

"So, you’re going on another trip again already?" Cullen asked as he shuffled around to the other side of the war room table and began rifling through papers.

"In a few hours. I should probably go and start packing," she said as she started towards the doors. Truthfully she just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, before any other topics of conversation could arise.

"Shouldn’t you postpone it for a few days under the circumstances?" Cullen asked. There was something in his voice that despite her better judgement, had her turning around to face him rather than walking out of the room.

"I am fine," she responded in an attempt at being reassuring. "Solas must have had enough time to heal the wound fairly well, it is hardly bothering me at all," she lied. Her side still hurt almost as much as it did the night before but, she hated being at Skyhold with all of the templars who were now a permanent presence. It was a constant battle trying to navigate her way around without running into them and one she failed more often than not.

"You aren’t going on this trip to try and avoid me are you? If that is it you don't need to concern yourself, I intend to keep my distance whenever possible," Cullen said with a detached tone as he continued to look through the stack of papers.

Although she seemed to find it easy to become mad at Cullen, to raise her voice and speak words that she often didn't really mean. She found it equally impossible to stay that way, especially when she really let herself look at him. There was a tiredness in his eyes that went beyond lack of sleep, there was also the occasional cringes of pain that she assumed was the result of tension headaches. He had this other look of pain that ran deep but surfaced every so often and then, he also had the brief moments of clarity both times right before he had kissed her. None of which she could see any longer.

Her stomach twisted involuntarily, perhaps she _had_ pushed him away one too many times. Any chance there may have been for something real with Cullen appeared to be closed to her now. She hadn't realised until that moment just how much she had wanted it.

"That's not it," she answered quietly. "I am not going because I want to avoid you, please believe that."

Cullen looked upwards and by all appearances was expressionless for the first time since she had known him, "Very well. I just didn't want you pushing yourself too hard on my account.

With that said he picked up the report he had obviously been looking for and left, leaving Aleksia staring at the hall he had just walked down long after he was gone.

~~~~~~~~

The flickering candle on the desk cast the only light available in Cullen's office. Once dusk set on Skyhold it came on quickly and with a vengeance, it was one of the reasons for the many torches all over that servants were responsible for keeping lit. The day, like many others had been a long one in which he purposely kept himself busy. He had revised all of the patrol routes throughout the Hinterlands and set up extra training exercises for all of the soldiers. Now, whilst most everyone else was enjoying some evening relaxation, he was busy reading over reports.

It was easier than thinking, he knew Aleksia's injury was worse than she claimed and that she was pushing herself too hard. Spending the night worrying would undoubtedly increase the headaches already plaguing him and with it, the temptation to open his desk draw and take the lyrium contained within. At least that was the plan until he _thought_ about the lyrium and the throbbing in his head. His stomach clenched at the thought of one day soon being unable to perform his duties effectively and with that, maybe unable to protect _her_. Could he really allow that to happen?

He reached for the draw and slid it open, as he reached inside and his fingers wrapped around the vial. He could almost taste the sweet lyrium flavour taunting his taste buds. Of course at first he had thought the flavour to be disgusting but, over time and with the addiction that followed it was one of the sweetest things he had ever tasted. There was also the sudden burst of power that followed consumption, it came in a rush and for a while made him feel as if he could accomplish anything. On lyrium he felt strong, without it he was starting to feel weak and tired.

He knew it was becoming more difficult to call on his templar powers, his abilities to sense magic and drain the spells of the mage apprentices before they could cast didn’t work as well as they used to. At the same time being leashed to a drug for the rest of his life, as well as the possibility of losing his mind in time and the thought of being forever tied to the order that had failed so many, sickened him.

Out of nowhere the door to his office burst open and Leliana hurried inside. Cullen quickly released his fingers from the vial and closed the draw.

"I think we have a problem," she said quickly. "I have lost contact with the agents out near the forest camp in The Hinterlands. They were assigned to trail the Inquisitor’s movements."

Cullen felt a chill roll through him as he considered Leliana's words, "Weren't they supposed to be camping there tonight before moving on to the Storm Coast tomorrow?"

"Precisely. The birds should have arrived with an update an hour ago but they still haven't returned. With the last assassination attempt on the Inquisitor I don't think we can ignore this," Leliana added with obvious concern. It was something the spymaster didn't show often.

"No. We can't," Cullen agreed as he quickly jumped up from his desk and rushed towards the door to his office. "Tell Solas to meet me at the stables."

"You’re going?" Leliana asked with surprise. Cullen worked hard both at Haven and Skyhold but rarely went out into the field himself unless they needed every hand on deck. This time he knew he had no choice.

"I can't just sit here and do nothing while she could be out there hurt, or worse. I need to know," he responded with a shake in his voice. After the destruction of Haven, he was also one of the few who refused to stop looking when the Inquisitor was missing. He had refused to rest then and he wouldn't sit back and do nothing now.

"I understand," Leliana said knowingly. "I will send Solas and round up some of your soldiers to join you, and Cullen?" She waited until he looked back at her before she continued, "Good luck."

He nodded and then half walked and half ran towards the stables. He couldn't shake the lump that felt as if it was forming in the pit if his stomach. _Maker please let her be alright. I should have talked her out of going on this blasted trip._


	28. Chapter 28

The flames from the camps fire danced gently with the light breeze. The camp itself was nestled neatly in the forest between the towering tall trees, with tents spread out over the small clearing. For the most part the trip had been uneventful. That was until they reached the forest itself and found themselves facing some rather large, angry looking bears. The battle that followed had gone on for close to an hour but, at least none of the team had been injured in the process.

Aleksia stretched her legs out in front as she recounted that mornings meeting with the Hero of Ferelden to Dorian and Varric. Blackwall was close by but not really sitting with the rest of them, he had been unusually quiet throughout the journey. She didn't really have to wonder why that was. Dorian and Varric had both been fairly vocal on what they thought she should be doing with Cullen for almost the entirety of the trip, she was sure the more she brushed off their comments the worse they became.

With their banter she didn't miss the occasional glances from Blackwall in her direction and the pained expression that went with them. Sometimes she wished she couldn't read people like she did, it would be far easier not to know when she had hurt someone. She had hurt him and she should have seen it coming.

"I can imagine the look on Ruffles face when you said that," Varric chuckled at whatever image he was conjuring in his head as Aleksia told them the story.

"Although I didn't think so at the time, looking back now it was pretty funny," Aleksia agreed with a smile.

She took in a deep breath of open fresh air, away from Skyhold and all of what came with it she felt the tension leaving her body. The freedom of the atmosphere even allowed her to enjoy the banter with her companions around the fire. It was so much easier being away from the templars, not having to worry about running into one every time she turned a corner. There was also the demands of being the Inquisitor. Constant meetings, often with members of noble families, runners with messages keeping her up to date with the day to day activities, the constant training, it was a position she doubted she would ever really be comfortable with. The only downfall to the evening was the pain in her side, which seemed to have increased in intensity during the trip. She was fairly certain she had been successful in keeping her discomfort from the others, she was no stranger to hiding pain. There was no point in concerning them with her problems.

"I hope you told that Hero what he could do with his families marriage request. You my dear should at least wait until you find someone, almost, as good looking as myself before you even consider taking such a step," Dorian added before he took a sip of ale. The ale was compliments of Varric who felt no camping trip was complete without it.

Aleksia looked down at the ground as she absently kicked the dirt with a brown leather booted foot. "I am not planning on marrying Thadeus Cousland," she responded quietly. The way things worked in Skyhold they would have found out soon enough anyway, nothing ever seemed to stay quiet for long.

"Ahh I bet Curly will be glad to hear that," Varric injected.

Aleksia's eyes snapped to Varric before she could even tell herself not to look at him. In her peripheral vision she could see Blackwall stand and head away from the camp. She knew he wouldn't go far, not while they were out on the field and she was there to ‘protect’. It was knowing _why_ that bothered her and she really couldn't keep putting off talking to him.

She pushed herself up to her feet, careful not to cringe at the pain sudden movement induced, "I am going to get some air and then some rest. I suggest the two of you get some rest soon as well. We leave early and it would be far more beneficial than sitting here gossiping about other people's lives." Her tone was lighthearted enough, as frustrating as it was having them constantly ribbing her about Cullen, they meant well and she knew it. The banter was just their way of keeping morale up whenever it was possible.

She was right about Blackwall not going far. She found him sitting on a log under a tree after following the same direction he had taken. Although he didn't show any signs of hearing her approach she knew he must have, he was too smart to let his guard down and not be alert to any sounds. "Hey, is there room here for one more?" Aleksia asked as she stepped in front of him and motioned to the space beside him.

Blackwall responded with a small nod but he didn't say anything, nor did he look at her. She deserved no less and she knew it, so she would take whatever response she could get, it was better than none.

During past trips they had been getting along just fine, they worked well together in combat and she enjoyed his company. She found herself missing the easy banter between them, the last thing she had wanted was to ruin what was looking to be a good friendship. They both sat in silence for what seemed like forever, each with their own thoughts.

"I am going to be honest and say, I have no idea where to start," Aleksia finally admitted.

"I thought you pretty much covered it the last time we spoke," Blackwall said gruffly.

"Yeah, that conversation didn't exactly end how I would have liked it to," Aleksia explained as she turned her head to look at him. "I am really sorry, I didn't mean for you to get hurt. If you believe it or not, our friendship means a lot to me and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin that."

"I knew what it was that night. I shouldn't have expected more, the fault lies entirely with me and it won't happen again," Blackwall responded with a detached tone.

"Well, that's just not true," Aleksia responded quietly, "I suspected, and I never should have let it happen. Things between us, they aren't going to be the same again are they?" She asked sadly, already knowing the answer.

"I don't see how they can be," he responded. Aleksia thought she could hear a slight hitch of emotion in his voice, "maybe in time it will sort itself out."

"I hope so," she said sincerely. What she really needed, maybe even more than she realised was friends she could rely on, people she could learn to trust.

They sat there again in silence for a long time. Eventually Blackwall shifted a little, enough that their shoulders were touching. They had spent nights in camp just like that before, without speaking, a comfortable silence between friends who needed companionship rather than being alone. Aleksia tilted her head until it was resting on his shoulder. Maybe in time their friendship could go back to what it was, or at least something close enough.

~~~~~~~~

Although the ride out to the camp was only hours long and Cullen had been on much longer trips before, it _felt_ like the longest of his life. Not knowing what they might find at the end of the path played on his mind the entire time. All kinds of disturbing images plagued him. Would they find the team and _her_ dead? Tortured? Would the assassins work quickly or inflict as much pain as possible? He had almost convinced himself by the end that they would be walking into a hellish nightmare. It was a thought which only increased in intensity when they found Leliana's agents murdered, work that was clearly done by professionals.

There was no doubt in his mind that Aleksia was in a _lot_ of trouble and all he could do was pray they got there in time. Along the way Solas had even been required to remind Cullen to rest the horses and allow them to drink, otherwise they would have been forced to take the remainder of the journey on foot. All he could think about was getting there as quickly as possible, with as few delays as possible. They traveled with ten of Cullen's best soldiers and he hoped that would be enough. To rally more would have meant delaying departure from Skyhold and he hadn't been prepared to take any more time in getting to her.

They bought the horses to a stop a small distance from the camp. Cullen and Solas took the lead, with all of them prepared for an ambush if need be. Maker willing, Cullen hoped it wouldn't be needed. That he wouldn't be walking into his worst fears. It was as they drew closer to the camp that he realised exactly what the direction of his thoughts throughout the trip really meant. He couldn't bare the thought that he might lose her, he didn't just care about this woman. He loved her and he would do anything to keep her safe. How in the maker's name that had happened he didn't know but, it had. It didn't matter if the feelings were returned or not, what mattered was her being okay and having the chance to live a long happy life. She deserved that even if it meant seeing her with Blackwall or someone else, dammit she deserved it. He would rain hell down on anyone who got in the way of that.

Up ahead the glow from the camp fire came into view, Cullen felt his stomach clench into a tight ball. As they moved closer the flames from the campfire became visible, as did the two figures sitting by it. From all appearances the camp seemed to be untouched, the figures that were mere shadows at first, turned out to be Varric and Dorian who were happily engaged in a debate. It seemed Varric was trying to convince Dorian that the women in Kirkwall were better looking than those in Ferelden.

His eyes searched almost frantically around the remainder of the camp, finding out that Aleksia was nowhere to be seen. The moment he was close enough he spoke up, surprising the two men in the process, "Where is the Inquisitor?"

"Curly!" Varric exclaimed, "what brings you out here?"

"There may be trouble," Cullen explained in a hurry. "Where is the Inquisitor?"

Varric motioned in the direction he had seen Aleksia go sometime earlier, "She said something about a walk before retiring for the night. I think Blackwall is out that way too. What's the problem?"

"Solas can explain," he said quickly as he rushed off in the direction that Varric had pointed.

He didn't even take the time to consider _who_ Varric said she was with, all he could think of was the burning need to see for himself that she was alive. There was just enough of the glow from the fire reaching through the forest for him to make out the two silhouettes. Both of them sitting on a log and looking somewhat cozy with Aleksia's head resting on Blackwall's shoulder. Cullen came to a sudden halt, his heart almost felt as if it stopped in that moment. Aleksia and Blackwall, she always pushed him away and he always found her with Blackwall. It was so clear.

"Did you hear that?" Aleksia said loud enough that Cullen could hear her.

"I did. Stay here," Blackwall responded as he jumped quickly to his feet. Cullen could hear the sound of him unsheathing his sword, after the last attack Blackwall was obviously not taking any chances.

Cullen had little choice but to announce his presence. Just because the assassins hadn’t made their move yet, it didn't mean they weren't going to at any moment.

"Relax, it's just me," he said as he stepped closer to them. In truth what he really wanted to do was escape in the opposite direction but, her safety was far more important than that of his discomfort. He took in a deep breath and pushed it away, he was Commander Cullen Rutherford, leader of the Inquisitions armies and as such that is who he would be.

"Cullen?" Aleksia asked with surprise as she stood up and spun around to face him, "what are you doing out here?"

"Is there some trouble we should know about?" Blackwall asked as he replaced his sword and stepped up beside Aleksia.

_Don't focus on them. Just pay attention to the task at hand._ Cullen cleared his throat and then nodded. "It does appear so," he explained. "We lost contact with Leliana’s agents in this area so we came to investigate. On the way here I am afraid we discovered their bodies. It looks like the work of professionals and not your basic raiders."

"So there could be assassins after the Inquisitor again?" Blackwall asked. "That can't be a coincidence, not again so soon."

"I agree," Cullen said as he turned his attention to Aleksia. "Someone has to have a fairly hefty price on your head for them to go to this much trouble."

"I assume we have no idea who?" Aleksia asked. Cullen thought he could hear a shake in her voice as she spoke.

"Not at this stage but I promise everything is being done to find out," Cullen reassured her as best he could.

"I thought demons coming through holes scattered all over was bad enough," she said softly with a small shake of her head. Her attention focused in on Cullen as if something had just come to her, "you could have sent soldiers to tell me that. Why didn’t you?"

For a moment he had almost forgotten that Blackwall was there as he looked back at Aleksia. There was a look in her eyes that he couldn't describe, it pulled at him in ways he had never known before and robbed him of the ability to form words.

Blackwall cleared his throat and took a couple of steps backwards, "I umm. I will check the area for any signs of disturbances." With that he made a hasty retreat that Cullen barely noticed.

What he did know was the fact that they were alone and, standing there looking at each other with neither saying a word. From what he could see Aleksia looked exhausted, even more than she had at Skyhold. It may have been the lack of lighting but she also looked extremely pale in the semi darkness.

The moment was interrupted by his thoughts intruding, an image of Aleksia and Blackwall sitting side by side as he had approached them broke into his mind. "You and Blackwall.." he started with no idea how to finish his unanswered question.

"Are just friends," she answered softly. "You didn't answer my question," she prodded.

"I..," he paused. How was he going to answer that? She was the Inquisitor and she was Aleksia. There was so much he still didn't know other than the fact that she had been through far more than any one person should have to deal with and, that it wasn't over yet. Just because he had feelings for her it didn’t mean she returned them, or if she did that she was ready to hear it yet. "I guess I just wanted to take the opportunity to get away from Skyhold for a while. It doesn’t happen often."

He almost thought he could see disappointment in her eyes as she responded, "I guess I can understand that. It can be very demanding at times." She hesitated for a moment before speaking again, "Well we should probably go and start organising guard rotations for the night so that sleep can be achieved at some point."

"I can take care of that," Cullen said. "You already look as if you are past needing a good night's sleep."

"Is that your way of telling me I look terrible Commander?" She asked with a teasing tone.

"Maker no! You are…. I just walked right into that didn’t I?" He asked as his initial horrified thoughts gave way to the realisation that she wasn't serious.

"I believe you did but, you didn't finish what you were saying." She took a step forward closing the gap between them a little.

Cullen swallowed hard. Was she flirting with him or was he simply imagining it because that was what he wanted? He was searching her eyes, looking for anything that would give him the answer. "When one sees a trap, they rarely step into it willingly," he said with a low voice. He was inwardly fighting against the urge to close that gap between them and it wasn't an easy battle. Not when he could remember so vividly how warm and soft her lips felt against his.

"Not all traps are…" at first her voice _almost_ sounded seductive, like it was simmering with heat. That was until it faltered and Aleksia swayed on her feet. A hand shot out and grabbed his arm, "Cullen… I don't feel so.."

He reacted the moment he realised her legs were giving out from under her. He was quick to slip an arm around her waist and scoop her up as she lost consciousness. His hand came into contact with a damp almost sticky patch of fluid on her side where the sword wound was, as he pulled his fingers away he could see the dark color of blood seeping through her robes.

With Aleksia cradled in his arms he hurried back to the camp, a sense of dread gripped at him with each step, "Solas she needs you right now."

"What happened?" Solas asked with concern as he rushed over to Cullen.

"She seemed fine and then suddenly she collapsed. The sword wound on her side is bleeding again," Cullen answered as quickly as he could. He had no doubt the fear he was feeling was visible for all to see but at that moment all he cared about was the pale, limp woman in his arms, "Which is the Inquisitor's tent?"

"Over here," Dorian said as he jumped to action and started undoing the ties on the front of her tent. Once he was done he held the flaps back so that Cullen could get Aleksia inside.

Once inside the tent he carefully laid Aleksia down on the bedroll and then lit the small lamp. The tent was barely high enough for him to stand so he sat down over to one side, making sure Solas had plenty of room.

Solas pulled a dagger out from where it was hidden in his boot and began using it to cut her robes away from the wound. Each cut seemed to take forever but Cullen knew he was being careful. As Solas pulled the material away Cullen cringed at what he saw and almost had to look away. Aleksia’s skin around the sword wound was angry, red and inflamed. He had seen enough infected wounds over the years to know exactly what was going on. "Maker’s breath, that has to be painful." If the others had known it was that bad they wouldn't have allowed her to keep going. He could only think that she must have been hiding it from them but, he had no idea how she had managed it.

"The wound is very badly infected," Solas agreed. "Commander, I am going to require your assistance. The infection is moving to her bloodstream, she doesn't have enough time to wait until we get back to Skyhold. I am going to have to heal it, properly this time."

Cullen gave a nod in agreement, "what do you want me to do?"

"You’re going to have to hold her down. If she comes around before I am done, she will stop me again," Solas said gravely.

"She’s scared of healing magic," Cullen said absently his eyes glued to Aleksia’s face, not realising he had said it out loud.

"I am sorry Commander, there’s no other way," Solas responded sympathetically. He seemed to be just as concerned about the possible outcome as Cullen did.

Without saying anything further Cullen moved over to Aleksia. He glanced down at her pale face, there were beads of sweat that lined her brow. If it was at all possible, she looked even more fragile than she had the day in the holding cell. He reached over and brushed her hair from her face, "Is this going to work?"

"I hope so," Solas responded.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!  
> Sorry for the slight delay in getting this chapter out. Unexpected parent visitor for a few days.  
> In any case it is here now and I hope it is worth the wait. :)

Cullen never thought there would be a time when he would be holding someone down to force magic on them and yet, that was exactly what he was about to do. He positioned himself beside Aleksia and as his eyes fell to her face his stomach clenched tightly at the thought of what they were about to do. If she woke whilst Solas was healing her, Cullen had an idea of the nightmare she would be facing and he had to be part of that.

"Just tell me again that there is no other way," Cullen spoke the words into the silent tent.

"It is either this or we risk the infection being too widespread for them to save her by the time we get her back to Skyhold," Solas replied.

Cullen wrapped his fingers gently around her petite wrists and pulled her limp arms up to her chest. After taking in a deep, shaky breath he nodded, "Let's do this." His eyes were locked on to Aleksia’s closed eyes and all he could do was pray that she wouldn't wake until Solas was done.

Although he had his back to the Mage, he could see the green hue from the healing spell Solas was using as it lit up the tent walls. He could _feel_ the build up of magic radiating silently through the air as Solas began healing her. The strength and power behind the spell was unlike anything he had felt before, it was like pure raw magic, untainted. He had been in the presence of mages and magic in the past many times, Solas’ magic was inherently different.

Aleksia's eyes fluttered for a moment and Cullen held his breath as he readied himself to tighten his grip on her wrists, if it was needed. A moment later her eyelids stilled as she sighed and he let out the breath he had been holding. _Just stay asleep. Please stay asleep._

A loud, feminine, "No," resounded throughout the tent as her eyes snapped open. What Cullen could only describe as pure panic was etched onto her features. Her eyes were wide with fear as they darted from one side of the tent to the other.

Cullen was in no way prepared for how hard it would be to see her in such a state. It was heart wrenchingly painful to think that it all could have been avoided, if the templar order had worked as it was supposed to. The very order that once he had been unwavering in his faith of.   
  
Aleksia started thrashing around as she tried to push him away. Cullen had no choice but to tighten his grip on her wrists. It seemed as if the harder his grip was, the more she struggled against him.

"Stop. Just stop!" She begged forcefully. Her back arched up off the bedroll as she tried to squirm out from under Solas’ healing hands. "Andraste’s arse Cullen, let me go!"

"You have to keep her still," Solas insisted.

"I am trying to," he said through gritted teeth. Cullen leaned across her chest to prevent at least some of her body movements. With her wrists still clasped tightly in his hands he moved them both down on to the bedroll on either side of her head, "Please forgive me," he whispered. He would have given anything at that moment to be somewhere, anywhere else.

Tears formed in Aleksia's eyes as she begged again, "Please, make it stop." Her eyes were glazed, unfocused and wild. It was like her mind was on events from the past that terrified her. As if she were lost in memories that were more like nightmares.

The worst part for Cullen was the fact that he remembered what it was like to be caught up in those nightmares from the past. The images of his colleagues being ripped apart before his very eyes still haunted his dreams most nights. He knew just how difficult it was to remain in the present after being forced to endure a traumatic experience. How hard it was to hold off those fears that could be all consuming and for a while, for him, they had been. He knew because he had faced it and come out of the other side, not everyone was so lucky. He knew Aleksia was still fighting that inner battle, a battle which could go either way. He wished more than anything that he could take that pain from her but, he also knew that was impossible. The battle was hers but, she didn't have to face it alone like he did, he would make sure of that.

He leaned in close to Aleksia's ear as he held her firmly, "It will be okay, I promise. You are safe. No one will hurt you like that I again. I won't let anyone ever hurt you like that again." He hoped more than anything that it was a promise he could keep.

"No, no, no. Let go you’re hurting me!" she cried as she struggled harder against him. Cullen could see the skin on her wrists going red from the force he needed to use to hold her in place. He was hurting her, not intentionally but because he had no choice. He knew if she kept struggling as she was that she might even end up with bruised wrists.

"Aleksia look at me," he said firmly. "You have to trust me and look at me."

She was still struggling against him as she turned her eyes in his direction. Although they were on him, they were still glazed and unfocused, she wasn't really seeing him. Cullen couldn't even begin to imagine what images her mind was showing her from the past. What he did know was that none of them could be good. "You can trust me," he continued. "I want to relax my grip on your arms but I can't do that unless you stay still. It's Solas healing you, he is only trying to help you. We both are." The more he spoke the clearer her eyes became until they focused in on his. As her eyes focused her struggle against him decreased until she stilled.

"Cullen?" she whispered with tears in her eyes.

"It's me. It's going to be okay," he said as he relaxed his fingers around her wrists, just as he said he would. He was able to relax his grip until he was just holding them gently in his hands.

Aleksia shifted her arms carefully as she slipped her wrists down further in his hands. She stopped when her own hands were under his, palms facing upwards. The tears slipped down her cheeks as she entwined her fingers with Cullen's and squeezed his hands, "Cullen.." her voice was a whisper that was almost too quiet to hear, "please help me, I.. I don't want to be scared anymore."

If it wasn't for the fact that he knew Solas was there and that he had to keep her still, Cullen would have pulled her into his arms and kissed her at that moment. He would have held her for as long as it took, until he knew she felt safe. Maker, how he wanted to. Instead he whispered right against her ear, just for her. "You are not alone, I promise."

He looked back at her face just as Aleksia's eyes fluttered and closed. Her fingers went limp against his.

"Solas?" Cullen asked with panic in his voice.

"It's done. She needs rest and she is a little dehydrated so she will need water but, she should be fine. The wound is healed," he responded. Cullen could hear shuffling behind him that sounded as if Solas was moving to stand.

He heard a shrill whistle cut through the air somewhere past the tent’s walls. The whistle was one always used to whomever was on guard to warn of pending danger. The whistle was followed by the declaration from one of Cullen’s soldiers of an incoming ambush. A moment later the sounds of battle erupted, metal against metal, swords against swords and armour. He instantly snapped to attention jumping to his feet with his hand reaching to unsheath his own sword.

"Wait," Solas interrupted. "If they are here for the Inquisitor than you need to get her out. She is in no condition to defend herself."

Cullen paused in the middle of unsheathing his sword. He looked down at Aleksia and then back at the tent opening, caught between the need to be out there in the thick of the battle with his soldiers, and protecting the woman that he loved.

Solas must have noticed Cullen’s hesitation, because he began speaking again after a short pause. "Your soldiers are trained for this and protecting the Inquisitor is part of that. On the way in I saw a supply cart still attached to one of the horses behind the west tent. I will have your men clear you both a path. Protect the Inquisitor, Commander."

He knew Solas was right, protecting the Inquisitor wasn’t just something he wanted to do because he cared about her. It was also his job. Cullen nodded to Solas and pushed his sword back in it’s place. The nod was the only answer the mage needed to head outside and start the preparations. He could hear the Solas explaining the plan to those closest and heard the subsequent footsteps that indicated they were moving into position. He scooped the sleeping Aleksia up with the blanket she was laying on and waited for a sign that the path was clear for him to get her to safety.

Hearing the battle outside and not being part of it, not being there to help defend his soldiers was harder than Cullen had expected. Although it was only a few minutes later that Blackwall stuck his head inside the tent to give the go ahead, to Cullen it felt more like twenty. All he had been able to here was the sounds of swords and armor connecting with the occasional scream as someone fell, he had no idea who had the upper hand.

"We are holding the line so you can get her out past the west tent but, be quick," Blackwall said and then his eyes fell to Aleksia. "She going to be okay?"

"Solas seems to think so," Cullen replied.

"Good. That's good," Blackwall said. "Get her out of here and keep her safe. We’ve got this."

A look passed between the two men as Cullen nodded. It was a look of understanding, they both cared about her and she was essential to the Inquisition. Cullen knew in that moment they would all give their lives to protect her if it was needed, however both he and Blackwall would do it for their own personal reasons, regardless of the Inquisition and her position.

He ducked out of the tent with Aleksia bundled up in his arms, she had barely even stirred as he carried her through the camp and placed her carefully down on the supply cart. Cullen had been exceptionally careful to keep her out of sight, the last thing he needed was for any of the attackers to see him escaping with the Inquisitor and then track them. He placed his foot in the stirrup and mounted the horse, quickly coaxing it into action. He risked a glance backwards as the horse started moving. Not only did it appear as if their escape had gone unnoticed, it also looked much like the Inquisition forces were turning the tide of battle. Satisfied that they were winning, he coaxed the horse to go a little faster and didn't look back again.

It was at least an hour before Cullen was game enough to bring the horse to a halt, climb down and check on Aleksia. She was still snuggly wrapped in the blanket and showed no signs of coming to. He remembered Solas’ comments back in the tent and climbed up into the cart beside her with his water canister in his hand. Carefully he lifted her head and placed the canister against her lips, as he tilted it he watched to make sure she was swallowing. After a short while and several mouthfuls she shifted her head mumbling something about enough.

"Just a couple more hours of travel and the you can rest properly," Cullen said quietly to her. During the first hour of travel, he had been wrestling with an idea in his mind. He had finally made a decision just before stopping. They weren't going back to Skyhold, not yet. Solas said she needed rest so Cullen intended to see to it that she would get it. At least for a few days. If he took her back to Skyhold she wouldn't be given five minutes of peace and she wouldn't ask for it either. She would constantly step up to the demands placed on her as the Inquisitor, in fact he knew the only way she wouldn’t was if she was unconscious or not there. Cullen knew of a small cabin that was in a quiet, remote area not too far from their current location. So long as she agreed to stay she would be able to rest there.

~~~~~~~~

Aleksia rolled over as she started to wake. The bed felt soft and the blanket warm, it was enticing her to stay there, just for a little longer. She knew she should probably get up, she was sure there would be work to do. However, for the moment with the fog of sleep and comfortable bed, she couldn't quite remember what work that was.

The scent of ram meat and some kind of eggs cooking reached her nose, and she groaned a little as her stomach growled a hungry protest. She wondered if she could ignore her complaining stomach for a while because she didn't want to move.

The sleep fog began to lift in a rush. A bed? What was she doing on a bed? Shouldn't she be in a tent? She rubbed her eyes trying to recall her last memories. A tent, Solas, Cullen, being healed, it all came back to her at once. Where was she now? Her eyes snapped open and frantically searched her surroundings. She was definitely on a bed. There was a window, a dresser and walls that were made of wood. A cabin.

The last thing she had a vague recollection of, was cool refreshing water sliding down her throat and Cullen's voice. "Cullen?" she called towards the bedroom door. When there was no answer she slid her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Her side was still a little tender but, overall she felt better than she had in days. Maker, how long had she slept for?

In the next room, Cullen was standing by the woodfire stove serving up a selection of freshly cooked food onto two plates. He was out of his armour, dressed in a white long sleeved shirt that was rolled up to his elbows and a pair of plain brown leather pants that fit him snuggly. The sun that streamed in through the window highlighted his light hair. It gave him an almost holy appearance which for a moment, caught her breath. She had certainly never pictured him so, domestic.

As he turned to place the plates down on the table he caught sight of Aleksia, "Oh, hey. I didn't wake you did I?"

She shook her head, "I don't think so." The entire situation was almost confusing, it would have been easy to just sit at the table and eat as if it was something they did everyday. Without asking any questions. Yet as comfortable as it _felt_ , there were still questions that she needed answered. "So, umm, Cullen? Where are we and why are we here?"

"Why don't you sit down and we can discuss it over breakfast?" he asked as he motioned to one of the chairs.

"You know that actually sounds like a good idea," she said as she felt her stomach complain again. When was the last time she actually are a full meal? She couldn't recall which meant it had been too long.

They both sat opposite each other at the small table. Aleksia wasted no time in picking up a fork to take her first bite of the scrambled eggs with ram meat that Cullen had whipped up. "Mmm, this is delicious," she said as the food tickled her taste buds leaving her mouth watering for more. The scrambled eggs had been flavoured with a selection of herbs that all blended together so well that she couldn’t tell one from the other. She quickly scooped up another forkful and popped it into her mouth. After swallowing she asked, "did your mother teach you how to cook as well?" She recalled the remedy Cullen had prepared for her when she was ill, the one he said his mother had taught him.

"She did, in fact she taught all of us. She always said one could never be sure when normal life skills might prove to be useful," Cullen answered after swallowing a mouthful of his own meal. "I hated every minute of it, I wanted to be outside learning how to use a sword not stuck in a kitchen. I have to admit now that she had been right though."

"I guess I should be grateful that at least your stories of home were the truth," Aleksia added without malice.

"Other than hiding who it was behind the helmet, it was all the truth," Cullen said as their eyes met across the table. The unspoken words weren’t missed on her. The fact that she had asked him on a date and at the time he had said he wanted to but, couldn’t for reasons that were obvious now but weren’t back then.

Aleksia was the one to break eye contact. She looked down at the food in front of her and pushed it around her plate with the fork. As much as she wanted to ask about that again, she didn’t know how to, or if she even should.

"What do you remember of last night?" Cullen asked. His question finally broke what had been a long moment of silence.

Aleksia placed another mouthful of her breakfast into her mouth. As she took her time to chew and swallow the food, it allowed her to think over the events that she could recall. "I remember talking to you and then suddenly I felt dizzy and grabbed your arm. After that everything went dark."

She paused to eat some more of Cullen's mouthwatering breakfast before continuing, "I remember coming around in the tent. I could feel the sensation of healing magic and tried to stop it. That's when I realised you were holding me so that I couldn't," she paused for a moment to take a breath. "I can't describe _how_ it feels to me when I am being healed, just that the sensation is unpleasant. Fear creeps up on me and then it’s like I am back there again, in the holding cell."

She was using eating, chewing and swallowing as an excuse to pause. To give her time to gather her thoughts and form them into words. After she finished the next mouthful she continued, "I remember hearing your voice. At first it sounded like you were a long distance away. Then the fog lifted, you were there and I felt… safe." She raised her eyes to his knowing that the look in them was one she had given him before, and only him. "It's been a long time since I have felt safe like that."

Aleksia looked back down at her meal before the eye contact and lul in her recount could become awkward. "Anyway, after that everything else is pretty much a blur. So where _are_ we and how did we get here?"

"Just as Solas finished healing you the camp was ambushed. Since it was most likely the assassins who were after you that were attacking, we figured it would be in your best interests to get you to safety. You weren't in any condition to defend yourself if they found you," Cullen explained. As she had done whilst speaking he paused to have a mouthful of food off his own plate.

"Solas had mentioned that you need to rest. I thought, perhaps being away from Skyhold for a few days might help," he concluded.

"Wait, the camp was under attack and you left?" Aleksia asked with surprise. What had he been thinking leaving the others like that when they may have needed help?

"You were the intended target. What if some of them found you while the rest of us were busy fighting? Someone had to get you out of the camp," Cullen said defensively.

"What if they needed you to win the fight? You should have just left me and helped them!" she said angrily. Dorian, Varric, Blackwall, they could all be hurt or dead because of her.

Cullen sighed with defeat. "Are we really going to do this again?" He tossed his fork down onto the plate. "The others are fine. When I was gathering herbs for breakfast one of Leliana's birds tracked me down. They are on the way to the Storm Coast to finish up there before heading back to Skyhold. That's not what this is about though, not really."

Aleksia watched as Cullen stood up, leaving half of his meal untouched on his plate with the abandoned fork. He leaned on the back of the chair after pushing it in. "Every time it looks as if we are getting closer and talking you pull on the reins and bring it to a sudden halt," he said with frustration. "You always find a reason to get into a fight or to walk away. It can't keep going like this. I can't keep going like this."

Aleksia sat at the table in silence as she listened to Cullen’s words and his raised voice. After he was done he turned and walked out the front door. The tension in his voice and his muscles had been unmistakable and she knew he was right. Every time she found herself opening up to him, every time she felt herself _feeling_ , she slammed the door shut tight because, she was scared. It was like the floodgates had opened as tears rolled down her cheeks, it was just another one of many fears that she didn’t know how to escape.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only warning I have for this chapter is cuteness. At least that's what I was aiming for.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Questions, Comments and Kudos are always welcome.
> 
> Just in case anyone is interested you can also follow me on tumblr here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/keliandrada  
> Sometimes I post updates on how a chapter is coming along, if there are any delays and what not. I also sometimes post drabbles and take drabble requests.

Aleksia spent the majority of the day in her room with the door closed. After Cullen had walked out, she finished her breakfast and got herself a bowl of warm water to clean up with. She changed out of the robes that Solas had needed to cut open the night before, the only clothing she had found in the supply crate that had been on the cart, were too big for her. The result meant she was wearing oversized black leather pants and an oversized checkered shirt, with a belt holding them neatly around her waist.

She heard Cullen moving around the cabin now and again but she was determined to stay out of his way, at least for the time being. In the small confined room with nothing to keep her occupied, she had far too much thinking time. Her mind played over many of the conversations she’d had with Cullen, the many times she had started a fight with him for no other purpose than to push him away when her feelings threatened to take over. It was her way of trying to remain in control of something that ultimately couldn't be controlled, the pull she felt that drew her to him from the first time they had met. Somehow it felt wrong to seek happiness with Cullen when Lucas had died never knowing freedom from the circles or the demon that possessed him. What right did she have to search for something he never had, and never would?

She thought she had spent her tears that morning in the kitchen but, it appeared that they didn't want to stay away now that she had opened those gates. She squeezed her damp eyes shut, trying desperately to push the images of Lucas falling lifeless to the ground from her mind. Right afterwards she had been thrown into the ostwick prison cell, into Mercen’s trap. There hadn’t even really been the time to mourn her lover’s death properly, not with the horrors that had been inflicted on her from that first night. Her chest felt as if it were being crushed with the weight of all that she had lost. As she opened her eyes she let out a loud gasp, there was a form standing in the room that had not been there before. It took a moment for her heart rate to slow and her eyes to focus in on the spirit who was standing there innocently with his oversized hat ontop of his head.

"Cole! You really have to stop sneaking up on me like that! Have you been following me?" she asked a little harsher than she had intended.

"No," Cole responded. "I feel your pain and his. I can help. He is thinking about you." Cole's eyes glazed as he started reciting, "delicate eyelashes, warm soft lips, the gentle sway of her hips when…"

"Cole," Aleksia cut him off. "These thoughts are private, I shouldn't be hearing them."

"You need to hear this," Cole said with certainty. "The one from the past was happiest when he was with you. You made him happy. He wouldn't want you to hurt."

"Lucas," Aleksia whispered as she turned away from Cole, her eyes looking towards the window.

"Yes," Cole replied. "You know but you are afraid. So is Cullen but, you don't need to be. You just need to talk to him."

After a couple of minutes of standing there with Cole’s words rolling around her head, Aleksia turned around and was about to thank him. The space where Cole had been only a moment before was empty. Deep down she knew he was right, Lucas wouldn't want this either. He would have wanted her to be happy, he was always so full of apologies and regret any time he thought he had hurt her. She also knew Cullen deserved so much more than she had given him. His life had not been easy not with all he had faced, he needed someone who would help him forget. Why he seemed to want that to be her, she didn't know. She didn't know if she could truly be what he needed but, didn't he deserve for her to at least try?

Aleksia slowly opened the door from her room and peered out into the main part of the cabin. The moment the door was open she was greeted with the scent of stew cooking on the stove but, Cullen was nowhere to be seen. She made her way to the front door and opened it just as slowly. The view from the balcony of the cabin was the first thing she noticed. It was quite literally breathtaking. The stairs led down to a small dock, a lake stretched out in front with all kinds of wildflowers growing along its banks. Just beyond that the forest surrounded the area making it appear private and secluded. In the right situation she imaged it could be one of the most romantic settings she had ever seen. Maybe, just maybe it could be, for them.

Cullen was standing at the other end of the balcony with his arms resting on the railing. Although his back was facing her she saw his shoulders tense as she approached, she couldn't blame him for being wary when she always turned everything into an argument. For a moment her nerves wavered and she considered turning around again, retreating back into the cabin seemed so much easier than facing her fears. It may have been the fact that she looked out over that scenic view once more or the fact that she knew this was it, a one last chance to open up to him before it was lost forever. Either way, somehow, she found the inner strength to continue.

She came up beside Cullen and rested her arms on the same railing. "This place is seriele," she said softly.

"It really is," Cullen agreed. "It has been vacant for years. My family used to come here for short vacations when I was a child. We never saw another person here in all that time, I can’t imagine someone just abandoning a place like this."

The significance of that was not lost on Aleksia. He had bought her here with a willingness to share it with her. She doubted that was something he did easily and she had repaid him by doing what she always did. "I know I have said this before but, I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. You deserve so much more than me pushing you away all the time. You were right it does have to stop so, starting right now I promise to do everything I can to let you in."

Cullen was exceptionally quiet as she spoke, he barely even moved save for the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

"I have loved one other person in my life and he died because I couldn't help him. I am not sure if I could deal with that again, I am not sure I dealt with it the first time." She paused to gather her thoughts into words, "I attacked the Templar who killed him, that's how I ended up in that prison cell. The beatings started the first night and they didn't stop, night after night. They were going to make me tranquil after I returned from the conclave, to be honest I'm not even sure why they sent me there in the first place. All I got was that someone in my family had requested my presence."

Cullen finally turned his head to look at her. With the sun fast fading she could see the outline of his eyes, nose and lips but she couldn't see his expressions. He spoke quietly, "there was a mage in the Ferelden Circle who I had strong feelings for. As a templar it was forbidden for me to engage in any romantic interactions with her, so I didn't. Some of the mages were practising blood magic, they unleashed demons on the tower. They killed, captured and tortured the templars as well as many of the mages who opposed them. She was killed during the attack, without ever knowing how I felt about her."

"Cullen, I am so sorry. I didn't know." She reached a hand over and gently ran her fingers along his arm. They stood in silence looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Aleksia's heart was racing as she searched her mind for the right words. She had no right to hope that he would forgive her for all of the things she had said and done but she wanted him to. He was all she could think about all day when she’s had nothing but her own thoughts to occupy her. "I tried to resist this, to pretend like I didn't feel anything. At first I told myself it was because I was betrothed, but that was just an excuse. Then I tried to convince myself that you all just wanted me around because of the mark. I knew that wasn’t true either. It was because I was scared, I still am but, I think now I am more scared of hurting you. You deserve someone who will be there for you, always." She removed her hand from his arm and turned her palm upwards, the mark casting a very faint green glow on her skin, "I am not certain that can be me."

"The thought of losing you, is something I don’t want to consider even now. I think I would regret it even more if we never…" he moved his arms off the rails and turned his body to the side to face her. "Not being with you already hurts more than you could know."

"You’re wrong," she whispered as she turned to face him. "I know because I feel it too. It's like this continuous pull that keeps gaining strength and won't stop." She slipped her hands behind his neck, carefully tilting his head downwards until their foreheads were touching. She knew Cullen could have resisted if he wanted to, she took the fact that he didn’t as a sign, "I don’t want it to."

"I need to hear it again," he whispered as he looked into her eyes. "Promise me you won't push me away anymore."

His lips were so close that she could feel every breath he exhaled against her own. She remembered the feel of his rougher wind chapped lips against her own. Her heart was thrumming in her ears so loudly that it almost drowned out his words. "I promise. I won't push you away anymore," she whispered before brushing her lips against his.

Aleksia drew in a sharp intake of breath as Cullen’s hands found the small of her back and pulled her in against his body. Her fingers weaved their way into his hair as she deepened their kiss in response, her eyes closed and lips parted as his tongue sort to explore her mouth. It was the first time she had closed her eyes on him, drinking in the sensation of their exploring tongues probing, teasing, tasting and savouring every moment until they both pulled back breathless. As their eyes opened and met, they mirrored the same burning desires that they weren’t yet ready to give in to.

"That was…." Cullen started to say.

"...perfect." Aleksia finished for him as she practically purred against his lips. "Was that stew I could smell cooking on my way out here? I am starving and I have an idea."

"It is and you have my attention," Cullen responded with slightly raised eyebrows as he released her from his hold.

"After a kiss like that, I would hope so." She said with a grin followed by a wink. After untangling her fingers from his hair she took his hand to lead him inside.

~~~~~~~~

Aleksia stretched her legs out on the blanket that they were sitting on, her stomach feeling warm and comfortably full after a good sized bowl of stew. She leaned back on her elbows as she tilted her head back, giving her a full view of the star filled sky above. "I still can’t believe how amazing this place is. It is so easy to feel as if everything going on out there is a lifetime away." The only real reminder was the faint green hue that still remained even though the breach had been closed.

"I think you have more then earned a few days away from the chaos," Cullen replied as he reached over and took one of her hands, their fingers entwining.

She squeezed his hand gently as she looked away from the stars to rest her eyes on him, the only light coming from a small torch they placed in the ground near the blanket. "So have you. When was the last time you had a break like this?"

"It has been a long time," Cullen admitted. "First there was Meredith and then putting the order back together that she left in ruins, that was in Kirkwall, then there was Cassandra and the Inquisition."

"Varric has spoken a little of what happened in Kirkwall. That can’t have been easy for you either, Meredith was your Knight Commander wasn’t she?" Aleksia asked.

"She was and no it wasn’t easy. It was difficult to see something I once believed in fall apart. I know that Meredith was corrupted by red lyrium but truthfully I think her methods and attitude towards mages was always too harsh, even before that. It is difficult to know where that ended and the corruption began. To be honest I was grateful for Cassandra’s offer to join the Inquisitions cause, I had been considering leaving the order for some time. Her offer gave me a cause worth fighting for, otherwise who knows where I may have ended up." His brow wrinkled into a frown.

"There was a time when I believed in the circles and the safety they provided for mages. There was a group of us, a couple of templars and a few mages. Once a week we would all go down to the basement and play wicked grace all night, the templars smuggled in ale and cigars and somehow we would still drag ourselves to our lessons the next morning. I think some of the others suspected when we would almost fall asleep during lectures but they never said anything." Aleksia shook her head as her fingers tightened around Cullen’s hand. "Everything was so much easier back then but it’s hard to even remember how that felt now. One of those templar’s was the one who…" her voice broke as she tried to get the words out.

Cullen gently pushed her down on to the blanket as he took her into his arms. He trailed his fingers over her cheek before pushing back a stray strand of hair. With his head propped up by one arm he looked into her eyes, "Just remember you are safe now. Whatever happened is in the past, they can’t hurt you any more."

"It was just him, mostly. He was a friend, I trusted him but the moment I was in that cell everything changed," she concluded, only just barely holding back the tears that were threatening. She could see the clench of Cullen’s jaw and the anger in his eyes as his mind processed what she had said. "I got a list of names from Leliana of all the templars in Skyhold, his name wasn’t on it. I have to assume that he died during the rebellion but part of me will always wonder."

"If he didn’t then I swear he will wish he did if I ever get hold of him," Cullen grumbled through clenched teeth. As he looked into her eyes, his expression softened. He leaned forward and trailed featherlight kisses across her forehead, down the side of her face and along her jaw before capturing her lips with his.

As she closed her eyes and her heart rate quickened, she couldn’t stop her mind from wandering. Although she didn’t want to rush things between them she couldn’t help but wonder what kind of lover Cullen would be. She imagined much like the kisses he had just trailed over her face that he would be gentle and attentive. As he deepened the kiss, desire pooled in her belly almost making her shiver. Cullen was more than a little sexy when he was being protective but, it reminded her of the fact that in the end Lucas had died trying to protect her. Aleksia pulled back from the kiss as she tried to normalize her racing heart and breathing.

As she opened her eyes, Cullen was studying her face. "Are you okay? This isn’t moving too fast for you is it?" he asked with concern.

She traced the outline of his lips with her fingers as she gave him a reassuring smile, "I am more than okay and this, is perfect." She couldn’t ask him to promise what she wanted. It was a promise she knew he wouldn’t be able to keep, all she could do was pray that he would be careful.

Cullen rolled over on to his back and pulled Aleksia with him. She nestled down into the crook of his arm with her cheek resting on his chest. Their bodies fit together as if they were made for that moment. Laying in his arms, away from Skyhold and the templar’s, she felt more like the person she used to be rather than the person she had become. As scared as she was of losing him she knew she would regret it more if she lost him and they didn’t have that moment and other’s to follow. Her eyes fluttered closed as she listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi All!
> 
> I am sorry for the delay in getting this one out. Hopefully the extra length will make up for it :)
> 
> Just a warning, some parts of this chapter are heading in to NSFW territory so you may wish to be careful where you read.  
> Possible slight panic attack triggers also, so be aware and prepared if you are easily triggered.
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you all enjoy :)

With nothing above to block it, the early morning sun streamed down from above, right onto Cullen's face. His eyes automatically blinked several times as he tried to open them against the offending light. It only took him a moment to become acutely aware of the warm body that was still nestled in the crook of his arm. As he turned his head towards her he caught the sweet floral scent of her shampoo as he inhaled. He was almost afraid of her waking, not that he would have admitted it. The night before had been almost perfect, the picnic under the stars, the talking, the kisses and in the end falling asleep holding her in his arms. All of it made for one of the best evenings he’d had in a long time. That in part was why he expected it implode because, that is how it always happened. They would move forward, there would be a glimmer of hope and then she would push him away. He was almost certain that she didn’t do it on purpose, it was more like a pattern that she seemed to have little control over.

Aleksia had told him more in one night than all of their previous conversations combined. In return he had told her things he had never spoken of to anyone else, about Kinloch Hold and what followed. If he could have held on to that moment forever, with her asleep in his arms, at peace, with the untainted memories of the previous night he would have. However, he didn't dare hope that it would be different this time. If it wasn't for the fact that the arm she was laying on was suffering a severe case of pins and needles, he wouldn't have even risked trying to move. He would have held onto those moments for as long as possible. He carefully tried to shift his position but, the moment he moved she started stirring and her arm tightened around his waist. There was no way he was getting his arm back without waking her and risking shattering the illusion in the process. He breathed in deeply and tried to shift his arm again.

"Don't even think about moving," she mumbled sleepily.

"What?" He asked with surprise. That was new, last time she couldn't get away from him fast enough. Okay, so she had been woken by a dream at the time but it had all gone downhill from there and not recovered even when the fog had cleared.

"Your a comfortable pillow and I am not ready to wake up yet," she mumbled in response.

Cullen chuckled as muscles he hadn't even realised he had tensed, relaxed again. He tenderly kissed her forehead and smiled. "I would love nothing more than staying like this all day but, I’m afraid I think I have lost all feeling in my arm."

Evidently it seemed as if she didn't hear him in her sleepy haze, with her eyes still closed she followed the sensation of his lips on her forehead by tilting her head. Capturing them with her own she drew him into a lingering kiss. His only regret was the fact that his arm refused to obey him so he couldn’t wrap it around her to pull her in closer. Abruptly Aleksia’s eyes snapped open as she broke the kiss, "Oh! Your arm!" she exclaimed as his words sunk in. Just as abruptly she sat up to release his arm from under her.

Cullen automatically flexed his arm to wake it up and chuckled. "It still works, no harm done." The feeling slowly came back as he gave it a couple more shakes.

"I was just so comfortable that it took a moment to realise what you said. I’m sorry," she explained almost shyly.

Cullen propped himself up onto his elbows as he studied her. It was difficult to pinpoint exactly what was different about her, all he knew for certain was the fact that there was a noticeable difference. "I know things at Skyhold can be pretty intense at times but is it really that bad? I can't help but notice that you seem to be a lot more at ease here," he said carefully.

"It's the templars," she admitted after a pause. "Logically I know that they aren't all bad, in fact most of them probably are perfectly nice people. It's just that with the armour and hidden faces I keep seeing him, everywhere." She turned her eyes away from Cullen to study the weave on the blanket. Absently she picked at fake threads with her fingers. "Every time I turn around I seem to walk into a suit of templar armour. I guess I kind of panic or something. I know it’s crazy."

Cullen shook his head and sat up properly on the blanket. "It’s not crazy," he said as he reached over and placed two fingers under her chin. He gently coaxed her to look at him again.

"Sometimes it feels as if I am going crazy. It feels like I can’t breathe, everything goes foggy and…" she stopped as Cullen interrupted.

"... your heart starts pounding and suddenly you feel trapped or caged, like you need to escape," he added.

"It feels exactly like that," she agreed as she finally raised her eyes to meet his.

It was impossible to explain the feeling that overcame him as he looked at her, knowing that for the first time someone truly understood what he had gone through after Kinloch Hold, the panic and the fear that had followed. The mistrust because, even though logically he knew the danger had passed he kept it expecting it to return and that because of experiencing all of this he also understood her. "It takes time, but it gets easier. It never completely goes away but it does get easier. You’re not crazy. You stepped out of that prison cell and into the explosion at the conclave, only to be accused of causing it. You stayed with the Inquisition because no matter how scared you were you couldn’t turn your back on those who needed help. Somehow you have come through all of that and you are still here, you are far stronger and more incredible than you realise."

"What if it doesn’t get easier and just gets worse?" she asked timidly.

"That won't happen," he responded and he meant it. She had shown so much strength already even if she didn’t know it. He trailed his fingers from under her chin along her jawline until they came to rest by her neck, her skin was so soft and enticing it was difficult to fight the desire to go further. "Just focus on one day at a time, which means," he leaned his head in closer. "All you need to focus on right now, is today."

A smile tugged at the corner of her lips and her eyebrows raised. "Did you have something specific in mind Commander?"

Cullen grinned as he captured Aleksia’s lips with his and slipped his arms around her. A moment later he had pulled her on top of him as he laid back on the blanket. She went down with him easily, her lips and tongue responding eagerly to his explorations of her mouth. As she caught his tongue between her lips and started sucking lightly, heat radiated throughout his body. Caught off guard he promptly became aware of her warm body pressed against his. One of her legs slipped down between both of Cullen’s, causing him to stifle a groan as she brushed against his hardening member. He wasn’t sure if her shift was accidental or purposeful, what he did know was the fact that she was intoxicating and the haze of desire was fast flooding his senses.

He ran his hands down her back, following the contours of her spine with his fingers. Without hesitation he continued down further until he cupped both cheeks of her bottom and pulled her in closer. The only space left between them was the clothing that they were both wearing. Her soft moan against his lips and the roll of her hips as he gently squeezed her bottom, was his undoing.

He wanted, no, he _needed_ to feel her naked flesh under his fingers.

As if his hands had a mind of their own, they had moved up to untuck her shirt from the belt around her waist. The moment it gave way he slid his hands under the fabric. Her bare skin was soft and sensual under his fingers as he trailed them over her back, there were also rougher patches as he found the scars that marred her body. He knew they were the result of the months she had spent incarcerated. The reminder of what she had been through angered him but, he forced himself to push those thoughts from his mind and focus on solely her and that moment. He wanted to know every inch of her by touch. Cullen could barely remember the last time he had felt so profoundly connected to someone, or if he ever had.

It took a moment for him to realise that her lips had stilled and then the he felt the cool air that replaced the warmth of her mouth against his. His eyes snapped open and connected with hers. She looked hesitant and even a little distraught. The sinking feeling that buried itself in the pit of his stomach was almost instantly sobering. He took in a deep breath to calm his lust fueled emotions as he studied her face. Had he been moving too quickly? Did he do something wrong? She had slept with Blackwall for maker's sake, she obviously wasn't squeamish about having sex. There had to be something wrong with him, or worse did she just not want him?

~~~~~~~~

Pulling away from Cullen with her heart racing and her body responding to every tantalising touch, was one of the hardest things she had to do. Maker how she _wanted_ him and she had thought she was ready but, she really wasn't. This was real, it wasn't just sex, she wanted a future with this man and to do that he needed to know everything. That included the parts she wasn't ready to speak of to anyone, not even Cullen. At least not yet because, she also wasn't ready to let him go and when she did confide in him it could change everything.

He was looking at her so she _had_ to say something. He even looked as if he felt a little guilty, she couldn't have him thinking he did something wrong when it couldn't be further from the truth. "I am so sorry Cullen," she said with remorse. "I thought I was…" her voice trailed off. The problem was, she was ready to be with him but, she felt it would be unfair on Cullen to take that step without telling him everything. She had one more secret, one last burden that for the time being was hers alone.

"You’re not ready," he supplied for her. "Maker’s breath, I am sorry if I pushed this too fast."

"You have to believe it's not you. I do want to be with you. It’s just that it is so easy here, away from Skyhold and the chaos. I am worried that when we go back things between us will change again. I am worried that maybe I won't be able to keep my promise to you." That at least was the truth and hopefully for the time being, it would be enough of an explanation for him. "It wouldn't be fair to you if we take that step now and then find out later that I couldn't. I need to be sure that we can hold onto this first."

He slowly slid his hands back out from under Aleksia's shirt and wrapped his arms around her as he kissed her nose. "There is no rush," he responded. "Take as long as you need, I'm not going anywhere."

His arms around her and the kiss were comforting but, for some reason she couldn't read his expression. He was often so easy to read, she couldn't help but feel uneasy about it. Aleksia extracted herself from Cullen's arms and rolled off him. After sitting up she tucked her shirt back into the belt and then glanced over at him. "We are okay, right?"

Cullen stood up and offered her a hand which she accepted. Instead of letting it go as she expected him to once she was standing, he held onto it. "Of course," Cullen responded. "Why don't we go and get some breakfast?"

On the way back to the cabin and most of the way through breakfast they were both quiet. Finally it was Aleksia who broke the silence, she was still concerned about his unreadable expression and his continued silence since wasn’t helping. "When we go back to Skyhold tomorrow, I really don’t want things to change between us. I know it is going to be almost impossible to even find five minutes of peace but, we both have to eat. What if we make sure we have dinner together in the hall tomorrow night? Maybe even every night? I know that you normally eat in your office and I normally go anywhere else other than the hall but, maybe we could find a quiet table up the back somewhere?"  
  
Cullen looked up from his breakfast and then he reached his hand across the table, brushing his fingers against the back of hers. "I think I would like that," he responded as a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "I know that there was something you were holding back before and that when you are ready, you will work through it. I meant what I said when I told you to take as long as you need. No pressure. I enjoy your company a great deal and I want us to keep moving forward, it doesn’t matter what pace that happens at," he paused for a moment as he swallowed. "There is just something I want to, umm clarify, I guess," he stumbled as he fought to find the right words. "There wont be any ummm, fraternisation with other people, right? I mean after this last day or so.."

"Cullen!" Aleksia exclaimed. She was genuinely shocked that he would even need to ask such a question. Although, when she thought about it she could hardly blame him for needing it cleared up. "Of course not!" she felt the colour rising to her cheeks at a rapid pace. "That was just a once off and something I regret, for many reasons. We weren’t… I mean we had only kissed the once and it’s not umm, something I normally do. I mean I don’t usually… maker’s breath," she fumbled. She really had no idea how to even answer a question like that.

The colour was rising to Cullen’s cheeks almost as rapidly as it had for her. "I am sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you… I didn’t mean to offend you."

Aleksia shook her head and then started laughing. "I am not offended, just surprised," she responded after her laughter subsided. "I can understand why you needed to ask," she continued with a more serious tone. "My behaviour in that way since the conclave has been questionable at best, I wasn’t in a good place."

"I know. You don’t have to explain really," he said quickly.

"It’s okay, I want to. I am not sure what we are but, I do know I want to find out." She gave his hand a squeeze as their eyes met across the table.

"As do I," he agreed. "Now before I have the opportunity to embarrass us both again and, since we have the rest of the day to enjoy each other’s company without interruption. How would you like to take a walk around the lake? There’s something I would like to show you."

"I would like that," she answered with a smile.

~~~~~~~~

The walk around the lake was relaxing and peaceful with easy conversation. Cullen relayed some stories of the adventures he and his siblings had when they visited the cabin. Aleksia spoke of her own childhood memories in the circle, it was good to be reminded that not all of her memories were tainted by Mercen and his betrayal.

When she was a child her best friend was another young mage about the same age who had arrived only a few days prior to herself. She told Cullen of how the two of them used to sneak into the large library at night. To young children the massive bookshelves appeared even larger, making the library a great location for many fictional adventures. They would stalk their way around the shelves making up stories of what they would find on the other side and, often found themselves caught by one of the enchanters, bundled up and sent back to bed. It never stopped them from trying again a few nights later and they never really got into too much trouble because they were just young children playing.

Cullen had packed lunch to take with them and they stopped by a small but, scenic waterfall for a picnic. The waterfall was the thing he had wanted to show her and it really was worth it. If at all possible the grass around that section of the lake was even greener than the rest and he had stopped by an adorable field of flowers, chosen a flawless yellow daisy and tucked it behind her ear. She never would have guessed that the strong, take charge Commander could also have such a romantic side.

Throughout the morning she felt more like herself than she had in a long time. She felt more like the Aleksia who used to enjoy weekly games of wicked grace with her friends and less like a frightened child who wanted to hide under the bed.

"Do you remember much of your life before you were taken to the circle?" Cullen asked her as they came to a stop by the lake back near the cabin.

"Not really. Just small pieces, I remember a garden we used to play in and I remember my parents hosting balls that we were too young to attend. I remember the fear on my mother's face when I cast my first spell and the night the templars came. I don't really remember them, my parents, or what they looked like. More like shadows and feelings," she answered thoughtfully.

"There was a game we used to play as children and, It's one of those games that everyone should experience in their life at least once," Cullen said as he bent over near the water and carefully sifted through the stones just under the surface.

"A game? What kind of game?" she asked with a mixture of wariness and curiosity.

"Here, you hold this one and watch," Cullen responded as he handed her a small, smooth, partially flat stone and then turned to face the lake. He flung his stone out over the lake, it skipped across the water five times before disappearing under the surface. "Now you try," he suggested.

Aleksia hadn’t really seen exactly how Cullen had thrown the stone. As a result when she tossed her own it hit the lake with a splash, sending ripples across the still surface and, instantly disappeared. "I think you gave me a broken one," she said defeated. "It didn't do what yours did."

"There is a method to how you throw the stone and the idea is to see who can make it skip across the water the most times before it sinks," he explained as he picked up some more stones from the lake. He moved back to Aleksia and handed her another one, "I'll show you."

Cullen moved in behind her and placed one arm around her waist. With his other hand he showed Aleksia how to position her grip on the stone she was holding. Although she really was trying to concentrate on the game, having him so _close_ was more than a little distracting. She did manage to absorb his explanation of facing the flatter side to the surface and, trying to skim it down as low as possible so that it would bounce off the water. However, as he helped her to throw the stone his hand, that was resting on her stomach, slipped lower. It was enough to distract her mind from focusing on the stone toss to focusing on the fact that if his fingers moved just a little lower she would be a melting puddle on the ground. As a result she let the stone go a little late, it skimmed off to one side instead of straight ahead and skipped only twice over the water before sinking.

"Well, that was a little better," he said as he stepped back. "Have a couple more practice shots on your own first and then we can start a little friendly competition."

Her practice shots went a little better but, none reached the five skips that Cullen’s first stone had skimmed before sinking. The friendly competition lead to over an hour of stone tossing on the lake. Every one of Aleksia’s attempts fell a skip or two short of Cullen's. Although it was surprisingly relaxing watching each stone as it danced across the lake, it was starting to become a little embarrassing being beaten at every turn, even if she was new to the game.

When Cullen stepped up to take his next turn, a small smirk tugged at the corner of her lips as a plan formed in her mind. If she was going to have a chance of winning at least one round, a distraction was in order. No one said she had to play _fair_.

Just as he was swinging his arm, she stepped up behind. In one swift move she cupped a cheek of Cullen's bottom in her hand and squeezed it, "You know I have, infact been standing back there watching your arse rather than the game."

Cullen stumbled and the stone flung wild, sinking instantly. A split second later he completely lost his footing on the large rock he had been standing on and, fell face first into the water with a splash.

Aleksia gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. She hadn't expected that. The intention had only been to distract him. As Cullen rolled over to look at her, the expression of sheer surprise on his face was too much. She burst into fits of laughter. "Well that worked better than I expected," she managed to get out between giggles.

Cullen raised his eyebrows, "that was positively evil. You do realise I am going to have to retaliate."

"Bring it on Commander. You have to catch me first and, you are now weighed down by wet clothes," she taunted.

As Cullen started moving to pull himself out of the water, she started running across the grass. Even with his dripping wet clothes and her head start, Cullen was very fast on his feet and gaining ground on her. As soon as he was close enough, he leapt forward and tackled her to the ground. She let out a squeal of laughter as she went crashing down on to the grass and, the moment she rolled over on to her back she knew that was a mistake. Cullen was on her in moments. She found herself pinned by his body with her arms being held above her head, his saturated clothing soaked right through her own as cool patches spread across her skin.

The racing of her heart and the shortness of her breath had little to do with the fact that she had been running and everything to do with the fact that Cullen was on top of her, looking right into her blue-grey eyes. Aleksia couldn’t help but notice, as she returned his gaze, that his normal serious expression had been replaced by something else. He looked almost, happy.

"Now we are both going to need to change before we freeze," Aleksia said with a low voice as she tried to focus on something other than the fact that, despite being soaked by his wet clothing, heat was spreading throughout her body.

"I did warn you that retaliation was required," he responded playfully. His eyes never left her face and his gaze became more intense the longer they looked at each other. "Maker, you are beautiful." His voice was low and husky as he inched his lips closer to hers.

"Cullen…" _I love you_. She thought it, she _felt_ it but, the words wouldn’t form. Maybe he realised she was struggling with something, or maybe he just couldn’t wait any longer for her to continue because after a moment their lips connected in a deep, lingering kiss that left them both breathless when they finally pulled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank you all for the feedback and comments so far :)  
> I know there have been times when the delay has been terribly long between chapters and I would like to thank those who have stuck with it throughout. It truly is appreciated. I have and am very much enjoying writing this story and part of that enjoyment also comes from knowing others like reading it. So thank you!


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! :)
> 
> Finally another chapter - slightly delayed due to other writing projects.  
> Speaking of which I always forget to mention this but my tumblr which can be found here: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/keliandrada - I keep up to date with how each of my writing projects are going so you can know when to expect a new chapter :). I also take prompts for one-shots and drabbles over there, some are posted here on Ao3 and some are only posted on tumblr ( usually depends if I feel they are long enough to warrant posting on Ao3).
> 
> Now on to this chapter and trigger warnings:
> 
> PTSD  
> Drug Addiction  
> Self Loathing
> 
> Please be wary and keep yourself safe if you are trigged by any of these topics.  
> Parts of this chapter are NSFW.
> 
> There is also a very small part at the end of this chapter that loosely follows some of the in-game dialogue. I wanted to write Aleksia's reaction and how she handled this particular scene from the game.

Aleksia pulled her hair back behind her head, pinning it back it somewhat neatly with a piece of string. The blue-grey eyes that looked back at her as she glanced in the mirror, looked a little brighter. Her usually pale cheeks were flushed with colour. Proper sleep, sunshine and eating three meals a day, at Cullen’s insistence, had been good for her. She slid her hands down over her robes, smoothing them out. The patch job she had done on them wasn’t fantastic but, it would hold well enough for the trip back to Skyhold.

 _Skyhold._ It was the one black cloud hanging over her head. They had packed the supply cart up the afternoon before so that they could leave at first light. With the sun peeking out over the horizon, she knew she couldn’t delay the inevitable.

As she moved into the dining area, Cullen was busy packing up the chessboard that they had found the night before. "Maybe we should take that with us," Aleksia said thoughtfully as she watched Cullen opening the cupboard to put it away. They had spent an enjoyable evening playing, laughing and talking over the board and found that they were fairly evenly matched.

"I actually have one in my office back at Skyhold," Cullen replied as he turned to face her.

"Oh.." she should have known that and if she hadn’t spent so much time and effort in pushing Cullen away, she would have. It seemed like such a waste of the time that they could have spent together getting to know each other. There was little point in dwelling on it but, she couldn’t help the slight pang of guilt that surfaced regardless. "In that case, we will have to make use of it when we return."

A stray lock of her black hair had escaped her tying efforts, Cullen reached over and brushed it back with his fingers. Aleksia watched as his eyes searched hers, he was looking for something in her expression but, she wasn’t sure what it was.

"Are you ready to go back?" he asked her carefully.

His fingers trailed softly over her cheek as she let out a small sigh. "No. Not really," she responded truthfully. Had he of asked her right then if she wanted to remain in the cabin with him for eternity she would have greatly accepted, or at least been very tempted to. "Maybe it will be easier now." As she studied Cullen’s eyes she noticed something that she hadn’t seen before. There were tiny little creases on the sides in addition to the normal age lines. She had spent so much time actually _looking_ at him over the past couple of days that the subtle change, was glaringly obvious. He was squinting slightly and every so often there was a small twitch in his left cheek. She had seen enough injured soldiers over the past months to recognise the signs of someone in pain who was trying to hide it, only he hadn’t been in battle. An entirely new feeling lodged itself in the pit of her stomach. "Cullen, are you okay?" she asked with concern.

"Mmmm? Oh… just a little headache," he responded. "It’s nothing really." He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead but, somehow she knew it was an attempt to deflect her questions.

"If you want to rest this morning, we can postpone going back to Skyhold until after lunch," she tried again.

Cullen gave his head a small shake. "To incur Josephine's wrath when you don’t make this afternoon’s meetings? Even I am not willing to go there," he responded with a slight attempt at humour. "Speaking of which, we really should be leaving. Being late would be bad enough."

There was something Cullen wasn’t saying, Aleksia was sure of it. The slight frown that crossed his forehead, the subtle hitch of his voice and the very slight change in his posture from open to more defensive, all hinted towards something more. He dropped his hands to his side and made a move towards the cabin door so they could leave. Aleksia had no choice but to push her concerns to the back of her mind, so she could focus on the trip that was ahead of them.

She scooped up the vials of lyrium that she had been preparing in case they ran into any trouble and placed them in her pocket. One of the vials was still damp on the outside after she had accidentally spilled some of the liquid, an act she was still silently chiding herself for. It was difficult enough at times to get the lyrium supplies in and she had spilled almost half a vial. With one last glance back at the interior of the cabin she closed the door behind her and joined Cullen.

~~~~~~~~

 

The journey back to Skyhold had been a little slower than it should have been but, Aleksia didn't mind. With only one horse between the two of them they had been forced to ride tandem. She sat in front of Cullen with his arms around her so he could hold the reigns, in a way it had been comforting having him so close. However, as they drew closer to their destination, her tension increased.

As they reached the final stretch of road, still out of sight from the Skyhold gates, Cullen let one hand off the reigns. A moment later she felt his arm slip around her waist as he held her closer and coaxed the horse, slowing it to a stop.

There was no reason to ask why he had stopped. Aleksia had been sitting there thinking about the fact that, in five minutes any quiet moments would be a luxury not often afforded them. Even though she new it had been the right thing to do at the time, a small part of her regretted pulling away from him, not taking their relationship to the next level whilst they had the time to themselves. Maker knew when they would have an opportunity to be alone like again.

There was no point in dwelling on what might have been.

Cullen's second arm slipped around her waist to join the first. They sat there in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Aleksia soaking up the feel of his arms around her and the warmth of his body against her back. She savoured the calmness that settled over her as he held her.

Cullen shifted and slid down off the horse, his leather boots crunching on the gravel road. As he offered her his hand, Aleksia accepted it, a moment later she was standing in front of him. His hands instantly fell to her hips as he pulled her in flush against him. Looking into his eyes she could see the creases that marked their sides had deepened, it was clear that the pain from his headache was a lot worse. Before she could ask him about it, his lips were on hers.

His kiss was hungry, devouring and as his slick tongue slid against hers, Aleksia moaned softly at the contact as heat spread throughout her limbs and pooled in her belly. It felt like tiny flames licked their way across her skin, burning, wanting. For a moment she forgot where they were, although still out of sight from Skyhold the road did see it’s fair share of traffic.

It was only the two of them and the feel of his hands as they slid around her waist and down her back to cup both bottom cheeks. He lifted her upwards as he rolled his hips, she felt the hardness of his arousal as he pressed against her centre. Her hands found the back of his head, fingers entwining through his hair as she returned his kisses with equal fervor. Slick tongues exploring, touching, tasting every corner of their mouths.

She didn't want it like this but, Maker, the heat in his eyes, the feel of his arousal rubbing against her, she couldn't resist him. She wanted to feel his hot mouth against her skin, she wanted to feel him under her fingertips. She wanted _all of him._ No matter how hard she tried to tell herself to pull back, her body refused to cooperate.

As he lowered her feet back down to the ground, the contact with their lips remained. She felt the absence of him pressed against her folds. With a moan she shifted her hips, rolling them insistently as she hooked one leg around his to press against it.

~~~~~~~~

 

As Cullen slid his hands up her body he could feel the bumps of her ribs against his palms. As he inched higher, the subtle swell of her breasts taunted him.

He tried to tell himself that it shouldn't happen like this, they both deserved more, _she_ deserved more. Throughout the entire trip, the smell of lyrium had taunted him, like it was calling to him. She must have had some on her fingers when she pulled her hair up that morning, the sweet smell had been under his nose the entire journey. The craving, the headache that throbbed at his temples, both gradually increased with each step the horse took.

Somehow, somewhere along the way the cravings for lyrium intermingled with his desire for her. The warmth of her body against his as they rode together only served to increase those feelings. He had fought against those desires for hours, swallowing down every touch of her hands on his arms or legs, fighting against the cravings for that liquid that he could almost _taste._

Then he had kissed her and everything came crashing down around him. His control wavered and vanished. Her lips, her mouth, her tongue, all tasted like lyrium. That sweet liquid that his body was screaming for.

They had run into one group of bandits during the journey and when they fought, she had needed to drink one of the vials stashed in her pocket. That sweet, sweet taste still lingered as he devoured her lips and swirled his tongue around every part of her mouth.

His hands moved to fumble with the buttons on the front of her robes, he _needed_ her. He needed to feel her skin against lips, to taste her, to feel her come undone around him. No matter how hard he tried to fight back those urges they refused to relent.

He hated himself for losing control but, he couldn't stop it and she… she wasn't pulling away.

As he trailed kisses along the side of her neck, Aleksia’s head tilted back to give him better access. He had worked the first few buttons on her robes loose and pressed his lips against her smooth skin, inching downwards. As he came to the first scars that marred her bare flesh, he flicked his tongue against them.

When he reached the skin just above the swell of her breasts with his lips, she moaned softly. Her fingers curled into his hair, coaxing him downwards. Carefully he slipped her breast band down to just below her breasts as he drank her in with his eyes. The scars didn't stop where her breasts started, they too were marked by the horrors she had dealt with. He peppered the first breast with featherlight kisses before taking her nipple between his lips. At the contact of his lips, gently sucking her nipple into a tight bud she moaned again whispering his name. He had never been overly fond of his name, but from her lips with her breathy whisper, he almost liked it.

Just as he started making his way over to her next breast, the sound of horse hooves in the distance reached his ears.

She must have heard them at the same time as he did. "Cullen, someone's coming," she said quietly with a breathless voice as she pushed at his shoulder’s to get him move back.

The panic in her tone at the idea of them being caught in such a compromising situation, snapped him out of some of his lust fueled haze. He hissed in frustration as he pulled her breast band back up to cover her from exposure. The frustration wasn’t entirely just over the fact that they were being interrupted but because, part of him was relieved that it was happening.

His eyes met Aleksia’s as her fingers worked quickly to do up the buttons on the front of her robes. He could see some of the same relief mirrored in her own expression and silently cursed himself for his lack of control.  
  
A moment of self loathing buried itself into the pit of his stomach. Back at the cabin, she had been clear that she wasn’t ready to take that step and yet he had lost control and pushed them further. She may not have been protesting now but, he still should have known better. His hands clenched tightly by his sides. It was irresponsible and unforgivable and all because he had stopped taking that blasted lyrium. It was making him weak, reckless and unreliable. All of the things he had feared may happen. His gut clenched at the thought of going back to that again, of taking the lyrium, of being leashed but, what alternative was there? He couldn’t, he wouldn’t allow himself to let her down.  
  
"Is it my imagination or were you two looking a little, cosy, from back there?" Dorian’s voice spoke up from behind Cullen as the group of travelers came to a stop near them.

Cullen spun around and a Qunari whom he didn’t recognise was studying Aleksia’s face closely. "Glazed eyes, rosy cheeks and miss-buttoned robes. I would say heated would be more accurate," Iron Bull added with a hint of mischief in his tone.

Cullen was certain he could see Aleksia’s cheeks darkening by a shade or two. "Who are you?" she asked as her eyes flicked to the travelers behind the qunari. It was obvious whomever he was, those other travelers had been following him. As Cullen followed her gaze, he vaguely recognised one of them from the front of the chantry in Haven.

"You’re Iron Bull?" she asked him. She must have recognised the same traveler that Cullen had.  
  
"In person," he said almost smugly. "Me and the chargers here have come to assist your little Inquisition."

"You mean after you almost turned us away because the Inquisitor didn’t meet with you in person," Varric added with a hint of frustration. An indication that the meeting in the storm coast hadn’t quite gone to plan.

Cullen had to admire how well and how quickly Aleksia seemed to pull herself together as she offered the qunari her hand, "Well in that case, welcome to the Inquisition. I will make sure I come and see you sometime this afternoon, to discuss any details that may have been missed."

Rather than shaking her hand, the qunari raised it to lips, brushing them against the back of her fingers. "I look forward to it Inquisitor," he replied with a flirtatious tone that slightly irritated Cullen.

As they continued talking for a few more minutes, Cullen’s attention had shifted. Behind the other’s Blackwall was standing off to one side watching Aleksia. It was the look in the other man’s eyes that set him on edge, even more so when Blackwall realised he was being watched and looked away quickly. He really had no right but, the way the man looked at Aleksia bothered him. It sparked a feeling of possessiveness within Cullen and he stepped closer to her, as if somewhere inside he felt the need to claim her. A feeling that was instantly followed by guilt coiling its way through his mind. She was the Herald of Andraste, no one had the right to claim her. He wasn’t even sure he had the right to be trying to enter a relationship with her, the blasted addiction was still messing with his mind he was sure of it. He hated feeling weak and out of control of his emotions.

~~~~~~~~

 

After meeting up along the road, they had all traveled the remainder of the way to Skyhold as a group. Once she entered the gates, the rest of the day had gone fairly much as Aleksia had predicted. It took her about half an hour to manage to wrangle her way through the crowd that had gathered to ‘welcome’ the Herald back. During which time she had lost sight of Cullen. The moment she had stepped into the main hall Josephine had intercepted her and whisked her away. She had wanted Aleksia to enter into negotiations for the Inquisition to use a small piece of land just outside of Orlais. If that didn’t take long enough, the moment she left Josephine’s office, Varric whisked her away to meet a ‘friend’ on the battlements.

That meeting at least proved to be useful, unlike the land negotiations. She spent the better part of the afternoon discussing Corypheus with the Champion of Kirkwall and, during that time she actually found herself enjoying Hawke’s company. The other woman was down to earth and easy to talk to, if not a little too honest at times. That was a refreshing change. After dealing with nobles and their games of manipulation, having someone being brutally honest was far easier to take.

Throughout all of it, she had been looking forward to meeting Cullen for dinner. To have the chance to just sit down and catch her breath for a few minutes. However, that wasn’t to be. Just as she was heading back to the hall to meet Cullen, a messenger intercepted her.   
  
Aleksia let out a long, frustrated breath. Instead of joining Cullen for dinner, she was heading to the requisitions office to break up a fight between Cassandra and Varric. One she should have seen coming.

She could hear their raised voices from outside, along with the sounds of furniture crashing against the wall.

"You lied to us, all this time you have been lying," Cassandra raged.  
  
"You know as well as I do Seeker, if Hawke had of been at that conclave she would most likely be dead by now, along with the rest of them," Varric bit back in reply.

As she moved inside, Aleksia was quick to step between them. With her presence the chair that Cassandra had been about to throw faltered and remained motionless in her hands. "That’s enough, both of you! Now is _not_ the time to be fighting with each other."

"We.. the Inquisition… could have used the help of someone like the Champion, a leader," Cassandra tried again, her voice holding less conviction than it had moments before.

Aleksia bit down on her tongue briefly, holding back any offense she might have felt at Cassandra’s words. She was right, the Inquisition could have used a better leader, instead they were stuck with her.

It was too late to change that.

"The important thing is that she is here to help now," Aleksia said, attempting to continue dousing the flames. "Both of you need to go and calm down and I trust at this will be the end of it."

Varric threw up his hands in frustration, at the same time he gave a slight shrug, "fine with me. I prefer my head remaining intact."  
  
"Cassandra?" Aleksia asked as she turned her eyes to the Seeker.  
  
"Fine," she stated before glaring at Varric once more. "You better not be keeping anything else from us," she added before storming off.

"She is right you know," Aleksia started as she turned her attention back to Varric. The only thing was, she wasn’t just talking about the situation that had arisen between the two of them, "If we are all going to be working together to beat Corypheus then we all need to be honest with each other. No more secrets."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading another chapter :)  
> Comments and Kudos are always very much appreciated!


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I actually got this one out sooner than I thought I would :)
> 
> No real warnings are needed for this chapter. Still in all I hope you enjoy it :)

When he arrived for dinner the hall was already bustling with activity. Cullen was beginning to wonder why he had even agreed to meet her there in the first place as he weaved his way around the crowds. He hated crowds. More than he hated crowds he hated the crowds that were half filled with self indulgent nobles. Josephine seemed to have done an effective job of inviting half of the important names across Thedas to meet with the Inquisitor.

He managed to secure himself a plate of food, deciding against getting anything for Aleksia in case she was delayed. She wouldn't want a cold meal and he could always go back when she did arrive. On his way towards trying find a quiet table, preferably up the back, he was spotted.

"Ahh so our infamous Commander has decided to join the rest of us for dinner tonight," Dorian said enthusiastically as he waved Cullen over. "Do come and sit, we have more than enough chairs at the table."

"Actually I was going to-" he started.

"Nonsense," Dorian cut him off. "If you are going to eat in this hall for the first time since we arrived in Skyhold, the least you can do is allow us the pleasure of your company."

Cullen's eyes quickly scanned the room, seeing no signs of her familiar black wavy hair amongst the tops of the heads he could see, he shrugged. He didn't really have an excuse at that point, at least nothing that would be acceptable enough to say no. "Okay, maybe just for a few minutes," he agreed reluctantly as he sat down beside Dorian.

"So do tell us, you and the Lady Inquisitor, have you finally stopped dancing around each other?" Dorian asked before putting a fork full of food in his mouth.

"I would really rather not discuss it," Cullen responded as he glanced at Blackwall and then Iron Bull. If it was just Dorian at the table he might have elaborated a little further. Although a little eccentric for his tastes, the man seemed harmless enough. The qunari he didn’t know and Blackwall was the last person he wanted to be discussing personal matters in front of, especially matters that involved the Inquisitor.

"Not even a little hint?" Dorian pushed. "I mean I have been watching the two of you since

the attack on Haven and from what I have heard, others for much longer. You can’t keep us hanging like this."

"Evidently, it would appear as if I can," Cullen replied before taking a mouthful of his own food. His tone was firm, one that suggested the line of conversation Dorian had been trying to pursue was over. He would give them no more than he already had, which was nothing.

"Oh fine then, be a spoil sport" Dorian scoffed. "I am sure we will know soon enough. Nothing stays quiet around here for long."

Cullen feared that what Dorian said was the truth. Skyhold did seem notorious for the gossip lines that spread throughout it’s walls. For the time being at least, the conversation at the table shifted as the other three discussed the trip through the Storm Coast and the Grey Warden camp that they had discovered. As they spoke amongst themselves, Cullen’s attention shifted in a different direction as he scanned the room again.

Why wasn’t she there?

They had been clear about the time they would meet for dinner. He couldn’t help the sinking feeling that settled over him, had she changed her mind? They were now back in Skyhold, maybe she had been right about not being able to keep her promise when they returned.

As more time passed and his dinner vanished from his plate one bite at a time, the feeling increased. He desperately wanted to see her walk through those doors, just a hint or a sign that what had happened between them at the cabin wouldn’t change now they were back. He was eating slowly, stretching his meal out and yet there had still been no sight of her at all.

She wasn’t coming.

He was almost through his meal and she would have arrived by then if she was. His actions out on the road before they reached the Skyhold gates taunted him. What if he scared her off? The more he thought about it, the more ‘what if’s’ crept their way to the surface. The more he thought about it, the more his eyes scanned the room searching, hoping she was just delayed and that she would come bounding in at any moment.  
  
He had told himself so many times that pursuing anything with her was dangerous. If he had just listened then and not given himself in to temptation, it would be easier to deal with. She was an unknown element, unstable and unpredictable when, what he needed most was certainty. She was also the Inquisitor and a noble, had he been deluding himself in thinking she might actually like him when he wasn’t even sure he liked himself? Someone like her, deserved something better than what he could offer her and he knew it.

As he finished the last of the food on his plate he pushed his chair back and stood, after the initial conversation around the table he had barely heard a word since. Now that he was done and it was very clear Aleksia wasn’t coming, he needed to get out of there. Away from the noise and the chaos, back to the quiet solitude of his office and the stack of reports waiting for him. At least focused on them he wouldn’t think about her. "If you will excuse me gentlemen, I should be getting back to work," he explained.  
  
Just as Cullen reached the door, he felt a hand tap his shoulder. He spun around hoping to find himself looking Aleksia and instead found himself looking at the person he least wanted to speak to, Blackwall.

"The Inquisitor, I assume she is who you have been searching the room for all through dinner? She would want you to know that she was held up dealing with an argument between Varric and Cassandra. Something about the Champion of Kirkwall if I recall," Blackwall said quickly. It was almost as if he had been debating with himself over passing the information on or not. Then when he decided to at the last minute, he wanted to get it out fast before he could change his mind again. "I ran into Leliana on the way here and she mentioned it."

"The Champion of Kirkwall? I would be surprised if Varric is still in one piece after Cassandra is done with him," Cullen responded. He wasn’t really sure what else to say, under the circumstances he was grateful that Blackwall had decided to pass on what information he knew but, the man still made him uncomfortable.

"I won’t keep you any longer," Blackwall added. "As I said she would have wanted you to know."

Cullen nodded. "Thank you, I appreciate it," and he meant it. He really did appreciate it. He wasn’t about to become instant friends with the man, but it was a start towards working amicably within Skyhold’s walls.

~~~~~~~~

 

Standing in the middle of her room, Aleksia sighed as she pushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes. By the time she had followed up with both Cassandra and Varric it was late and she was exhausted. All she could think about was climbing into that warm tub of water for the first time in days and then falling into her comfortable bed.

As Cullen slipped his way into her mind, not for the first time that day, she couldn't resist one look from the balcony. As she stepped outside the cold night air stung her eyes. She wrapped her arms around herself and peered out over the side. From her vantage point she had full view of the door to Cullen’s office, as well as the battlements. Of course it was easier to see during the day than at night.

Light flicked out of Cullen’s open office door, most likely from the candle he always had sitting on his desk. So, he was still awake. She was tempted, very tempted to sneak over to his office just for a few minutes to apologise for missing dinner and to say goodnight.

Her feet felt as if they were glued to the ground as she watched the flickering light. They had come so close before they had been interrupted but, she knew it would have been a mistake. She couldn't shake the feeling that something hadn’t been quite right with Cullen. The look in his eyes at the time had been almost pure desire, he had been lacking the normal tenderness that was usually under the surface. Still in all, they weren't going to solve anything by not seeing each other and she was worried about him. Just as she built up the resolve to go and speak to him, the candlelight went out followed by his door closing a moment later.

With a soft sigh Aleksia turned and went back into her room, away from the biting cold air. _Tomorrow will have to do._

She slept through the night, waking only once from the nightmares that often intruded on her sleep. She was grateful for the fact that, being as tired as she was, going back to sleep afterwards hadn’t been difficult. In the morning when she left her quarters Aleksia quickly rushed past the two guards that were always stationed at her door, with her head down. She always kept her head down, it was easier than looking at those armoured faces wondering who might be behind the helmet. As she got past them she raised her eyes and scanned the hall.

Something was different.

She looked closer, scanning every occupant of the hall instead of avoiding looking at them as she otherwise might have. Each and every armoured figure had their helmets off their head, instead they were tucked under their arms. Not one single templar or inquisition guard inside was wearing one, not even the guards by her door. She could see each face clearly without having to guess who might be hiding in the suits.

 _Cullen._ It had to be his order the soldiers were following. Aleksia remembered the night in the tent when Solas was healing her, although she hadn’t said as much to Cullen when she recounted what she remembered of that night. She did remember asking him to help her, that she didn't want to be scared anymore. Was this his way of helping her so that she wouldn't feel scared inside those walls? The guards at the outside doors still had their helmets covering their faces but inside, she was safe. She could see them all and know that Mercen wasn't lurking behind one of those helmets.

A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips as she stood in the room near the throne chair. For the first time since arriving at Skyhold she didn't feel the need to rush her way past the remaining guards. She didn’t feel like she wanted to crawl into a small hole just to hide from them.

She was only standing there for a moment before a messenger stepped up in front of her.

"Inquisitor," the messenger said as he bowed. "Ser Blackwall requests an audience."

Aleksia nodded politely, "very well. I will head over there now."

As they always did, the messenger couldn't seem to get away fast enough as he scurried off in the direction he had come from.

There were ways around Skyhold without having to go directly past the front door guards. Making her way through the rotunda, past Solas’ desk which was unusually vacant, she slipped through the side door unnoticed. As she walked along the raised path, her eyes instinctively glanced over towards the battlements. It wasn't difficult to spot Cullen's fair hair in the sunshine. He was standing with his back to her, deep in conversation with two of his recruits.

She thought she could stop by, just for a moment before going to see Blackwall but, they were both busy. She didn't want to risk disturbing him or his recruits. Instead she allowed herself a moment of self indulgence, standing in silence watching him. After a short time she turned around to face the stairs that lead towards the small markets and beyond that the stables.

As she turned she almost walked right into Blackwall. "Ahh, I was just coming to see you. I got a message that you wanted to talk to me."

"I do," he said. "I heard that the Champion wants you to meet with a fellow Grey Warden. That he may be able to provide some answers, I would like to accompany you."

"Oh," Aleksia replied as she shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. "I was planning on taking Cassandra and Varric on the next trip. I thought the bonding time might do them some good and, Solas just in case it doesn't."

"This doesn't have anything to do with-," he started.

Aleksia knew where he was heading and cut him off, "No. I promise you it doesn't."

"So you and the Commander are…" his voice trailed off.

"Yes. Maybe. I don't know, it’s complicated." Aleksia responded as she glanced in Cullen's direction.

"But you do care about him," Blackwall prodded.

"This isn't something I should really be discussing with anyone else," Aleksia explained, mildly frustrated. Especially when she hadn’t even told Cullen how she really felt.

"Just tell me one thing, was there, or is there even a small chance that we might be more than friends?" he asked carefully.

Aleksia let out a soft sigh and looked back at him, "I am sorry Blackwall. I just don't feel that way about you, I never did and I never intended for you to get hurt. At the time I didn't think that I would ever feel like that about anyone again."

Blackwall nodded as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "At least now I know where I stand. I know we discussed this the other night, I just needed to be certain. I do value our friendship and I hope that in time it can continue."

"As do I," she said softly.

Aleksia watched as Blackwall made his way back down the stairs. She wasn't entirely sure how it had happened but somewhere along the way, she had come to realise that she did have friends inside of Skyhold. People she cared about who also cared about her. She knew she would do whatever it took to keep them all safe.

The rest of the day was much like her first day back, filled with meetings. Dignitaries who insisted that The Herald of Andraste’s presence was required before they would sign off on any deals. She admired Josephine's ability to deal with them all day everyday and still come out of it with a smile on her face. Most of the time Aleksia had to battle with herself just to keep an even temper.

One thing she did manage to do for herself that day was to squeeze in a little extra training with Solas in the afternoon and by then, she needed it just to work off some of the frustration from the meetings. It ended up being a good workout and she was happy to have the company of a friend for a while.

By the end of the day she was exhausted with her muscles aching. She went straight to her room and gratefully climbed into the steaming hot tub of water that was waiting for her. After a long satisfying soak, she dressed and went right to the dining hall only to discover that Cullen wasn't there. As far as she could recall, the agreement had been for dinner at the hall together every night.

"Hey, what do you know. Shorty has decided to join us for dinner tonight," Varric exclaimed as he waved her over to the table.

"Last night we were graced with the presence of our Commander and tonight our Inquisitor. This must be our lucky week," Dorian added.

"Curly was here for dinner last night and I missed it?" Varric asked.

"Well maybe if you weren’t so busy annoying Cassandra, we both would have made it in time," Aleksia chided as she approached the table.

"So you _are_ going to join us right?" Dorian asked.

Aleksia paused for a moment as she glanced at the overly crowded table with Sera, Varric, Dorian, Blackwall and Iron Bull all present. What if Cullen was upset that she didn’t make it the night before and had yet to apologize? Or perhaps, just as she had been he was held up. She didn’t _have_ to wait for Cullen to make it to dinner, not when she could take dinner to him. It was sure to be a hell of a lot quieter then the dining hall, it had been crazy to think they would have even managed a quiet table at the back. "Actually, not tonight," she answered.

"This is the first time we have even seen you in here since arriving at Skyhold and you still won't join us?" Dorian said with an obviously faked look of offense.

"It’s been a long day and after spending it listening to people shouting over fair deals being unfair, what I could really use is a little peace and quiet. It is a little, loud in here," she explained.

"Well, who can argue with that?" Dorian asked. "You do realise of course we won't give up on this until you do join us at least once though."

Aleksia smiled, "I promise if I manage a day where I don’t feel the need to rip all of my hair out, I will come and join you all for dinner here."

"We will hold you to that," Varric added. "Even if it is unlikely that a day will ever go that smoothly around here."

Aleksia chuckled before saying goodnight to each of them and taking her leave. She snuck into the kitchen first to speak to the cook. After a few minutes she left with two bowls of steaming hot soup in her hands. Going back through the rotunda and out of the side door, she walked along the raised path, straight to Cullen’s office. As she arrived she was thankful that his door was still open. With both of her hands full, opening it, or even knocking, could have proven to be a challenge.

Cullen was sitting behind his desk deeply engrossed in reading something that looked like a stack of reports. The small candle was lit and off to one side, providing him with just enough reading light. As she moved through the door, he looked up and a visible expression of relief crossed his features. Even so, she could still see the stress lines in the corners of his eyes and that slight twitching of his left cheek. The fact that he seemed to have another headache already was concerning.

"I thought since you weren’t at dinner, that I would bring dinner to you. When was the last time you ate?" she asked softly as she approached his desk and placed the bowl down near the stack of reports.

Cullen paused for a moment before answering her question, "Uh, last night at dinner I think. It’s been a long day." A moment later, with his eyes still lingering on hers he added, "I am glad you are here."


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!  
> I am very sorry for the delay in this chapter. Truthfully some parts weren't easy to write and as a result - I ended up writing things much easier to deal with instead.  
> In any case, I got there in the end.  
> I hope you enjoy the latest chapter of Aleksia and Cullen's journey.
> 
> Trigger Warnings apply for this chapter.  
> Implied dubious consent - manipulation - mental anguish  
> I tried NOT to go in to too much detail, only enough for Aleksia to tell the rest of her story. Just be aware and be prepared if you are someone who is triggered.

Abruptly her stomach clenched with nerves as she watched him. The thought hadn’t occurred to her before that moment but, what if Cullen hadn’t gone to dinner because he didn’t want to? What if he had changed his mind about them now that they were back in Skyhold? All at once, being there it felt too _real_. Her gaze lingered on his as silence stretched out between them. It felt odd standing there, holding on to her bowl of soup looking at him and not saying a word.

"I should leave you to it. I just wanted to.." her voice trailed off. She wanted to join him for dinner, she didn’t want to leave. She wanted to feel his arms around her again, his warm lips pressed against hers. She wanted _him_ but there were still so many reasons why she shouldn’t.

"Well, you did bring your dinner with you," Cullen responded quietly. "You could stay for umm, you know to eat."

A chuckle bubbled it’s way to the surface as she placed her bowl down on his desk. "Will you listen to us? Anyone would think we were a couple of teenagers that don’t know how to speak to the opposite sex. It’s even more amusing when you think two days ago we were almost ripping each other’s clothes off."

Cullen smiled in response. "It is rather amusing. I guess I just wasn’t sure, now that we are back here. It felt a little too-"

"Real?" Aleksia cut in.

"Yes. A lot of people do say holiday romances don’t last," Cullen replied.

"Is that what you think this was?" she asked seriously.

"Not for me," he responded quickly.

"For me either. Cullen, being at the cabin gave me the rare opportunity to relax for a few days and focus on something other than the Inquisition. Being with you, that’s something I have wanted for a while but was too afraid to act on."

Cullen picked up both of the soup bowls as he stood. "The battlements should be quiet by now. Since I only have one chair in here, why don’t we go and enjoy the scenery whilst we have dinner? That way I don’t have to keep looking at those blasted reports."

Aleksia smiled and nodded in response. "That sounds like a wonderful idea. Dinner by moonlight, even a little romantic."

She followed Cullen out of his office until he came to a stop next to the battlement walls. He placed both of the bowls of soup down and glanced over at the mountains beyond. At night when the moonlight hit the white snow, the mountains almost looked as if they were glowing. Aleksia took a spot beside him, leaning against the wall and looking out over the view. She picked up the spoon and swallowed a mouthful of soup. They were standing close enough that she could feel the warmth from his arm radiating through her robes in the cool night air.

"I wanted to thank you, for what you did today," she said breaking the comfortable silence.

"I don’t know why I didn’t consider it sooner," Cullen replied sincerely. "Skyhold is your home now for as long as the Inquisition stands. Whatever it takes, you should be able to feel safe here."

Aleksia shifted her body so that she was facing him. "I think I am starting to," she said quietly as she looked at him. It wasn’t so much the templars removing their helmets indoors as it was standing there with Cullen that made her feel like maybe, Skyhold could be home. Just like the ostwick circle once was. As much as it terrified her, it was hard not to reach out towards the possibility of life feeling somewhat normal again.

After swallowing a spoonful of his own soup, Cullen turned his head and saw that she was looking at him. He placed the spoon back in his bowl and reached a hand over to trail his fingers along her jaw. He shifted his own body so that they were standing facing each other and reached his second hand up to cup her cheek as he gently tilted her face upwards.

Aleksia searched his eyes tentatively, "Are you okay Cullen? I mean, really okay? I’ve noticed it looks like you have another headache."

Cullen let out a breath. "There is something I should probably tell you." He slid his hands down her arms before taking hold of hers. "I stopped taking lyrium some time ago, around the time I first joined the Inquisition."

Aleksia’s eyes widened, instinctively she squeezed Cullen’s hands tighter with hers. "Isn’t that dangerous? I have heard of Templars not surviving the withdrawal."

"It is true that there are some risks." He paused with a sigh. "After the events in Kirkwall… I no longer want to be part of that life. I can’t be chained to the chantry any longer," anger crept into his voice as he spoke. He extracted one of his hands from Aleksia’s to run his fingers through his hair.

Her stomach clenched tightly as her heart beat thrummed in her ears. First Lucas and now, maybe Cullen as well? She took a step backwards letting go of his hand as her mind tried to process what he was saying.

She couldn't lose him, not now.

All at once it dawned on her, the trip back to Skyhold and the headache that worsened over time. "The trip back, the lyrium I spilled. Dammit Cullen why didn't you tell me then? I would have changed and washed it off rather than making this worse for you." She knew her voice sounded angry, she couldn't help it. The anger was born out of fear that had her shaking internally. She drew in a deep shaky breath as she finally allowed her eyes to connect with his again. "This, is what you want?"

She could hear it in his voice when he spoke, he had been afraid of what her reaction might be and there was a very good chance she was bringing that fear to light with her actions. The fact that she had stepped away from him, rather than remaining within his reach. "Yes. I _need_ to do this," he responded carefully with a serious tone.

_What if I lose him?_ She watched his eyes closely. After the months in Haven and in Skyhold she _knew_   Cullen. He doubted himself enough, he didn’t need her to doubt him as well. As hard as it was to do, she pushed her fears to the back of her mind as she gave him a small nod. "You can do this and you don’t have to do it alone," she said softly.

"I won’t allow this to interfere with my duties to the Inquisition," he added. "If it comes to that-"

"It won’t come to that," she insisted cutting him off when she could already see where he was heading. The self doubting. He needed her to believe in him and as scared as she was she needed to believe in him for herself as well. "Cullen, you are stronger than anyone I know. You _can_ do this."

His gaze was intense as he stepped closer to her. She felt the warmth of his hands as he placed them on her hips and with caressing fingers he slipped them around to the small of her back, pulling her in flush against his body. Her breath caught as he dipped his head low, the feel of his breath sweeping across her lips sent a tremble throughout her body. The moment his lips brushed against hers, Aleksia’s hands moved to the back of his neck. Her fingers entwined their way through his hair as she melted against him deepening the kiss.

He responded by teasing her lips with his tongue, coaxing her to part them and grant him access to her warm mouth. Her soft moan vibrated between them as his slick tongue slid between her lips and across hers. For a moment she had forgotten about the fact that they were still standing on the battlements and about the bowls of soup no doubt going cold quickly under the cool night air. What she did know was the fact that she couldn’t get enough of his kisses and if he continued, she may not be able to stop whatever followed.

She pulled back breathless, heat pooling in her belly. There were still things that needed to be said, things she needed to tell him before allowing herself to lose control again, as she had out on the road before Skyhold. "Cullen… maybe you should eat before it freezes," she whispered because, it was all she could manage.

She could see a flicker of something pass across his eyes before he turned silently back to the bowl of soup that was still sitting on the battlement wall. _Disappointment?_ She couldn’t blame him for that, even after everything, she was still pushing him away. As difficult as it would be it was time to stop delaying the inevitable. She owed him the truth, all of it, no matter what the consequences might be. It had clearly been difficult for him to confide in her about his choice over the lyrium and now, it was her turn to do the same for him.

She moved up beside him, close enough that their shoulders were touching. The heat radiating from him, through her robes, gave her a little more courage. Even if it was a little distracting being so close to him.

She ate a spoonful of her soup first, although unlike Cullen she had actually managed to sneak in some lunch. She was stalling, taking time to gather her thoughts into words. "Cullen, there’s something I need to tell you," she said quietly as her head turned to look at him.

Cullen’s hand stilled just before he was about to take another mouthful of his soup. He placed the spoon back down in the bowl, at least as far as she could tell he had ravished half of the bowl before she interrupted him. His eyes turned to meet her’s. He was looking at her closely, searching, as if he sensed this was something important. "If it is too difficult you don’t have to-," he started.

Aleksia cut him off with a shake of her head, holding his gaze with her own. "I want to. I think I even need to before we can really move forward. Before I can move forward."

He reached a hand over, his fingers lightly caressing the side of her face as he pushed a stray lock of black hair behind her ear. "Take your time, I have all night tonight and every night after."

A smile tugged at the corner of her lips, for the briefest of moments she let her thoughts wander. _Every night._ Maker, she knew she wanted to spend her nights with him. To know that she wasn’t going back to a lonely, empty bed at the end of each grueling day. She could be content just laying there for hours listening to the sound of his voice.

Aleksia turned back to the mountains, placing her arms on the side of the battlement wall. As she tilted her head up towards the moonlight, she closed her eyes for a moment and drew in a deep breath. Her voice when she spoke was quiet but, calm and steady. "You have seen the scars, or at least some of them. So you know about the physical side of what happened in the holding cell, or at least part of it. There were four templars who were assigned around the clock guard duty outside of my cell, all of them were rough at times but, not like he was. They all knew what he did, what he was capable of and no one said a word, they simply allowed it."

She swallowed, calming herself against the images that always resurfaced whenever she even thought about that time and that cell. She felt the warmth and strength of Cullen’s hand as he placed it against the small of her back. "Knives, fire, fists even his feet sometimes, whatever method of pain he cared to inflict one day to the next. Every night without respite or mercy."

"In addition to that, sometimes my food was laced with poison that would have me vomiting for days. I never knew when to expect that, as a result sometimes I was too scared to eat no matter how hungry I was."

"After a while.." her voice began to shake. Cullen’s hand moved a little, his fingers caressing her back. He silently coaxed her to continue. "After a while, he turned things around. Instead of pain, he offered the chance of softness. Gentle hands. It had been so long since anyone had touched me without inflicting pain. As difficult as it was, at first I resisted. Resisting was punished with more pain, allowing him to touch me, to kiss me, to…," she squeezed her eyes shut trying to shut out the images in her mind. "Sometimes I even liked it. It felt good to feel wanted rather than repulsive. To feel tenderness rather than pain. Afterwards I always hated myself for it. I let myself be violated by him, time and time again."

Cullen pulled her in closer, pressing her side against his chest. "You didn’t allow it to happen, he forced it upon you."

Tears slid down Aleksia’s cheeks as he wrapped his arms tight around her. "I wasn’t strong enough to resist him and he is only one man. Now, now I have to be strong for Thedas. How can I be when I couldn’t even be strong for myself?"

His voice was husky with emotion as he spoke, "You are strong. You are so strong and you aren’t in this alone."

"Even knowing what I let him do to me, you still want me?" she asked timidly. Part of her had expected Cullen would be repulsed by what she had said. By what she had done, especially after what she had done with Blackwall as well. He always seemed so proper and careful, and gentle.

She hated herself for what she let Mercen do, how could Cullen not hate her for that too?

Instead, he tightened his arms around her and tilted his head lower until his chin was resting on hers. "Now more than ever," he whispered.

The soft, caring sound of his voice slipped over her like a warm blanket against the cold air. She pressed her cheek into his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat under her ear. "Cullen?" she said softly. "That one night I had with Blackwall, afterwards I felt like I did when I was in that cell. Filled with regret and anger for what I allowed to happen. It was like I was back there again. I am scared, I don’t want it to be like that with us afterwards." Another tear slid down her cheek at her admission, she had been holding on to that fear every time she pushed him away. In a way, it was a relief to have it out in the open.

Tentatively Cullen turned her around to face him. He placed both hands on her cheeks and tilted her head upwards so that she would look at him. "Nothing has to happen until you are ready for it to. The fact that you even want to be here with me now is-" he paused for a moment, gazing right into her eyes. She could see the emotion and the intensity in his expression, a look _only_ for her. It was enough to take her breath away. "More than I ever dared hope for."

She had read enough of Varric’s novels to have come across the terminology of one’s heart swelling but, she never thought she would actually _feel_ that sensation for herself until that moment. It wasn’t the pooling warmth of lust and desire in her belly that she had felt before but a different warmth that spread from her chest, down her arms, through her stomach to the rest of her body. _Love._

She knew it, she _felt_ it and she could see it in his eyes as he looked at her.

"Cullen.." she whispered. Before she could say any more, he shushed her with a finger against her lips before following with his own.

He held her face carefully between his hands as he kissed her. His lips were firm, but gentle and warm against her cooler lips. Her body fit flush against him as she leaned in to the kiss, her tongue snuck between her lips to tease him into giving her access to his warm mouth. She moaned softly, her arms slipped around his waist as their tongues connected.

All at once a rather loud ruckus came from the other side of the battlement wall. As they pulled apart, Aleksia took in a deep breath to try and calm her racing heart With her arms still around Cullen and no real desire to pull away quickly, she glared in the direction of the sound intruding on them. She could make out two figures in the moonlight, one appeared to be upright and the other stumbling around as if they couldn’t walk straight. The first figure reached over to help the second, holding her upright as they moved closer.

The sound of Cassandra’s voice reached her ears before she could make out the silhouettes. The seeker sounded more than a little inebriated. "You really should read it," she slurred. "He does you justice with his words. Just don’t tell him _I_ said that."

"Is that.. Cassandra?" Cullen asked bewildered.

"It sounds like it," Aleksia responded with an amused tone. "That look’s like Hawke with her as well."

"Why am I not surprised?" Cullen mumbled as he took a step back from Aleksia so he could turn and face the intruders.

"Hey, don’t tell me you two have finally… well you know. Varric is going to love that," Cassandra slurred at them as she swayed by Hawkes side. Only remaining on her feet because the other woman was holding her up.

"I don’t think I have ever seen Cassandra so relaxed and drunk before," Aleksia mused out loud.

"She tried to keep up with me," Hawke responded. "How was I to know she couldn’t actually manage it? I do believe your seeker here suffers from a little case of hero worship."

"You have no idea," Cullen mumbled under his breath.

"It’s good to see you again Cullen," Hawke said to him as she looked both of them over. "I see you have stepped up in the world," she added, very pointedly looking at Aleksia.

"Yes, well…" he stammered.

Hawke’s head tilted back as she laughed, "and yet some things never change."

"Just how did you end up getting Cassandra drunk in the first place?" Aleksia asked curiously as she looked at the very drunk seeker again with amusement. Cassandra’s attention seemed to be very fixated on… well, nothing. There was absolutely nothing on the ground where Cassandra was looking intently.

"I heard about the fight she had with Varric. She got to do the one thing I always wanted to do but never had a reason to," Hawke responded cryptically. She continued after Aleksia cocked her eyebrow with curiosity, silently questioning her. "Threaten Varric with a chair. I only wish I had been there to see it, instead I offered to buy her a drink."


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!  
> Yep I finally got back here. So many stories, so many idea's to write not to mention real life but the muse swung back around again as it does :)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this latest chapter!
> 
> Things are still heating up between Aleksia and Cullen! Enjoy their peace while you can (it will be around for a little while!) however, sadly it will be disrupted once more for reasons!

She was starting to wonder if the entire of Thedas was conspiring against them, or at the very least the entire of Skyhold. Aleksia paced from one side of her room to the other, already having attempted sleep a number of times but, each time she tried her mind kept wandering to Cullen. It didn't matter how tired she was, how long the day had been or that they had worked well into the evening. She couldn't stop thinking about the night before on the battlements, how warm she felt nestled against him. How _right_ it felt.

That was until they had been interrupted and she ended up helping Hawke get a very drunk Cassandra to bed.

Then there had been a very brief, private conversation that morning in which she invited Cullen to join her for dinner. It was supposed to be a very quiet, very romantic dinner in her room. Dinner that she had been hoping might lead to him staying all night, if everything had gone well. That had also been disrupted by an extremely long meeting that had each of the advisors eating dinner in the war room over plans. In two days she would be on the way to Crestwood to meet with Hawkes grey warden friend. She knew the trip would likely take weeks. As if they had a mind of their own, her feet began walking in the direction of the large open doors leading out to her balcony. As she glanced towards Cullen’s office she could see the distinct flickering of candlelight from his open door.

_He is still awake._

Aleksia's stomach clenched at the same time as her heart rate increased, just by the simple thought of what she was considering. A small gasp of pain slipped from her lips making her aware of the fingernails that were biting into the palms of her hands, her fingers clenched so tight that the knuckles had lost all shades of colour. It was a big step, one that would change everything but, she was ready to take it if he was. Her eyes remained fixed on the light from his office as she stepped backwards into her room until it was out of sight. Then she turned and hurriedly made her way to the top of the stairs.

The whoosh of her nightgown abruptly reminded her that she was hardly dressed to go traipsing around Skyhold. The Inquisitor sneaking around in her nightwear in the middle of the night to the Commander's office, she could just imagine the _scandal_ that would set loose amongst the night staff and then the rest of Skyhold by morning. With a small, nervous chuckle over what she had almost unleashed she backed away from the stairs.

Less than half an hour later, she was dressed in a white long sleeved buttoned-up shirt and a pair of practical brown leather pants, and heading through the rotunda to the side door. She ducked her head downwards, knowing there was still one fully armoured templar guard between her and Cullen. Her hand was shaking as she reached for the door and then froze. If she turned and went back to the safety of her room she wouldn't have to pass the guard, it would be so easy to just turn around.

Her mind shifted back to Cullen as she stood there. During the meeting he had been particularly quiet. He had also been avoiding eye contact but, the one or two times she had managed to catch him glancing her way she could see the redness in his eyes. Also the tell-tale squinting of a headache. When she really thought about it, he hadn't looked great. He had looked exhausted and withdrawn, if he was still awake after that, there had to be a reason for it.

She _needed_ to check on him, even if it was simply to send his ass to bed. Aleksia drew in a deep breath and swallowed down the lump forming in the back of her throat. It was just one guard, she could do this. Her fingers tightened around the door handle as she kept her head low. She tried not to think about the darkness of the night between her and the goal or that she would be alone. Instead she worked on convincing herself that the guard could be anyone. Possibly not even a templar at all. Holding on to that illusion, she quickly turned the handle and rushed out through the door with her black locks of hair loose, framing the sides of her face and her head down keeping the guard from her view. She ignored the pounding of her heart as she passed and continued towards the light streaming out from Cullen's door.

She let out a breath of relief as the light first illuminated her boots and then her legs, followed by the rest of her body as she reached his office. With one hand she pushed the black locks of hair from her face as she raised it to peer inside. To her surprise the room was empty. The candle sat on the desk flickering away to itself with the light breeze from the open door, stacks of missives laid spread out across the surface haphazardly. It wasn't like Cullen to have his desk in such a state of disarray, normally it was neat and tidy.

Her eyes automatically ticked up to the ceiling when the sound of a crash and something breaking reached her ears. A moment later she also heard a curse and a low pained groan that set her senses tingling and on edge.

"Cullen?" she called from the doorway but received no response, just silence.

Closing his office door behind her she moved to the bottom of the ladder and tried again, "Cullen?"

"D-don’t, just go," he responded with a pained voice. The tone of which was enough to have her more than a little concerned. "I don't want you to see me like-," his voice trailed off as his eyes rested on hers peering into his room from the opening at the ladder.

"It's a little late for that," she responded quietly as she climbed up the remaining steps and sat down on the floor with her legs dangling. Her eyes were fixed on his red, bloodshot eyes. "Why didn't you say something?"

Cullen was sitting on the edge of his bed, his fingers clasped around an unopened vial of lyrium. On the floor by a nightstand was a broken vase that she assumed was the cause of the crashing sound she had heard. Her stomach fluttered and lurched seeing him in such obvious pain, even more so at the thought that he felt the need to keep his suffering to himself, from her.

"I-," he swallowed thickly, his face contorting with anguish. Even in the diminished lighting, with only one small candle providing illumination, she could see the beads of sweat lining his forehead and the tightened clasping of his fingers around the vial.

She fought against the urge to move straight over to him. It surprised her to realise just how well she had come to know him over the months since she joined the Inquisition. Even amidst her own turmoil she had been paying attention. Whatever decisions he made, they had to come from him. With the moments in his life that had been out of his control, he needed complete control over that one. As hard as it was to watch him struggling, to know that a dose of lyrium would end his pain and with it any risk of her loosing him. It wasn't what he wanted.

"I.. didn't want you to see me like this," he explained as he dropped his head downwards breaking eye contact. "I don't want to fail the Inquisition… or you."

_Or you._ It was such a small addition that said so much more. It gave her the opening she knew was needed, one she had to take before it closed again. Aleksia pulled her legs up, stood and moved over to kneel in front of where he was sitting on the bed. She closed both of her hands gently around the one that was holding the lyrium. "That could never happen," she said softly. "You have already done so much for the Inquisition. You have bought in new recruits and trained them to become valuable soldiers. You have taken in the Templars and given them purpose again. You were there for me, even when I kept pushing you away and you did all of that without taking it."

"I am not sure I am strong enough to keep going like this," he growled as his face contorted with pain. "Without the lyrium I am weaker, powerless. I _hate_ feeling like this."

"No, you’re not." She moved one of her hands from Cullen's to place it against his chest, "your strength comes from in here. Not from some vial. You _can_ do this and just like me, you don't have to do it alone."

Aleksia could feel his hand shaking against hers as the muscles in his clenched fingers relented a little. He drew in one deep breath and then another before he raised his eyes to meet hers. The fingers clasping the lyrium opened and dropped the vial into the palm of her hand. "I.. need some time, to work through this."

She nodded carefully as she held his gaze. Cullen wasn't like her, she wanted to be held and comforted when things got too hard. He was one who needed his space and time to work through the demons on his own. As much as she wanted to remain and hold him through all of it, that wasn't what he needed. She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss against his forehead. "You know where to find me, when you are ready."

As exhausted as she was, by the time she made it back to the hall Aleksia knew she was far too wide awake and worried to actually sleep. She slipped the vial of lyrium that was still in her hand into the safety of a pocket and climbed the rotunda stairs to the level that contained the library of books. As she was sifting through the collection that had vastly improved thanks to Dorian’s assistance a voice broke through the silence.

"You know, if we keep meeting like this people are going to start talking." Dorian plopped himself down on the surface of the table as he watched her rifling through the books.

Aleksia chuckled softly as she turned to face him, "I am sure they all think I am seducing half of the male population of Skyhold by now."

"Well the _important_ people, like me, know differently." He motioned towards himself in a grand gesture for effect.

"What has you here at such a late hour again anyway? I am beginning to wonder if you ever sleep," she said. He was always far too alert and spirited for someone who seemed to sleep so little. If only she could manage that rather than looking like a mabari with a toothache when sleep was elusive.

"Me? Sleep? Perish the thought. I would miss all the scandalous gossip if I slept. Such as the Inquisitor sneaking from the Commander's office under the veil of darkness," he added pointedly with an expression of pure curiosity.

"It is far _less_ scandalous when you realise the war room meeting went right through, messing up our dinner plans _again._ " It was difficult to keep the frustration from her tone. "I went over to apologise."

"Ahh the demands of the Inquisition strike again. Shameful," Dorian responded with a thoughtful expression creeping over his features. After a moment his expression shifted and he motioned towards the shelves, "So were you looking for anything specific?"

"I thought it was about time I tried one of these novels of Varric's everyone keeps raving over," she replied as her eyes shifted back to the books.

"Ohh, well in that case I know just the book for you." Dorian moved swiftly to the shelves going straight for the target as he pulled out one of Varric's novels and held it out to her. "You may even want to share this with that Commander of yours," he said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Not a word to anyone or I will never hear the end of it, _especially_ Varric," she responded with a grin.

"Your secret is safe with me, now run along. I am sure you will love it," he said as he waved his arms as if to shoo her.

"You are up to something," Aleksia said with suspicion as she eyed him warily.

"Who me? I would never concoct some scheme behind anyone's back, I assure you there is nothing to concern yourself with. Off you go now..," he said as he shooed her again.

"I’ll be watching you," she warned and in return Dorian flashed her a grin.

"You have been spending far too much time with Sera," Aleksia grumbled good naturedly as she reluctantly made her way back towards the stairs. He was up to something, but it was also Dorian, usually he meant well so it was difficult to be too concerned.

~~~~~~~~

 

Even though it was the middle of the night, Dorian walked straight into her room at the Heralds Rest and pulled the pillow off her head. "No time for sleeping, we have work to do."

Sera glared at him through half-lidded eyes, "Piss off. Some people around here actually sleep at night."

"There’s no time for that," he exclaimed. "We have planning to do and only three weeks to pull it off before the Inquisitor gets back."

Sera groaned grabbed for her pillow and pulled it back over her head, "Go away!"

A moment later, the pillow was back in Dorian’s hands and then thrown across to the other side of the room, well out of Sera’s reach.

"The last time I went along with one of your plans, I had to spend three hours scrubbing the Inquisitors armor," Sera grumbled as she sat up in the bed.

"I swear to you this time they will be far too occupied to even consider punishment," Dorian said with a sly grin. "Also it’s right along your field of expertise, which is why I need your help."

Sera narrowed her eyes as she peered at him, he could see her interest peaking as she moved further away from sleep and into wakefulness. "If you’re wrong, this time you scrub the demon shite from her armour."

"Deal," Dorian said easily. The plan was foolproof, he had seen the look in Aleksia’s eyes when she spoke about her disrupted dinner plans. This time, they had them he was sure of it.

"So, what’s the what?" Sera asked.

"Well lets see, over the next three weeks we have items to smuggle past a certain spymaster, rumors to start and an Inquisitor’s quarters to sneak in to. Think we can manage it?" Dorian asked.

"And it’s gunna work this time, right?" Sera asked doubtfully.

Dorian flashed her one of his winning smiles, the kind of smile that always made Sera give in when it came to enlisting her help for one of his schemes. She was the master at it and what’s more she loved doing it.

"Fine, I’ll do it. Now piss off so I can get back to sleep," Sera replied as she stomped her way over to the pillow on the ground.

~~~~~~~~

 

Two days later, on the morning she was due to be leaving Skyhold for the trip to Crestwood, Aleksia still hadn’t seen Cullen again. She had kept her ears open and knew he was busy training recruits whilst she was busy preparing for the mission. With less than an hour before she was due to depart, time had pretty much run out. There had been an attempt to delay the mission for a few days but after speaking with Hawke she knew it was impossible. Other Grey Wardens were closing in on her friend, hunting him down, there was already a chance they might be too late by the time they reach him.

She made her way past Josephine’s desk on the way to the war room. It was still early, as a result most of Skyhold had yet to surface beyond the usual night guards and those preparing for the trip. Her mind was on the task ahead, hoping that the latest scout reports she was there to retrieve didn't show any new surprises waiting for them. As she pushed the door open, revealing a figure standing just inside leaning against the wall she let out a gasp of surprise. Normally the war room was empty so early in the morning.

"Maker Cullen! You scared me," she said with a relieved tone once she realised who it was.

"Sorry," he said with a sheepish grin before his expression turned serious. "Close the door."

Aleksia peered at him for just a moment before she pushed the door closed behind her. "Is something wr-." In one swift move Cullen had her back pressed against the door she just closed, his hands resting on her hips and their foreheads pressed together.

"The next three weeks are going to feel like forever," he said with a husky voice.

"I am not looking forward to it much either," she responded softly. "It feels as if we have barely even seen each other since we got back."

She tucked her arms underneath his as she slipped them around his waist. His face was so close that she could feel each warm breath teasing her lips. The strength of his body pressed against hers was comforting and inviting in a way that made her heartbeat increase. He moved a hand from a hip to trail his fingers softly over her cheek, following the line of her jaw they came to rest against her pulse.

Aleksia licked her lips as her eyes fell to his. A slow almost smug smile tugged at them as she watched. "Is there something you want?" he asked slyly.

She lifted her eyes to meet his once more, they were clear, confident and for the first time in a while not squinting with signs of a headache. "Mmmhmmm," she replied. Oh maker, was there ever something she wanted that there just wasn't the time for. "Kiss me," she whispered.

Agonisingly slowly Cullen closed the remaining gap between their lips, his just barely brushing against her own. The buzz of anticipation coursing through her veins was too much. With a low, almost frustrated grumble against his lips she moved her hands to hook behind his neck.

Instead of kissing her the way that she had hoped he would, the way she so desperately wanted him to, he pulled back again to look at her. Amusement filled his eyes. She realised how painfully obvious she had been that it was, well, embarrassing in the face of his amusement. Heat rapidly climbed it's way up her neck and across her cheeks.

He must have seen that as well because his expression almost instantly shifted, "I am sorry. I didn't mean to…. Maker," he stumbled and then paused as he drew in a sharp breath. His thumb extended to brush over her cheek, his eyes locked on to hers, looking, searching. His voice dropped low as he moved his head in closer again, "the way you look at me. I never thought… I had hoped… I just never expected it to happen."

"No one has ever looked at you like they loved you before?" she asked with surprise.

It was Cullen's expression that turned even more surprised, a slow smile creeping it’s way across his lips. "What did you say?"

"I asked if anyone has ever looked at you like.. Oh!" It suddenly dawned on her just what she had said, and what it meant. "Well.. It's true."

"You…," he started with disbelief.

Her fingers slipped up along the back of his neck until they curled into his hair. She lifted herself up on tiptoes to look directly into his eyes. "I love you Cullen."

"You love me..," he repeated with the same tone of disbelief. It was difficult not to see his reaction as anything but adorable.

Aleksia tilted her head to the side as she held his gaze. "So are you actually going to kiss me, before I have to leave?" she teased softly.

"Mm? Oh.. right. Are you sure you can't stay, at least for one more night?" he asked distracted.

Aleksia fought against the urge to lower her heels as her toes started aching. "I wish I could but our target is in trouble. However, once I get back I am not going anywhere until the orlesian ball. Which I might add you are coming to as well."

"That means we will have-" he started before she cut in.

"Weeks. Yes, I know," a sly smile played on her lips.

"Maker's breath," he responded before finally closing the remaining gap between them as his lips pressed firmly against hers.

It was a kiss that quickly became heated, their mouths parting as tongues slid against each others. Cullen's hands returned to her hips and slid around her waist to pull her in flush against his body. Her fingers pressed against his scalp as her heels dropped back to the ground. Her head tilted upwards as she closed her eyes, giving him full access to her mouth. He followed her lips, his tongue heatedly exploring.

Her head was spinning and hazy, fast filling with the sensations flooding her senses. The warmth of his lips, the feel of his body pressed against hers and his arousal teasing her core as his hips rolled. She couldn’t hold back a moan that vibrated from her into his mouth. Cullen’s hands slid down the length of her back, following the contours of her spine over her robes before they came to rest at the apex of her bottom. Finally he pulled back from the kiss out of sheer need to catch his breath.

"Now that, was a kiss," she whispered breathless. Although she hadn't wanted him to break the kiss, she was grateful that he had. With her forehead still pressed to his she drew in several deep breaths to ground herself and pull back into the reality of the fact that she had to leave.

"You have to go," Cullen said solemnly. She realised he must have seen it in her expression.

"I do," she confirmed. "I am sure your recruits will keep you so busy that you won't even notice I am gone," she added, trying to keep the regret from her tone.

Cullen pressed one last kiss to her forehead before reluctantly releasing her and stepping back. "Be careful out there."


End file.
